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Dear Prudence:
Mar. 6th, 2025 10:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ceretaLink.
Dear Prudence,
When I was growing up, my mother was the breadwinner while my father stayed home with us. It was always assumed that I, too, would be a “girlboss.” But I’ve had awful anxiety my whole life, and the idea of working outside the home overwhelmed me. It’s been a long journey for me to accept that I don’t need to earn money to be worthy.
I’m now a stay-at-home mom to two little boys, and we have a darling angel joining us this summer! My mother has been a tremendous help through my first trimester, and I feel truly blessed getting to see how happy and well-adjusted my boys are and thinking about how well-adjusted my daughter will be. Here’s where the problem comes in. I’ve seen how well-adjusted my kids are, and I know a HUGE part of that is my steady presence in the home. I’ve also been reading tons of parenting books about the importance of a healthy attachment in a child’s first three years to guarantee a healthy bond with the mother and emotional self-regulation. The more that I see the benefits of this in my own toddlers, the angrier I am with my mother.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. I blamed it on unpopularity in grade school and a heavy course load in college. Since becoming a SAHM, I’ve noticed that my anxiety is as crazy as ever even on “easy” days. Meanwhile, my tots are anxiety-free. I’ve realized that my years of anxiety attacks and lying awake at night is because I didn’t have that secure attachment with my mother in my early years. Now, I have a great bond with my mother as an adult! We talk every day, and I absolutely could not have gotten through the first trimester of any of my pregnancies without her, much less the postpartum months. But I’m still resentful that my mother didn’t make me more of a priority so that I could be well-adjusted.
I don’t know how to bring this up with her. We’ve talked before about the fact that she should have spent more time with me when I was a kid. I know that she was raised in a very careerist world. She sees my staying home with my kids as a “choice” and has a very “you do you” attitude about it, but that’s not enough. She doesn’t understand that by making her work a higher priority than me, she set me up for a lifetime of anxiety and attachment issues. Should I bring this up with her at all, or should I accept my mother’s limitations?
—First Generation SAHM
Dear First Generation SAHM,
It’s normal to feel resentment toward a parent about the choices they made that affected your well-being, especially when those effects are so clearly felt as an adult. Now that you’re a mother yourself, I can imagine that it’s galling to consider what your own childhood could have been like if your needs had been better met. I do think there’s a time and place in the future for you and your mother to have productive, compassionate conversations about how you feel about your childhood and the way she raised you.
But I think you first need to examine and work through your anger and resentment with a professional—ideally, a licensed therapist who can help you vent, rage, and grieve to your heart’s content. Therapy can also help you manage your anxiety generally, too. If talking to a therapist is out of the question for now, I think you need some form of a supportive outlet, such as a friend who also has similar mommy issues or even an online support group of fellow young mothers. You need some space to dig through the years of emotions and memories that have curdled into this resentment on your own first before you are ready to discuss it with your mother. Give yourself a lot of time to do this; no one in the history of the earth has ever fixed their mother-daughter relationship overnight.
You’ll know that you’re ready to talk to your mom once you’ve arrived at a place where you can feel a little compassion and empathy for the way she made a tough choice to balance her own needs with that of her children’s. No woman ever gets it perfectly right; when you’re able to feel more accepting of your mother’s choices, it’ll be a good time to open the conversation.
—Delia
Dear Prudence,
When I was growing up, my mother was the breadwinner while my father stayed home with us. It was always assumed that I, too, would be a “girlboss.” But I’ve had awful anxiety my whole life, and the idea of working outside the home overwhelmed me. It’s been a long journey for me to accept that I don’t need to earn money to be worthy.
I’m now a stay-at-home mom to two little boys, and we have a darling angel joining us this summer! My mother has been a tremendous help through my first trimester, and I feel truly blessed getting to see how happy and well-adjusted my boys are and thinking about how well-adjusted my daughter will be. Here’s where the problem comes in. I’ve seen how well-adjusted my kids are, and I know a HUGE part of that is my steady presence in the home. I’ve also been reading tons of parenting books about the importance of a healthy attachment in a child’s first three years to guarantee a healthy bond with the mother and emotional self-regulation. The more that I see the benefits of this in my own toddlers, the angrier I am with my mother.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. I blamed it on unpopularity in grade school and a heavy course load in college. Since becoming a SAHM, I’ve noticed that my anxiety is as crazy as ever even on “easy” days. Meanwhile, my tots are anxiety-free. I’ve realized that my years of anxiety attacks and lying awake at night is because I didn’t have that secure attachment with my mother in my early years. Now, I have a great bond with my mother as an adult! We talk every day, and I absolutely could not have gotten through the first trimester of any of my pregnancies without her, much less the postpartum months. But I’m still resentful that my mother didn’t make me more of a priority so that I could be well-adjusted.
I don’t know how to bring this up with her. We’ve talked before about the fact that she should have spent more time with me when I was a kid. I know that she was raised in a very careerist world. She sees my staying home with my kids as a “choice” and has a very “you do you” attitude about it, but that’s not enough. She doesn’t understand that by making her work a higher priority than me, she set me up for a lifetime of anxiety and attachment issues. Should I bring this up with her at all, or should I accept my mother’s limitations?
—First Generation SAHM
Dear First Generation SAHM,
It’s normal to feel resentment toward a parent about the choices they made that affected your well-being, especially when those effects are so clearly felt as an adult. Now that you’re a mother yourself, I can imagine that it’s galling to consider what your own childhood could have been like if your needs had been better met. I do think there’s a time and place in the future for you and your mother to have productive, compassionate conversations about how you feel about your childhood and the way she raised you.
But I think you first need to examine and work through your anger and resentment with a professional—ideally, a licensed therapist who can help you vent, rage, and grieve to your heart’s content. Therapy can also help you manage your anxiety generally, too. If talking to a therapist is out of the question for now, I think you need some form of a supportive outlet, such as a friend who also has similar mommy issues or even an online support group of fellow young mothers. You need some space to dig through the years of emotions and memories that have curdled into this resentment on your own first before you are ready to discuss it with your mother. Give yourself a lot of time to do this; no one in the history of the earth has ever fixed their mother-daughter relationship overnight.
You’ll know that you’re ready to talk to your mom once you’ve arrived at a place where you can feel a little compassion and empathy for the way she made a tough choice to balance her own needs with that of her children’s. No woman ever gets it perfectly right; when you’re able to feel more accepting of your mother’s choices, it’ll be a good time to open the conversation.
—Delia
minoanmissMy partner moved in with me during the pandemic. She has two adult sons, both of whom were living overseas when we got together. Her son, “Zach,” has recently moved back to the States, is now living in our guest room, and is currently looking for a full-time job. He is fine. His current girlfriend is not. I hesitate to call her a single parent because I haven’t seen her parent her kids. They scream at the top of their lungs, hit each other, and get into fights over everything. They don’t wash their hands, cover their mouths, or bother to flush the toilet when they are done. “Please” and “thank you” might as well be foreign words. Their mother’s answer is to throw a tablet at them until they shut up. Whenever my partner or I try to intervene like separating the fighting kids into separate rooms, coaching them to clean up after themselves, or turning off YouTube, she perks up and tells us not to parent her kids.
Recently, we had company over and used the firepit I had in the backyard. The 8-year-old kept trying to toss random trash into the fire. No matter how many times I told him to stop, he would ignore me and start up again. The last time he tried, I grabbed his hand and forced him to dump the trash on the ground. So he bit me. I don’t have kids, but my grandniece is a toddler and she understands this is unacceptable. His mother was polishing down another beer when I went up to her. I explained what happened, and she started to rant about how I can’t touch her kid, I can’t talk to her kid, and screw me for telling her how to raise them. So I told her to get the hell out of my house. It caused a scene where Zach had to drive his girlfriend and her kids home because it was obvious that she was too drunk to. Zach apologized, but I told him that his girlfriend and her kids were no longer welcome in my house. He could go visit her instead.
