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agonyaunt2020-02-17 10:49 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-02-17 10:49 am
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Dear Care & Feeding: Private Parts Parlance Parade
I’m the father of a pair of 5-year-old twin boys, “Geoff” and “Paul.” The boys are funny and sharp and are almost always a delight but lately something, uh, delicate has come up. Their mom and I had a talk with them about the differences between girls and boys bodies and both were very attentive and interested. Maybe too interested?
Because now the two of them have begun marching around the house trumpeting “PENIS” and “PAGINA” at full volume at all hours, sometimes while waving their toy construction flags like they’re in a Thanksgiving parade. I’m not going to lie: It’s pretty adorable and funny (don’t tell them I said that).
We’ve explained to them that those are words usually reserved for private conversations, but that has only seemed to make them louder and more animated. I imagine this will pass someday, but I don’t want them to be performing their genitalia cheer at school or church or whatever. Any advice on how to tamp this down without making it seem like we are shaming them over perfectly normal human anatomy?
—Parade Pooper
Dear Parade Pooper,
I’m so happy. So happy. Thank you for this gift. You are a fortunate parent. This is why we have children, especially since we can no longer guarantee they will look after us in our old age.
My friend, you are going to have to stop reacting. Picture infectious diseases or bog bodies or whatever is a reliable source of sobriety in your home. Bite the inside of your mouth. Leave the room, pretending you need to use the bathroom, and play the theme to Brian’s Song on your phone.
More importantly, as with the farting child of recent weeks, you have to create a division between your home and the world of other humans. In your home, the parade of shrieking genitalia names may continue until they tire of it. If it happens in public, everyone gets back in the car and we go home. It’s a pain in your ass to abandon a grocery cart midstore, but you usually only have to do it once or twice.
If my personal parenting philosophy could be summed up in two main points, they would be the following:
You should try to have as much fun with this as possible while they’re with you, because you have no guarantee they will be grateful later. We live in a society with rules, and you will eventually have to spit them out into it, all damp and half-formed.
I have answered so many questions from my kids with “because we live in a society,” and the older two kinda get it, and all I can hope is someday they’ll be asked by a peer to spray-paint a nursing home and my words will jangle around their Juul-hazed brains and they’ll say “let’s go get hot-and-sour soup instead.”
Your children are a delight. Cherish them. Update me.
Because now the two of them have begun marching around the house trumpeting “PENIS” and “PAGINA” at full volume at all hours, sometimes while waving their toy construction flags like they’re in a Thanksgiving parade. I’m not going to lie: It’s pretty adorable and funny (don’t tell them I said that).
We’ve explained to them that those are words usually reserved for private conversations, but that has only seemed to make them louder and more animated. I imagine this will pass someday, but I don’t want them to be performing their genitalia cheer at school or church or whatever. Any advice on how to tamp this down without making it seem like we are shaming them over perfectly normal human anatomy?
—Parade Pooper
Dear Parade Pooper,
I’m so happy. So happy. Thank you for this gift. You are a fortunate parent. This is why we have children, especially since we can no longer guarantee they will look after us in our old age.
My friend, you are going to have to stop reacting. Picture infectious diseases or bog bodies or whatever is a reliable source of sobriety in your home. Bite the inside of your mouth. Leave the room, pretending you need to use the bathroom, and play the theme to Brian’s Song on your phone.
More importantly, as with the farting child of recent weeks, you have to create a division between your home and the world of other humans. In your home, the parade of shrieking genitalia names may continue until they tire of it. If it happens in public, everyone gets back in the car and we go home. It’s a pain in your ass to abandon a grocery cart midstore, but you usually only have to do it once or twice.
If my personal parenting philosophy could be summed up in two main points, they would be the following:
You should try to have as much fun with this as possible while they’re with you, because you have no guarantee they will be grateful later. We live in a society with rules, and you will eventually have to spit them out into it, all damp and half-formed.
I have answered so many questions from my kids with “because we live in a society,” and the older two kinda get it, and all I can hope is someday they’ll be asked by a peer to spray-paint a nursing home and my words will jangle around their Juul-hazed brains and they’ll say “let’s go get hot-and-sour soup instead.”
Your children are a delight. Cherish them. Update me.