conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
1. Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I are currently planning a trip to Taiwan, where I emigrated from as a young adult, to visit my parents and extended family. We have two children, 16-year-old “Ada” and 13-year-old “Megan.”

Since Ada was little, she has always been an incredibly picky eater. She is quite sensitive to the different textures of food, and there are some foods she refuses to try at all. When she was little, we thought she may have autism or a related condition, but ruled that out with her doctor. She is much more open to trying new foods than she used to be, and we are no longer overly concerned. However, she still dislikes most Chinese food.

Obviously, in Taiwan, the vast majority of our meals would consist of Chinese food. Yesterday over dinner, I mentioned this to her, and she joked that it would be a waste of money to take her to Taiwan, given that she wouldn’t enjoy it and would refuse to try most of the food there. I got mad, and told her that I would have to explain her “strange” eating habits to all of our relatives, and that I had no idea why she had to be so stubborn about the foods that she doesn’t want to eat.

After the blowup (which involved fighting about some other things), Ada won’t speak to me. According to my husband, she claims that I don’t “understand” her aversion to certain tastes and textures, and that she isn’t doing this to be intentionally rude to anybody.

What should I do?

— Frustrated About Food


Read more... )

********************


2. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a strange problem with my teenage daughter. This may sound gross, but for years now, she has had this bad habit of picking at the skin around her fingernails. She started doing this when she was around four years old and over a decade later she still hasn’t stopped. As a result, her fingers have horrible-looking cuts on them that are often bleeding. When she was younger, her father and I would try to scare her by telling her no one would want to be her friend if her fingers looked like that or how open wounds could lead to serious infections but nothing has stopped her. She claims that picking at her fingers makes her “feel better,” which is such a crazy thing to say. It makes me so angry that she keeps making excuses. Our daughter claims that she has been trying to stop, but she has been saying that for years and there have been no changes. If she can’t even stop this simple bad habit, how will she do more difficult things in life in the future? What should we do about our daughter’s problem?

— At My Wit’s End


Read more... )

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/when-in-laws-cross-boundaries-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two boys, aged 8 and 5, who have recently been introduced to nerf guns. My husband and I are not gun people, and I personally have a lot of anxiety about school shootings and sending my kids out into a world with guns. It’s important to me that they understand that guns are not toys, and I hate the idea of them having pretend wars with their friends. My cousin died by suicide when I was a teenager, and even though I know nerf guns are pretend and lots of kids have them, I can’t help but hate everything they represent. We don’t allow them in the house, but it seems like every friend of theirs has them and when we go over to play they inevitably gravitate towards them. I’m not sure what to do. It seems unreasonable to not allow them to play with certain toys at a friend’s house and I don’t know if this is a personal hang up of mine or if I have cause to be concerned. Is this something I should try to let go of, or is this something I should draw stricter boundaries around and ask their friends’ parents to put them away before we come over?

—Can’t they just play with LEGOs?


As long as they're not calling anybody a poopyhead, it's all right )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a low stakes question: My 2-year-old daughter called me a “poo head” the other day. I was distraught; she was bubbling over with glee. I put on my best mischievous grin and responded that SHE was the poo head. She laughed a lot, said I was the poo head and it continued. I was honestly having fun. I looked over to find my partner (her Dad) looking somewhat exasperated. I asked him what was up. He said we’re not supposed to go along with it, that name calling is a thing, and that it probably shouldn’t be a game. I said I think it’s OK, it’s clear we’re having fun and if she was trying to be mean or trying to hurt me, or if it hurt another child, my response would be different. He shrugged, he thinks she’s too young to get different contexts and that I’m “making a rod for my own back” later down the line. I really wasn’t sure… do you think this will come back to bite me?

—Poo Head


She's two. She'll grow out of it )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Therapist,

When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.

We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.

Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?

My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.

Thank you for any advice you have to offer.

Anonymous


Read more... )
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
...I swear it seems like the only two options are "believe/participate" and "be an ass about it not being real". (And ... cookies are fat-shaming now?

Dear Amy: I live in a country that celebrates a tradition that I am, at best, uneasy with. It involves a bizarre ritual by which parents of small children routinely lie to them about the existence of an elderly domestic intruder who supposedly brings small chocolate statues of himself along with toys and gifts once a year (spoiler alert: the parents buy this stuff).