This sparked a fight with Zach and his mother. They feel I am acting like an overbearing ass, and I am quick to remind them, “my house, my rules.” Zach is perfectly welcome to move out into his own place or in with his girlfriend. Everything is tense. My partner agrees that the kids are out of control and their mother doesn’t do anything about it, but she says I “escalated” things. We have been trying the soft pedal approach. It has gotten us nowhere. I love her, but it is crazy to expect us to tolerate this behavior in our own home. Zach is pretty far gone on his girlfriend, and I know my partner is wary of pushing it, but come on. I need an outside perspective here, please.
—Crazy Kids
Dear Crazy Kids,
It sounds like your partner wants the house to be a comfortable place for her son and his girlfriend’s children, regardless of what it costs you. Talk to your partner first and let her know that the last thing you’d want is to cause drama with her son, but explain to her why what his girlfriend’s kid did was so dangerous. Let her know that you have been as patient and understanding as you can be, but that it’s simply obvious that this woman won’t step up and adequately parent her children. Ask her to back you up when it comes to talking to her son; bring up some of the kids’ other noteworthy shenanigans to remind him just what you are dealing with. Let him know that if there’s a marked difference in these children’s behavior, they can be welcome in your home again. Stick to your guns and don’t let either of them convince you that you have to open your doors to kids who don’t respect you.
—Jamilah
Recently, we had company over and used the firepit I had in the backyard. The 8-year-old kept trying to toss random trash into the fire. No matter how many times I told him to stop, he would ignore me and start up again. The last time he tried, I grabbed his hand and forced him to dump the trash on the ground. So he bit me. I don’t have kids, but my grandniece is a toddler and she understands this is unacceptable. His mother was polishing down another beer when I went up to her. I explained what happened, and she started to rant about how I can’t touch her kid, I can’t talk to her kid, and screw me for telling her how to raise them. So I told her to get the hell out of my house. It caused a scene where Zach had to drive his girlfriend and her kids home because it was obvious that she was too drunk to. Zach apologized, but I told him that his girlfriend and her kids were no longer welcome in my house. He could go visit her instead.
This sparked a fight with Zach and his mother. They feel I am acting like an overbearing ass, and I am quick to remind them, “my house, my rules.” Zach is perfectly welcome to move out into his own place or in with his girlfriend. Everything is tense. My partner agrees that the kids are out of control and their mother doesn’t do anything about it, but she says I “escalated” things. We have been trying the soft pedal approach. It has gotten us nowhere. I love her, but it is crazy to expect us to tolerate this behavior in our own home. Zach is pretty far gone on his girlfriend, and I know my partner is wary of pushing it, but come on. I need an outside perspective here, please.
—Crazy Kids
Dear Crazy Kids,
It sounds like your partner wants the house to be a comfortable place for her son and his girlfriend’s children, regardless of what it costs you. Talk to your partner first and let her know that the last thing you’d want is to cause drama with her son, but explain to her why what his girlfriend’s kid did was so dangerous. Let her know that you have been as patient and understanding as you can be, but that it’s simply obvious that this woman won’t step up and adequately parent her children. Ask her to back you up when it comes to talking to her son; bring up some of the kids’ other noteworthy shenanigans to remind him just what you are dealing with. Let him know that if there’s a marked difference in these children’s behavior, they can be welcome in your home again. Stick to your guns and don’t let either of them convince you that you have to open your doors to kids who don’t respect you.
—Jamilah
ceretaLink.
Dear Care and Feeding,
A few months ago, I caught my 13-year-old son, “Daniel,” with a pack of cigarettes in his room. No idea how he got them, and he refused to tell me, instead insisting he had a “right to privacy,” which he knows is conditional on him behaving properly. That led to several arguments and him calling me some truly vile, misogynistic names.
I managed to secure a therapist who specialized in adolescent care, and the first appointment was three weeks ago. Only, I just got a call this afternoon from the therapist, who tells me that this probably won’t work out. All three occasions, Daniel has steadfastly refused to talk to him about anything more personal than the latest sports news. He is convinced that the therapist will report on anything he says to me, and refuses to talk despite him telling my son that their conversations are confidential.
The therapist offered to recommend Daniel to a colleague of his, but I don’t know if it will work any better. Clearly, his oppositional defiance, which is what I think this is, has gotten very advanced and very sudden. He used to be such a well-behaved boy. And I don’t know what’s gotten into him or how to fix it. Right now, I’m scrambling, and I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go from here?
—Getting Him Back on the Right Track
Dear Right Track,
Take Daniel’s therapist up on his recommendation; this person may be a better fit for your son, and you don’t want to give up on the therapy so soon. It’s not uncommon to try a few providers before finding someone who works. I think you want to diligently address his misogyny before it goes any further; read up on raising anti-sexist boys in a culture of toxic masculinity. Try Raising Feminist Boys and How to Raise a Feminist Son. Also, pay attention to the content he’s consuming and monitor his online behavior, as well as his communications with his friends; be on the lookout for incel/manosphere content. Many boys your son’s age are being indoctrinated by deeply misogynistic influencers and YouTubers.
When Daniel misbehaves, he should face consequences: loss of screen time, no outings, etc. In my opinion, a kid displaying this type of behavior should not have a cell phone, unless it’s a basic one for dialing in and out to his parents. Remain firm with him, no matter how oppositional he may be. Try not to let him see you frustrated or feeling out of control. Let Daniel know regularly that you love and care for him, and that you only want him to live a good life. Do some research in to raising oppositional children. Though he may not be diagnosed as of yet, you may still find Raising Children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder to be helpful. Be patient with yourself and with Daniel, and remain consistent with therapy. There may be a reason for his behavior that you would be unable to determine on your own.
Dear Care and Feeding,
A few months ago, I caught my 13-year-old son, “Daniel,” with a pack of cigarettes in his room. No idea how he got them, and he refused to tell me, instead insisting he had a “right to privacy,” which he knows is conditional on him behaving properly. That led to several arguments and him calling me some truly vile, misogynistic names.
I managed to secure a therapist who specialized in adolescent care, and the first appointment was three weeks ago. Only, I just got a call this afternoon from the therapist, who tells me that this probably won’t work out. All three occasions, Daniel has steadfastly refused to talk to him about anything more personal than the latest sports news. He is convinced that the therapist will report on anything he says to me, and refuses to talk despite him telling my son that their conversations are confidential.
The therapist offered to recommend Daniel to a colleague of his, but I don’t know if it will work any better. Clearly, his oppositional defiance, which is what I think this is, has gotten very advanced and very sudden. He used to be such a well-behaved boy. And I don’t know what’s gotten into him or how to fix it. Right now, I’m scrambling, and I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go from here?
—Getting Him Back on the Right Track
Dear Right Track,
Take Daniel’s therapist up on his recommendation; this person may be a better fit for your son, and you don’t want to give up on the therapy so soon. It’s not uncommon to try a few providers before finding someone who works. I think you want to diligently address his misogyny before it goes any further; read up on raising anti-sexist boys in a culture of toxic masculinity. Try Raising Feminist Boys and How to Raise a Feminist Son. Also, pay attention to the content he’s consuming and monitor his online behavior, as well as his communications with his friends; be on the lookout for incel/manosphere content. Many boys your son’s age are being indoctrinated by deeply misogynistic influencers and YouTubers.
When Daniel misbehaves, he should face consequences: loss of screen time, no outings, etc. In my opinion, a kid displaying this type of behavior should not have a cell phone, unless it’s a basic one for dialing in and out to his parents. Remain firm with him, no matter how oppositional he may be. Try not to let him see you frustrated or feeling out of control. Let Daniel know regularly that you love and care for him, and that you only want him to live a good life. Do some research in to raising oppositional children. Though he may not be diagnosed as of yet, you may still find Raising Children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder to be helpful. Be patient with yourself and with Daniel, and remain consistent with therapy. There may be a reason for his behavior that you would be unable to determine on your own.
ceretaLink.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 14-year-old son, “Ed.” Ed’s in his school’s theater club, and they’re putting on production for the end of the year. Normally they do Shakespeare adaptations, but this year the club president decided to shake things up and they’re staging an adaptation of some old sci-fi video game, about a group of people (aliens, I suppose) trying to reclaim their homeworld after an exile. Ed is playing the senior fleet intelligence officer. I’ve been to a few of his practices, and the character he plays, as well as the degree he gets into character, is extremely disturbing. It’s this extremely cold, callous, ultra-professional in a very nasty profession sort of character. He has another character tortured to death and later relates it to the other bridge crew/major characters with a completely casual “Subject did not survive interrogation.” He pretty much never shows anything on his face when playing the part, and several of the other characters are noticeably uneasy around his.
