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[personal profile] conuly
Dear Care and Feeding,

I have never had an easy relationship with my mother-in-law. She is an Orthodox Jew and I come from the Bible Belt. She initially told my future husband that he wasn’t allowed to date me and later, when it became clear he wasn’t going to abide by her dictate, she took me aside and explained that marriage wasn’t possible between us because any future children wouldn’t be considered Jewish as it passes down the maternal line and that within the Orthodox tradition, conversion was viewed with skepticism. For good measure, she added that she couldn’t bear coming to her son’s home and seeing a Christmas tree. When we married, she basically hijacked our wedding plans to ensure it didn’t offend anyone she knew. We had little say in the wedding plans—not even the wedding date.

Fast forward a few years: Things have only improved slightly. I have gone above and beyond to try and ingratiate myself with my in-laws. When our kids were toddlers, I invited them over for Christmas and pulled out all the stops (they routinely spent Christmas at the home of Christian friends). I decorated the house to the hilt, made every dish from scratch for Christmas lunch, and was as gracious as any Southern belle could be. On her way out the door, my mother-in-law declared, “It was all too much, too much. Never again!” I shut the door and burst into tears.
In the intervening years, my in-laws have had a relatively cordial relationship with me and our children. Their preference for their other granddaughter (my sister-in-law married a Jewish man) is clear to both me and my daughters. Despite living just 20 minutes away, we probably only see them four or five times a year. My in-laws seemed much more content taking multiple cruises throughout the year than building a relationship with our kids. I think all parties were more or less fine with that, although I was genuinely sad that our daughters would never have the wonderful, life-enriching relationships I enjoyed with my grandparents.

Then the inevitable happened: My mother-in-law fell and broke her hip. She’s now in a nursing home for her post-op rehab, but the expectation is that we visit as often as possible. Beyond that, it’s clear that the future is bleak, especially as my MIL is reluctant to participate in the most basic physical therapy. Already, my husband is expected to take my father-in-law to medical appointments since my mother-in-law can’t accompany him. I’ve asked my husband what our future relationship with his parents will look like, but even he knows he’s the “bad son,” so he is now expected to prove himself. I don’t know how to support him, how to guide our (now early teen) daughters through this, and I’m grappling with my own feelings of resentment toward my MIL and wanting to support my husband, whose own feelings are mixed. Any advice would be welcome.

—Bible Belt Shiksa


Read more... )
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[personal profile] conuly
1. DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my daughter went "no contact" with both sides of our family -- grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, as well as cousins. Since then, I have been struggling with how I should answer acquaintances who ask, "How is she doing?" as well as those who ask, "Do you have children?"

I have been told by friends and family that I should tell the acquaintances that I don't know why because she doesn't speak to the family. However, I have found this response leads to more uncomfortable questions. I am embarrassed to have to tell people "Yes, but she does not speak to us" -- and worse, try to answer "Why?" Lately, I have been telling people, "No, we don't have children" so I won't have to explain.

Can you advise me how I can answer these questions without explanations, embarrassment or lies? -- FORMER PARENT IN WASHINGTON


Read more... )

*****


2. DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.

I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).

I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like "Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you." Was I wrong? -- NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA


Read more... )
cereta: Barbara Gordon, facepalming (babsoy)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Care and Feeding,

I have an unusual problem and am not sure how (or if) it can be resolved. My husband and I have a 1.5-year-old daughter, “Erin.” My mother has hypersensitive hearing. When I was a kid, I had to keep the TV on so low I needed to sit within 3 feet of it to hear it, and my sister and I had to talk to her in a lower volume than our normal speaking voices. (My parents ended up divorcing when I was 10 because, according to my mother, my dad talked too loudly.) The problem has only worsened as my mother has gotten older. Sounds produced by normal activities bother her, from a microwave beeping to people using utensils while eating to something being cut on a cutting board—even a Ziploc bag being opened within several feet of her.

Recently, my mother was over for a visit and had Erin on her lap. Erin let out a squeal after dropping one of her toys. My mother immediately got up, handed Erin to me, and left our house. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened—she barely came around after Erin was first born because she couldn’t stand the sound of her crying. Later, I received a text from her saying that in order to continue coming over, she needed assurances that Erin wouldn’t do anything else to hurt her ears. I explained that this just wasn’t something I could guarantee or have any control over at this point; babies do sometimes get loud, and Erin is too young to understand the need to protect Grandma’s ears. When I suggested that my mother try some earplugs to reduce the impact of not only any loud noises Erin might make but also any ambient noise in general, she became angry and said she wouldn’t be back until I found a “realistic” solution.

My husband says that my solution is a reasonable one—he’s fed up, and it’s fine with him if my mother wants to stay away. While I want my daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother, I can’t always predict when Erin might do something loud, let alone do anything to prevent it. And I don’t want my mother tearing into her in the future for doing normal kid things, like she did to me and my sister. Erin also isn’t going to be our only child—I’m currently four months pregnant—so it won’t be getting any quieter around here. And like my husband, I’m exhausted with constantly playing a guessing game about which everyday action might hurt my mother’s ears. She expects us to just know, then becomes angry when we do something no normal person would think of as problematic. Last week, she got angry at me for biting into a carrot while I was almost 10 feet away from her.

Over the years, she has shot down suggestions from me and other family members to go to a doctor and see whether anything might remedy this. Is it reasonable to ask her to take some sort of proactive measure (such as wearing earplugs) so others can lead normal lives in her presence, rather than expecting the world—and my 1-year-old—to adapt to her?

—Toddlers Don’t Have a Mute Button

Dear Mute Button,

I’m sympathetic to your mother’s ear condition, which appears to be acutely distressing and would be challenging for anyone to deal with. And when there is something we can actually do to accommodate someone else’s medical issue or need—even if it causes us a little inconvenience or isn’t something we would otherwise do—we should at least make the effort. (It’s a very different thing and not so severe, but one of my kids was often overwhelmed by loud noises when she was little, and I always appreciated it when family members took care to laugh and talk a bit more quietly in her presence.)

