agonyaunt | Entries tagged with kids

Dear Lizzy,

I’m a woman in a long-term relationship but decided in my 20s not to have kids. I am quite happy with my decision. I can go on trips and sleep whenever I want for as long as I want. But I have several old friends who still cannot seem to believe me when I say I am happy. There are the sort of sideways remarks like, “What about when you’re old?” or “We’ll see…” implying I will change my mind and get pregnant. But also blatant things like, “You don’t know what love really means until you have a kid.”

I know what love means and also, I legitimately am happy! What can I do to make them understand I don’t need their pity?

A Childless Cat Lady

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conuly

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 12-year-old who lives for choir and musical theater. She’s been taking piano lessons for four years and has never really been into it the way she is into singing.

She loves to play the piano, but she hates having to practice. I want her to keep taking piano lessons, because 1) It’s such a good companion to the choir stuff (if she decides to do music for a living, she’ll have a head start with already knowing piano and being able to read music—something they don’t study in her choir) 2) we have asked both our kids to pick and stick with a musical instrument and an organized sport or physical activity, and she has no interest in another instrument (or a sport for what it’s worth); 3) we believe strongly in the benefits of musicianship and of needing to practice and work at something. It also bothers me that her main argument for quitting piano is that her teacher makes her keep her fingernails shorter than she’d like them to be. I’m sure there are other reasons, but she’s a tween and that’s all she’s said out loud. In pretty much every other extracurricular, we’ve let the kids choose whether to participate and how much. Am I making my kid miserable because I regret quitting piano as a child? Is it reasonable to ask that the kids play music whether they want to or not?

—To Quit or Not to Quit

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

We have an 8-year-old daughter, “Jess,” who does a lot of extracurricular activities. She loves what she does, tries hard, and is relatively successful at them (she represented her school for athletics, she plays the piano well, she’s at the top of her class academically, and she has won a couple of local dance competitions). We have always encouraged her to try different things and will support her as long as she puts in lots of effort (never a problem). Jess has a close friend at school, “Mia,” who has quite a few overlapping activities. Mia’s parents’ motivations are quite different from ours.

They are highly competitive and have openly said that they are pushing Mia into all of these activities to get scholarships. Mia has an elaborate schedule for study, sport, and practice of instruments. There is a strong emphasis on coming in first in everything, and unfortunately, since our daughters share so many activities, Jess seems to have become a benchmark for Mia. When we socialize with the parents, they are incredibly supportive of Jess, always mentioning how well she performed and complimenting her work ethic, etc. It does come across as a little disingenuous, and they seem to be fishing for “tricks”—how we get Jess to study and train—but at least it is positive feedback in front of Jess. Unfortunately, Mia doesn’t have much of a social filter yet, and the messages she must be getting at home have turned her into the very definition of a bad sport. When Mia wins something, she will go on and on about how she is much better than Jess at whatever they were doing. When Jess wins something, she gets a breakdown analysis about why Mia “actually won” or “should have won” and Mia makes it clear Jess wasn’t really deserving of the win. This often comes with a blow-by-blow account about how their family had gone over video footage to determine that Mia was actually better. This has escalated in the last six months, and now we’re at the point that, after competitions that Mia has not even entered, she will provide commentary about how Jess did not deserve to win. To top it off, she has started to exclude Jess from social groups, and she has begun bullying Jess when she does well at something at school.

Jess would be happy to cut ties with Mia, although she is concerned about the social implications at school. She has voiced her sadness about how her friend does not support her and seems jealous all the time. What I want to know is this: Do we leave it at that? Helping her/supporting her in distancing herself from Mia, acknowledging that this is a toxic friendship, and moving on? Or should we talk to Mia’s parents about her behavior? If I were them, I would be horrified by what my daughter was saying and doing. She is certainly revealing a lot more than is probably intended from family discussions. I’d love to let them know exactly what Mia has been saying, and I wonder if we could mitigate the behavior with a little bit of parental intervention. I would hope that maybe we could at least limit the extent to which Mia excludes Jess at school. So should I say something? If so, what? I have no idea how to tell them that I know about all the negative things they have been saying behind our backs.