I get that Ed isn’t the characters he plays. But the way he shifts into this character and holds that role makes my flesh crawl. I’ve seriously considered pulling him out of the theater club over this, although I haven’t pulled the trigger on that so far. Am I going too far with this? Ed would hate it if I yanked him out, but at the same time I am convinced that playing this character is unhealthy.
—Theater Trouble
Dear Theater Trouble,
I think you could have stopped at “Ed isn’t the characters he plays”! Making him quit the club seems like it would be a massive overreaction. If you find him disturbing in this role, don’t you think that probably just speaks to his ability as an actor? If the club had stuck with Shakespeare and put on Othello, would you force him to give up the role of Iago?
I’m guessing that Ed likes theater club or he wouldn’t be a part of it. Instead of freaking out and yanking him from the production, maybe ask him how he feels and how it’s been going for him. What does he think about the play? How does he feel about his character? What sort of direction or input is he getting from the club? What other sorts of roles would he be interested in down the line? Let him tell you about the experience; the good things he gets out of participating. This is one role in one play—you may not like it, but try to remember that he’s an actor playing a part and let him enjoy it.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 14-year-old son, “Ed.” Ed’s in his school’s theater club, and they’re putting on production for the end of the year. Normally they do Shakespeare adaptations, but this year the club president decided to shake things up and they’re staging an adaptation of some old sci-fi video game, about a group of people (aliens, I suppose) trying to reclaim their homeworld after an exile. Ed is playing the senior fleet intelligence officer. I’ve been to a few of his practices, and the character he plays, as well as the degree he gets into character, is extremely disturbing. It’s this extremely cold, callous, ultra-professional in a very nasty profession sort of character. He has another character tortured to death and later relates it to the other bridge crew/major characters with a completely casual “Subject did not survive interrogation.” He pretty much never shows anything on his face when playing the part, and several of the other characters are noticeably uneasy around his.
I get that Ed isn’t the characters he plays. But the way he shifts into this character and holds that role makes my flesh crawl. I’ve seriously considered pulling him out of the theater club over this, although I haven’t pulled the trigger on that so far. Am I going too far with this? Ed would hate it if I yanked him out, but at the same time I am convinced that playing this character is unhealthy.
—Theater Trouble
Dear Theater Trouble,
I think you could have stopped at “Ed isn’t the characters he plays”! Making him quit the club seems like it would be a massive overreaction. If you find him disturbing in this role, don’t you think that probably just speaks to his ability as an actor? If the club had stuck with Shakespeare and put on Othello, would you force him to give up the role of Iago?
I’m guessing that Ed likes theater club or he wouldn’t be a part of it. Instead of freaking out and yanking him from the production, maybe ask him how he feels and how it’s been going for him. What does he think about the play? How does he feel about his character? What sort of direction or input is he getting from the club? What other sorts of roles would he be interested in down the line? Let him tell you about the experience; the good things he gets out of participating. This is one role in one play—you may not like it, but try to remember that he’s an actor playing a part and let him enjoy it.
ceretaDear Care and Feeding,
I have a 14-year-old son, “Toby.” Toby’s always been a jokester, and I don’t mean in the telling jokes sort of way: He’s frequently a class clown and someone who has to say or do outrageous things in any group to get attention. It was tolerable; despite his antics, his grades are good, and he usually knows how to toe the line and avoid serious trouble. Well, until yesterday.
I was expecting an important call from work, serious enough to take on a weekend. But I had a stomach issue and was in the restroom when the phone rang, so Toby picked it up. I was on the can for about 10 minutes and could hear Toby speaking to someone but not clearly saying what he was saying. I get out of the restroom and find Toby laughing his head off.
He had told my co-worker that she had called a murder scene, and he was the detective investigating and spent the call grilling her on how she “knew the victim” and asking for her input on whether she knew anyone likely to do this.
I got the phone back from him and straightened everything out with my colleague, or so I think. This has gone way too far. And I wish I could say I didn’t see the warning signs, but they were always there. Yes, I can be more careful about letting him get my phone, but the whole incident makes me realize I’ve been too lenient about these pranks, and they need to stop yesterday. Only, I’ve indulged them long enough that I’m not sure how to make an about-face work when he inevitably doesn’t want to go along. How do I change a significant part of his personality at this stage?
—Gone Too Far
Dear Gone Too Far,
You’re going to have to teach your son the difference between an acceptable prank, such as pretending to be a fast food restaurant when your sister calls, and an inappropriate one, like the one he did recently. Be honest with him about the fact that you let his shenanigans go on for too long, and that you regret not checking him sooner. When his antics cross the line, he should face consequences; loss of screen time is one that tends to resonate with kids his age. Talk to him about how his actions make people feel and ask him to consider how terrified your coworker must have been. Explain to him that pranks should be fun for everyone involved, not just the person pulling them. As a rule, if the target of his jokes can’t laugh along with them, then he shouldn’t proceed. Hold him accountable going forward, and don’t worry that you’re altering part of his personality; you’ll be helping him to improve his character.
I have a 14-year-old son, “Toby.” Toby’s always been a jokester, and I don’t mean in the telling jokes sort of way: He’s frequently a class clown and someone who has to say or do outrageous things in any group to get attention. It was tolerable; despite his antics, his grades are good, and he usually knows how to toe the line and avoid serious trouble. Well, until yesterday.
I was expecting an important call from work, serious enough to take on a weekend. But I had a stomach issue and was in the restroom when the phone rang, so Toby picked it up. I was on the can for about 10 minutes and could hear Toby speaking to someone but not clearly saying what he was saying. I get out of the restroom and find Toby laughing his head off.
He had told my co-worker that she had called a murder scene, and he was the detective investigating and spent the call grilling her on how she “knew the victim” and asking for her input on whether she knew anyone likely to do this.
I got the phone back from him and straightened everything out with my colleague, or so I think. This has gone way too far. And I wish I could say I didn’t see the warning signs, but they were always there. Yes, I can be more careful about letting him get my phone, but the whole incident makes me realize I’ve been too lenient about these pranks, and they need to stop yesterday. Only, I’ve indulged them long enough that I’m not sure how to make an about-face work when he inevitably doesn’t want to go along. How do I change a significant part of his personality at this stage?
—Gone Too Far
Dear Gone Too Far,
You’re going to have to teach your son the difference between an acceptable prank, such as pretending to be a fast food restaurant when your sister calls, and an inappropriate one, like the one he did recently. Be honest with him about the fact that you let his shenanigans go on for too long, and that you regret not checking him sooner. When his antics cross the line, he should face consequences; loss of screen time is one that tends to resonate with kids his age. Talk to him about how his actions make people feel and ask him to consider how terrified your coworker must have been. Explain to him that pranks should be fun for everyone involved, not just the person pulling them. As a rule, if the target of his jokes can’t laugh along with them, then he shouldn’t proceed. Hold him accountable going forward, and don’t worry that you’re altering part of his personality; you’ll be helping him to improve his character.
Care and Feeding: On Returning to the U.S.
Feb. 6th, 2025 05:57 pmceretaDear Care and Feeding,
We have a transgender kid (12) who is receiving puberty blockers. The new administration is going to try to coerce the only provider in our home state to shut down their pediatric gender-affirming care clinic. We are currently abroad for what was supposed to be a year, and while they have adapted pretty well, what our kid wants more than anything is to go home to their friends. But we have the possibility to stay here, and our sense is that being in a country that treats trans rights as human rights is a better long-term choice for our kid than trying to stick it out at home if we can’t get care. We know we are really lucky to have this option, but this is way beyond the other hard conversations we’ve figured out how to have with our child. If you had to break this news to a homesick kid, how would you do it?
