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ermingarden(Thought the fanfic angle might be particularly interesting for this comm, even if it's otherwise not the type of question we usually discuss.)
Dear How to Do It,
An actress I’ve always had a thing for was recently cast in an adaptation of my wife’s favorite book. This is great, we can enjoy it together, right? Well, it gets more complicated: My wife loves this book SO MUCH that she has written sexy fan fiction and even cosplayed as this character on occasion, and I’ve been known to gently tease her about these “nerdy” hobbies (she also has a good sense of humor about it and laughs at herself). But now that my Hollywood crush is involved, something switched in me and suddenly, this is all very sexy—yes, yes, read me the fan fiction! Wear the costume to bed! Except, I don’t want my wife to be hurt that I didn’t find this sexy until my crush was involved and think that I’m fantasizing about the actress—which I wouldn’t be, but it would be obvious where my change of perspective came from (also, my wife kind of resembles the actress—I’ve got a type!). It feels like a waste to not use all this sexy energy, but is it my penance for making fun of her before? How do I broach this topic with her?
—Karma’s a Sexy Bitch( Read more... )
Dear How to Do It,
An actress I’ve always had a thing for was recently cast in an adaptation of my wife’s favorite book. This is great, we can enjoy it together, right? Well, it gets more complicated: My wife loves this book SO MUCH that she has written sexy fan fiction and even cosplayed as this character on occasion, and I’ve been known to gently tease her about these “nerdy” hobbies (she also has a good sense of humor about it and laughs at herself). But now that my Hollywood crush is involved, something switched in me and suddenly, this is all very sexy—yes, yes, read me the fan fiction! Wear the costume to bed! Except, I don’t want my wife to be hurt that I didn’t find this sexy until my crush was involved and think that I’m fantasizing about the actress—which I wouldn’t be, but it would be obvious where my change of perspective came from (also, my wife kind of resembles the actress—I’ve got a type!). It feels like a waste to not use all this sexy energy, but is it my penance for making fun of her before? How do I broach this topic with her?
—Karma’s a Sexy Bitch( Read more... )
An Article About Dan Savage
Sep. 23rd, 2021 03:49 pmminoanmisshttps://slate.com/human-interest/2021/09/dan-savage-advice-savage-love-criticism-interview.html
In addition to discussing Dan Savage in all his problematic, snarktastic, nuanced glory, this touches on being an advice columnist in general, which is why I thought it belongs here. It's long though, so I'm not copying it over.
In addition to discussing Dan Savage in all his problematic, snarktastic, nuanced glory, this touches on being an advice columnist in general, which is why I thought it belongs here. It's long though, so I'm not copying it over.
(no subject)
Aug. 9th, 2021 11:41 pmconulyI'm a 24-year-old gay man with a 31-year-old bi boyfriend. I've known since we got together that he's a lot more sexually experienced than I am, but it's never been a big deal before now. This weekend, he met my parents for what we thought would be the first time. But it turns out that ten years ago, during his "big bi slut phase" (his words), they had a threesome. I recognize that no one did anything wrong—they were three consenting adults—and it's not like anyone could’ve known that he and I would get together in the future. But also, my boyfriend fucked my parents! I'm mortified, he's mortified, they're mortified, and I may never be able to look at my parents again. Please help us find a way to move past this!
I Knew He Was Into Blonds
( Read more... )
I Knew He Was Into Blonds
( Read more... )
minoanmisslikeaduck ( Read more... )
minoanmiss[n.b. I haven't included the example links due to time, so you'll have to go to the article to find them] ( got your popcorn? Here's the article )
minoanmissQ. Our daughter’s choices: We recently found out our (adult) teenage daughter has dropped out of school and quit her part-time job to do online sex work. Naturally we’re not thrilled about this, but she likes to push our buttons and we know that if we object, it’ll just drive her even more. This wasn’t from some strong desire to do sex work on her part—she’s very lazy and wanted to make money without having to show up for a job everyday. For a while she was using her real name in the pictures and videos, and a quick Google search of just her name pulls them up easily (her face is visible). Recently, her relatives (aunts and uncles, grandparents, family friends) have been asking about her and our other kids, how they’re doing, and how our daughter’s doing in school. We’ve managed to tell them she’s not in school anymore, but they ask why and what she’s doing for work, and that’s where we get stuck. The last few times we were asked, we made a quick excuse to get off the phone, but I know it’s going to come up again. Our daughter begged us to not tell our family, but I don’t know what we’re supposed to do. On top of that, we’re pretty ashamed of our daughter’s choice and feel like we’re bad parents. My partner says we have to tell them and they’re going to find out eventually. I’m torn. What do we do?