—Not That Competitive

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minoanmiss

[Content advisory: the column this letter came from contains a graphic and disturbing letter about children and sexual activity. This particular letter is only about profanity.]

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Current Mood: amused

conuly

How do you deal with messy bedrooms? Our 11-year-old is responsible when it comes to a lot of things, but keeping her room clean isn’t one of them. I could deal with general messiness, but her floor is just covered in clothes (both clean and dirty), skincare products, school stuff, etc. It will get to a point where she cleans it up, but within a week it’s a disaster again. She doesn’t seem to be embarrassed when friends come over and honestly doesn’t understand why we care so much. What’s the best way to not only keep her room clean enough so I don’t have to avert my eyes when walking past, but also have it so this isn’t an ongoing battle?

—Where’s the Floor

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conuly

My house sits on a cul-de-sac. Most of my neighbors are retirees or young families. As a result, the street is treated as a playground, with the kids constantly out and leaving their crap in the road. My house is the one with the steepest drive and I can’t tell you the number of times I had to tell the kids to stop playing in my driveway and watch out because my truck doesn’t have a backup camera. I chalked it up as an ordinary annoyance, until my neighbor across the way started to close off the entire street with cones and “kids at play” signs. Meaning it is an entire ordeal if I have to run errands or want to get take out. It takes forever to get the kids and all their stuff out of the road, and my neighbors treat it as a giant favor to get them to clear the road. I am usually a live-and-let-live guy, but there is literally a park two miles away. I have already spoken several times with my neighbors about the issue but it still happens. We do have an HOA, and I am really tempted to throw the entire issue out at the next meeting. Can I get some advice?

—Street Side

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a divorced mother of an only son, “Daniel,” age 8. I had thought the divorce would make things better, but my ex has been a nightmare co-parent. He has more money than I do, and despite the terms of the settlement, he uses it to buy the affection of our child, as well as to influence him in profoundly unhealthy ways. So, for instance, near the start of the month, I noted that Daniel’s shoes had some holes in them and I went to get him some new ones. I got him a very nice pair at a very reasonable store, only to have him take them off almost as soon as he got home and put his old ratty shoes on. He said the ones I got “hurt [his] feet to wear them,” and when I asked why he didn’t say something at the store. he had the gall to lie to my face and said he did and that I didn’t pay attention.

After a day of this and a grounding for his lying, I threw out his old shoes so he’d have to wear the new ones. That worked up until the next visitation, when Daniel came back from his father’s sporting a brand-new pair of sneakers, the ones I bought nowhere in sight. Worst of all, he was super sullen about coming back home and didn’t want to talk about the shoes his father got him, accusing me of not listening to him anyway. His father did a lot of lying and gaslighting, and I’m sure he’s teaching our boy those same horrible habits. My son gets more and more unhappy to come home each time. Help me, please—I can’t stand to lose my son like this.

—Single Mother Needing Help

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

What’s the best way to handle “parenting” other people’s children? My kids are very close with a pair of siblings (all 9 and 6). The son, “Trent,” is my son’s best friend and likely has ADHD (they are awaiting formal diagnosis) As a result, he struggles with managing emotions and has frequent meltdowns over seemingly small issues, so it can be hard to tell how to address some of his behaviors versus how I would with my own kids.

Recently when the kids were over, the four of them decided to start a band. They all chose instruments, happily practiced for half an hour, and then called us in for a performance. At this point, Trent decided he wanted to play either the instrument my son had or the one his older sister had. I kindly explained that it wouldn’t be fair to switch as they’d all agreed earlier and been practicing, but he could choose a different instrument no one was using, be the second piano player alongside his sister, or they could do a second set afterwards where they swapped instruments and he could have the one he wanted. But he wasn’t interested in any of these and got upset.

I held firm on the fairness issue—with my kids, they don’t get their way just because they’re upset. Trent started crying and saying he wanted to go home, and I was a bit at a loss for what I should do. In the end, both his sister (who is used to these scenarios) and my son offered to swap with him, and he took my son’s instrument. I don’t know whether this was an emotional dysregulation thing or more typical 6-year-old who isn’t getting his way behavior. I told my son later it was kind of him to switch but that he shouldn’t feel he needs to do something he thinks is unfair just because someone else is upset. (My son was visibly annoyed when Trent didn’t thank him for swapping and was much less interested in the band after.)

