Agony Aunt

Hello, Carolyn: My kids have been asking for a dog for several years, and we finally got a family puppy. We love this dog more than we ever expected!

Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles from my parents, who want nothing to do with dogs. They do, however, want to spend time with us and often complain that we don't visit enough. They don't want to house our dog, which I understand, but we can't afford a hotel room or a kennel for all the trips they want us to make.

We can't seem to come to an agreement. I say they shouldn't try to guilt us for having a life outside of them. They feel we should have never gotten a dog knowing they live so far away and can't stand dogs. What do you think?

— A Dog Convert

A Dog Convert: I think what’s truly unfortunate is that your parents think your household is about them. Wow.

It’s also unfortunate they somehow have you thinking theirs is a normal set of expectations that, to some degree, you’re obliged to find ways to address.

There is no “agreement” here to “come to,” because your parents don’t have any say in how you run your own household. None. Zero.

They also don’t have any say in how often you travel to see them, except to let you know whether and for how long you are welcome. And to limit guests to human-only, which is totally their prerogative.

If they really do want to see you, and if they’re unwilling or unable to do the bulk of the traveling themselves, then they have incentives available to them that aren’t attempts to micromanage you. They could offer you kennel money, for example, or to pay for a hotel for visits both ways. They could just trust you to do your best to come see them. They could be such pleasant company that you stretch yourselves financially to travel whenever you can.

Apparently, instead, they skipped the first page in the Unwritten Manual of Hospitality, which notes in 72-point type that if you want to see people, then don’t complain about them, to them, with any frequency that can be described as “often.”

Seriously, parents. This is not a Zodiac cipher.

My advice to you is as follows:

1. Stop arguing with people about things that aren’t their business. Any and all people, but start with your parents.

2. Actually that’s it. See No. 1.

But there are a few other things to consider that can make it all easier. First, develop a canine network of care. People you meet through your dog who love dogs can be an excellent resource when you want to travel. You dog-sit theirs, they dog-sit yours, opportunities multiply like bald spots in your backyard.

Second, if this is but the tip of the guiltberg, then please run your family dynamic by a good therapist. Boundaries work.

Third, scritch that puppy. Except for the face they give you when they want a walk, they don’t do guilt. No wonder you’re a convert.

Fourth — and pardon the layman’s overreach — introduce yourself to Merrill Markoe: merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism. “It’s not enough for a narcissist to be the center of his own world, he must also be the center of yours.” Good dog. [Woof.]

(Note: This is originally from 2005, reposted today, but it's short and sweet and I do so love the answer. And huh: we already had a names tag!)

Dear Carolyn:

My sister is pregnant for the first time, and I'm excited to become an uncle. The issue: The names she has picked out are so soap opera-esque that I want to ask how she could name her kid that. Any advice?

-- Va.

Buy her a few of those stuffed terry cloth rattles. Babies love them, they're washable, and, whenever you're about to criticize your sister's taste in names, you can stuff one in your mouth.

Dear Carolyn: I am a stepparent to a teenage girl who has recently moved in with us while her mom works in another city. So last week I got buttonholed by another kid’s parent for one of those, “You’re not a real parent, so I just wanted to let you know . . . ” talks. This other parent’s son had asked the Kid out to a school dance, Kid said, “Thanks, but no,” and asked out her crush. (He said yes, my door hinges thank him.)

According to the other parent, if she didn’t want to go with the first boy who asked her, then she can’t go at all and should stay at home knitting her nun’s habit or something.

Is this a thing? Or is this other parent just being a tool because her son got his feelings hurt?

Dance With the One That Brought You?: No, it’s not a thing, she can dance if she wants to.

Also not a thing: “those, ‘You’re not a real parent, so I just wanted to let you know . . . ’ talks.” Even if they are a thing, please treat them as if they are not, because the surest way to alienate your fellow parents as you negotiate this newish role is to approach them as if you are the eye-rolling rebel to their monolithic sense of superiority. They’re doing their thing; you’re doing yours. Take each exchange as a conversation unto itself.

Dear Carolyn:

My household received a written invitation to a birthday party for a 1-year-old. It reads, “Not every child is lucky enough to have a birthday party like A. In lieu of a gift, we are asking that you consider making a donation (of cash) to a nonprofit that claims to ‘help poor children.’ ”

What are they trying to say? That their child doesn’t deserve gifts because she’s “too rich”? Logically, does the child even “deserve” a party in the parents’ belief system?

Are the parents (middle-class liberals) having some sort of contest with their neighbors to show who’s the most enlightened, sophisticated liberal — class warfare? No gifts for A in the class struggle?

I looked into the nonprofit mentioned — the director pays herself well out of the “donations.”

I told someone the parents should turn off the leftist TV channel they watch because it’s causing them mind rot — denying their toddler presents. Your thoughts?

— Pittsburgh

Dear Pittsburgh: Thanks for the proof that people who want to get their knickers bunched will find reasons to in just about anything.

Are these parents playing by the etiquette book? No, because using the invitation to direct your guests’ gift-giving behavior is a well-established “Don’t.”

