Agony Aunt

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have an unusual problem and am not sure how (or if) it can be resolved. My husband and I have a 1.5-year-old daughter, “Erin.” My mother has hypersensitive hearing. When I was a kid, I had to keep the TV on so low I needed to sit within 3 feet of it to hear it, and my sister and I had to talk to her in a lower volume than our normal speaking voices. (My parents ended up divorcing when I was 10 because, according to my mother, my dad talked too loudly.) The problem has only worsened as my mother has gotten older. Sounds produced by normal activities bother her, from a microwave beeping to people using utensils while eating to something being cut on a cutting board—even a Ziploc bag being opened within several feet of her.

Recently, my mother was over for a visit and had Erin on her lap. Erin let out a squeal after dropping one of her toys. My mother immediately got up, handed Erin to me, and left our house. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened—she barely came around after Erin was first born because she couldn’t stand the sound of her crying. Later, I received a text from her saying that in order to continue coming over, she needed assurances that Erin wouldn’t do anything else to hurt her ears. I explained that this just wasn’t something I could guarantee or have any control over at this point; babies do sometimes get loud, and Erin is too young to understand the need to protect Grandma’s ears. When I suggested that my mother try some earplugs to reduce the impact of not only any loud noises Erin might make but also any ambient noise in general, she became angry and said she wouldn’t be back until I found a “realistic” solution.

My husband says that my solution is a reasonable one—he’s fed up, and it’s fine with him if my mother wants to stay away. While I want my daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother, I can’t always predict when Erin might do something loud, let alone do anything to prevent it. And I don’t want my mother tearing into her in the future for doing normal kid things, like she did to me and my sister. Erin also isn’t going to be our only child—I’m currently four months pregnant—so it won’t be getting any quieter around here. And like my husband, I’m exhausted with constantly playing a guessing game about which everyday action might hurt my mother’s ears. She expects us to just know, then becomes angry when we do something no normal person would think of as problematic. Last week, she got angry at me for biting into a carrot while I was almost 10 feet away from her.

Over the years, she has shot down suggestions from me and other family members to go to a doctor and see whether anything might remedy this. Is it reasonable to ask her to take some sort of proactive measure (such as wearing earplugs) so others can lead normal lives in her presence, rather than expecting the world—and my 1-year-old—to adapt to her?

—Toddlers Don’t Have a Mute Button

Dear Mute Button,

I’m sympathetic to your mother’s ear condition, which appears to be acutely distressing and would be challenging for anyone to deal with. And when there is something we can actually do to accommodate someone else’s medical issue or need—even if it causes us a little inconvenience or isn’t something we would otherwise do—we should at least make the effort. (It’s a very different thing and not so severe, but one of my kids was often overwhelmed by loud noises when she was little, and I always appreciated it when family members took care to laugh and talk a bit more quietly in her presence.)

But of course you’re right that Erin is too young to take your mother’s hypersensitive hearing into account, and you can’t and don’t want to discourage all her typical toddler sounds (which are essential to her learning, her development, and her ability to communicate with those around her). Given that Erin also has needs that are important, and has behaviors she can’t realistically control at her age, perhaps your mother could think of wearing earplugs or noise-canceling headphones as an accommodation she makes for her very young, occasionally noisy grandchild—one that is actually possible, unlike your keeping a toddler silent for the duration of her visit. When she’s older, Erin may be able to do more to take her grandmother’s condition into account. But right now, your mother is the one who has more capacity to alter her behavior, and while it sounds as if she’s been fairly intransigent on addressing her condition over the years (which I hear is exasperating for you!), there’s no time like the present, and more time with grandkids should be a great motivator.

So, yes, I think your suggestion was a reasonable one, as was the idea of consulting a physician. (If your mother has truly never done so, this may be as much an emotional issue as a physical one.) And again, while I’m sympathetic to your mother’s situation, I don’t think it makes sense for her to take every noise personally or punish others for being unable to be silent at all times—there is simply no way for you to anticipate or prevent every noise that could possibly bother her. When emotions calm down a bit, I hope the two of you are able to discuss what’s challenging as well as what’s realistic and find a way for her to spend time with her grandchild(ren) without experiencing so much discomfort or demanding the impossible.

Link.