What was the best way to handle a crying 6-year-old at my house when his parents aren’t there to step in? Should I have encouraged someone to swap with him when I saw he was getting upset to try to keep the peace, or was I right to hold the line?

—My House, Whose Rules?

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conuly

My kids are elementary-school age (7-year-old boy and 9-year-old girl). We are involved in lots of activities that they chose and love. As a result, we’re super busy (like everyone!). I keep everything moving and on schedule as much as a single mom can, but imploring the kids to “hurry,” “hustle,” “go a little faster” or any other iteration has zero effect.

I have tried planning more time to, for example, get dressed for a ballgame and load the gear in the car, but it takes even longer. I can stand there and say, “I really need you to move a little more quickly!” and it has literally no effect on the speed of their movements.

Incentives don’t help; neither does reminding them that the quicker they get things done, the more free time they’ll have. I have tried many things but have not found anything that seems to make a difference. Please tell me you have a trick or idea to help me change our speed of getting things done! Everyone would be so much happier!

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conuly

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I are currently planning a trip to Taiwan, where I emigrated from as a young adult, to visit my parents and extended family. We have two children, 16-year-old “Ada” and 13-year-old “Megan.”

Since Ada was little, she has always been an incredibly picky eater. She is quite sensitive to the different textures of food, and there are some foods she refuses to try at all. When she was little, we thought she may have autism or a related condition, but ruled that out with her doctor. She is much more open to trying new foods than she used to be, and we are no longer overly concerned. However, she still dislikes most Chinese food.

Obviously, in Taiwan, the vast majority of our meals would consist of Chinese food. Yesterday over dinner, I mentioned this to her, and she joked that it would be a waste of money to take her to Taiwan, given that she wouldn’t enjoy it and would refuse to try most of the food there. I got mad, and told her that I would have to explain her “strange” eating habits to all of our relatives, and that I had no idea why she had to be so stubborn about the foods that she doesn’t want to eat.

After the blowup (which involved fighting about some other things), Ada won’t speak to me. According to my husband, she claims that I don’t “understand” her aversion to certain tastes and textures, and that she isn’t doing this to be intentionally rude to anybody.

What should I do?

— Frustrated About Food

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a strange problem with my teenage daughter. This may sound gross, but for years now, she has had this bad habit of picking at the skin around her fingernails. She started doing this when she was around four years old and over a decade later she still hasn’t stopped. As a result, her fingers have horrible-looking cuts on them that are often bleeding. When she was younger, her father and I would try to scare her by telling her no one would want to be her friend if her fingers looked like that or how open wounds could lead to serious infections but nothing has stopped her. She claims that picking at her fingers makes her “feel better,” which is such a crazy thing to say. It makes me so angry that she keeps making excuses. Our daughter claims that she has been trying to stop, but she has been saying that for years and there have been no changes. If she can’t even stop this simple bad habit, how will she do more difficult things in life in the future? What should we do about our daughter’s problem?

— At My Wit’s End

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https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/when-in-laws-cross-boundaries-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html

conuly

The first is under a cut because it's awful, the second is under a cut for solidarity.

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a low stakes question: My 2-year-old daughter called me a “poo head” the other day. I was distraught; she was bubbling over with glee. I put on my best mischievous grin and responded that SHE was the poo head. She laughed a lot, said I was the poo head and it continued. I was honestly having fun. I looked over to find my partner (her Dad) looking somewhat exasperated. I asked him what was up. He said we’re not supposed to go along with it, that name calling is a thing, and that it probably shouldn’t be a game. I said I think it’s OK, it’s clear we’re having fun and if she was trying to be mean or trying to hurt me, or if it hurt another child, my response would be different. He shrugged, he thinks she’s too young to get different contexts and that I’m “making a rod for my own back” later down the line. I really wasn’t sure… do you think this will come back to bite me?

—Poo Head

( She's two. She'll grow out of it )

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I need some help navigating a situation in my blended family. My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.

