agonyaunt | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I was deeply hurt after going to a barbecue at my oldest daughter's home. It was to celebrate my granddaughter's fourth birthday. My daughter's husband is from Thailand. He barbecued beautiful dishes of shrimp and something that looked like a gigantic crawfish. While my daughter is accustomed to and enjoys this food, she and her husband are aware that I, my husband, her sister and her niece are not accustomed to it. We simply do not like the flavor and texture.

When I asked my daughter if there were any hot dogs they could grill, at least for my 9-year-old granddaughter, she got angry and said she eats what her husband cooks. I felt our part of the family was not even being considered. I was hurt for my youngest daughter and my other granddaughter, who had literally nothing to eat that they would even remotely like. Am I wrong for feeling ignored being invited to a barbecue where my daughter knew all the food being offered were things we wouldn't like? -- RUINED MY APPETITE

DEAR RUINED: I do think you are blowing this out of proportion. I assume you have been invited to your daughter's and son-in-law's before, and knew her husband does the cooking. Before coming over, you should have asked if it would be all right to bring a few traditional American dishes with you for the children. If your offer was refused, you could have skipped the barbecue. That said, look at the big picture. It was only one afternoon. I assume the kids were taken out for burgers or hot dogs afterward, and no serious harm was done.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2021/09/20

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Normally I'd say that if you invite somebody to your home to eat, you have an obligation to make sure there is at least something they can eat.

However, in this case it seems pretty likely that the secret ingredient in those hot dogs is racism, so my sympathy for LW is pretty low.

Right? I am torn. I have shown up to a BBQ (where I was promised "We'll grill hamburgers!") with a guest who was allergic to shellfish only to find there had been a last-minute menu change to crab cakes, and I'm still pissed at the host years later. "I went to a party and the only things to eat were shrimp and crawfish" could be a serious problem for a lot of people.

...but oh god does the racism in this letter make my skin crawl.

I'm not even convinced that it's true that the only things to eat were shrimp and crawfish. There was no salad? No fruit? Nothing on the side? No dessert for the birthday girl? Seems pretty paltry, no matter what the culture.

Totally agreeing that the OP's reaction has more to do with racism than with a massive dislike of shellfish but if I was explicitly invited to an event (as oppose to someone having an open house, or wedding or otherwise large gathering or something) in which the only mains on offer were shrimp (allergies) or pork (strong aversion) and I was reassured that I would get plenty to eat because "salad, fruit, dessert, rolls" I'd be side-eying that description of "plenty to eat" pretty heavily.

Hmm, actually I'd side-eye a little at the large gathering to because if there's 50 wedding guests chances are HIGH that there are allergies / vegetarians / other issues , but my expectation that my specific dietary needs would be met would still be much lower.

As someone who does have a medical reason to not eat shrimp and crawfish, it's possible there wasn't anything else - shrimp in particular tends to get mixed into dishes, so they might not have had any "sides" that didn't involve shrimp. For obvious reasons I'm not familiar with a lot of decapod-based cuisines, but I've been to American parties where the side dishes were, like, pasta salad with shrimp, shrimp fried rice, crab soup and crab dip. I've also had to avoid, i.e., veggie tempura that was made just for me because even fry oil that has had mostly shrimp in it is a bad idea.

That said if the only objection is texture, you can eat around the shrimp in the pasta salad. And if *everybody* in the family hates the texture, one suspects part of the reason grandchild won't eat it is that they have been taught by their elders never to try new dishes if throwing a fit instead is an option.

Also, the racism.

As a non shellfish eater all my life, who has been ofttimes ticked at parties where I can eat nothing, I don't find the LW to be a reliable narrator at all.

The letter is from the mother, not from the sister (the 9 year old's mother), who is the one who had the right to make the request.
There's no indication that either the sister or the granddaughter had any problem with the Thai food, let alone any indication that either of them spoke to the hostess.
The sister presumably either didn't care, or is capable of bringing a snack for her own kid, as parents of younger kids do constantly.
"something that looked like a gigantic crawfish" -- did LW ask? Or is she talking about this food as weirdo food without having even found out what it was?
Her daughter has been with this man, presumably, for at least five years. LW says she and her husband are aware that I, my husband, her sister and her niece are not accustomed to it. She acts like this is a new fight but it's clearly an old one. LW went to the party knowing she doesn't like the Thai food and she didn't pre-game? She didn't bring snacks for the kid, or bring her own potato salad? She clearly went into this situation prepared to make a fight about food, because adults know how to handle a situation where they're unlikely to want any of the food.

Also, LW? Don't blame this drama on your other daughter and a 9-year-old, lady. You're the asshole. Maybe your other daughter is also a dick, but you undoubtedly are.

The bit about bringing snacks is a critical tell. My kid doesn't even have allergies; she's just a super-picky eater (albeit far less so now then when she would only eat like five foods). I have brought a side dish I know she'll eat to parties; I have fed her ahead of time or after or both; I have packed what amounts to a school lunch; I have gone grocery shopping as soon as we get to my mom's for a visit so I can buy her cereal/fruit/mac and cheese/etc. And aside from my mother constantly shoving milk at her (which ticks me off, because my kid gets her dairy-induced digestive issues from me), no one has ever objected.

If LW, or better yet, the kid's mom, knows the family often serves food they don't care for, why didn't they bring hot dogs to throw on the grill? Or fuck, I'm willing to bet there's a market within five minutes of the house. LW could just have gone and got some. This is basic life-with-small-children stuff, and it seriously makes me doubt that anyone besides LW is making an Issue-With-A-Capital-I over this.