But of course you’re right that Erin is too young to take your mother’s hypersensitive hearing into account, and you can’t and don’t want to discourage all her typical toddler sounds (which are essential to her learning, her development, and her ability to communicate with those around her). Given that Erin also has needs that are important, and has behaviors she can’t realistically control at her age, perhaps your mother could think of wearing earplugs or noise-canceling headphones as an accommodation she makes for her very young, occasionally noisy grandchild—one that is actually possible, unlike your keeping a toddler silent for the duration of her visit. When she’s older, Erin may be able to do more to take her grandmother’s condition into account. But right now, your mother is the one who has more capacity to alter her behavior, and while it sounds as if she’s been fairly intransigent on addressing her condition over the years (which I hear is exasperating for you!), there’s no time like the present, and more time with grandkids should be a great motivator.

So, yes, I think your suggestion was a reasonable one, as was the idea of consulting a physician. (If your mother has truly never done so, this may be as much an emotional issue as a physical one.) And again, while I’m sympathetic to your mother’s situation, I don’t think it makes sense for her to take every noise personally or punish others for being unable to be silent at all times—there is simply no way for you to anticipate or prevent every noise that could possibly bother her. When emotions calm down a bit, I hope the two of you are able to discuss what’s challenging as well as what’s realistic and find a way for her to spend time with her grandchild(ren) without experiencing so much discomfort or demanding the impossible.
cereta: Barbara Gordon, facepalming (babsoy)
[personal profile] cereta
Link.

Dear Prudence,

How can I coexist with my dad more peacefully? For context, I’m a teenager living in my parents’ home while attending university. Generally, I love my life and feel very grateful for all the opportunities they’ve given me, but my relationship with my father erodes the longer we are together. He is completely opposed to me on all political and social issues and constantly makes racist/homophobic jokes in my presence. He lacks empathy for others and criticizes everyone he can’t personally relate to—fat people, trans people, you name it. Honestly, I consider it a good day when we exchange less than 50 words.

It came to a head today when he asked if I was attending a dinner with their old friends. I said no, and he got annoyed. He said I was rude for not wanting to “see people who want to see me” and that “kids these days only care about their friends.” (I only have a couple of close friends, and they both live really far away, but they know me better than most of my family, so I try to make time to call them a lot.) I replied that I would go if he really wanted me to, which only made him angrier. He said that he was allowed to have an opinion and that I shouldn’t go just to appease him, but it was clear that he was trying to guilt-trip me, as he has done in similar situations for pretty much my whole life. I love my dad, but I really don’t like him. Help, please!

—War of the Worlds

Dear War of the Worlds,

Even the healthiest parent-child relationships will feel totally infuriating during one’s teen years, and being a university student while living with your parents is bound to bring up a next-level clash of values, not to mention their feelings about your growing independence. Your dad is grappling with the fact that you’re now capable of not only choosing how to spend your time, but also what beliefs to hold, which sound hugely different from his. I think he feels challenged and intimidated by the fact that you’re now a young adult, and he’s trying to regain a sense of control by judging your behavior and waiting for you to magically read his mind RE: choosing to attend the dinner with his friends.

It’s hard for a parent to accept that their child no longer really wants to spend time with them voluntarily. I wonder if it will help to disarm his need to affirm his role as Dad Knows Best by reassuring him a little. Is it possible to identify one activity (maybe a Friday morning coffee run?) or tradition (cooking your favorite meal together) that doesn’t require much conversation, but still allows you to show your dad that you’re interested in connecting? Frame your request in a way that makes it sound like he’s doing something for you. “I’d really love to pick up groceries tomorrow to make that dish you taught me, will you please come with me so I won’t forget anything?” If he steers into political/social commentary territory, gently set a boundary: “Dad, you know we could fight about this forever, let’s just get these vegetables chopped, OK?” I think if you can reassure your dad about his role in your life, it’ll make him much more relaxed and less defensive, and you guys may even find a topic or two that’s safe for everyone to discuss. It won’t feel fun for you at first, but think of it as your inaugural step toward becoming an adult who takes care of family, and not just the kid who’s always being taken care of.

—Delia
cereta: Cartoon of Me, That's Doctor Fangirl to you. (Doctor Fangirl)
[personal profile] cereta
Link.

Dear Prudence,

When I was growing up, my mother was the breadwinner while my father stayed home with us. It was always assumed that I, too, would be a “girlboss.” But I’ve had awful anxiety my whole life, and the idea of working outside the home overwhelmed me. It’s been a long journey for me to accept that I don’t need to earn money to be worthy.

I’m now a stay-at-home mom to two little boys, and we have a darling angel joining us this summer! My mother has been a tremendous help through my first trimester, and I feel truly blessed getting to see how happy and well-adjusted my boys are and thinking about how well-adjusted my daughter will be. Here’s where the problem comes in. I’ve seen how well-adjusted my kids are, and I know a HUGE part of that is my steady presence in the home. I’ve also been reading tons of parenting books about the importance of a healthy attachment in a child’s first three years to guarantee a healthy bond with the mother and emotional self-regulation. The more that I see the benefits of this in my own toddlers, the angrier I am with my mother.

I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. I blamed it on unpopularity in grade school and a heavy course load in college. Since becoming a SAHM, I’ve noticed that my anxiety is as crazy as ever even on “easy” days. Meanwhile, my tots are anxiety-free. I’ve realized that my years of anxiety attacks and lying awake at night is because I didn’t have that secure attachment with my mother in my early years. Now, I have a great bond with my mother as an adult! We talk every day, and I absolutely could not have gotten through the first trimester of any of my pregnancies without her, much less the postpartum months. But I’m still resentful that my mother didn’t make me more of a priority so that I could be well-adjusted.

I don’t know how to bring this up with her. We’ve talked before about the fact that she should have spent more time with me when I was a kid. I know that she was raised in a very careerist world. She sees my staying home with my kids as a “choice” and has a very “you do you” attitude about it, but that’s not enough. She doesn’t understand that by making her work a higher priority than me, she set me up for a lifetime of anxiety and attachment issues. Should I bring this up with her at all, or should I accept my mother’s limitations?

—First Generation SAHM

Dear First Generation SAHM,

It’s normal to feel resentment toward a parent about the choices they made that affected your well-being, especially when those effects are so clearly felt as an adult. Now that you’re a mother yourself, I can imagine that it’s galling to consider what your own childhood could have been like if your needs had been better met. I do think there’s a time and place in the future for you and your mother to have productive, compassionate conversations about how you feel about your childhood and the way she raised you.