It is, however, a matter of degrees. These parents aren’t ordering you to bring them cash because they don’t want whatever you pick out. Instead, they are acknowledging their child was born into a life of plenty whereas many babies are not, and (if I may project a bit) are using this opportunity of a birthday when the kid is way too young to understand what a birthday is — much less notice or care what people bring — to do something decent for needy families.

Again, is it strictly proper for them to recruit their guests as do-gooding proxies? No. Is it sanctimonious? Certainly possible. But at least at the end of their faux-pas rainbow, some needy families get diapers and a few guests are spared from figuring out what to bring.

What’s at the end of your angry rainbow? Hosts who are blessed with your complaining about them behind their backs, by your own admission (that’s not in the etiquette books, either), and showering contempt on their beliefs in general and their attempt at generosity in particular. Within five paragraphs of self-congratulation you manage to deride them as liberals, leftists and class warriors who are — you outdo yourself here, putting words in their mouths — “denying their toddler presents” because she “doesn’t deserve gifts.”

How about doesn’t need gifts and won’t even notice their absence? An ideal gift for a 1-year-old is a chance to make a racket with your pots and pans. And since when is it wrong to value presence over presents? It’s not unheard of for children themselves to agree to, even spearhead, parties that serve as charity drives and not gift grabs.

There’s also this: When a party is for a child too young to understand birthdays, it’s safe to assume it’s just an excuse for the parents to welcome in the village. Many such hosts are very concerned their invite-the-village impulse will be mistaken for an excuse to collect gifts, and so reach for ways to discourage them. Ironic, isn’t it.

As a villager who apparently thinks your untouchable authority-given right to buy stuff is being trampled, and who apparently doesn’t think much of these parents, I suggest you politely decline the invitation.

Whether you accept the invitation or not, please do — if you can keep the relish out of your voice — notify the hosts of any published record of impropriety in their charity’s use of donations. That’s a kindness no matter what color onesies your politics wear.

Hi, Carolyn: I've got a problem with my fiance and partner of 4 1/2 years.

The good: He’s brilliant, creatively resourceful, outgoing, easy to talk to, wonderful at supporting me with my health issues, and aligns with me on so many of the big-picture goals that really matter. Kids, money, sex, family, etc. The bad: He’s stubborn, opinionated yet strongly influenced by the opinions of others, and sometimes unable to empathize. I’m no doctor, but we both believe he may have a touch of narcissism.

The problem we’re having is about my name. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable assuming his name, I don’t like hyphenation, and I don’t want to lose my middle name (which holds a ton of family history) by putting my maiden name there. I’m also a feminist and don’t think I like the tradition I would be supporting by doing this.

My understanding after several unsuccessful talks is that it matters to him because it matters to his family and society as a whole. I want to value what matters to him, but admittedly I struggle to not see that as a really stupid motivator. He is unwilling to change HIS name in any way, and refuses to even discuss alternate ways we could satisfy his needs here.

Last week we had our biggest fight yet about this. His demeanor was the embodiment of every unattractive quality within him, and none of the good. He told me that I WOULD take his name one way or another and that he wouldn’t discuss it further. This is not the way we speak to each other.

He had a real chance of talking me into it if he had come to me thoughtfully and lovingly and stated his case. But he went as far as to imply that he would not marry me unless I caved on this. (Note: Children are not in our future.)

His whole handling of this argument is making me think maybe this is a mistake. I mean, this is MARRIAGE we’re heading for. We’re planning a WEDDING. I’m feeling bullied and totally misunderstood and disrespected. We’ve been through some major trials, but we’ve never been so unable to communicate. This fight really scares me. Meanwhile, we have appointments with caterers and photographers coming up and I don’t know if we should cancel this whole thing or what. What are your thoughts?

What’s in a Name?

~~~
A “touch of narcissism” = only somewhat impressed with oneself?

I keep starting answers that break this issue down to its component parts, such as this false start: “His good traits seem to make him entertaining to know while the bad ones make him hell to live with.” Or, “This issue alone has foiled you because it’s one on which you’re both emotional and deeply invested, so you can’t fall back on having one of you (as in, you?) just care less about it than the other.” Or, “Your equivocation — ‘I’m just not sure,’ I ‘don’t think I like,’ ‘I struggle to not see that as . . . really stupid’ — leaves you particularly vulnerable to someone stubborn, opinionated and/or narcissistic.”

Or just, “Cancel or postpone every distraction — caterers, photographers, even the name argument — so you can bring a clear mind to the question of whether you’re making a mistake.”

But every time I start one of these answers, this thought overtakes it: You’ve got your hand on the doorknob, poised to exit a relationship with someone who behaves badly enough for the word “narcissist” to be in play. Can I in good conscience suggest anything, even a thought exercise or schedule adjustment, that might keep you inside?

You don’t need a medical degree or diagnosis here. If you’ve been fair in your depiction of what you’ve witnessed over the past five-ish years — that, for whatever reason, your fiance is either unwilling or unable to put anyone’s interests above his own — then you know exactly what you’re signing up for with this marriage.

So is this what you want, yes or no? How people in such a marriage would answer this question, I know without knowing — but you need to come to it on your own.