A: You do not “have to” out your daughter’s work to your relatives, even if that work is easily accessible by search engine. “She’s doing freelance work online” is a perfectly acceptable answer. You can, if you like, talk to your friends about how you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship with her, that you feel shut out from her decision-making process, and that you struggle in finding ways to relate to her. You can even talk to a therapist about these things. They’re real and difficult, and you have a right to seek support as you figure out how to love your child who’s pulling away in young adulthood and making choices that are hard for you to deal with. But outing her could not only put her at risk—it might also make a future relationship with her impossible.
You don’t have to like her choices or agree with them. But outing her will not get you any of the things that you want: It won’t convince her to go back to school, it won’t facilitate mutual trust and respect, and it won’t contribute to her safety or well-being.
( a couple of reader replies )
A: You do not “have to” out your daughter’s work to your relatives, even if that work is easily accessible by search engine. “She’s doing freelance work online” is a perfectly acceptable answer. You can, if you like, talk to your friends about how you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship with her, that you feel shut out from her decision-making process, and that you struggle in finding ways to relate to her. You can even talk to a therapist about these things. They’re real and difficult, and you have a right to seek support as you figure out how to love your child who’s pulling away in young adulthood and making choices that are hard for you to deal with. But outing her could not only put her at risk—it might also make a future relationship with her impossible.
You don’t have to like her choices or agree with them. But outing her will not get you any of the things that you want: It won’t convince her to go back to school, it won’t facilitate mutual trust and respect, and it won’t contribute to her safety or well-being.
( a couple of reader replies )
ayebydanDear How to Do It,
I’m a straight woman who has a reoccurring problem with new sex partners. I insist on condoms for penetrative sex unless a relationship becomes exclusive, but I’ll engage in oral and light non-penetrative genital-to-genital contact without them. I’m well-aware those activities are not risk-free, but that’s my comfort zone. My partners are generally on board with wrapping it up at the beginning of the act, but sometimes they’ll take the condom off midway through because it diminishes their sensitivity. No one has ever slipped his penis back in pretending it’s still wrapped. The good eggs have accepted stopping for the moment, or engaged in petting or oral instead. But too often my partner has agreed not to enter me unwrapped, but will then rub his penis against me in a way that feels great and is essentially like knocking at the door begging to be let in. I’ve sometimes relented against my better judgment because I’m overcome by desire and I don’t love the feel of condoms either. One guy suggested we just do hand stuff instead, but then once I was really lost in the moment, he slipped his penis in without a word. I went stiff, and stopped it immediately, and never saw him again.
The culminated effect of these encounters has been to drastically damper my pleasure once the condom comes off. I feel hyper-vigilant about protecting my reasonable boundary, preventing me from letting go. I also feel resentful that it falls to me alone to keep the safe sex practice we originally agreed on, guilty and ashamed that I’m not getting him (and often myself) off, and sexually frustrated because I prefer condom-free sex too and it’s literally being dangled onto me. How do I reinforce this boundary without killing the mood with accusatory forewarnings or by creating an air barrier between our bodies? Or should I just jump out of bed and into a cold shower once the condom comes off? Also, can you suggest the most pleasurable condom brand (preferably one that doesn’t leave a poison taste on genitals)?
Dear Unwrapping,
I am so very sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m especially sorry that man put his ungloved penis back inside you. There’s been debate about whether that counts as sexual assault or should be illegal in a slightly different way, but it is never OK to penetrate someone without protection against their wishes. It’s also never OK to penetrate someone with protection against their wishes, just in case anyone is wondering. Frankly, I’m not thrilled with the begging types either.
For my part, I like to catch my partner’s penis between my upper and lower leg (nestled behind my knee) if it gets too close to my genitals during a romp before the condom goes on or after it comes off. It’s a bit cheeky, but does tend to keep them from risking fluid exchange. Hands work too, as do elbows, mouths, or just kicking the dude out of bed and telling him to come back when he can approach you with respect for your boundaries. I’m not sure how you can reinforce a boundary that is being ignored without killing the mood. I do think some moods are worth killing.
I can’t suggest the most pleasurable condom brand because I’m not you, so I’m not sure what works for your body. I’m sensitive to latex, so I tend to use SKYN (disclosure, I’ve worked with the company in an advertising capacity) or other non-latex but still FDA-approved condoms if the guy has a problem with my preference. Flavored condoms are a gagfest for me, but you might prefer them to the normal taste. Get some sampler packs and try some new ones out.
I just...have my rape sirens blaring. You can't change the agreements of consent. This advice seems utterly horrendous.