But I think you first need to examine and work through your anger and resentment with a professional—ideally, a licensed therapist who can help you vent, rage, and grieve to your heart’s content. Therapy can also help you manage your anxiety generally, too. If talking to a therapist is out of the question for now, I think you need some form of a supportive outlet, such as a friend who also has similar mommy issues or even an online support group of fellow young mothers. You need some space to dig through the years of emotions and memories that have curdled into this resentment on your own first before you are ready to discuss it with your mother. Give yourself a lot of time to do this; no one in the history of the earth has ever fixed their mother-daughter relationship overnight.

You’ll know that you’re ready to talk to your mom once you’ve arrived at a place where you can feel a little compassion and empathy for the way she made a tough choice to balance her own needs with that of her children’s. No woman ever gets it perfectly right; when you’re able to feel more accepting of your mother’s choices, it’ll be a good time to open the conversation.

—Delia
cereta: Stinky the Stinkweed (stinky)
[personal profile] cereta
Link.

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together three years and live separately. He lost his wife six years ago and his children have not accepted any of his new romantic relationships. They are 23, 20, and 16. I actually worked with his eldest on a volunteer project, only for her to turn so nasty and hostile when she found out that I had dinner with her father that the coordinator had to keep us on separate schedules. It was bizarre. At that point, I would have considered us friendly.

My partner is a kind, loving man. He put his kids in therapy after he lost his wife, but the older two stopped going after they got older. He has assured his kids that he always will love their mother and would never try to replace her, but he doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. It hasn’t made a dent. I love him and wasn’t expecting it to be all sunshine and roses, but the kids refuse to warm up to me. Getting them to be civil is like pulling teeth. I hit my limit when his 16-year-old son took job that was out of town. He doesn’t drive and no one could pick him up after his shifts. It was, however, on my commute. I stupidly volunteered to pick him up.

What I got for my help was a sullen lump that refused to even make small talk about the weather. Then one time, I was about a half hour late due to traffic, my phone had died, and I forgot my charger. When I pulled up, he wasn’t there. He had gotten a ride with his manager. I drove to the house and knocked on the door to make sure he was okay. I apologized and he called me a bitch and slammed the door in my face. When I got home, I texted my partner about what happened and to consider my chauffeuring services over. We ended up getting in a fight because he seemed to think that forcing an apology out of his son was good enough. I told him that I am sorry his kids are still grieving but it wasn’t an excuse for them to treat me this way. We been on a break ever since.

His son lost his job because there was no one to pick him up. The other two have made social media posts making pretty open remarks blaming me. My partner has texted about how much he loves and misses me. He wants to marry me. My heart is aching. I truly love him. Is there any hope?

—Not Even a Stepmother

Dear Not Even,

Yes, but okay, I’m going to be real with you. You need to take some responsibility for the chauffeuring incident. You can’t really fault a teenager for not enthusiastically talking to you or being effusively grateful for the favor; teens literally treat the experience of being in a car with anyone who isn’t their friend like it’s the worst torture that humankind has ever endured. Your expectations on that front were too high, yes, but you also need to admit that you did kind of let him down by being late, even if it was due to forces beyond your control. A teenager (who’s still in mourning) does not have the neurons to be forgivably empathetic about that: All he knows is that you didn’t show up when you said you would, which probably triggered a deep-rooted fear that doesn’t not have to do with his mother’s death.

Of course he got a different ride. Then, when you confronted him, he became justifiably angry and reacted as much. You need to apologize to your partner’s son for not picking him up on time, full stop. (Be prepared to receive, best case scenario, a grunt in acknowledgement.) Then you need to make it clear to your partner that you do not appreciate name-calling, and would like him to communicate that to all of his kids. You need him to understand that you want a basic degree of respect, but he also needs you to understand that these are his kids, and they’re going to come first. The oldest two are adults and should be held to higher expectations; but the 16-year-old should get more leniency. It’s in adolescent wiring to say some ghastly shit to one’s own biological parents on the regular; you’re even more of a stranger to him, and you have to build up a little tolerance for him to teenage it out.

um

Feb. 5th, 2025 02:35 pm
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
From yesterday's Miss Manners:

Dear Miss Manners: The other night, around 6 p.m., my mother-in-law came to our house without a call or text. Just randomly showed up and started talking to us in the dining room.

I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and had timed it so that I could do other things while the food was in the oven. However, that was interrupted when she came by.

After 15 minutes, I took the food out, added sauce and put it back in for an additional 5 minutes. She saw me do this, and instead of leaving since it was clearly our dinnertime, she pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down! I'm not sure how she failed to read the room.

What is the best way to let her know, without seeming rude, that she should call or text before just popping in?


MM: This was not just any guest, and the term mother-in-law carries often-unjust overtones that are irrelevant to your situation.

If your husband's mother wants to drop by unannounced and stay for dinner, and your husband is unwilling to toss her out, you are stuck. But Miss Manners does not see why this should ruin your night.

Set her a place at the table. After dinner, she can sit with the rest of the family while you go about your evening. If she is still around when the kids go to sleep, your husband can sit with her while you catch up on work — or on a good book.
cereta: Dark Tower landscape (DT landscape)
[personal profile] cereta
Source.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Twenty-four years ago, I cheated on my husband when we were going through a rough patch in our marriage. It was brief; I ultimately broke it off and reconciled with my husband. Not long after, I realized I was pregnant. My husband forgave me and said it didn’t matter who the baby’s father was. When I had my daughter, “Marigold,” we decided never to say anything to her or our other two kids, who were 3 and 5 at the time.

This Christmas, my older daughter gave Marigold and her brother each one of those AncestryDNA testing kits as gifts. My husband passed away two years ago, and he was the only father Marigold has ever known; my older children have never learned about the affair.

I am at a crossroads here: I honestly have no idea whether Marigold’s biological father was my husband or the man I had an affair with. If I keep quiet and the test shows that my husband wasn’t Marigold’s father, it will send shock waves through the family, but if I tell Marigold about my affair and it turns out my husband was her father after all, I’m afraid it will tear the family apart all the same. Do I say nothing and keep my fingers crossed that the test will show that my husband was Marigold’s father, or should I tell her the truth before the kids get their results back? Please help!