—You Can’t Go Home Again
Dear You Can’t Go Home,
I’m really sorry that you and your family have to factor this into the decision of where to live. If I were in your place, I think I’d want to start by having some honest conversations with your kid about what’s going on at home, without focusing on the question of whether or not you’ll go back. You’ll face that choice soon enough, but your child might benefit from some time to hear and process what’s happening—and express whatever it is they’re feeling—before you all turn your attention to such a huge decision.
As for what to tell them, I think you can be honest and tell them that this administration is trying to make trans people’s lives harder in many ways, including by threatening the healthcare they need. (It’s unclear how far they’ll get, but we know they will keep trying, because, like transphobic losers everywhere, this is an obsession for them.) There are still many people here on your kid’s side, who support trans rights—just like there are people who love and care about all of you at home. You can remind your child of how loved and supported they are and will be, no matter where you live. It’s natural to be angry or alarmed or scared when your rights and identity are under attack, but nothing any bigot says can change the fact that they are who they are, and they are good. I really appreciated this essay by Raquel Willis in Teen Vogue—it may also give you some ideas of how your family can think and talk about what’s happening.
As parents, we never want our kids to be sad or afraid, but we can’t always prevent it. What we can do is let them know that they don’t have to feel this way alone—we’re going to be with them. Your child may still be homesick and want to move back after hearing how bad things are here. It’s ok for them to feel that way, to want to go home. Make sure they know that you’re focused on trying to do what’s best for them, and that they’re always allowed to express what they’re thinking. Ultimately, the question of where your family lives is a parental decision, but you can assure them that you’ll take their wishes into account, as well as their safety and wellbeing.
We have a transgender kid (12) who is receiving puberty blockers. The new administration is going to try to coerce the only provider in our home state to shut down their pediatric gender-affirming care clinic. We are currently abroad for what was supposed to be a year, and while they have adapted pretty well, what our kid wants more than anything is to go home to their friends. But we have the possibility to stay here, and our sense is that being in a country that treats trans rights as human rights is a better long-term choice for our kid than trying to stick it out at home if we can’t get care. We know we are really lucky to have this option, but this is way beyond the other hard conversations we’ve figured out how to have with our child. If you had to break this news to a homesick kid, how would you do it?
—You Can’t Go Home Again
Dear You Can’t Go Home,
I’m really sorry that you and your family have to factor this into the decision of where to live. If I were in your place, I think I’d want to start by having some honest conversations with your kid about what’s going on at home, without focusing on the question of whether or not you’ll go back. You’ll face that choice soon enough, but your child might benefit from some time to hear and process what’s happening—and express whatever it is they’re feeling—before you all turn your attention to such a huge decision.
As for what to tell them, I think you can be honest and tell them that this administration is trying to make trans people’s lives harder in many ways, including by threatening the healthcare they need. (It’s unclear how far they’ll get, but we know they will keep trying, because, like transphobic losers everywhere, this is an obsession for them.) There are still many people here on your kid’s side, who support trans rights—just like there are people who love and care about all of you at home. You can remind your child of how loved and supported they are and will be, no matter where you live. It’s natural to be angry or alarmed or scared when your rights and identity are under attack, but nothing any bigot says can change the fact that they are who they are, and they are good. I really appreciated this essay by Raquel Willis in Teen Vogue—it may also give you some ideas of how your family can think and talk about what’s happening.
As parents, we never want our kids to be sad or afraid, but we can’t always prevent it. What we can do is let them know that they don’t have to feel this way alone—we’re going to be with them. Your child may still be homesick and want to move back after hearing how bad things are here. It’s ok for them to feel that way, to want to go home. Make sure they know that you’re focused on trying to do what’s best for them, and that they’re always allowed to express what they’re thinking. Ultimately, the question of where your family lives is a parental decision, but you can assure them that you’ll take their wishes into account, as well as their safety and wellbeing.
ceretaOlder column, but hoo boy. Note: Letter is second in the column.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our early 30s and hoping to buy a house and start a family within the next few years, but we’re having trouble figuring out how to fit my brother into our plans. My brother has mental health struggles—primarily anxiety. My mother, who has similar struggles, has never wanted to force him to do anything that makes him anxious. Unfortunately, that has included never requiring him to see a therapist, so he is largely undiagnosed and untreated. He is 30 now, has never finished high school and has never had a job. He still lives with my mother and their relationship is unsettlingly codependent. She cleans up after him and is generally at his beck and call. That has always been their dynamic.
My issue now is that she expects me to take over for her after her death. I’ve always known that his care would be my responsibility eventually and my husband and I have discussed it extensively. Our position is that we will make sure he has a place to live, but if he lives with us he will need to be willing to move to wherever we live, coexist with kids if we have them, and maintain a reasonable level of cleanliness. (Ideally, we would also like him to go to therapy and register for disability.) If he doesn’t want to do that, we will happily help him find somewhere else to live. My mom thinks this is selfish of us. She doesn’t want him uprooted after her death and thinks we should move home to be with him. She also thinks he should have a say in whether or not we have kids. To us those feel like ridiculous asks, but her position is that he is family and as his sister I should prioritize him over our careers and any hypothetical future children.
I’ve attempted to talk with him directly, but he refuses to discuss it and will physically walk away from any conversation he doesn’t want to have. Our mom is in her 70s now, and the need to have a plan in place is feeling increasingly urgent. I worry that her complete unwillingness to put any expectations on him is going to make living with him miserable, and I am scared that her opinions (which she shares with him loudly and often) are going to color him and leave us living with someone who resents us. Am I being selfish here? Is there any hope for making our future living arrangements less of a mess?
—Selfish Sister
Dear Selfish Sister,
Your mom loves her son very much. Also, she is being ridiculous. Your willingness to let your brother—who has anxiety, which is treatable, and not a condition that makes him unable to care for himself—live with you if he meets certain conditions is extraordinarily generous. And … maybe unwise. Simply put, it sounds like he’s going to make you miserable. Think of the way he walks away from conversations that he doesn’t want to engage in? You realize he’s going to do that when you ask him to help with the dishes once a week, right?
You’re buying into the idea that responsibility for your brother will automatically transfer from your mother to you. By not questioning this, you’re being almost as codependent as she is. And you’re letting two people whose decision-making you don’t respect shape your family’s future. What if, instead, your mom’s eventual passing is a moment for your brother to take responsibility for himself? If you jump in and house him and take on the mother role—the role that you think has held him back so much—he is never going to have a reason to do the things you wish he would do.
Tell him (in writing if he refuses a conversation) that you’ve thought it over and because he is not in therapy and has not applied for disability, you’re not comfortable having him live with you. You can include information on all the resources he might need in his journey to independence, from sliding scale counselors to job training programs to support groups to local nonprofits that might help him identify affordable housing. And then stop. Don’t push. Don’t ask for updates. Don’t go back and forth with your mom. Your mantra is “They are both grown-ups. They’re making their choices and I’m making mine.”
I’m not pushing tough love as a full solution to your brother’s problems, I’m not naive, and I know that it’s really hard to survive in this country and you probably won’t be able to live with yourself if he doesn’t have a roof over his head. But he should try—and come to you, adult-to-adult, with a proposal about how living with you will look, if he’s unable to make it work—rather than being handed over like a small child in a custody exchange.
Your mom’s role as his caregiver obviously doesn’t look appealing to you. So taking it on should be an absolute last resort.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our early 30s and hoping to buy a house and start a family within the next few years, but we’re having trouble figuring out how to fit my brother into our plans. My brother has mental health struggles—primarily anxiety. My mother, who has similar struggles, has never wanted to force him to do anything that makes him anxious. Unfortunately, that has included never requiring him to see a therapist, so he is largely undiagnosed and untreated. He is 30 now, has never finished high school and has never had a job. He still lives with my mother and their relationship is unsettlingly codependent. She cleans up after him and is generally at his beck and call. That has always been their dynamic.
