Agony Aunt

Link.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A couple of weeks ago, I paid a visit to my older sister “Marissa” and her 2-month-old daughter “Mariah.” When Marissa commented how much of an angel my niece was, I jokingly replied that she’d better enjoy it now because by the time Mariah turns 12, she’s going to hate the sight of her. Then all hell broke loose.

She broke down crying! My younger sister, who was also there, got up and practically shoved me out the front door! Later, I got a text from my brother-in-law saying that I was not welcome at their house until I apologized. Not long after that, my mother called and chewed me out. Aren’t they taking this too far? I was just trying to be funny. It’s not like I told a dead baby joke!

—Learn to Laugh!

Dear Learn to Laugh,

Your sister is still in the delicate postpartum period, during which emotions can run high. In a state like that, the idea of your sweet little angel growing up to resent you may be a little much to handle—or at least it was for her. I would imagine that your other relatives are simply being sensitive to her emotional state, even if it feels like a bit of an overreaction. I’ll be honest: As the parent of a child at the age where she sometimes seems to hate seeing me, I don’t find anything funny about it. The easiest thing to do in this situation would be to simply apologize to your sister. Let her know that you were just being silly and didn’t mean any harm. Be particularly mindful of her feelings over the next few months (really, the next year); her life has changed drastically, and what may seem small to you may be hurtful to her.

Older column, but hoo boy. Note: Letter is second in the column.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I are in our early 30s and hoping to buy a house and start a family within the next few years, but we’re having trouble figuring out how to fit my brother into our plans. My brother has mental health struggles—primarily anxiety. My mother, who has similar struggles, has never wanted to force him to do anything that makes him anxious. Unfortunately, that has included never requiring him to see a therapist, so he is largely undiagnosed and untreated. He is 30 now, has never finished high school and has never had a job. He still lives with my mother and their relationship is unsettlingly codependent. She cleans up after him and is generally at his beck and call. That has always been their dynamic.

My issue now is that she expects me to take over for her after her death. I’ve always known that his care would be my responsibility eventually and my husband and I have discussed it extensively. Our position is that we will make sure he has a place to live, but if he lives with us he will need to be willing to move to wherever we live, coexist with kids if we have them, and maintain a reasonable level of cleanliness. (Ideally, we would also like him to go to therapy and register for disability.) If he doesn’t want to do that, we will happily help him find somewhere else to live. My mom thinks this is selfish of us. She doesn’t want him uprooted after her death and thinks we should move home to be with him. She also thinks he should have a say in whether or not we have kids. To us those feel like ridiculous asks, but her position is that he is family and as his sister I should prioritize him over our careers and any hypothetical future children.

I’ve attempted to talk with him directly, but he refuses to discuss it and will physically walk away from any conversation he doesn’t want to have. Our mom is in her 70s now, and the need to have a plan in place is feeling increasingly urgent. I worry that her complete unwillingness to put any expectations on him is going to make living with him miserable, and I am scared that her opinions (which she shares with him loudly and often) are going to color him and leave us living with someone who resents us. Am I being selfish here? Is there any hope for making our future living arrangements less of a mess?

—Selfish Sister

Dear Selfish Sister,

Your mom loves her son very much. Also, she is being ridiculous. Your willingness to let your brother—who has anxiety, which is treatable, and not a condition that makes him unable to care for himself—live with you if he meets certain conditions is extraordinarily generous. And … maybe unwise. Simply put, it sounds like he’s going to make you miserable. Think of the way he walks away from conversations that he doesn’t want to engage in? You realize he’s going to do that when you ask him to help with the dishes once a week, right?

You’re buying into the idea that responsibility for your brother will automatically transfer from your mother to you. By not questioning this, you’re being almost as codependent as she is. And you’re letting two people whose decision-making you don’t respect shape your family’s future. What if, instead, your mom’s eventual passing is a moment for your brother to take responsibility for himself? If you jump in and house him and take on the mother role—the role that you think has held him back so much—he is never going to have a reason to do the things you wish he would do.