—Regretting My Past

Dear Regretting,

I understand your dilemma—what a tense moment around the tree that must have been for you!—but I assure you there is no possible justification for saying anything to your kids, unless the DNA test shows that your husband wasn’t Marigold’s biological father. No good can come from telling them about this complicated chapter in your marriage if you don’t have to. While his willingness to raise her was a testament to his commitment to you, there’s no need for Marigold to know that her father never knew for sure if she was his biological child. If you need to talk to someone while you wait in agony for the results, pick one of your friends. Hopefully, you’ll be able to let sleeping dogs lie.

If the test reveals that Marigold has another father, you’ll need to be fully transparent with her and her siblings about the past. Be sure that they know that your husband willingly made the decision to stay in your marriage and love Marigold as his own. Apologize to them for the pain you’ve caused. Be honest about the challenges in your relationship that led to your infidelity; do not attempt to sanitize your husband’s part in the estrangement in the telling of this story. Support Marigold if she chooses to seek out your affair partner, and brace yourself for how he might react if he didn’t know that he may have fathered your child. If things go this way, it will be tumultuous, to say the least, but I believe that with patience and love, your family will make it through.

—Jamilah
cereta: Vic from Non Sequitur (Non Sequitur - Vic)
[personal profile] cereta
Older column, but hoo boy. Note: Letter is second in the column.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I are in our early 30s and hoping to buy a house and start a family within the next few years, but we’re having trouble figuring out how to fit my brother into our plans. My brother has mental health struggles—primarily anxiety. My mother, who has similar struggles, has never wanted to force him to do anything that makes him anxious. Unfortunately, that has included never requiring him to see a therapist, so he is largely undiagnosed and untreated. He is 30 now, has never finished high school and has never had a job. He still lives with my mother and their relationship is unsettlingly codependent. She cleans up after him and is generally at his beck and call. That has always been their dynamic.

My issue now is that she expects me to take over for her after her death. I’ve always known that his care would be my responsibility eventually and my husband and I have discussed it extensively. Our position is that we will make sure he has a place to live, but if he lives with us he will need to be willing to move to wherever we live, coexist with kids if we have them, and maintain a reasonable level of cleanliness. (Ideally, we would also like him to go to therapy and register for disability.) If he doesn’t want to do that, we will happily help him find somewhere else to live. My mom thinks this is selfish of us. She doesn’t want him uprooted after her death and thinks we should move home to be with him. She also thinks he should have a say in whether or not we have kids. To us those feel like ridiculous asks, but her position is that he is family and as his sister I should prioritize him over our careers and any hypothetical future children.

I’ve attempted to talk with him directly, but he refuses to discuss it and will physically walk away from any conversation he doesn’t want to have. Our mom is in her 70s now, and the need to have a plan in place is feeling increasingly urgent. I worry that her complete unwillingness to put any expectations on him is going to make living with him miserable, and I am scared that her opinions (which she shares with him loudly and often) are going to color him and leave us living with someone who resents us. Am I being selfish here? Is there any hope for making our future living arrangements less of a mess?

—Selfish Sister

Dear Selfish Sister,

Your mom loves her son very much. Also, she is being ridiculous. Your willingness to let your brother—who has anxiety, which is treatable, and not a condition that makes him unable to care for himself—live with you if he meets certain conditions is extraordinarily generous. And … maybe unwise. Simply put, it sounds like he’s going to make you miserable. Think of the way he walks away from conversations that he doesn’t want to engage in? You realize he’s going to do that when you ask him to help with the dishes once a week, right?

You’re buying into the idea that responsibility for your brother will automatically transfer from your mother to you. By not questioning this, you’re being almost as codependent as she is. And you’re letting two people whose decision-making you don’t respect shape your family’s future. What if, instead, your mom’s eventual passing is a moment for your brother to take responsibility for himself? If you jump in and house him and take on the mother role—the role that you think has held him back so much—he is never going to have a reason to do the things you wish he would do.

Tell him (in writing if he refuses a conversation) that you’ve thought it over and because he is not in therapy and has not applied for disability, you’re not comfortable having him live with you. You can include information on all the resources he might need in his journey to independence, from sliding scale counselors to job training programs to support groups to local nonprofits that might help him identify affordable housing. And then stop. Don’t push. Don’t ask for updates. Don’t go back and forth with your mom. Your mantra is “They are both grown-ups. They’re making their choices and I’m making mine.”

I’m not pushing tough love as a full solution to your brother’s problems, I’m not naive, and I know that it’s really hard to survive in this country and you probably won’t be able to live with yourself if he doesn’t have a roof over his head. But he should try—and come to you, adult-to-adult, with a proposal about how living with you will look, if he’s unable to make it work—rather than being handed over like a small child in a custody exchange.

Your mom’s role as his caregiver obviously doesn’t look appealing to you. So taking it on should be an absolute last resort.
minoanmiss: A little doll dressed as a Minoan girl (Minoan Child)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
By Amy Dickinson
PUBLISHED: May 6, 2024 at 3:30 AM CST

Dear Amy: My wife and I are divorcing after 23 years of marriage. I am moving out soon. Read more... )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
My 78-year-old mother has moderate dementia and suffers from mood swings, depression, anxiety, agitation and disturbed sleep. One of her doctors recommended a low-dosage CBD/THC gummy to alleviate these problems. She takes one daily and, combined with other therapies, now experiences more stable moods and better sleep.

The issue is my mother’s conviction that marijuana is for drug addicts and criminals, never mind that medical marijuana is legal in our state. She is so vehemently opposed to marijuana use that she disapproved when my dying sister used marijuana years ago for pain relief from inflammatory breast cancer. I have to lie to her about the ingredients in the gummies, which I casually refer to as ‘‘multivitamins.’’ Is it wrong to give my mother a drug that she would never have voluntarily taken on her own? — Name Withheld


Read more... )
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[personal profile] conuly
Dear Carolyn: My father is ill and wants me to reconcile with my twin sister, who is mentally, physically and financially abusive to me to the point of my cutting her entirely out of my life a couple of years ago. He insists we repair our relationship, which I view as irreparable given her boundary issues and continued abuses. I won’t do it.
But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.