Dear Prudence,

How can I coexist with my dad more peacefully? For context, I’m a teenager living in my parents’ home while attending university. Generally, I love my life and feel very grateful for all the opportunities they’ve given me, but my relationship with my father erodes the longer we are together. He is completely opposed to me on all political and social issues and constantly makes racist/homophobic jokes in my presence. He lacks empathy for others and criticizes everyone he can’t personally relate to—fat people, trans people, you name it. Honestly, I consider it a good day when we exchange less than 50 words.

It came to a head today when he asked if I was attending a dinner with their old friends. I said no, and he got annoyed. He said I was rude for not wanting to “see people who want to see me” and that “kids these days only care about their friends.” (I only have a couple of close friends, and they both live really far away, but they know me better than most of my family, so I try to make time to call them a lot.) I replied that I would go if he really wanted me to, which only made him angrier. He said that he was allowed to have an opinion and that I shouldn’t go just to appease him, but it was clear that he was trying to guilt-trip me, as he has done in similar situations for pretty much my whole life. I love my dad, but I really don’t like him. Help, please!

—War of the Worlds

Dear War of the Worlds,

Even the healthiest parent-child relationships will feel totally infuriating during one’s teen years, and being a university student while living with your parents is bound to bring up a next-level clash of values, not to mention their feelings about your growing independence. Your dad is grappling with the fact that you’re now capable of not only choosing how to spend your time, but also what beliefs to hold, which sound hugely different from his. I think he feels challenged and intimidated by the fact that you’re now a young adult, and he’s trying to regain a sense of control by judging your behavior and waiting for you to magically read his mind RE: choosing to attend the dinner with his friends.

It’s hard for a parent to accept that their child no longer really wants to spend time with them voluntarily. I wonder if it will help to disarm his need to affirm his role as Dad Knows Best by reassuring him a little. Is it possible to identify one activity (maybe a Friday morning coffee run?) or tradition (cooking your favorite meal together) that doesn’t require much conversation, but still allows you to show your dad that you’re interested in connecting? Frame your request in a way that makes it sound like he’s doing something for you. “I’d really love to pick up groceries tomorrow to make that dish you taught me, will you please come with me so I won’t forget anything?” If he steers into political/social commentary territory, gently set a boundary: “Dad, you know we could fight about this forever, let’s just get these vegetables chopped, OK?” I think if you can reassure your dad about his role in your life, it’ll make him much more relaxed and less defensive, and you guys may even find a topic or two that’s safe for everyone to discuss. It won’t feel fun for you at first, but think of it as your inaugural step toward becoming an adult who takes care of family, and not just the kid who’s always being taken care of.

—Delia

Link.

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together three years and live separately. He lost his wife six years ago and his children have not accepted any of his new romantic relationships. They are 23, 20, and 16. I actually worked with his eldest on a volunteer project, only for her to turn so nasty and hostile when she found out that I had dinner with her father that the coordinator had to keep us on separate schedules. It was bizarre. At that point, I would have considered us friendly.

My partner is a kind, loving man. He put his kids in therapy after he lost his wife, but the older two stopped going after they got older. He has assured his kids that he always will love their mother and would never try to replace her, but he doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. It hasn’t made a dent. I love him and wasn’t expecting it to be all sunshine and roses, but the kids refuse to warm up to me. Getting them to be civil is like pulling teeth. I hit my limit when his 16-year-old son took job that was out of town. He doesn’t drive and no one could pick him up after his shifts. It was, however, on my commute. I stupidly volunteered to pick him up.

What I got for my help was a sullen lump that refused to even make small talk about the weather. Then one time, I was about a half hour late due to traffic, my phone had died, and I forgot my charger. When I pulled up, he wasn’t there. He had gotten a ride with his manager. I drove to the house and knocked on the door to make sure he was okay. I apologized and he called me a bitch and slammed the door in my face. When I got home, I texted my partner about what happened and to consider my chauffeuring services over. We ended up getting in a fight because he seemed to think that forcing an apology out of his son was good enough. I told him that I am sorry his kids are still grieving but it wasn’t an excuse for them to treat me this way. We been on a break ever since.

His son lost his job because there was no one to pick him up. The other two have made social media posts making pretty open remarks blaming me. My partner has texted about how much he loves and misses me. He wants to marry me. My heart is aching. I truly love him. Is there any hope?