The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June. Each student only gets five tickets. My stepdaughter wants her tickets to go to her mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and father. I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony. To her credit, my stepdaughter called me herself to explain the situation, but the conversation went sideways. I was taken aback when she said that she wanted the people closest to her at the ceremony. I do not think it is fair that I am being treated as less than her stepfather or grandmother. I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect. She became distraught and ended the phone call.

I have proposed a number of solutions to my husband: both her stepfather and I can refrain from going; her grandmother could take a step back and allow the parents and stepparents to attend together; my younger stepdaughter could skip the ceremony and join us afterwards. My husband is reluctant to push the issue and has asked me not to make him choose. My stepdaughter is hoping to procure a ticket that one of her classmates will not have use for, but I’m not sure how to proceed if she can’t get an extra ticket. I want to preserve the relationships going forward, but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.

— Graduation Blues

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conuly

Dear Therapist,

When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.

We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.

Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?

My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.

Thank you for any advice you have to offer.

Anonymous

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petrea_mitchell

Dear Lizzy,

I’m thinking of giving my unsolicited opinion to a stranger. Should I do it?

Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

No. You shouldn’t. Unless someone’s safety is in question, keep it to yourself and move along.

I have a confession: This question was submitted over the weekend by my husband, while we were on vacation, immediately after a person gave us several opinions on things that were unwelcome and weird.

( CW: fatphobia )

ysobel

(original title "by kids of son’s girlfriend")

Letter cut because the description of the kids infuriates me. One crime? They use HANDS to eat PIZZA, the absolute horror.

( no favoritism here, nosireebob )

petrea_mitchell

Could an admin-type person please create a "why tho?" tag?

Dear Lizzy,

We’re lower income. I’ve had a few different experiences that I don’t know how to deal with:

First, we invited my child’s classmate to come with us for a week at the beach. He was a huge eater. His parents did not offer to contribute in any way to meals, entry fees, or any other expenses. What is the etiquette/how do we ask parents to contribute next time?

Second, my middle school child made a plan for a mate to come over after dance class. In front of me and her child, the schoolmate’s mom handed her daughter a $20 bill saying, “This is to cover you if you go out for lunch.” We did go out to lunch, around the corner from a toy store. When the check came the mate pulled out the $20 bill, waved it a bit, looking me straight in the eyes, while saying, “Hey let’s go to the toy store.” Then she got up and headed to the toy store with the $20. This child has done this to me 3-4 times. She also routinely does it to my child if they go to Starbucks, etc. She pockets the money her (wealthy) parents give her to pay her share, saving it for things for her personal enjoyment, letting the other person pay her way.

Third, my child has a lot of friends and they like to hang out at our house. It’s not uncommon for there to be 4-5 kids over from the time school gets out until late at night on Friday and all day Saturday. I have never met these kids’ parents. I want to give my child dinner when dinner time rolls around, and his friends are hungry, too. Initially, I ordered pizza, wings, etc. to feed the whole crowd. I have now fed the whole crowd half a dozen Fridays in a row, and I hate that I’m feeling resentful. I want to feed my child, and I know these other kids also are hungry, but I just can’t afford to keep doing this. All these kids’ parents must know that someone is feeding their children week after week after week, but there’s no offer to contribute or reciprocate.

Suggestions?

Feeding Other People’s Children

( Be the parent )

minoanmiss

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minoanmiss

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

My younger son, Evan, recently started his sophomore year in high school. I was stunned when he was suspended for a week over an assignment he’d turned in. One of his classes called for an essay to analyze a plan that went wrong, starting with why the plan was adopted, what flaws were inherent in its assumptions or execution, the consequences of the failure of the plan, and how the plan could be improved.

Evan chose to wrote about his school’s zero-tolerance for fighting policy. He thinks the policy was adopted because the school’s administrators are stupid and wanted to rid themselves of trying to figure out who’s responsible when an incident occurs. This policy, Evan says, increases violence, since if a kid can get suspended for even being near a fight, they might as well be violent once a fight starts. He points to several kids who were suspended, and one expelled, for being in the vicinity of a fight—or even attacked—and notes that this is both unjust and damaging to their education. His suggestion for fixing things involves giving the school staff brain transplants from the principal’s cats, which he declares would enhance their intelligence.