I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.

— Twin


Read more... )
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[personal profile] conuly
DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: As soon as I graduate next spring with my bachelor’s degree, I intend to enter the convent of the religious order that taught at my high school. I had wanted to enter at the end of my senior year there, but my parents insisted I go to a four-year-co-ed college at least 100 miles from home, so I would have to live there so I would have “the full college experience”.

I have not liked having to wait, but since my vocation came to me when I was 15, I have known what I must and will do and I do not resent my parents’ asking this delay of me.

I know my parents continue to hope I will meet some nice guy and fall in love with him and decide I do not want to enter religious life. But I dated a couple of those nice guys, and there were zero sparks. All this entire experience did was to confirm my devotion to my chosen life.

It is obvious this all greatly bugs my parents, and I hate that part of it, but I have a calling, and that ultimately cannot be pushed aside or denied. Life outside the order would be miserable for me.

I know my parents are praying this will be the year I change my mind, but I will not. I know that.

What more can I do to convince my parents I am doing what is best for me and what will make me happy? --- HAVE MY CALLING


Read more... )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous


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conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
A few years ago, we gave our daughter, now 18, a stuffed bear for her birthday. At the time, we had recently discovered she had a boyfriend whom she was hiding from us. It was quite a shock. We wanted to be able to keep a closer eye on what she was doing without breaking her trust, so we installed a hidden camera inside the eye of the stuffed bear. Our daughter is now in college, and we overheard her telling her roommate how grateful she was for our trust in her and our support. We have been racked with guilt ever since. How can we tell our daughter about the camera without destroying our relationship with her? Should we tell her at all?

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jadelennox: Girlyman: "There's a lot to be said for what's been left behind." (girlyman: left behind)
[personal profile] jadelennox

source

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son, “Dylan,” recently started university. We live reasonably close to the campus, about an hour and a half away by train, so visiting on weekends or holidays is a possibility, although Dylan made it fairly clear that he wanted to stretch his independence a bit and probably wasn’t going to be coming over much. So I was a bit surprised to hear that A) He wanted to come home this weekend with B) a girl he met at school, “Christine,” in tow. I’ve never met her in person, and I’ve only spoken to her just this once, but what I heard has me already wondering about all the red flags I’m seeing.

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cereta: Silver magnifying glass on a book (Anjesa's magnifying glass)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Amy: I am an older woman who fell in love with a man 17 years younger than me. I love this man with everything I have. We met about five years ago at my home during Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately for us, his brother is married to my daughter.

I have practically raised their daughter from infancy; she’s going into second grade this year. When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, my son-in-law decided he would punish me by keeping my granddaughter away from me. (She was 4 at the time.)

The pressure and pain I endured was overwhelming and I broke up with the first man I've ever loved, who I was completely comfortable with, in order to spend time with my granddaughter.

Then, last year, my guy and I reunited. I love him more every day, but the same thing happened again — my granddaughter wasn’t allowed to come to my home anymore and my son-in-law treats me like dirt. So we broke up again because the pain is almost unbearable for both of us.

I would like your thoughts on this, please, because I need help. I don’t want to live a miserable life without the love of my life.

— Heartbroken

Heartbroken: I’m going to take it as a given that your partner doesn’t present any risks to your granddaughter, and that your son-in-law’s treatment of you is a reflection of the rage he feels at his perception that you are encroaching upon his family.

Nowhere here do you mention your daughter, who is married to this controlling and abusive man. He is managing to control the lives of four people: his wife, his brother, you, and your granddaughter. Perhaps it’s time that someone stood up to him.

You can’t stand up to him if your heart is aching and breaking, and so you will have to train yourself to withstand the consequent separation. It might help if you see your own choice as sending a strong message to both your daughter and granddaughter: “I won’t let him control me.”

Live your life. A counselor could help you and your partner to navigate the anxiety you feel. You should also consult with a lawyer. In my state, grandparents can file a legal petition for visitation.
cereta: Dark Tower Rose (Dark Tower Rose)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Amy: My uncle has four daughters, each about two years apart in age, but his oldest daughter never really fit in.

Their mom obsessed over the three younger girls and mostly ignored her eldest.

As adults, the three younger sisters learned from a drunken aunt that their dad isn’t the oldest daughter’s biological father.

It turns out their mom was pregnant with her when she met her husband (in a bar). The daughters are all now in their 50s and for decades everyone in the family has known – except her.

I’ve always believed that someone should tell her. Her father and sisters have said it wasn’t their secret to tell – it was her mom’s, who died two years ago.

In the past few years, the oldest daughter has cut off all ties to her family.

When she didn’t go to her mom’s funeral, her father cut her out of his will without telling her.

There are complicated family dynamics, to put it mildly (her mom was a severe alcoholic and emotionally abusive).

I’m just a cousin, but I believe that someone should tell her.

It may be because I’m adopted, but I think that her DNA is something she/anyone should know, especially since dozens of other people know about it.

Should I be the one to tell her?

– Concerned Cousin

Dear Concerned: According to you, your cousin has been excluded since childhood and is now completely cut off from her immediate family.

In addition to other dynamics you describe, secrets also separate family members, interfering with relationships.

Your insight as someone who was adopted into the extended family is helpful. Your relative distance as a cousin might make this encounter easier for her.

She already knows she doesn’t “belong” with her kin, she likely already suspects that she has a different father from her siblings, or she may have already had her own DNA sampled.

Yes, I think this is a topic you should broach with your cousin. She has the right to know what so many others already know. One can hope that discovering another group of DNA relatives will bring her into a more deserving family fold.
cereta: Baby Blues Wren (Wren Phhhhbbbbtt.)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Carolyn: I have decided to give a sizable cash gift to each of my children and their spouses each year. My son and daughter-in-law have already told me what they are going to spend the money on: doing house repairs, paying off their car, etc.

My concern is with my daughter and her new husband. They are both teachers in their late 30s. He has a history of overspending (apparently it runs in his family). He had a lot of debt when they met and my daughter helped him navigate paying down loans and credit cards. She has shared all of this with me. She said he still likes to spend on frivolous things.