These are otherwise reasonable people who do their best to teach honesty, good communication, integrity and good values to their children. I’ve assimilated well to the point that I, too, am complicit in this charade, along with almost all my neighbors, friends, colleagues and all their relatives.

I want to teach my kids about the shamanic origins of this intriguing but overly caricatured figure, instead of fat-shaming him with cookies and milk (seriously).

It’s important for me to keep (or at least regain) my kids’ trust despite this betrayal. How do I come clean to my kids, who are 7 and 4 and have grown to embrace this tradition?

— No Gaslight


Read more... )
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
(original title "by kids of son’s girlfriend")

Letter cut because the description of the kids infuriates me. One crime? They use HANDS to eat PIZZA, the absolute horror.

no favoritism here, nosireebob )
minoanmiss: Pink Minoan lily from a fresco (Minoan Lily)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
specifically the husband's reason not to get one. Read more... )
minoanmiss: A detail of the Ladies in Blue fresco (Lady in Blue)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
[content warning, not for this letter but for another. There's a letter on that page which I found very worrying, so be careful.

Read more... )
petrea_mitchell: (Default)
[personal profile] petrea_mitchell
Actual headline: Why Tho? Starbucks Pride display leads to a complicated conversation with a 7-year-old

Dear Lizzy,

I’ve loved Starbucks for years but today I was bothered to the point of not wanting to patronize the company anymore if this is indeed something that will become a new norm. I don’t mean to sound like a “Karen” here... but rather a mom who is looking to protect childhood innocence.

By the register were three cups with a different flag in each one. One labeled “bisexual” one labeled “gay” and one labeled “lesbian.” (For the record, heterosexual would have been nice to include if it provokes a conversation with a child who doesn’t know about this topic.) Flags are one thing...it’s just a pretty flag but this is just too much.

[photo of display provided in original article]

I myself am politically middle of the road/socially aware/supportive of all genders and sexual preferences and believe people can do what they want as long as they’re not hurting others.

I’m equally dedicated to preserving childhood. I have a 7-year-old son who hasn’t even asked what sex is nor does he know anything about preferences because at 7 it’s too early to be discussing sexuality. All he cares about is Spider-Man and dinosaurs.

I was really disappointed and honestly disgusted to see anything with a sexual reference by the register where he can read it and then ask questions that are not age-appropriate.

My point here is that when we go into a coffee shop to get a drink, I’d like to not have to get into talks about sexuality with my 7-year-old. It’s wrong and I’ve asked the company not to display anything with sexual references in view and to be sensitive to what children read standing there.

What do you think I should have done?

Concerned Mom


Read more... )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Care and Feeding,

My brother and his daughter came to stay with me and my husband over Thanksgiving. They live a few hours away, so it’s always a joy to be able to get together again. My niece, “Ivy,” is 8, and my brother shares custody of Ivy with his ex. I know this might seem minor to some people, but I’m really irritated by a passive-aggressive comment that Ivy made about me at my house. I have a framed picture of me at my high school graduation in my living room, amongst other pictures of me and my husband. Ivy pointed to that picture before dinner and asked who that is in the picture. I explained that it was me. She then said, “Oh, you look so different there!”

I know what that means. That means, “You are old and ugly.” I graduated about twenty years ago, and it stung to have that rubbed in my face. After dinner, when my husband and I were alone, I brought up the comment and how rude and hurtful it was. My husband said that I was beautiful and not to overthink it or discuss with my brother. That being said, if she’s saying this to her own aunt, what is she saying to other people? I mentioned to my brother that I was hurt by Ivy underhandedly insulting my appearance, to which he said that he didn’t see it as an insult. He said he was going to give his daughter the benefit of the doubt. I told him that he needs to teach Ivy better manners. I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings and stop gaslighting me. I’m also worried that this passive-aggressive behavior is going to become a pattern for Ivy, and she’ll end up hurting a lot of other people around her. What else can I do to deal with this situation?