—Not Even a Stepmother

Dear Not Even,

Yes, but okay, I’m going to be real with you. You need to take some responsibility for the chauffeuring incident. You can’t really fault a teenager for not enthusiastically talking to you or being effusively grateful for the favor; teens literally treat the experience of being in a car with anyone who isn’t their friend like it’s the worst torture that humankind has ever endured. Your expectations on that front were too high, yes, but you also need to admit that you did kind of let him down by being late, even if it was due to forces beyond your control. A teenager (who’s still in mourning) does not have the neurons to be forgivably empathetic about that: All he knows is that you didn’t show up when you said you would, which probably triggered a deep-rooted fear that doesn’t not have to do with his mother’s death.

Of course he got a different ride. Then, when you confronted him, he became justifiably angry and reacted as much. You need to apologize to your partner’s son for not picking him up on time, full stop. (Be prepared to receive, best case scenario, a grunt in acknowledgement.) Then you need to make it clear to your partner that you do not appreciate name-calling, and would like him to communicate that to all of his kids. You need him to understand that you want a basic degree of respect, but he also needs you to understand that these are his kids, and they’re going to come first. The oldest two are adults and should be held to higher expectations; but the 16-year-old should get more leniency. It’s in adolescent wiring to say some ghastly shit to one’s own biological parents on the regular; you’re even more of a stranger to him, and you have to build up a little tolerance for him to teenage it out.

Source.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Twenty-four years ago, I cheated on my husband when we were going through a rough patch in our marriage. It was brief; I ultimately broke it off and reconciled with my husband. Not long after, I realized I was pregnant. My husband forgave me and said it didn’t matter who the baby’s father was. When I had my daughter, “Marigold,” we decided never to say anything to her or our other two kids, who were 3 and 5 at the time.

This Christmas, my older daughter gave Marigold and her brother each one of those AncestryDNA testing kits as gifts. My husband passed away two years ago, and he was the only father Marigold has ever known; my older children have never learned about the affair.

I am at a crossroads here: I honestly have no idea whether Marigold’s biological father was my husband or the man I had an affair with. If I keep quiet and the test shows that my husband wasn’t Marigold’s father, it will send shock waves through the family, but if I tell Marigold about my affair and it turns out my husband was her father after all, I’m afraid it will tear the family apart all the same. Do I say nothing and keep my fingers crossed that the test will show that my husband was Marigold’s father, or should I tell her the truth before the kids get their results back? Please help!

—Regretting My Past

Dear Regretting,

I understand your dilemma—what a tense moment around the tree that must have been for you!—but I assure you there is no possible justification for saying anything to your kids, unless the DNA test shows that your husband wasn’t Marigold’s biological father. No good can come from telling them about this complicated chapter in your marriage if you don’t have to. While his willingness to raise her was a testament to his commitment to you, there’s no need for Marigold to know that her father never knew for sure if she was his biological child. If you need to talk to someone while you wait in agony for the results, pick one of your friends. Hopefully, you’ll be able to let sleeping dogs lie.

If the test reveals that Marigold has another father, you’ll need to be fully transparent with her and her siblings about the past. Be sure that they know that your husband willingly made the decision to stay in your marriage and love Marigold as his own. Apologize to them for the pain you’ve caused. Be honest about the challenges in your relationship that led to your infidelity; do not attempt to sanitize your husband’s part in the estrangement in the telling of this story. Support Marigold if she chooses to seek out your affair partner, and brace yourself for how he might react if he didn’t know that he may have fathered your child. If things go this way, it will be tumultuous, to say the least, but I believe that with patience and love, your family will make it through.

—Jamilah

Dear Amy: I am an older woman who fell in love with a man 17 years younger than me. I love this man with everything I have. We met about five years ago at my home during Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately for us, his brother is married to my daughter.

I have practically raised their daughter from infancy; she’s going into second grade this year. When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, my son-in-law decided he would punish me by keeping my granddaughter away from me. (She was 4 at the time.)

The pressure and pain I endured was overwhelming and I broke up with the first man I've ever loved, who I was completely comfortable with, in order to spend time with my granddaughter.

Then, last year, my guy and I reunited. I love him more every day, but the same thing happened again — my granddaughter wasn’t allowed to come to my home anymore and my son-in-law treats me like dirt. So we broke up again because the pain is almost unbearable for both of us.