They are expecting. I was unhappily surprised when I asked about summer plans and they are just taking it easy with no plans to earn extra money. I don’t want to attach any strings to this money, but I cannot stop thinking about him using it unwisely. What do you think about my asking my daughter how they plan to use the money? Or should I just get over it and let them handle it?

— Concerned

Concerned: There are lots of options between butting into their business or enabling their business. You could give them (some of) the money in a trust, for example, to both couples, to avoid a judgy look. Or you could set up an education savings account, one you control, for your coming grandchild. These may seem like “strings,” but they are darn generous ones, and they are smart.

I like this one the best: Since your daughter shared his history with you, you can talk to her about what she would prefer. Not in a controlly, “tsk at your unwise spending” way, but in a way that acknowledges a reality that your daughter has managed responsibly and trusted you enough to share.

Tell her you are mindful of how hard she and her husband have worked on excess spending and debt, and therefore want her input on this gift. Specifically, say you want to avoid putting her in a bad spot with a windfall, but you also want avoid interfering or attaching strings. Encourage her to give it some thought and come back to you with ideas, and offer her some starter ideas as well. An education account for the baby? A trust that pays out over time?

The main element of finding the “right” answer here, whatever it turns out to be, is not the money or the spending or the husband. It is your relationship with your daughter. If it is a good one, if she has shared her financial circumstances with you freely, in the spirit of openness and in trusting search of support, then you are in a position to say credibly that you are asking for her input on her behalf.

Because that is what it would be. Handing an addict a huge dose of a problematic substance has given us a rich library of outcomes to learn from. Giving your daughter a chance to act on the experiences of others instead of gaining her own the hard way is itself a sizable gift.
cereta: Donna Noble (Donna)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Amy: My sister, 60, and her daughter (28) are having a dispute.

My niece went to grad school in another country and has opted to stay for a few more years.

Everyone is happy, but being a young single woman far away (five hour time difference), her mom is constantly worrying about her.

She’s made a few visits to see her and my niece gets back home often. However, my sister feels it’s rude of my niece not to respond to texts from her. She believes it’s not too much to ask my niece for a daily text to make sure she’s all right (alive) — she’d be thrilled with just a return emoji – thumbs up.

My niece believes that touching base two or three times a week is enough.

This is causing a rift.

Also, it hurts her that her daughter wouldn’t want to know that her own mother is alive and well, too.

Any thoughts on how to proceed?

– Uncle Who Cares (I live far away, too)

Dear Uncle: Back in the day, if you wanted to check in with an overseas relative, you would wait for that tissue-paper airmail letter to land in your mailbox. Or you would have a weekly call to catch up.

My point is that with the ability to be in constant contact, people seem to have lost the capacity to manage their own anxieties.

Your niece is not serving in a war zone. Constantly worrying about whether a 28-year-old woman is alive seems excessive, as is expecting this daughter to worry every day about whether her mother is alive.

However – because this dynamic does exist, yes I do agree that the daughter should acknowledge her mother’s daily texts.
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Pay Dirt,

Everyone in my family is an academic achiever except me. Despite tests showing high intelligence, my grades were terrible. Decades later, I learned I had an undiagnosed, learning disability. I never told my family. When I was 7, I misunderstood a gift and spent $20 on a bunch of candy instead of returning the change. Because of that, my family thinks I’m bad with money.

My parents also bailed me out of credit card debt in college, but I haven’t taken their money since. My family never lets me pick up a check because they believe I’m poor. I don’t discuss my finances because they don’t believe me. My husband and I have a combined income in the mid-six figures with over seven figures in savings. (I outearn one of my siblings!) My family tried to stop us from buying a house and sending our kids to private school.

During estate planning, my parents allocated me more money than my siblings because they think I’ll need it. One sibling wants me to get it because they don’t want to be financially responsible for me and the other is complaining that my parents are punishing them for being responsible. It’s not my fault my family never updated their views, and if they think I need “special help,” then it’s ethical to accept it, right? I’m not lying to or deceiving anyone.

—You Can’t Handle the Truth


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cereta: blue circular loom, loom knitting needle, green thread (loom knitting)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Carolyn: I am a single 75-year-old woman who has recently had the good fortune to move into a house that my oldest son bought for me next door, so that I could spend time with my young grandkids. I moved from another state and I am part of their lives generally every day, a win-win for me, grandkids, and parents alike. I loved being a mother and homemaker, carry this same joy into my grandparenting, and feel this is where I shine.

My problem concerns my daughter-in-law. Even though I feel many of her rules concerning her kids are too rigid, unnecessary, and are a killjoy for them and for me, I believe I need to honor these rules. But there is one area that has long annoyed me and that, now that I live nearby and have some control over it, I would like your opinion on.

When I mailed gifts, they often would not get opened on the day of, and were sometimes opened weeks later. I can appreciate her rules about when things get opened, and that sometimes this is challenging and delays things, but where my gifts are concerned I just feel a lack of urgency in general. She calls the shots on how things go down in that household and the focus is largely on her own family. It really takes away from my joy.

Now that I live next door, I would like to give my own gifts on the day of, at my own home. I am anticipating resistance from my daughter-in-law. Sometimes I feel my hands are tied in so many ways with regard to the kids and we could have so much fun if not for my daughter-in-law’s frequent disapprovals. Of note: When I was their guest, I was not allowed to wash dishes, fold the laundry, put away the toys, etc., and I’m certain it was because I didn’t do it to her standards. She has her good qualities too, of course, and my son seems happily married, but the body language and facial expressions toward so many of us are an annoyance I’m going to have to fight every day.

— Next Door

Next Door: If I understand you correctly, you see living next door as an exciting new opportunity to finally win some power struggles with your rigid daughter-in-law.

I.e., to celebrate your Powerball win by trying to shoplift some candy.

Your place in this family is not only solid, it’s solid beyond the wildest dreams of anyone who has a daughter-in-law on the flinty side. I hope you’ll take my inbox’s word on this.

And although I accept your position 100 percent that you have been kept at a tight-lipped distance when it comes to her Ways of Doing Domestic Things — and I feel your resulting frustrations — the bigger arc of your story just doesn’t ring true.

Principally, I can’t buy into an assertion that “she calls the shots” and favors her own kin in a marriage that acquired the house next door for her mother-in-law who obviously isn’t her biggest fan.

You see where I’m coming from here, yes?