—Passive Aggressed


Read more... )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
DEAR ABBY: I was deeply hurt after going to a barbecue at my oldest daughter's home. It was to celebrate my granddaughter's fourth birthday. My daughter's husband is from Thailand. He barbecued beautiful dishes of shrimp and something that looked like a gigantic crawfish. While my daughter is accustomed to and enjoys this food, she and her husband are aware that I, my husband, her sister and her niece are not accustomed to it. We simply do not like the flavor and texture.

When I asked my daughter if there were any hot dogs they could grill, at least for my 9-year-old granddaughter, she got angry and said she eats what her husband cooks. I felt our part of the family was not even being considered. I was hurt for my youngest daughter and my other granddaughter, who had literally nothing to eat that they would even remotely like. Am I wrong for feeling ignored being invited to a barbecue where my daughter knew all the food being offered were things we wouldn't like? -- RUINED MY APPETITE


Read more... )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Annie: Six months ago, my dad passed away. My frustration is that my sister and her husband refuse to tell their 6-year-old daughter. I understand that grief is very personal for everyone. But her decision to withhold his death is affecting my family. My niece is not allowed inside our house, for fear she might ask about her grandpop. My young children are not allowed to speak about their grandpop in her presence — no memories, no references whatsoever.

I have confronted my sister about my concerns, and she told me that they'll parent the way that they want to. I agree that they have that right. But it's been six months, and she still is telling my children they cannot talk about their grandfather in their cousin's presence. She has started to exclude us from family activities for fear that my children will mention his name and/or disclose his death to their cousin. My children are old enough to realize it is wrong, and a rift is growing at a rapid rate. I have spoken to my personal therapist, the hospice therapist and my daughter's therapist. All three can't comprehend my sister's actions. — Heartbroken


Read more... )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Prudence,

The community pools are not open yet. We are in a heat wave. One family on our street has put in a pool and is lording it over the rest of us. They have a teenager and a little girl “Bea.” Bea acts like the little queen of the neighborhood and doles out her favor to the few chosen capable of earning the right to swim. Bea is only “allowed” to invite a few kids over at a time because her sister doesn’t want to “babysit the entire street.” All the girl does is sit in a hammock and play on her phone while the kids swim.

Our three daughters constantly want to swim, but our oldest one made the mistake of pushing Bea into the pool after an argument over a toy. No one was hurt, but you’d think Bea had been beaten bloody. Bea’s mother has banned our girls from coming over because our oldest was “too violent.” We got into an argument where I told her it was just roughhousing and maybe if her daughter had been actually watching the kids instead of her screen, it wouldn’t have happened. I should have kept my mouth shut.

Bea’s mother went on social media and put up the Pool Rules and the diatribe about community values, personal responsibility, and how she wasn’t going to stand by and watch one daughter get “physically attacked” only for her other one to be verbally. She will close the pool gates otherwise. She didn’t name my family, but everyone figured it out.

The heat index keeps rising. Help please.

— Pool Exile


Read more... )
lemonsharks: (family shit)
[personal profile] lemonsharks
Dear Amy: My wife and I married a little later in life and only had one child, a daughter.

Our wish for a grandchild came true when our daughter had a baby boy a little over a year ago.

We are very excited and love spending as much time with him as we can, and fortunately for us, we see him often.

They will also occasionally ask us to babysit, and we always say yes.

I’m good with that. However, over the past six to nine months, my wife has become increasingly irritated when she doesn’t see our grandson as much as she would like.

She wants pictures/videos of him sent to her on a daily basis. She wants to go to their house two to three times a week (unannounced), and then wants them to come to our house at least once during the week and at least once on the weekends.

I tried to explain that they have their own lives to lead, but she says I obviously don’t understand or love our grandson the way she does.

I know she is hurting, but I’m not sure how to make her understand that this baby isn’t our son and that the kids aren’t trying to withhold him from us. They just want to live their lives and raise their son the same way we were allowed to raise our daughter.

What do you make of this?

Proud Grampa


oh my hot diggity dang that is a lot of days per week to see your parents  )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
DEAR ABBY: My son's new wife -- who has a daughter -- insisted that his two children are not biologically his. After a DNA test, it turns out she was right. They aren't. My son, my husband and I are heartbroken. His twins are 10, and they don't understand what's going on.