I would like your thoughts on this, please, because I need help. I don’t want to live a miserable life without the love of my life.

— Heartbroken

Heartbroken: I’m going to take it as a given that your partner doesn’t present any risks to your granddaughter, and that your son-in-law’s treatment of you is a reflection of the rage he feels at his perception that you are encroaching upon his family.

Nowhere here do you mention your daughter, who is married to this controlling and abusive man. He is managing to control the lives of four people: his wife, his brother, you, and your granddaughter. Perhaps it’s time that someone stood up to him.

You can’t stand up to him if your heart is aching and breaking, and so you will have to train yourself to withstand the consequent separation. It might help if you see your own choice as sending a strong message to both your daughter and granddaughter: “I won’t let him control me.”

Live your life. A counselor could help you and your partner to navigate the anxiety you feel. You should also consult with a lawyer. In my state, grandparents can file a legal petition for visitation.

Dear Carolyn: I have decided to give a sizable cash gift to each of my children and their spouses each year. My son and daughter-in-law have already told me what they are going to spend the money on: doing house repairs, paying off their car, etc.

My concern is with my daughter and her new husband. They are both teachers in their late 30s. He has a history of overspending (apparently it runs in his family). He had a lot of debt when they met and my daughter helped him navigate paying down loans and credit cards. She has shared all of this with me. She said he still likes to spend on frivolous things.

They are expecting. I was unhappily surprised when I asked about summer plans and they are just taking it easy with no plans to earn extra money. I don’t want to attach any strings to this money, but I cannot stop thinking about him using it unwisely. What do you think about my asking my daughter how they plan to use the money? Or should I just get over it and let them handle it?

— Concerned

Concerned: There are lots of options between butting into their business or enabling their business. You could give them (some of) the money in a trust, for example, to both couples, to avoid a judgy look. Or you could set up an education savings account, one you control, for your coming grandchild. These may seem like “strings,” but they are darn generous ones, and they are smart.

I like this one the best: Since your daughter shared his history with you, you can talk to her about what she would prefer. Not in a controlly, “tsk at your unwise spending” way, but in a way that acknowledges a reality that your daughter has managed responsibly and trusted you enough to share.

Tell her you are mindful of how hard she and her husband have worked on excess spending and debt, and therefore want her input on this gift. Specifically, say you want to avoid putting her in a bad spot with a windfall, but you also want avoid interfering or attaching strings. Encourage her to give it some thought and come back to you with ideas, and offer her some starter ideas as well. An education account for the baby? A trust that pays out over time?

The main element of finding the “right” answer here, whatever it turns out to be, is not the money or the spending or the husband. It is your relationship with your daughter. If it is a good one, if she has shared her financial circumstances with you freely, in the spirit of openness and in trusting search of support, then you are in a position to say credibly that you are asking for her input on her behalf.

Because that is what it would be. Handing an addict a huge dose of a problematic substance has given us a rich library of outcomes to learn from. Giving your daughter a chance to act on the experiences of others instead of gaining her own the hard way is itself a sizable gift.

Dear Carolyn: My mom refuses to acknowledge the upside of her marriage to my dad. He was not the best husband or father, I’ll be the first to admit that. He was wrapped up in his work and left everything else to her.

But now that I’ve entered the same branch of science he was in, I get it. It had to be that way for him to make the breakthroughs he did.

My mom divorced him two years ago, and he hasn’t really gotten over it. He asks me when I see him whether she misses him, and I don’t know what to say. I’m not saying she can’t be happy, but she makes it all too clear that she doesn’t miss him and talks endlessly about this guy she’s dating like he’s Mr. Wonderful.

I know my dad can’t see it, but it’s kind of sickening that my sister and I can, though my sister says my mom is entitled to be happy. I’m not saying she isn’t, but tone it down a little, you know?

I tried talking to her about it, presenting the good of her 23-year marriage, saying she played a part in my father’s work; she enabled him to do that research and write those papers, and she can be happy and proud of that. She said that, because of her children, she wasn’t sorry she married my dad, but that she wasn’t sorry she divorced him, either. It’s like she didn’t even listen to me. So frustrating.

Should I try another way to get through to her or just let it go?