I am beside myself that Evan could be so disrespectful and insulting to his school’s administration. But no matter what sort of discipline I apply at home (he’s been grounded for the foreseeable future, and I’ve started monitoring his internet usage), he remains stubbornly defiant that the policy is terrible and the principal et al. are idiots. My husband has been absolutely no help at all—not going quite so far as to openly agree with Evan, but making it perfectly clear that he does in fact sympathize with him. I don’t know how to regain a handle on this situation.

—Furious Mom

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liv

I really liked Nicole Chung's response to a tricky parenting question.

( racist bullying of an Asian-American child by another child )

Current Mood: thoughtful

conuly

DEAR ABBY: My son's new wife -- who has a daughter -- insisted that his two children are not biologically his. After a DNA test, it turns out she was right. They aren't. My son, my husband and I are heartbroken. His twins are 10, and they don't understand what's going on.

My husband and I are trying to gently remain in their lives with phone calls and limited visits. My son's wife refuses to visit with us until we stop communicating with the children, promise never to talk about them and display no pictures in our home. She's trying to convince our son to stop seeing us, as well. What to do? -- DISAPPOINTED IN TEXAS

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minoanmiss

[I thought this one was pretty cute]

Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a father of two boys, ages 9 and 5. Instead giving them a traditional allowance, I wrote a little app for their shared tablet that tracks redeemable "points." ( Read more... )

Current Mood: amused

lemonsharks

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister and brother-in-law have struggled to conceive. They are starting the process of adoption. They are very religious and say they’re open to whatever child God wants to give them. But I’ve had conversations with them that make me sure they are unready to adopt a child with disabilities, and also that they don’t have the sensitivity to raise a child of a different race.

In general, I think they are ill-suited to raise children. My brother-in-law is short-tempered, and I’ve never seen him offer to help out with any domestic chores. My sister-in-law has a lot of emotional issues, and with so little support from her husband, I think she might sink under the pressure of parenthood.

They’ve asked me to be a personal reference for them. The thing is, I can’t give them my unqualified support in this area. It’s one thing to say I think they’ll be good at a job, and another to recommend a kid to their care for life! If I refuse, they’ll probably get someone from their church (where adoption is always an unqualified good) to write the recommendation. So it’s not like I can single-handedly stop them from adopting. But to agree to be a reference and then say something that might get them turned down feels cruel. What’s my responsibility here?
—Against Adoption?

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Current Mood: what the actual fuck

minoanmiss

My daughter spends half her school day in an arts high school, the other half in a traditional high school. Recently, she shared with me instances in which one of her peers had plagiarized in the arts school and cheated on exams in the regular high school. She told me that her peer is considered, by teachers in the art school, to be a superior writer.

One afternoon she came home from the arts school upset because the cheater read aloud a supposedly original poem that my daughter recognized as having been written by a former student. She quietly pointed out to the cheater that she recognized the work. The cheater shrugged.

I think my daughter has an obligation to stop the cheating by informing the teacher. I suggested that she photocopy the original poem and give it to the teacher and allow the teacher to reach her own conclusions. I think that my daughter is loath to do anything because in part she is upset about being upstaged by a cheater. I think this emotional sidebar is secondary to the fact that the cheater is stealing from the whole class: Writing from the cheater is not a good sample for others to workshop because it is not original and taints the learning opportunities of the other students. At the traditional high school, the cheater’s test scores may also wrongly modify the grading curve, which affects the grades of all other students in the class.

My daughter’s friends independently became aware that this student is a cheater and plagiarizer. They urged my daughter to “rat” on the cheater. I wish these friends had informed teachers before now. It seems unlikely that the friends are willing or able to join together to talk to a teacher. But I really want my daughter to take a stand here. Am I wrong? Name Withheld

Young people belong to a world of group norms, and a central one favors loyalty to their peer group over the authority of their elders. In ordinary circumstances, “ratting out” a peer violates that norm. A member of the group can get away with it if others regard the wrong in question as itself a betrayal of the group and as a serious violation. They aren’t likely to be impressed by your specific objections — your point about its effects on the grading curve or your claim (which I don’t quite get) that a good poem is a bad sample if it’s stolen. The norm violation that will register, oddly, is the cheater’s showing off, the effort to make himself or herself look better than the rest. The cheater’s classmates will have resented what your daughter resented: being upstaged.