I hope so, because the stakes of your relationship with your son's family were already high and just got higher — access to your grandchildren, love, inclusion, community, shelter, care as you age — and because in the same move, the already-small stakes of the whole timing-of-gift-unwrappage thing just got microfreakingscopic.

Please trust me on this, too. As sympathetic as I am to the emotional power of our self-definitions, and as vulnerable as you are to her “frequent disapprovals,” using your proximity to try to claw back some control over family rituals sounds dreadfully misguided. Her resistance isn’t personal, even; you say yourself she’s like this with “so many of us.”

Instead, I urge you use your maternal talents in a more profound way: to encourage them not to regret moving you next door. (I kid.) Use them to think bigger and become the mother (-in-law) your son and daughter-in-law need. Don’t throw away your self-image or dull your shine, just tweak them both to reflect the role you play now in the family yours has become.

From where I sit, the couple have made it clear what they welcome: They want you close, they want you involved daily with the kids — and they want you to leave their towel-folding, toy-filing, gift-opening systems alone. Such clarity might not be as impressive as buying you a home, but it too is a generous gift.

In case you’re wondering: I have my opinions on “her rules.” But what I think of them is irrelevant unless and until they ask me what I think.

You can take that exact position yourself with real conviction; not just, “I need to honor these rules,” but, “Whew, I get to be the daily Grandma and I’m off the hook for dishes!” Isn’t that in the “joy” column, too? Or can’t it be, at least, if you deliberately put it there?

And choose to drop the gift thing completely? I can’t recall a battle that has ever begged harder not to be picked.
cereta: Bea Arthur as Dorothy (Dorothy Z)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Carolyn: My mom refuses to acknowledge the upside of her marriage to my dad. He was not the best husband or father, I’ll be the first to admit that. He was wrapped up in his work and left everything else to her.

But now that I’ve entered the same branch of science he was in, I get it. It had to be that way for him to make the breakthroughs he did.

My mom divorced him two years ago, and he hasn’t really gotten over it. He asks me when I see him whether she misses him, and I don’t know what to say. I’m not saying she can’t be happy, but she makes it all too clear that she doesn’t miss him and talks endlessly about this guy she’s dating like he’s Mr. Wonderful.

I know my dad can’t see it, but it’s kind of sickening that my sister and I can, though my sister says my mom is entitled to be happy. I’m not saying she isn’t, but tone it down a little, you know?

I tried talking to her about it, presenting the good of her 23-year marriage, saying she played a part in my father’s work; she enabled him to do that research and write those papers, and she can be happy and proud of that. She said that, because of her children, she wasn’t sorry she married my dad, but that she wasn’t sorry she divorced him, either. It’s like she didn’t even listen to me. So frustrating.

Should I try another way to get through to her or just let it go?

— Frustrated

Frustrated: Here are some things to say when your dad asks you whether your mom misses him:

· I am sorry you are hurting. Asking me to be your go-between will not make things better and is not fair to me.

· Please stop trying to put me in the middle.

· You will have to ask her that yourself.

· I am not your carrier pigeon.

· Dad, stop. (Change subject.)

· Dad, stop.

Here is why I opened my answer that way:

The things you are looking for are not yours to have. Your mother’s feelings about your dad and her former marriage are entirely her own to have. It’s not appropriate to try to influence her feelings to make yourself feel better. She “didn’t even listen to me” because you crossed into subjects that were very distinctly not your business.

It’s easy to see how you might believe they are your business. Your parents’ divorce obviously affected you in all kinds of ways. But if you try to make sense of what happened and how you feel about it without clear, logical boundaries in place, then you’re going to end up frustrated and confused.

So draw lines where they belong. Your feelings are your business, your dad’s are your dad’s, your mom’s are your mom’s, and your sister’s are your sister’s. How you interact with your dad is your business. How you interact with your mom is your business. How your mom and dad interact with each other is not your business. How your mom interacts with her new love interest is not your business, unless and until it crosses some kind of line in your presence. If you’re uncomfortable around them, then it is your place to speak up and/or leave the room.

Gaining new perspective on your dad from a career angle is interesting and valuable, but it doesn’t redraw any of those lines or make your mom retroactively any less lonely.

It may seem complicated, but it’s actually a simple system for navigating human complexity. You do you. That’s it. As well as you can.
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
1. DEAR ABBY: I am 76. My husband and I planned our final wishes for cremation because I have had a lifelong fear of being buried underground. My children from my first marriage are Jewish and very much against cremation. When I told them my wishes, they attacked me with a barrage of negatives about cremation, such as, "You won't go to heaven," "You won't see your deceased mother or grandson in heaven," "We won't be able to say kaddish for you," etc., so I immediately changed my plans. My husband and I purchased side-by-side crypts, thinking it was an acceptable alternative.

I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA


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*******************


2. Around a decade ago, my mom informed each of her children that she and my stepfather put a codicil in their wills disinheriting any of their children married to someone not recognized as Jewish by her local Orthodox Rabbinate.

I believe a will is not just about money; it’s also an expression of values and love. I have strongly objected to this codicil, or more specifically, to her having informed us about it: The two are thereby using their wealth as an implicit weapon in service of their religious views.

She says I’m reading too much into it. She claims she informed us in the name of “transparency,” so we wouldn’t be surprised later, and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases, anyway — though she concedes that she also informed us in case it may influence decisions we make.

I’ve since married someone who fits her definition of a Jew, so the codicil doesn’t apply to me. Still, I have three middle-aged siblings who are all not religious and unmarried, and I think they remain so at least partially because they’re stuck, unable to both follow their hearts and avoid betraying my mother’s love — and its most powerful signifier, her will. Is she right to have the codicil? And to have told us about it? — Name Withheld


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conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a mom to two boys: “Will,” who is 20, and “James,” who is 18. James has always been a nice, shy, rule-following kiddo. A bit of a goody-two-shoes, even. I always assumed that at some point, James would break out of his shell and rebel. However, that hasn’t ever happened and now I’m wondering if I should be worried.

James is a first-year at the same college his brother attends. I’ve been trying to encourage Will to bring James to parties with him and get him to enjoy himself and make the most of all that college has to offer. Unfortunately, Will says that James isn’t interested. Instead, James seems to focus on his schoolwork and G-rated hobbies like reading and playing the piano. He has a thing for a guy in one of his classes, but is too nervous to approach him. I don’t think he’s ever gotten drunk or high or had sex.