I’m a straight woman who has a reoccurring problem with new sex partners. I insist on condoms for penetrative sex unless a relationship becomes exclusive, but I’ll engage in oral and light non-penetrative genital-to-genital contact without them. I’m well-aware those activities are not risk-free, but that’s my comfort zone. My partners are generally on board with wrapping it up at the beginning of the act, but sometimes they’ll take the condom off midway through because it diminishes their sensitivity. No one has ever slipped his penis back in pretending it’s still wrapped. The good eggs have accepted stopping for the moment, or engaged in petting or oral instead. But too often my partner has agreed not to enter me unwrapped, but will then rub his penis against me in a way that feels great and is essentially like knocking at the door begging to be let in. I’ve sometimes relented against my better judgment because I’m overcome by desire and I don’t love the feel of condoms either. One guy suggested we just do hand stuff instead, but then once I was really lost in the moment, he slipped his penis in without a word. I went stiff, and stopped it immediately, and never saw him again.
The culminated effect of these encounters has been to drastically damper my pleasure once the condom comes off. I feel hyper-vigilant about protecting my reasonable boundary, preventing me from letting go. I also feel resentful that it falls to me alone to keep the safe sex practice we originally agreed on, guilty and ashamed that I’m not getting him (and often myself) off, and sexually frustrated because I prefer condom-free sex too and it’s literally being dangled onto me. How do I reinforce this boundary without killing the mood with accusatory forewarnings or by creating an air barrier between our bodies? Or should I just jump out of bed and into a cold shower once the condom comes off? Also, can you suggest the most pleasurable condom brand (preferably one that doesn’t leave a poison taste on genitals)?
Dear Unwrapping,
I am so very sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m especially sorry that man put his ungloved penis back inside you. There’s been debate about whether that counts as sexual assault or should be illegal in a slightly different way, but it is never OK to penetrate someone without protection against their wishes. It’s also never OK to penetrate someone with protection against their wishes, just in case anyone is wondering. Frankly, I’m not thrilled with the begging types either.
For my part, I like to catch my partner’s penis between my upper and lower leg (nestled behind my knee) if it gets too close to my genitals during a romp before the condom goes on or after it comes off. It’s a bit cheeky, but does tend to keep them from risking fluid exchange. Hands work too, as do elbows, mouths, or just kicking the dude out of bed and telling him to come back when he can approach you with respect for your boundaries. I’m not sure how you can reinforce a boundary that is being ignored without killing the mood. I do think some moods are worth killing.
I can’t suggest the most pleasurable condom brand because I’m not you, so I’m not sure what works for your body. I’m sensitive to latex, so I tend to use SKYN (disclosure, I’ve worked with the company in an advertising capacity) or other non-latex but still FDA-approved condoms if the guy has a problem with my preference. Flavored condoms are a gagfest for me, but you might prefer them to the normal taste. Get some sampler packs and try some new ones out.
I just...have my rape sirens blaring. You can't change the agreements of consent. This advice seems utterly horrendous.
commodorifiedI’m a twentysomething man who has been dating a woman for a few months now. We’re both river guides and have known each other for a few years, but it wasn’t until this summer that things really started to click. She’s funny, adventurous, and beautiful. I’ll call her Lily.
I’m embarrassed to admit this problem to anyone, but this is an anonymous advice column, so here goes.
The thing is, Lily doesn’t shave her armpits. Intellectually, I’m drawn to the fact that she’s confident enough to rock body hair. I know a million reasons why Lily’s natural body hair isn’t unsexy. But when we’re making out, and her shirt comes off, it’s a complete turnoff to me. Seeing that hair just ruins the mood.
I know that if I’d grown up in a culture where women’s armpit hair was more normal, it wouldn’t bother me. I know it’s shallow, and I feel terrible that I can’t just get over this. Am I being a jerk if I tell her how I feel? I don’t want to ask her to change for me.
( Look, you should never feel terrible about how your body responds to things. Your body does what it does, and what matters is how you decide to act on it. )
I’m embarrassed to admit this problem to anyone, but this is an anonymous advice column, so here goes.
The thing is, Lily doesn’t shave her armpits. Intellectually, I’m drawn to the fact that she’s confident enough to rock body hair. I know a million reasons why Lily’s natural body hair isn’t unsexy. But when we’re making out, and her shirt comes off, it’s a complete turnoff to me. Seeing that hair just ruins the mood.
I know that if I’d grown up in a culture where women’s armpit hair was more normal, it wouldn’t bother me. I know it’s shallow, and I feel terrible that I can’t just get over this. Am I being a jerk if I tell her how I feel? I don’t want to ask her to change for me.
( Look, you should never feel terrible about how your body responds to things. Your body does what it does, and what matters is how you decide to act on it. )