Tell him (in writing if he refuses a conversation) that you’ve thought it over and because he is not in therapy and has not applied for disability, you’re not comfortable having him live with you. You can include information on all the resources he might need in his journey to independence, from sliding scale counselors to job training programs to support groups to local nonprofits that might help him identify affordable housing. And then stop. Don’t push. Don’t ask for updates. Don’t go back and forth with your mom. Your mantra is “They are both grown-ups. They’re making their choices and I’m making mine.”

I’m not pushing tough love as a full solution to your brother’s problems, I’m not naive, and I know that it’s really hard to survive in this country and you probably won’t be able to live with yourself if he doesn’t have a roof over his head. But he should try—and come to you, adult-to-adult, with a proposal about how living with you will look, if he’s unable to make it work—rather than being handed over like a small child in a custody exchange.

Your mom’s role as his caregiver obviously doesn’t look appealing to you. So taking it on should be an absolute last resort.

Dear Carolyn: My grandson, 14, is responsible, kind, loving and sensitive … mostly. I have a 12-year-old granddaughter, his sister, who also is a darling: creative, empathic, sensitive. I know he loves her and it’s mutual, but he constantly belittles her, since they were small. It turns into her defending herself, and he doubles down. If she hands it back, she invariably is either in trouble — or leaves the scene.

I have not been able to deal with this with any satisfaction. Explaining, scolding, ignoring — nothing. I think I lean on guilt. (Not a good railing!) And I don’t have the language to address it in a kinder, more effective way.

I don’t feel as if I was effective in this realm with my children. I reacted like my parents, and it was not good parenting. I want to do better. Any advice?

— Grandparent

Grandparent: I appreciate your honesty and lucid self-appraisal.

Both of these can help you with your grandson.

The approaches you say you’ve tried — “explaining, scolding … guilt” — are top-down corrections, authority to subject, “Do this.” Some of that is unavoidable, especially with small children, but, “Be nice!” isn’t one of the lessons best taught that way. You’re encouraging thoughtfulness and respect, not obedience, so model the respect for their (age-appropriate) autonomy that you want them to show for others’. Plus, you’re dealing with a mindful 14-year-old. You can have a conversation with him.

So get his attention in the moment, as you witness him belittling his sister — a gentle but firm, “Hey. C’mere.” Then: “I wonder how you’d feel if I talked to you the way you just talked to your sister?” If he brushes you off, then: “I’m serious. I’d like to hear what you think.” Engage him. Insist gently that he form his own response.

The more of his attention you have, and the more willing he is to participate, the more you can pack into this lesson.

Role-playing, for example. Can you demonstrate by saying to him what he just said to his sister? Will he balk at saying the same thing to you? If so, then what can he learn from that?

You can also acknowledge where you’ve fallen short yourself; it’s disarming and often effective. “We’ve been over this, you and I, but it’s still happening. I admit I haven’t always handled it well.” Admit it! Be flawed. Then: “But you’re a good person” — building him up — “and you’re old enough now to catch and correct yourself when you do this.” Using cooperation vs. scolding improves your chances for a better outcome by involving and investing him in the better outcome.

These words are all kind. As with any lessons, there’s no guarantee they’ll be effective, but they at least teach the right thing: empathy.

Instruction in the moment is best, but you won’t engage him effectively if he’s dismissive, enraged, preoccupied or heading out the door for something else. Chasing can undermine your authority, so read the room, and choose your moment wisely.

But don’t let his belittling go by unchecked, even if you choose to wait. Again, be loving and firm: “Hey, not okay.” Plant the flag, don’t budge and bring him back to it as soon as the time is right.

Dear Carolyn: My younger brother — we are both adults — calls me by an old name — one I was given at birth, and have loathed since age 3, and have not willingly used since I was 10.

The name I use — on my passport, paychecks, everything — is a shortened version of the given one. My other five siblings call me by the name I prefer.