My issue now is that she expects me to take over for her after her death. I’ve always known that his care would be my responsibility eventually and my husband and I have discussed it extensively. Our position is that we will make sure he has a place to live, but if he lives with us he will need to be willing to move to wherever we live, coexist with kids if we have them, and maintain a reasonable level of cleanliness. (Ideally, we would also like him to go to therapy and register for disability.) If he doesn’t want to do that, we will happily help him find somewhere else to live. My mom thinks this is selfish of us. She doesn’t want him uprooted after her death and thinks we should move home to be with him. She also thinks he should have a say in whether or not we have kids. To us those feel like ridiculous asks, but her position is that he is family and as his sister I should prioritize him over our careers and any hypothetical future children.
I’ve attempted to talk with him directly, but he refuses to discuss it and will physically walk away from any conversation he doesn’t want to have. Our mom is in her 70s now, and the need to have a plan in place is feeling increasingly urgent. I worry that her complete unwillingness to put any expectations on him is going to make living with him miserable, and I am scared that her opinions (which she shares with him loudly and often) are going to color him and leave us living with someone who resents us. Am I being selfish here? Is there any hope for making our future living arrangements less of a mess?
—Selfish Sister
Dear Selfish Sister,
Your mom loves her son very much. Also, she is being ridiculous. Your willingness to let your brother—who has anxiety, which is treatable, and not a condition that makes him unable to care for himself—live with you if he meets certain conditions is extraordinarily generous. And … maybe unwise. Simply put, it sounds like he’s going to make you miserable. Think of the way he walks away from conversations that he doesn’t want to engage in? You realize he’s going to do that when you ask him to help with the dishes once a week, right?
You’re buying into the idea that responsibility for your brother will automatically transfer from your mother to you. By not questioning this, you’re being almost as codependent as she is. And you’re letting two people whose decision-making you don’t respect shape your family’s future. What if, instead, your mom’s eventual passing is a moment for your brother to take responsibility for himself? If you jump in and house him and take on the mother role—the role that you think has held him back so much—he is never going to have a reason to do the things you wish he would do.
Tell him (in writing if he refuses a conversation) that you’ve thought it over and because he is not in therapy and has not applied for disability, you’re not comfortable having him live with you. You can include information on all the resources he might need in his journey to independence, from sliding scale counselors to job training programs to support groups to local nonprofits that might help him identify affordable housing. And then stop. Don’t push. Don’t ask for updates. Don’t go back and forth with your mom. Your mantra is “They are both grown-ups. They’re making their choices and I’m making mine.”
I’m not pushing tough love as a full solution to your brother’s problems, I’m not naive, and I know that it’s really hard to survive in this country and you probably won’t be able to live with yourself if he doesn’t have a roof over his head. But he should try—and come to you, adult-to-adult, with a proposal about how living with you will look, if he’s unable to make it work—rather than being handed over like a small child in a custody exchange.
Your mom’s role as his caregiver obviously doesn’t look appealing to you. So taking it on should be an absolute last resort.
Children have opinions, news at 11
Dec. 4th, 2024 01:54 pmysobelHow do we get our 4-year-old to stop negotiating and respect our rules?
Hi Meghan: My 4-year-old is pushing boundaries, as she should. She’s also a fast learner. She’s taken to turning the same approaches we use on her back on us.
For example: She would not go into her room at bedtime. Parent said if she did not go into her room, she would lose one minute of screen time the next day. A few minutes later, she said if parent did not do something they had already said we would not do, parent would lose five points tomorrow. Funny, usually. But not when we say “I’m asking you to do X” or “I need you to do Y” and the response is often “No, I’M asking you to do [some unacceptable thing].”
How do we balance respecting her right for autonomy and her (frankly very good) negotiation techniques with the need for her to respect rules and do what we say when necessary?
— Mini-negotiator
Mini-negotiator: Negotiation requires not just talking through something but compromising on what you want. Sure, you can have some discussion with a 4-year-old, but compromise? That requires a good bit of maturity and the ability to consider another person’s viewpoint and, it turns out, 4-year-old children aren’t so hot at that.
( Read more... )
Hi Meghan: My 4-year-old is pushing boundaries, as she should. She’s also a fast learner. She’s taken to turning the same approaches we use on her back on us.
For example: She would not go into her room at bedtime. Parent said if she did not go into her room, she would lose one minute of screen time the next day. A few minutes later, she said if parent did not do something they had already said we would not do, parent would lose five points tomorrow. Funny, usually. But not when we say “I’m asking you to do X” or “I need you to do Y” and the response is often “No, I’M asking you to do [some unacceptable thing].”
How do we balance respecting her right for autonomy and her (frankly very good) negotiation techniques with the need for her to respect rules and do what we say when necessary?
— Mini-negotiator
Mini-negotiator: Negotiation requires not just talking through something but compromising on what you want. Sure, you can have some discussion with a 4-year-old, but compromise? That requires a good bit of maturity and the ability to consider another person’s viewpoint and, it turns out, 4-year-old children aren’t so hot at that.
( Read more... )
WTF is this person's problem!?
Sep. 10th, 2024 10:19 amconulyDEAR HARRIETTE: I've been feeling concerned about my teenage daughter lately. She's started spending time with a new group of friends who are really into extreme sports like skateboarding and parkour. This is a big shift from the activities we've always encouraged, such as volunteering and participating in community events. Last night she mentioned planning a parkour session at an old factory, and it made me uneasy. I'm worried about the risks involved and how this new interest might pull her away from the values we've worked hard to instill. I know that today's generation seems to have different sensitivities compared to ours, and I'm reluctant to simply forbid her from pursuing her interests. I want to discuss my concerns with her, but I'm not sure how to approach the conversation without pushing her away. How can I express my worries while remaining supportive and keeping our lines of communication open? -- Concerned Parent
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( Read more... )
Parents I think I dislike very strongly
Sep. 2nd, 2024 01:21 amconuly1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 12-year-old who lives for choir and musical theater. She’s been taking piano lessons for four years and has never really been into it the way she is into singing.
She loves to play the piano, but she hates having to practice. I want her to keep taking piano lessons, because 1) It’s such a good companion to the choir stuff (if she decides to do music for a living, she’ll have a head start with already knowing piano and being able to read music—something they don’t study in her choir) 2) we have asked both our kids to pick and stick with a musical instrument and an organized sport or physical activity, and she has no interest in another instrument (or a sport for what it’s worth); 3) we believe strongly in the benefits of musicianship and of needing to practice and work at something. It also bothers me that her main argument for quitting piano is that her teacher makes her keep her fingernails shorter than she’d like them to be. I’m sure there are other reasons, but she’s a tween and that’s all she’s said out loud. In pretty much every other extracurricular, we’ve let the kids choose whether to participate and how much. Am I making my kid miserable because I regret quitting piano as a child? Is it reasonable to ask that the kids play music whether they want to or not?
—To Quit or Not to Quit
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*******************************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
We have an 8-year-old daughter, “Jess,” who does a lot of extracurricular activities. She loves what she does, tries hard, and is relatively successful at them (she represented her school for athletics, she plays the piano well, she’s at the top of her class academically, and she has won a couple of local dance competitions). We have always encouraged her to try different things and will support her as long as she puts in lots of effort (never a problem). Jess has a close friend at school, “Mia,” who has quite a few overlapping activities. Mia’s parents’ motivations are quite different from ours.
They are highly competitive and have openly said that they are pushing Mia into all of these activities to get scholarships. Mia has an elaborate schedule for study, sport, and practice of instruments. There is a strong emphasis on coming in first in everything, and unfortunately, since our daughters share so many activities, Jess seems to have become a benchmark for Mia. When we socialize with the parents, they are incredibly supportive of Jess, always mentioning how well she performed and complimenting her work ethic, etc. It does come across as a little disingenuous, and they seem to be fishing for “tricks”—how we get Jess to study and train—but at least it is positive feedback in front of Jess. Unfortunately, Mia doesn’t have much of a social filter yet, and the messages she must be getting at home have turned her into the very definition of a bad sport. When Mia wins something, she will go on and on about how she is much better than Jess at whatever they were doing. When Jess wins something, she gets a breakdown analysis about why Mia “actually won” or “should have won” and Mia makes it clear Jess wasn’t really deserving of the win. This often comes with a blow-by-blow account about how their family had gone over video footage to determine that Mia was actually better. This has escalated in the last six months, and now we’re at the point that, after competitions that Mia has not even entered, she will provide commentary about how Jess did not deserve to win. To top it off, she has started to exclude Jess from social groups, and she has begun bullying Jess when she does well at something at school.
