Dear Care & Feeding: Babysitter Caught Between Divorcing Parents

[minoanmiss]

I’m a 17-year-old girl, and I’ve been regularly babysitting “Jack,” a little boy in my neighborhood, for almost four years. Last year, his parents separated, and are currently going through a divorce, and his mom, “Jill,” (who kept their house) has been asking me to babysit much more frequently, and to watch Jack after school while she works from home, which I’m happy to do. Jill frequently complains about her soon-to-be ex-husband to me, which is a little awkward, but kind of understandable, since the divorce sounds pretty nasty. But she also complains about him a lot in front of Jack, and associates him with bad behavior. For example, if Jack grabs three slices of pizza, she’ll tell him to make sure everyone has enough food and to not be “selfish like his dad,” or remind him to keep his room clean so he doesn’t become “a slob like his father.” I feel very awkward whenever this happens. I’m not sure how to talk to either her or Jack about this. Jack is only seven, and I feel like this could lead to him growing up believing these things about his dad, especially since it seems like Jill is going to have him for most of the week. When I interacted with his dad in the past, he seemed like a nice guy and a good father to Jack, so hearing Jill constantly disparage him is kind of uncomfortable. What should I do the next time this happens? I have tried to bring this up with my mom, but she says that it’s just because Jill is going through a lot right now, and doesn’t seem to think it could negatively impact Jack.

—Babysitting Blues in Boston

Dear Babysitting,

Even though it’s not uncommon for separated parents to behave that way, I think you have every right to be concerned about Jill’s behavior. Kids are impressionable and if they constantly hear bad things about someone from a parent, they will most likely tend to believe it.

However, at the end of the day, you work for this woman and it would be really strange for you to give her unsolicited advice on how to raise her kid—especially since you’re technically a kid yourself. If you piped up now, the chances are it wouldn’t go over well.

That said, you have to determine if her behavior makes you feel so uncomfortable that you may consider walking away from the job, and only you can answer that. If it gets to the point where you decide that your work environment is unbearable, then you should put in your notice to protect your own mental health. Of course she’ll ask why you’re planning to leave, and you can either tell her truth or just dodge the issue if you feel that she’ll fly off the handle.

If you choose to be honest, it’s going to take a ton of courage to do so for the reasons I mentioned earlier. The difference this time is your feedback is solicited, so she should expect to hear some uncomfortable truths. You can mention how the comments she makes in front of Jack make you feel uneasy, but that you know it’s not your place to question her parenting, so you think the best course of action is to leave.

At that point, she may have a moment of self-reflection and apologize or she’ll tell you to hit the bricks. Either way you win, because you won’t have to deal with that messy situation going forward.

You should never feel as if you should suffer in a job that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, and it’s an important lesson to learn early on in life.

Comments

[jadelennox]

Dear LW,

Aside from all the things C&F said, you are old enough to understand that "When I interacted with his dad in the past, he seemed like a nice guy and a good father to Jack," he was in public.

That doesn't change either reality: that Jill is being unkind to Jack, and that there's nothing you can do about it but be kind to Jack yourself or leave the job. But at 17, especially as a girl, if you don't realize that people can be pleasant in public and shitty in private, you will not only be at risk yourself but you are probably going to be the person whose friends can't tell about their assaults.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, I kind of want to find LW and take her for coffee and tell her that. (she's local!)

[melannen]

I feel like this is the rare letter where the title is actually *better* than the advice.

LW, you can't really do anything about the fact that your employer is putting her child in the middle of her messy divorce. I agree that it's not good, but it's not really anything you can speak up about.

What *is* something you can be proactive about is your employer putting *you* in the middle of her divorce. See if you can come up a way to frame it as being about your discomfort with being there when she does this. "Ms. E, it make me uncomfortable when you say things like that about Jack's father in front of me. It feels like you're forcing me to take sides in your divorce. I know everything around [Husband] been really hard for you, but that's not really something I should be hearing about as your babysitter." Or something like that.

There's probably about a 50% chance this will shame her into toning it down, even when you're not there; a 50% chance she'll react really badly, and a 50% chance she'll take it as an invite to explain to you in detail why you do need to know all about what her husband did and you should take sides. So think about what you know of her and whether it's worth a try. But it might be. But an employer dragging you into the uncomfortable details of their personal life while you're on the clock is definitely something you *do* have the right to stand up for yourself about; if you think it's worth losing the job for you, I would try it, but be ready to bug out if she does react badly.