I look back on my own college years and have fond memories of the freedom of student life. I’m sad that James might not have those same experiences. I’m also slightly worried, because it’s normal and healthy for kids his age to rebel. It makes me wonder if there’s something I should be concerned about. Could he be depressed? Have we not done enough as parents to ensure that it is safe and encouraged for him to rebel? Is he just a late bloomer?

— Too Good to Be True?


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conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Carolyn: For years, my oldest son and his girlfriend said they would never get married; she was against it. Then, five years ago, she relented and they got married, by all accounts happily.

They are financially secure: well-paying jobs, no debt on their advanced degrees, a rental property they own outright, a manageable mortgage on their home, late-model cars.

Indeed, my son and his wife have worked hard, but we and the in-laws have also provided our ongoing support.

But there is a rub: Our daughter-in-law steadfastly refuses to consider having children — and our son stands by her decision.

Her reason — or the reason they are standing behind — is climate change. In her opinion, it would be the height of cruelty to bring a child into a world that faces such an apocalyptic and nihilistic future.

I will grant you that our country has this and other major problems. But there is an existential question here: What have my and my wife’s lives amounted to, if we have not inculcated a basic will to survive to the next generation?

To make matters more complicated, they channel all their time and energy into biking, hiking, rock-climbing, kayaking, etc. We despair that our younger children will make the same lifestyle choices — especially under the influence of their older sibling.

To many observers, it would seem our kids have been spoiled. And on some level, that is true. But the urge to face an uncertain future and procreate in the face of adversity is supposed to be part of the human condition.

Every generation faces some dire threat. My father’s generation was told to go shoot Hitler. My generation learned to “duck and cover” to avoid nuclear annihilation. How can climate change be worse? Any advice?

— Despairing


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cereta: Wren from Baby Blues, looking grumpy (Wren is grumpy)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Carolyn: My son is engaged to a woman I don’t know very well. He asked whether I wanted to contribute to the wedding. I said no — I paid for a third of his college, per our divorce decree, and feel adults old enough to be married are old enough to pay for their own weddings.

Last weekend, his fiancee’s parents, also divorced, hosted a dinner so all the parents could meet. They discussed having a rehearsal dinner, a wedding, and a brunch the following day. Parents are paying for most or all of this.

I am bothered by a few things. To start, I thought a wedding was meant to be a few hours, not a few days. I also feel my ex’s new wife is assuming a role as mother of the groom, calling all the shots for the rehearsal dinner. It was also clear she socializes with my son’s fiancee. Her children are in the wedding party, and I overheard people calling them the groom’s brother and sister. The fiancee and her parents have a much warmer relationship with my ex. If they knew his infidelity broke our marriage, I wonder what they would think of him.

I do wish the couple all the luck in the world, but I dread the wedding. How do I deal with these unsettled feelings?

— Bothered

Bothered: Everything you named is a byproduct, at this point, of holding yourself (or your money) apart from the action.

That means you can change it. But it also means ditching all the “should” before you poison yourself with the anger you hold for your ex, and watch your son’s joy pass you by.

The first “should” to go: "[M]eant to be a few hours.” A wedding is what the couple wants and can finance. Mentally repeat till it sticks: “I am so happy for them.” Plus, couples often want to provide more than “a few hours” of hospitality for out-of-town guests.

Next: Old enough to marry/pay. Great! Absolutely valid opinion, so by all means do live by it. Or pivot and pitch in. Others can live by their different, also valid opinions. Your son apparently took your “no” for an answer graciously. Great stuff.

Next: The fiancee and your ex’s new wife. That stings for you, no doubt — but it’s great for the couple. Warmth is good. So now you have a choice — remain stung or bring more warmth. “Luck” is so arm’s-length.

Next: The infidelity grudge. It was awful, I’m sorry, and broke up your family. It also isn’t binding on these other families. They’re meeting you all in this moment, free to make their own judgments and connections. A clean(er) slate could serve you, too.

Feeding your sense of what “should” happen keeps you out of step with what’s actually happening. Please give yourself a hard shake, like an Etch A Sketch, and try approaching this wedding clean.

Readers’ thoughts:

· My mom was cash-strapped and very self-conscious, so I didn’t ask for any money. Instead I asked her to help me find a dress. Answer: no. I asked her to help me decide on flowers. Answer: no. She spent most of the reception sitting apart on the patio. It’s a sad memory. I wanted her to be part of the day, but her guilt over not being able to contribute financially made her feel undeserving.

· I might suggest therapy. It sounds as if you’re dealing with a lot of unresolved anger and a sense of betrayal over the end of your marriage, understandably.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: My daughter informs me that after a couple marries, they are required to spend every Christmas with the groom’s family, rather than alternating, as was the practice before the wedding.

Is this an American tradition — or any, for that matter? I am not familiar with this “requirement.”


Neither is anyone else, except your daughter’s in-laws.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Care and Feeding,

My parents are not good pet owners. They have an outdoor-only cat, and for the last decade I have been hearing stories about how he gets hurt and they basically don’t care. A few months ago after yet another one of these stories, my wife suggested we wait until my folks were on vacation and then steal the cat and take him to the vet. We did, and he turned out to be in bad shape (he required a $1500 emergency procedure for a massively infected bite wound). We decided not to give him back to my parents; he is super sweet and friendly and we hoped to rehome him. However, I’m getting really attached to him. I’m not sure what to do as my parents still don’t know we have him (they told me he must have died, and they weren’t particularly upset). We’re planning to hide him with a friend for Christmas when they visit, but she wanted to know why we don’t just come clean. I feel like that is a question that can only be asked by a person with a very unfraught parental relationship, which I don’t have. I’ve been wondering if we could just gaslight my parents into thinking he’s a brand new cat, but he has some unique scars and a VERY unique meow, so even if that weren’t a bananas idea I’m not sure we could pull it off. Should I stick to my original plan to rehome him? Should I be honest with my parents? Do any of your readers want a sweet old cat with a truly unique adoption story? I can’t believe I’m in this situation.

—Cat Napper

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