Jess would be happy to cut ties with Mia, although she is concerned about the social implications at school. She has voiced her sadness about how her friend does not support her and seems jealous all the time. What I want to know is this: Do we leave it at that? Helping her/supporting her in distancing herself from Mia, acknowledging that this is a toxic friendship, and moving on? Or should we talk to Mia’s parents about her behavior? If I were them, I would be horrified by what my daughter was saying and doing. She is certainly revealing a lot more than is probably intended from family discussions. I’d love to let them know exactly what Mia has been saying, and I wonder if we could mitigate the behavior with a little bit of parental intervention. I would hope that maybe we could at least limit the extent to which Mia excludes Jess at school. So should I say something? If so, what? I have no idea how to tell them that I know about all the negative things they have been saying behind our backs.
—Not That Competitive
( Read more... )
I have a 12-year-old who lives for choir and musical theater. She’s been taking piano lessons for four years and has never really been into it the way she is into singing.
She loves to play the piano, but she hates having to practice. I want her to keep taking piano lessons, because 1) It’s such a good companion to the choir stuff (if she decides to do music for a living, she’ll have a head start with already knowing piano and being able to read music—something they don’t study in her choir) 2) we have asked both our kids to pick and stick with a musical instrument and an organized sport or physical activity, and she has no interest in another instrument (or a sport for what it’s worth); 3) we believe strongly in the benefits of musicianship and of needing to practice and work at something. It also bothers me that her main argument for quitting piano is that her teacher makes her keep her fingernails shorter than she’d like them to be. I’m sure there are other reasons, but she’s a tween and that’s all she’s said out loud. In pretty much every other extracurricular, we’ve let the kids choose whether to participate and how much. Am I making my kid miserable because I regret quitting piano as a child? Is it reasonable to ask that the kids play music whether they want to or not?
—To Quit or Not to Quit
( Read more... )
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
We have an 8-year-old daughter, “Jess,” who does a lot of extracurricular activities. She loves what she does, tries hard, and is relatively successful at them (she represented her school for athletics, she plays the piano well, she’s at the top of her class academically, and she has won a couple of local dance competitions). We have always encouraged her to try different things and will support her as long as she puts in lots of effort (never a problem). Jess has a close friend at school, “Mia,” who has quite a few overlapping activities. Mia’s parents’ motivations are quite different from ours.
They are highly competitive and have openly said that they are pushing Mia into all of these activities to get scholarships. Mia has an elaborate schedule for study, sport, and practice of instruments. There is a strong emphasis on coming in first in everything, and unfortunately, since our daughters share so many activities, Jess seems to have become a benchmark for Mia. When we socialize with the parents, they are incredibly supportive of Jess, always mentioning how well she performed and complimenting her work ethic, etc. It does come across as a little disingenuous, and they seem to be fishing for “tricks”—how we get Jess to study and train—but at least it is positive feedback in front of Jess. Unfortunately, Mia doesn’t have much of a social filter yet, and the messages she must be getting at home have turned her into the very definition of a bad sport. When Mia wins something, she will go on and on about how she is much better than Jess at whatever they were doing. When Jess wins something, she gets a breakdown analysis about why Mia “actually won” or “should have won” and Mia makes it clear Jess wasn’t really deserving of the win. This often comes with a blow-by-blow account about how their family had gone over video footage to determine that Mia was actually better. This has escalated in the last six months, and now we’re at the point that, after competitions that Mia has not even entered, she will provide commentary about how Jess did not deserve to win. To top it off, she has started to exclude Jess from social groups, and she has begun bullying Jess when she does well at something at school.
Jess would be happy to cut ties with Mia, although she is concerned about the social implications at school. She has voiced her sadness about how her friend does not support her and seems jealous all the time. What I want to know is this: Do we leave it at that? Helping her/supporting her in distancing herself from Mia, acknowledging that this is a toxic friendship, and moving on? Or should we talk to Mia’s parents about her behavior? If I were them, I would be horrified by what my daughter was saying and doing. She is certainly revealing a lot more than is probably intended from family discussions. I’d love to let them know exactly what Mia has been saying, and I wonder if we could mitigate the behavior with a little bit of parental intervention. I would hope that maybe we could at least limit the extent to which Mia excludes Jess at school. So should I say something? If so, what? I have no idea how to tell them that I know about all the negative things they have been saying behind our backs.
—Not That Competitive
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minoanmissHaving MSN as my work launch page is bad for my soul but it delivers several advice columns. Content advisory: LW is extremely apprehensive about pregnancy. ( Read more... )
conulyDear Care and Feeding,
I’m a stepmom in a blended family. My husband has a 5-year-old son, “Corey,” from his first marriage, and together we have a 5-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. We used to have Corey on Sunday afternoons, but his mom took a new job when he started kindergarten and pushed for custody changes. Parenting two kids all week is exhausting, and now we have Corey Friday through Sunday every week too. Corey has a lot of trouble every time he switches over from his mom’s house to ours, and tattles that his stepsister “isn’t following the rules”—but it’s because his mom is a helicopter parent, while our house is about independence-building. He’s clingy and needs help with everything, and the weekend is miserable for everyone.
Corey’s aunt takes him after school four days a week, but not on Fridays. This means we have to arrange once-a-week afterschool care for him, which is expensive and inconvenient, and I usually end up having to be the one who leaves work early for pickup because that care ends at 4:45 p.m. I’m exhausted by this and the full weekend of managing our two kids plus Corey that comes afterward, including driving him to activities, like soccer games, that his mom is happy to sign him up for and then leave to us to deal with. I need Corey’s aunt, at the very least, to take him on Fridays to make it fair, but she refuses because she blames me for her sister’s divorce. When I asked my husband to talk to his ex and her sister about making the childcare arrangement fairer, he said he’d do it but then made excuses and never did. I know the divorce was unfriendly, but it’s been nearly five years and I’m tired of dealing with this. Corey would benefit from more predictability with his aunt, I know. I also think if he wasn’t scheduled for weekend activities he’d become more independent. I can’t get any support for any of this! How do I get my calm weekends back?
—Overworked Stepmom
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I’m a stepmom in a blended family. My husband has a 5-year-old son, “Corey,” from his first marriage, and together we have a 5-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. We used to have Corey on Sunday afternoons, but his mom took a new job when he started kindergarten and pushed for custody changes. Parenting two kids all week is exhausting, and now we have Corey Friday through Sunday every week too. Corey has a lot of trouble every time he switches over from his mom’s house to ours, and tattles that his stepsister “isn’t following the rules”—but it’s because his mom is a helicopter parent, while our house is about independence-building. He’s clingy and needs help with everything, and the weekend is miserable for everyone.
Corey’s aunt takes him after school four days a week, but not on Fridays. This means we have to arrange once-a-week afterschool care for him, which is expensive and inconvenient, and I usually end up having to be the one who leaves work early for pickup because that care ends at 4:45 p.m. I’m exhausted by this and the full weekend of managing our two kids plus Corey that comes afterward, including driving him to activities, like soccer games, that his mom is happy to sign him up for and then leave to us to deal with. I need Corey’s aunt, at the very least, to take him on Fridays to make it fair, but she refuses because she blames me for her sister’s divorce. When I asked my husband to talk to his ex and her sister about making the childcare arrangement fairer, he said he’d do it but then made excuses and never did. I know the divorce was unfriendly, but it’s been nearly five years and I’m tired of dealing with this. Corey would benefit from more predictability with his aunt, I know. I also think if he wasn’t scheduled for weekend activities he’d become more independent. I can’t get any support for any of this! How do I get my calm weekends back?