My husband and I are trying to gently remain in their lives with phone calls and limited visits. My son's wife refuses to visit with us until we stop communicating with the children, promise never to talk about them and display no pictures in our home. She's trying to convince our son to stop seeing us, as well. What to do? -- DISAPPOINTED IN TEXAS


Read more... )
minoanmiss: Theran girl gathering saffron (Saffron-Gatherer)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
My oldest child been a high-ability learner since he was under a year old. Now he is in first grade and testing in the top 98 percent of the state in math and reading. My husband grew up on a farm, and we have the opportunity to move close to family and build our dream home on over 50 acres of land. In many ways I know this will have a positive impact on my children, as they can help grandparents with farm chores and be close to cousins, and I truly believe nature is a nature stress reliever for my intelligent and anxious child.Read more... )
minoanmiss: Theran girl gathering saffron (Saffron-Gatherer)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
My spouse (he/him) and I (she/her) are beginning the process of becoming foster parents. We haven’t had a home study yet or anything — but we could be within six months of being eligible for placements if everything works out. Read more... )
minoanmiss: A little doll dressed as a Minoan girl (Minoan Child)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
Can't move in. My boyfriend lost his job and has moved in with me, since I own my own home and rent prices have risen sky-high. We have been talking about marriage. He shares custody of his 5-year-old son with his ex. Read more... )
minoanmiss: A little doll dressed as a Minoan girl (Minoan Child)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
Where did we mess up?

My husband and I have a frequent disagreement on our 3-year-old and her love for dresses and all things pink! For the first two years of her life, she was constantly mistaken for a boy because she wore gender-neutral clothes. We direct her towards books and other media that do not represent traditional gender roles (no sparkle princesses!). We ask friends and family to refrain from commenting on her appearance and clothing, if they can help it, and to instead focus on skills or interests. However, our daughter adores the color pink, insists on wearing dresses, and is currently obsessed with accessories. I am fine with this, though I hope it will be a phase.

Read more... )
minoanmiss: A little doll dressed as a Minoan girl (Minoan Child)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
(That's the setup to the real issue. I'm not good at summarizing these.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. Read more... )
likeaduck: Cristina from Grey's Anatomy runs towards the hospital as dawn breaks, carrying her motorcycle helmet. (Default)
[personal profile] likeaduck
Dear Care and Feeding,
 
My 2½-year-old has been going to day care/preschool since he was 3 months old. I have a career in higher education, and we cannot afford for me to stay home. (I’m also just not inclined to do so, if I’m being honest.) He goes to a wonderful preschool right now with a very engaging and structured curriculum, and he seems to be thriving. He’s learned an enormous amount in the six months he’s been there and has matured a lot, and every time I pick him up, he’s had a great time and tells me all about his day. His teachers are attentive and caring, we do parent-teacher “conferences” every six months to talk about his development, and we’ve been very happy with the decision to send him there.
 
My problem is that every morning, he complains about going and says he wants to stay home. He doesn’t cry, but he whines a lot and swings wildly between being upset that we’re going to school and seeming legitimately excited about the prospect. On mornings when he’s particularly difficult about it, I feel guilty for sending him. Some days I have even called out of work to stay home with him; he loves that for a few hours and then is promptly bored.
 
Is this normal? Does my child hate school, or does he just hate getting out of the house?
 
—Working Mom Guilt
 
Dear Guilty Working Mom,
 
It’s normal. He’s fine. If he’s coming home happy and thriving, all is well.
 
Don’t let him con you into taking days off unless you genuinely long to spend the day with him and have made plans accordingly in advance. What I think you’ve accidentally done by periodically letting him whine his way into keeping you with him is re-create those lab experiments where the rats get cocaine by pressing a little pedal.
 
If the rats get cocaine each time they press the pedal, and then the researcher turns off the cocaine, the rats figure it out quickly and stop trying. If the rats only occasionally get cocaine by pressing the pedal, why, they’ll keep trying a lot longer. Your son is an adorable, precious rat, the cocaine is you staying home with him, and the pedal is begging you to not make him go to school.
 
I think you have a lovely and normal toddler on your hands. To shake up the situation, I recommend reshuffling the morning routine a bit. See if that helps.

minoanmiss: Minoan Bast and a grey kitty (Minoan Bast)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
A team member has just announced she’s getting a puppy and naming him Achilles, which, though an unusual name, is the same name of another team member’s baby. (“Achilles” isn’t the real name, but it’s a similar degree of unusualness.) We are a small team of 10, and Achilles is the first and only baby anyone on the team has had.