I'm annoyed with the host on your behalf. AS someone who has very much enjoyed giving dinner parties that's when I'd go back to my fridge and make something nice for the person who can't have seafood.

There's a huge difference between, "I appreciate the meal you prepared, Son-in-Law, but it will in fact send me into anaphylactic shock (etc) if I eat it." and "This food is a bit foreign. I don't care for it."

There are also plenty of non-racist, non-xenophobic ways ways to say, "Hey, Family, please put the hot chilis on the side next time. The 9 year old wound up crying from dinner pain and that's not buddies."

Also, wtf, do none of these people eat rice?

I love how this terrible MIL doesnt say "i dont like this" but "the children dont like this" even though i'm assuming the kids eat their family's food just fine. unless these are some other child's children??

One child is the birthday girl, the other child is her cousin. But yeah, we only have LW's word that the rest of the family is just as intolerant as she is.

I'm side-eyeing the "accustomed to". Like it's not perfectly normal food you could find in any decent-sized restaurant row, no, it's something she had to learn to like because of her husband.

Yes, according to LW's version of events she's the only one who voiced an objection and had an alternate lunch suggestion. So who the heck knows how everybody else feels?

Also it's confusing when Abby says "kids" in reference to taking them out for hot dogs, when they're from two different families.

That confused me too! But I think it's the four-year-old who's grown up with Thai food, and a separate 9-year-old who hasn't. I had to read it twice to get that.

The LW sounds like she's a racist dick, but if they really invited a kid to a barbecue without knowing in advance that she would happily eat shellfish and served only shellfish, that was highly unwise! Mind you, it's their niece and lots of nine-year-olds will happily eat shellfish, but there's also a significant chunk of kids who won't and the LW could be telling the truth. I definitely wouldn't have eaten anything like that at her age. But I was also used to going places with my parents where there wasn't anything served that I was happy with, because I was a picky kid with parents who liked to eat out and with friends. Really, it is on the child's parents to make sure of stuff like that, and as Abby points out, it's not the end of the world if you serve food and a picky kid chooses not to eat it. They usually just get something else afterwards.

Having been to multiple family gatherings where my wife -- a known vegetarian/pescatarian -- could only eat the rolls (because the salad had bacon integrated into it), and yet somehow we still go back year after year, my heart simply bleeds for the LW and her rampaging racism. (that was sarcasm, in case it wasn't clear)

If you know that family members are going to cook things you don't like... eat ahead of time and have a plan for something to eat afterward. Go, be polite, and eat what little you can.

If you know that family members are going to cook things you don't like... eat ahead of time and have a plan for something to eat afterward.

right???? I have myriad food limitations and if I'm going to someone's house, I pre-game on food. (Unless the hosts have a history of being careful, or they check with me in advance about the menu.)

One of the things my mother taught me which was actually useful was to eat something before going to an event, any event, because you never know what might happen. The food might be three hours late because no one can light a grill. It might all not be to your taste. Everything might be covered in cheese and you can't eat cheese. the hosts might have bought one chicken to feed twenty people. The hosts might pour lighter fluid all over the food trying to cook it faster. Do what's in your power and eat first.

And this goes double if you're responsible for kids.

(Plus. LW's racism can be seen from space.)

Edited 2021-10-04 20:27 (UTC)

I am presuming it was not "only one afternoon". One does not write a letter huffing and puffing about one's appetite being ruined at a granddaughter's birthday over "one afternoon", even if the other granddaughter wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar. I spy a Missing Missing Reason!

LW has issues in her relationship with her daughter. The issues are probably spelled R-A-C-I-S-M but there's probably a lot of other things in there, too.

I think if there were any allergy or food intolerance issues, the LW would definitely have said so, given how defensive she is. Instead, we get a long explanation of how no one else in the family can stand the tastes or textures of Thai food. Not one person out of four.

It's not impossible, but it seems a lot more likely that food is a stand-in for what they really don't like about the husband.

I want to believe that this beautiful meal of shrimp and langoustine (? that's what "gigantic crawfish" suggests to me) is a flashing neon "fuck you" to a family of racists. It's just a pity that the nine-year-old niece, who's still young enough to be blameless, got caught in the crossfire.

When I started reading, I expected "deeply hurt" to mean either a physical injury or that something intentionally offensive had happened. Instead, it's just an incident where LW was served a meal she didn't like. There isn't even a mention of allergies, food intolerances, or anything else that would justify being deeply hurt! Is it really so hard to stop by a preferred fast food joint on the way home? Or to bring a dish or two of her own to the barbecue to guarantee that something she likes would be present?

And I agree with everyone else. The source of LW's complaint is likely racism.

As a vegetarian with a tonne of food intolerances [including garlic, chilli, ginger, Stevia, Sorbitol, Xylitol] and a few allergies [cinnamon]

it's good to

a) ask guests about any dietary restrictions ahead of time

b) have a range of food choices available

c) not get upset if people bring their own snacks

but the RACISM dripping off this letter was ...!

Sensory aversions to textures of food can be a very real problem (there was a case recently where a teenager went blind because of vitamin deficiency due to severe sensory aversion to food textures[1]) but the way this letter was written was so incredibly RACIST!

[1] https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/a-british-teenager-is-blind-but-not-because-of-junk-food-or-fussy-eating/

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only