The real reason this young person should be reported is that what he or she has done is wrong. Yes, cheating of this sort does slightly damage other people, by misrepresenting their relative capacities. It may also be bad for this young person if it brings him or her to a place where expectations of his or her performance are higher than they should be: The cheater may have to keep cheating to maintain appearances, thereby increasing the likelihood of being found out and discredited. But the heart of the wrong here is that the cheater is deceiving teachers, taking advantage of their good will and the unearned respect they have for him or her. Honesty, like all virtues, entails a whole complex of attitudes and behavior.

You, like some of her classmates, want your daughter to take sole responsibility for seeing that this wrong is recognized and punished. Upholding the value of honesty, in this way, would make sense if she were the only person who was in a position to do so. But she isn’t. And it would be cowardly of her friends to have her bear all the social risk here. A better solution is at hand: A group of those who know what’s going on should come forward together. You doubt that they’ll do this. But has anyone asked them to? And isn’t that the first thing for your daughter to work toward?

She could, of course, just slip the evidence to the teacher anonymously, or she could inform the teacher along with a request for confidentiality, assuming she thinks the teacher would respect that request. Why am I suggesting the other approach, then? Because the collective affirmation of honesty would be a better outcome for her peer group. They could think of themselves as having chosen to speak out against cheating. And that might help them keep to that norm in subsequent years. Nothing fixes a value in your mind better than having stood up for it together with your friends.

lilysea

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old single mother of two small children. My 5-year-old son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I'm the only one in my family who has been trained in his care, so I understand the importance of a healthy diet, proper insulin dosage, checking his blood sugar, etc., and that unless his diabetes is properly managed, it could lead to serious health issues -- even death.

I have explained these things to my mother and attempted to train her several times, yet she continues to do things she shouldn't be doing. She stops by my house almost every night with "treats" like candy, ice cream, chocolate bars, doughnuts, etc. When I get upset about it, she'll casually reply, "Oh, whatever. If you dose him for the carbs in it, he's fine," which is not the case. Yes, he can have a treat now and then, but overall, he needs to stay away from that stuff.

It is extremely frustrating that she refuses to listen to me and continues to disrespect my wishes. I don't know what else to do. We have fought repeatedly over this, and she keeps telling me I'm "overreacting." I'm terrified my son will have permanent damage because of this. How do I get her to stop and listen to me? -- FRUSTRATED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You have allowed your son's medical condition to become a power struggle between you and your mother. Schedule an appointment with your son's pediatrician so your mother can have the facts of life explained to her. If that doesn't help her to accept reality, then understand that she can't be trusted. Do not allow her to drop by with goodies, and supervise any contact he has with her. It is your job to protect your little boy, even from your obtuse mother, if necessary.

lilysea

( Creepy man is busybody )

minoanmiss

The comments on this one were particularly lively and contentious. ( Read more... )

cereta

Q. Marriage possibly ending: I have been with the same guy for six years, married for one. He has two sons from a previous marriage, and she is not in the picture. If it is relevant I’m a male too. My husband has asked me if I could accept his moving into his own apartment for a year because he has never been on his own. He says he doesn’t want us to break up, just live apart for a while. The boys would stay with me in our home, and he would take them to spend the night every so often. We would also have a weekly date night just to keep our relationship “on track.” He married his ex right out of high school, and they had children right away, so he really hasn’t ever been on his own. I have not given a response other than asking a few questions. Truthfully the idea makes me mad as hell and I just want to tell him to leave if you want and take your damn brats with you! Then I calm down and realize I can’t live without him and the boys. Or maybe I can. I feel this is unbelievably selfish of him, but I kind of understand. But the boys have already been abandoned by their mother, how would this plan affect them? I am so confused, and hurt. Help!