—Overworked Stepmom
( Read more... )
petrea_mitchellDear Annie: My daughter is 8 years old and was recently diagnosed with autism. She was just diagnosed at age 7, but I have suspected she is autistic since about age 3 when she was severely speech-delayed.
Over the years, I had suggested she was autistic to my husband several times, and his responses were things like, “She’s just a little bit behind” and ‚”She’s just stubborn and hot-headed like her daddy.”
My concerns were always brushed off. However, he could no longer use those excuses when last year her classroom had to be evacuated due to her throwing furniture during one of her meltdowns.
Even during the evaluations, he seemed confident that she wouldn’t be diagnosed with autism, and when she was, he seemed to not take it well.
Due to her growing in both age and strength, I have needed additional help with her. I am a stay-at-home mom of three, and when she has bad days, it has been increasingly difficult for me.
My husband has been working fewer hours lately and has hired a care worker to help me on the days when he is working, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Since he’s been around more, he has been witnessing the meltdowns that I have been telling him about for years, and unfortunately he has not been handling them well.
Since her diagnosis, I have attended parent training and have been doing what has been advised to me. I am patient with her and help her regulate her emotions when she is not able to self-regulate.
He gets easily frustrated, yelling at her to “just stop,” or sometimes he tries to distract her with hugs or tickles (something that makes her meltdowns worse, as she doesn’t like to be touched in those moments).
When I try to explain to him that those things don’t work and she can’t “just stop,” then he turns his frustration toward me. He thinks that I believe he is not a good dad or doesn’t know how to handle her, but that’s not the case.
I just have much more experience with her meltdowns and am trying to give him advice so he can handle her meltdowns better. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. He loves me and loves our kids and is a great man. How can I help him understand her diagnosis better and help him to be more confident in helping her regulate without the frustration and drama that ensues anytime I try to help? -- Overstimulated
( Read more... )
Over the years, I had suggested she was autistic to my husband several times, and his responses were things like, “She’s just a little bit behind” and ‚”She’s just stubborn and hot-headed like her daddy.”
My concerns were always brushed off. However, he could no longer use those excuses when last year her classroom had to be evacuated due to her throwing furniture during one of her meltdowns.
Even during the evaluations, he seemed confident that she wouldn’t be diagnosed with autism, and when she was, he seemed to not take it well.
Due to her growing in both age and strength, I have needed additional help with her. I am a stay-at-home mom of three, and when she has bad days, it has been increasingly difficult for me.
My husband has been working fewer hours lately and has hired a care worker to help me on the days when he is working, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Since he’s been around more, he has been witnessing the meltdowns that I have been telling him about for years, and unfortunately he has not been handling them well.
Since her diagnosis, I have attended parent training and have been doing what has been advised to me. I am patient with her and help her regulate her emotions when she is not able to self-regulate.
He gets easily frustrated, yelling at her to “just stop,” or sometimes he tries to distract her with hugs or tickles (something that makes her meltdowns worse, as she doesn’t like to be touched in those moments).
When I try to explain to him that those things don’t work and she can’t “just stop,” then he turns his frustration toward me. He thinks that I believe he is not a good dad or doesn’t know how to handle her, but that’s not the case.
I just have much more experience with her meltdowns and am trying to give him advice so he can handle her meltdowns better. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. He loves me and loves our kids and is a great man. How can I help him understand her diagnosis better and help him to be more confident in helping her regulate without the frustration and drama that ensues anytime I try to help? -- Overstimulated
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swingandswirlQ: We are a secular family, burdened by a history of one parent having suffered abuse as a child in the name of being a good “religious” family. Our 4-year-old is at a private preschool that is supposed to be secular, but my kid keeps coming home with lessons from a new teacher about a specific religion, including some teachings that are antithetical to our values (e.g., valuing boys more than girls). I’ve tried to coach my kid to say things like “I know you believe that, but not everyone believes that” and “Can we talk about something else?” but I’m not sure that’s working — this is a 4-year-old, after all. They’re not really able to redirect a teacher’s intended lesson and also not the best at distinguishing between believing a teacher on something like how plants grow or the importance of sharing vs. religious teachings. Child care is scarce and we loved this place before this started. What are we supposed to do?
( Usually it's Amy or Prudence with the bad takes, but this one from Megan Leahy is a doozy. )
( Usually it's Amy or Prudence with the bad takes, but this one from Megan Leahy is a doozy. )
swingandswirlY'all, what even is this.
Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Oct. 11, 2009.
Dear Carolyn: My husband’s ex just had a baby, making me one of few stepmothers who get to start from scratch. Because of this rare opportunity, I would like to hope we have a chance at a relationship most stepchildren don’t have with their stepparents. I would like the baby to call me “Mom” instead of “Kelly” and to view me as a third parent, not an interloper.
However, the current custody arrangement is tilted severely in the ex’s favor because she is breastfeeding. I think I will lose this special opportunity if we don’t get to spend any time with the baby till she’s a toddler. Should I urge my husband to petition for split custody?
— Anonymous
(no subject)
Jul. 17th, 2023 08:34 pmceretaDear Care and Feeding,
I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?
—Working Mom
Dear WM,
I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)
Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.
—Michelle
I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?
—Working Mom
Dear WM,
I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)
Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.
—Michelle
One column, two sets of bad parents
Jun. 4th, 2023 09:58 amconuly1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have three kids: two girls and a boy. My oldest daughter is my biological daughter and our younger two are adopted. My oldest, “Annie,” was 3 years old when we adopted her sister and 6 when we adopted her brother. When Annie was 2, we took her to Disneyland. All three kids have been to Disney World, but only Annie has been to DL. My other daughter is turning 10 this year and my son has been having some medical problems, so we’d like to take the two of them on a fun trip for their birthdays. We would take them during the offseason (fall) to save money.
If I took Annie, it would cost more, and since Annie is in middle school it would be a lot more work to make up. Is it okay to leave Annie behind since she’s already been? I know life isn’t supposed to be fair, but it seems weird to leave a kid behind, even if it’s only for a long weekend. Thoughts?
—Three Kids, One Vacation
( Read more... )
**********
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I am devastated to discover that my kids feel uncomfortable being around me when I am stressed out. I have a nervous personality and like all moms, I worry. I recently overheard two of my kids (13F and 16M) talking about me, and I was shocked by what I heard. The kids were saying that they can’t be around me when I’m in an anxious mood. They claimed that when I’m in that state, I “act intensely upset like someone experiencing something catastrophic,” I “seem like I’m about to snap,” I “act like a tsunami is coming when we’re out of milk.” My daughter said that she is uncomfortable to be around me when I’m nervous because it rubs off on her and makes her feel afraid and my son, who is the oldest child, said that he realized “in elementary school” that he has to solve his problems on his own so that he didn’t “set me off.”
This is how I’ve always been, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not a good pretender. If I feel something, there’s no hiding it. I am deeply hurt that my kids choose to believe that they have to walk on eggshells around me, but this is who I am. Even though I want my kids to feel happy around me, it feels unfair that my kids expect me to change myself so drastically for their comfort. I would never ask the same of them. Do I really just have to stuff down my feelings to please my kids?
—Too Many Feels
( Read more... )
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/disney-trip-care-and-feeding.html
I have three kids: two girls and a boy. My oldest daughter is my biological daughter and our younger two are adopted. My oldest, “Annie,” was 3 years old when we adopted her sister and 6 when we adopted her brother. When Annie was 2, we took her to Disneyland. All three kids have been to Disney World, but only Annie has been to DL. My other daughter is turning 10 this year and my son has been having some medical problems, so we’d like to take the two of them on a fun trip for their birthdays. We would take them during the offseason (fall) to save money.
If I took Annie, it would cost more, and since Annie is in middle school it would be a lot more work to make up. Is it okay to leave Annie behind since she’s already been? I know life isn’t supposed to be fair, but it seems weird to leave a kid behind, even if it’s only for a long weekend. Thoughts?