— Frustrated

Frustrated: Here are some things to say when your dad asks you whether your mom misses him:

· I am sorry you are hurting. Asking me to be your go-between will not make things better and is not fair to me.

· Please stop trying to put me in the middle.

· You will have to ask her that yourself.

· I am not your carrier pigeon.

· Dad, stop. (Change subject.)

· Dad, stop.

Here is why I opened my answer that way:

The things you are looking for are not yours to have. Your mother’s feelings about your dad and her former marriage are entirely her own to have. It’s not appropriate to try to influence her feelings to make yourself feel better. She “didn’t even listen to me” because you crossed into subjects that were very distinctly not your business.

It’s easy to see how you might believe they are your business. Your parents’ divorce obviously affected you in all kinds of ways. But if you try to make sense of what happened and how you feel about it without clear, logical boundaries in place, then you’re going to end up frustrated and confused.

So draw lines where they belong. Your feelings are your business, your dad’s are your dad’s, your mom’s are your mom’s, and your sister’s are your sister’s. How you interact with your dad is your business. How you interact with your mom is your business. How your mom and dad interact with each other is not your business. How your mom interacts with her new love interest is not your business, unless and until it crosses some kind of line in your presence. If you’re uncomfortable around them, then it is your place to speak up and/or leave the room.

Gaining new perspective on your dad from a career angle is interesting and valuable, but it doesn’t redraw any of those lines or make your mom retroactively any less lonely.

It may seem complicated, but it’s actually a simple system for navigating human complexity. You do you. That’s it. As well as you can.

Dear Carolyn: My son is engaged to a woman I don’t know very well. He asked whether I wanted to contribute to the wedding. I said no — I paid for a third of his college, per our divorce decree, and feel adults old enough to be married are old enough to pay for their own weddings.

Last weekend, his fiancee’s parents, also divorced, hosted a dinner so all the parents could meet. They discussed having a rehearsal dinner, a wedding, and a brunch the following day. Parents are paying for most or all of this.

I am bothered by a few things. To start, I thought a wedding was meant to be a few hours, not a few days. I also feel my ex’s new wife is assuming a role as mother of the groom, calling all the shots for the rehearsal dinner. It was also clear she socializes with my son’s fiancee. Her children are in the wedding party, and I overheard people calling them the groom’s brother and sister. The fiancee and her parents have a much warmer relationship with my ex. If they knew his infidelity broke our marriage, I wonder what they would think of him.

I do wish the couple all the luck in the world, but I dread the wedding. How do I deal with these unsettled feelings?

— Bothered

Bothered: Everything you named is a byproduct, at this point, of holding yourself (or your money) apart from the action.

That means you can change it. But it also means ditching all the “should” before you poison yourself with the anger you hold for your ex, and watch your son’s joy pass you by.

The first “should” to go: "[M]eant to be a few hours.” A wedding is what the couple wants and can finance. Mentally repeat till it sticks: “I am so happy for them.” Plus, couples often want to provide more than “a few hours” of hospitality for out-of-town guests.

Next: Old enough to marry/pay. Great! Absolutely valid opinion, so by all means do live by it. Or pivot and pitch in. Others can live by their different, also valid opinions. Your son apparently took your “no” for an answer graciously. Great stuff.

Next: The fiancee and your ex’s new wife. That stings for you, no doubt — but it’s great for the couple. Warmth is good. So now you have a choice — remain stung or bring more warmth. “Luck” is so arm’s-length.

Next: The infidelity grudge. It was awful, I’m sorry, and broke up your family. It also isn’t binding on these other families. They’re meeting you all in this moment, free to make their own judgments and connections. A clean(er) slate could serve you, too.

Feeding your sense of what “should” happen keeps you out of step with what’s actually happening. Please give yourself a hard shake, like an Etch A Sketch, and try approaching this wedding clean.

Readers’ thoughts:

· My mom was cash-strapped and very self-conscious, so I didn’t ask for any money. Instead I asked her to help me find a dress. Answer: no. I asked her to help me decide on flowers. Answer: no. She spent most of the reception sitting apart on the patio. It’s a sad memory. I wanted her to be part of the day, but her guilt over not being able to contribute financially made her feel undeserving.

· I might suggest therapy. It sounds as if you’re dealing with a lot of unresolved anger and a sense of betrayal over the end of your marriage, understandably.