A: I would resist the urge to take your (extremely understandable) frustration, hurt, and confusion out on the kids by referring to them, even facetiously, as “your damn brats”; whatever happens between you and your husband, I hope very much that you can see his children are not responsible for his behavior. What troubles me the most is his request that you take over primary custody of his children so he can have a bachelor pad. It’s one thing to suggest living apart from one’s romantic partner; it’s quite another to abdicate daily responsibility toward your own children just because you’ve never lived in a studio. I might have more faith that your husband was trying to suggest a genuine, radical-yet-loving change in your living situation if he weren’t also asking you to become his children’s primary caregiver—it sounds to me that what he is asking is for you to become the father he no longer feels like being, while you get to see him for one date night a week. If he wants a divorce, that’s one thing, but what he’s offering is a homemade custody agreement that puts the burden of daily caregiving almost entirely on you. That’s not “keeping your relationship on track”; that’s abandonment. What he’s proposing is selfish and cruel, and you are right to reject it. Tell him that his plan is unacceptable and that you will not consider it, and hold firm. If you two end up divorcing over this—and you may—you should figure out a custody agreement that benefits the children first, and your husband’s desire to live in a loft second.

cereta

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my girlfriend, Robin, for four years. She has children from a previous marriage, and their father is fairly active in their lives. I jumped in and have taken the kids to activities, helped with homework and I pay the majority of the bills. I dearly love the children. My problem is I no longer love their mother. Robin and I are like roommates who share a bed. There is no passion, no joy together and no partnership. I spend my time with the kids or alone. She's with them at different activities or busy on her computer. When I suggest ways we could bond together, she says, I'm too tired, or I don't want to do that, or This is the way it is! I have stayed this long only for the kids, but I'm unhappy to the point of aching. I feel guilty about leaving and the strain it will put on the kids. Is there a way to leave a situation like this? Am I a bad man for wanting out and possibly leaving the children to a tougher life? -- UNHAPPY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNHAPPY: Because the woman you're living with shows no interest in improving the quality of the relationship, wanting to leave does not make you a bad person. You will have to accept that because the children depend upon you for certain things they will be affected by your departure. It's too bad you didn't consider that before moving in with someone who had a family. Try to make the breakup as civil as possible. Before you go, talk to each of the children individually. Make it clear that they are not the reason the relationship is ending and that you will always care about them. That way, they won't think they did something bad and blame themselves.

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Agony Aunt

May 2025

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petrea_mitchell - Why Tho? Are friends who question your decision to not have kids actually your friends?
conuly - Parents I think I dislike very strongly
minoanmiss - C&F: Our Three Year Old Has Suddenly Become an F-Bomb Specialist
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - Sometimes I feel like telling people they're bad parents
conuly - (no subject)
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conuly - Two letters from the same column on a very similar topic to each other
conuly - Two letters about teens and reproductive secrets
conuly - Welp, Doyin's gonna Doyin, I guess
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
petrea_mitchell - Why Tho? Should I give my unsolicited opinion to a stranger?
ysobel - Grandparental bliss upended by extreme snobbishness wtf
petrea_mitchell - Why Tho? I’m sick of feeding other people’s kids
minoanmiss - Dear Care & Feeding: CHURCH DRAMA
minoanmiss - Care & Feeding: Friend's Kid Does Terrible Talent Show
conuly - (no subject)
liv - Care and Feeding: How should we punish our kid for racist bullying?
conuly - Surprise Revelation Of Twins' Paternity Is A Family Bombshell
minoanmiss - Care & Feeding: So Proud of Your Misdeed
lemonsharks - care and feeding: to offer a character reference for unfit adopters or ... not
lemonsharks - Ask Amy: Grandma doesn't believe infant care best practices have changed since 1983, mad about it
minoanmiss - The Ethicist: Should My Daughter Speak Up About A Classmate's Plagiarized Poem?
lilysea - Dear Abby: Grandma Refuses to Take Boy's Diabetes Seriously
lilysea - Dear Harriette: "Daughter Must Become Aware"
minoanmiss - Manner Matters: Should You Tattle on Kids Sneaking Food?
cereta - Dear Prudence: My husband wants to live on his own
cereta - Dear Abby: How do I dump my girlfriend without hurting her kids?

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