—Three Kids, One Vacation
( Read more... )
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I am devastated to discover that my kids feel uncomfortable being around me when I am stressed out. I have a nervous personality and like all moms, I worry. I recently overheard two of my kids (13F and 16M) talking about me, and I was shocked by what I heard. The kids were saying that they can’t be around me when I’m in an anxious mood. They claimed that when I’m in that state, I “act intensely upset like someone experiencing something catastrophic,” I “seem like I’m about to snap,” I “act like a tsunami is coming when we’re out of milk.” My daughter said that she is uncomfortable to be around me when I’m nervous because it rubs off on her and makes her feel afraid and my son, who is the oldest child, said that he realized “in elementary school” that he has to solve his problems on his own so that he didn’t “set me off.”
This is how I’ve always been, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not a good pretender. If I feel something, there’s no hiding it. I am deeply hurt that my kids choose to believe that they have to walk on eggshells around me, but this is who I am. Even though I want my kids to feel happy around me, it feels unfair that my kids expect me to change myself so drastically for their comfort. I would never ask the same of them. Do I really just have to stuff down my feelings to please my kids?
—Too Many Feels
( Read more... )
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/disney-trip-care-and-feeding.html
Welp, Doyin's gonna Doyin, I guess
Mar. 24th, 2023 03:07 pmconulyDear Care and Feeding,
I have a low stakes question: My 2-year-old daughter called me a “poo head” the other day. I was distraught; she was bubbling over with glee. I put on my best mischievous grin and responded that SHE was the poo head. She laughed a lot, said I was the poo head and it continued. I was honestly having fun. I looked over to find my partner (her Dad) looking somewhat exasperated. I asked him what was up. He said we’re not supposed to go along with it, that name calling is a thing, and that it probably shouldn’t be a game. I said I think it’s OK, it’s clear we’re having fun and if she was trying to be mean or trying to hurt me, or if it hurt another child, my response would be different. He shrugged, he thinks she’s too young to get different contexts and that I’m “making a rod for my own back” later down the line. I really wasn’t sure… do you think this will come back to bite me?
—Poo Head
( She's two. She'll grow out of it )
I have a low stakes question: My 2-year-old daughter called me a “poo head” the other day. I was distraught; she was bubbling over with glee. I put on my best mischievous grin and responded that SHE was the poo head. She laughed a lot, said I was the poo head and it continued. I was honestly having fun. I looked over to find my partner (her Dad) looking somewhat exasperated. I asked him what was up. He said we’re not supposed to go along with it, that name calling is a thing, and that it probably shouldn’t be a game. I said I think it’s OK, it’s clear we’re having fun and if she was trying to be mean or trying to hurt me, or if it hurt another child, my response would be different. He shrugged, he thinks she’s too young to get different contexts and that I’m “making a rod for my own back” later down the line. I really wasn’t sure… do you think this will come back to bite me?
—Poo Head
( She's two. She'll grow out of it )
(no subject)
Mar. 20th, 2023 02:47 amconulyDear Care and Feeding,
I need some help navigating a situation in my blended family. My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.
The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June. Each student only gets five tickets. My stepdaughter wants her tickets to go to her mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and father. I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony. To her credit, my stepdaughter called me herself to explain the situation, but the conversation went sideways. I was taken aback when she said that she wanted the people closest to her at the ceremony. I do not think it is fair that I am being treated as less than her stepfather or grandmother. I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect. She became distraught and ended the phone call.
I have proposed a number of solutions to my husband: both her stepfather and I can refrain from going; her grandmother could take a step back and allow the parents and stepparents to attend together; my younger stepdaughter could skip the ceremony and join us afterwards. My husband is reluctant to push the issue and has asked me not to make him choose. My stepdaughter is hoping to procure a ticket that one of her classmates will not have use for, but I’m not sure how to proceed if she can’t get an extra ticket. I want to preserve the relationships going forward, but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.
— Graduation Blues
( Read more... )
I need some help navigating a situation in my blended family. My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.
The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June. Each student only gets five tickets. My stepdaughter wants her tickets to go to her mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and father. I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony. To her credit, my stepdaughter called me herself to explain the situation, but the conversation went sideways. I was taken aback when she said that she wanted the people closest to her at the ceremony. I do not think it is fair that I am being treated as less than her stepfather or grandmother. I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect. She became distraught and ended the phone call.
I have proposed a number of solutions to my husband: both her stepfather and I can refrain from going; her grandmother could take a step back and allow the parents and stepparents to attend together; my younger stepdaughter could skip the ceremony and join us afterwards. My husband is reluctant to push the issue and has asked me not to make him choose. My stepdaughter is hoping to procure a ticket that one of her classmates will not have use for, but I’m not sure how to proceed if she can’t get an extra ticket. I want to preserve the relationships going forward, but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.
— Graduation Blues
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Mar. 19th, 2023 04:23 pmconulyDear Therapist,
When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.
We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.
Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?
My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.
Thank you for any advice you have to offer.
Anonymous
( Read more... )
When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.
We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.
Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?
My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.
Thank you for any advice you have to offer.
Anonymous
( Read more... )
petrea_mitchellDear Lizzy,
I’m thinking of giving my unsolicited opinion to a stranger. Should I do it?
Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
No. You shouldn’t. Unless someone’s safety is in question, keep it to yourself and move along.
I have a confession: This question was submitted over the weekend by my husband, while we were on vacation, immediately after a person gave us several opinions on things that were unwelcome and weird.
( CW: fatphobia )
I’m thinking of giving my unsolicited opinion to a stranger. Should I do it?
Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
No. You shouldn’t. Unless someone’s safety is in question, keep it to yourself and move along.
I have a confession: This question was submitted over the weekend by my husband, while we were on vacation, immediately after a person gave us several opinions on things that were unwelcome and weird.
( CW: fatphobia )
ermingardenI have raised two sons without financial help from their father and recently put the oldest through college. He is now 23 and is working a minimum-wage job. He finds it tedious, but he’s stuck with it while he looks for better opportunities.
He lives at home, and I don’t charge him for anything, even though his food, cellphone, car insurance and car-maintenance expenses all add up to substantial sums. I figure he needs to save up funds so that he can eventually become independent and move into his own apartment. (He pays for his gas, work lunches and outings with friends.) His younger brother will start college in two months, so I am preparing for another four years of significant expenses. These costs will strain my budget; although I work full time, I will add weekend hours to my schedule.
We live in Los Angeles and frequently witness the sad plight of destitute people living in tents throughout our neighborhood. Recently, my son drove past a homeless woman with two small children and stopped to give her some money. He had no cash and instead got her cellphone number so that he could send her money through a payment app. He gave her $1,000 — nearly half his savings.
( Read more... )
He lives at home, and I don’t charge him for anything, even though his food, cellphone, car insurance and car-maintenance expenses all add up to substantial sums. I figure he needs to save up funds so that he can eventually become independent and move into his own apartment. (He pays for his gas, work lunches and outings with friends.) His younger brother will start college in two months, so I am preparing for another four years of significant expenses. These costs will strain my budget; although I work full time, I will add weekend hours to my schedule.
We live in Los Angeles and frequently witness the sad plight of destitute people living in tents throughout our neighborhood. Recently, my son drove past a homeless woman with two small children and stopped to give her some money. He had no cash and instead got her cellphone number so that he could send her money through a payment app. He gave her $1,000 — nearly half his savings.
( Read more... )
Dear Prudence: Dating With a Kid
Oct. 6th, 2022 11:54 amermingardenDear Prudence,
My ex-wife and I divorced a couple of years ago, and I think we do a good job of co-parenting our middle-school-aged daughter. We each have her half the time, we get along well, and our daughter sees us communicating and co-parenting much better than we did when we were married. My ex-wife has been dating someone and they will soon marry; I like him, and he’s kind to my daughter.
( Read more... )
My ex-wife and I divorced a couple of years ago, and I think we do a good job of co-parenting our middle-school-aged daughter. We each have her half the time, we get along well, and our daughter sees us communicating and co-parenting much better than we did when we were married. My ex-wife has been dating someone and they will soon marry; I like him, and he’s kind to my daughter.
( Read more... )
minoanmiss[content warning, not for this letter but for another. There's a letter on that page which I found very worrying, so be careful.
( Read more... )
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