She didn’t mention anything to her colleague before making this decision, and announced it in a team (Zoom) meeting. We were all stunned. As her manager, should I address it? The two already have a fairly tenuous relationship and I hope this won’t tip it over the edge!


Oh dear.
I’m a big believer that you don’t really get dibs on names. If she wants to name her dog Achilles and a coworker already has a baby named Achilles … well, she gets to do that. If her coworkers think it’s weird and want to judge her for it, they also get to do that.
However, if your sense is that she named the dog after the baby as a way to needle her coworker, it’s time to intervene in whatever is going on in that relationship. But you wouldn’t be addressing the dog’s name; you’d be addressing whatever is going on more broadly. You can’t have two people on your team not getting along and at least one needling the other, and that’s where I’d focus.
minoanmiss: A little doll dressed as a Minoan girl (Minoan Child)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
Dear Care and Feeding,

We have a wonderful 21-month-old son, whom I will refer to as Lennon, who has shown a keen interest in music since he was an infant. Read more... )
minoanmiss: Minoan youth I drew long ago. (Minoan Youth)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
I’m the father of a pair of 5-year-old twin boys, “Geoff” and “Paul.” The boys are funny and sharp and are almost always a delight but lately something, uh, delicate has come up. Read more... )
minoanmiss: A Minoan Harper, wearing a long robe, sitting on a rock (Minoan Harper)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
Dear Prudence,
My marriage ended because my wife had a late-in-life epiphany that she was gay. After we separated, she and her friend “Carole” began dating. Read more... )
lemonsharks: (Default)
[personal profile] lemonsharks
Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister and brother-in-law have struggled to conceive. They are starting the process of adoption. They are very religious and say they’re open to whatever child God wants to give them. But I’ve had conversations with them that make me sure they are unready to adopt a child with disabilities, and also that they don’t have the sensitivity to raise a child of a different race.

In general, I think they are ill-suited to raise children. My brother-in-law is short-tempered, and I’ve never seen him offer to help out with any domestic chores. My sister-in-law has a lot of emotional issues, and with so little support from her husband, I think she might sink under the pressure of parenthood.

They’ve asked me to be a personal reference for them. The thing is, I can’t give them my unqualified support in this area. It’s one thing to say I think they’ll be good at a job, and another to recommend a kid to their care for life! If I refuse, they’ll probably get someone from their church (where adoption is always an unqualified good) to write the recommendation. So it’s not like I can single-handedly stop them from adopting. But to agree to be a reference and then say something that might get them turned down feels cruel. What’s my responsibility here?
—Against Adoption?

Read more... )
minoanmiss: Minoan Traders and an Egyptian (Minoan Traders)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
Dear Care and Feeding,

At the playground I take my kids to, there is a middle-aged man who often comes and sits on a bench to watch the kids (and occasionally do a crossword puzzle). He doesn't have a camera or anything, but he's not there because he’s related to any of the children. I've checked in with the other parents, some of whom are skeeved out by his presence but most of whom don't see anything wrong with it. Should I ask him what he's doing or suggest he find a new place to sit?

—What's He Doing Here


Dear WHDH,
I would slow your roll. Some parks have explicit signage asking that adults only enter the playground if they are with a child. I assume yours does not, because you would have told me if he was actually breaking the rules.

You cannot be the sheriff of the playground.

As it stands, he's as entitled to this public space as anyone else. Maybe he enjoys the shouts of happy children at play. Maybe he's a creep. But he's not doing anything wrong by sitting there, and you have no justification for asking him to leave.

My advice is to sit next to him one day and draw him into conversation. "I see you here often. You must love this park," etc. This way he becomes more of a person to you and less of a potential threat. During this conversation you might, however, learn that he is substantially creepier in person, at which point my general advice to supervise your kids carefully at the park remains your best option.

If he tries to talk to or engage with your kids, that's when you can firmly tell him to back off and explain to him that you're working on "stranger danger."

But no, you cannot be the sheriff of the playground.
—Nicole

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