Brother does this with the sole aim of irking me. He won't stop. He interrupts me when I'm introducing myself to people, to say, "She's really [old name]," which I grit my teeth and smilingly correct for the new (confused) friend.

I have asked him politely to stop; he laughs and says, "Okay, [old name]." I have addressed him by distortions of his own name, awfully childish and doesn't work anyway. I have laughed it off; this makes him laugh and continue to misname me. I've snapped, "Grow up already." I've deleted Facebook posts where he calls me by this name.

I have a lot of built-up, unwanted anger at this; I feel like I'm being bullied and disrespected. My objections are "overruled" as "oversensitive." I believe I am entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. I know it's a tiny problem in this big world of racism, sexual harassment, war and pestilence, and maybe it "shouldn't" bother me, but it does.

How do I get him to just stop it, without causing some kind of rift? We get along well except for this.

— Not in Fourth Grade Anymore

Not in Fourth Grade Anymore: This is not a tiny problem!

Seriously.

It is a tiny expression of a serious problem, the same problem behind every serious sub-problem you list — abuse of power. Racism and sexual harassment are abuses of power. War, an abuse of power and/or an effort to stop some other entity’s abuse of power. Pestilence? Longer story, but worsened by abuses of power.

Your brother sees power in your discomfort and seizes it whenever he can. Thus your anger: It’s a natural response to a sense of powerlessness, especially when it involves your very identity. You feel unable to define yourself on your terms, because your brother uses his leverage to grab that power from you. I felt rage on your behalf just reading your letter today.

Often methods like yours suffice to thwart bullies — yes, your brother is one — or a bully just gets bored and moves on. But since your brother apparently retains his full appetite for putting you down, you’ll need to work the levers to reclaim your authority.

First, remain calm. He feeds off your distress.

Second, be plainly truthful, without emotion, to people who witness your brother’s embarrassing act. You already have the words: “I believe I’m entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. My brother thinks otherwise.” Facts only, to fill in the salient blank: Is this warmhearted sib-roasting? No. It is not. “I apologize for my brother” is fine shorthand, calm as a pond on a windless day.

Third, trust that good people will make the connection, especially if he “overrules” you as “oversensitive” — as in, gaslights you — and don’t engage your brother on this one bit beyond your stated position. Pointedly, let him make a name for himself.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am 17, and my little sister is 7. My parents are now totally different than the parents I remember having at her age. Her allowance is much larger than mine was, they say yes to basically everything (she can have food in the living room, which was strictly forbidden), and I can’t see how she’s not going to wind up spoiled. Can I talk to my parents about this?

—Shortchanged

Dear Shortchanged,

Your parents are just old and tired and wise enough 10 years on to know what things to let slide. The allowance? Let’s call it inflation. Food in the living room? They’ve given up on that carpet, which likely is a lot less pristine after 10 years of family use.

Let it go. You’re 17. I recommend doing any one of the thousand incredibly fun things you can do that your sister cannot, and counting your blessings.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/parents-spoiling-little-sister-care-and-feeding.html

NB: All of the Annie's Mailbox columns being posted at Arcamax are reruns from a few years ago, but I still find them interesting.

( Really mean-spirited pranks )

DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, my sister "Diane" said she would like to get the family together for some professional family photos. The photographer she chose was available only on one particular day. Unfortunately, my husband couldn't get off from work that day.

Diane then suggested we take the pictures without him. I said it was inappropriate and refused. When I asked if we could use a different photographer at another time, my sister told me to forget the whole thing.

Today I was visiting my parents and I saw the family photos -- taken without me, my husband and our child. I had no idea they had gone ahead and taken the pictures without us. I am angry and hurt. I'm especially mad at my mom because she knew how bothered I was that Diane suggested excluding my husband.

Am I justified in feeling this way? Should they have waited until the whole family was able to get together? Or should I suck it up and not expect everyone to accommodate my husband's work schedule? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE IN HOUSTON

DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: Yes, yes and yes.