care and feeding: to offer a character reference for unfit adopters or ... not

[lemonsharks]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister and brother-in-law have struggled to conceive. They are starting the process of adoption. They are very religious and say they’re open to whatever child God wants to give them. But I’ve had conversations with them that make me sure they are unready to adopt a child with disabilities, and also that they don’t have the sensitivity to raise a child of a different race.

In general, I think they are ill-suited to raise children. My brother-in-law is short-tempered, and I’ve never seen him offer to help out with any domestic chores. My sister-in-law has a lot of emotional issues, and with so little support from her husband, I think she might sink under the pressure of parenthood.

They’ve asked me to be a personal reference for them. The thing is, I can’t give them my unqualified support in this area. It’s one thing to say I think they’ll be good at a job, and another to recommend a kid to their care for life! If I refuse, they’ll probably get someone from their church (where adoption is always an unqualified good) to write the recommendation. So it’s not like I can single-handedly stop them from adopting. But to agree to be a reference and then say something that might get them turned down feels cruel. What’s my responsibility here?
—Against Adoption?



Dear AA?,

If your brother and sister-in-law were able to conceive, your opinion on their fitness as parents would be something you’d have to keep to yourself. Since there is no concrete thing—addiction, criminal behavior—that you see as patently disqualifying (and that you’d be morally bound to disclose), I see a few possible scenarios here.

You write the letter and stick to the facts. (“Bill and Hillary have been married for 15 years; they make a good living; they live in a wonderful school district.”) This will make your in-laws happy, though it might make you feel uncomfortable.

You write the letter, and you are forthright about your opinions. (“Bill is old-fashioned; Hillary is fragile; I worry about their ability to parent a child of another race.”) If they ever read this letter—you don’t address whether this is confidential—your in-laws will feel betrayed, and though it might satisfy you ethically, I’m sure you won’t feel great either.

You don’t write the letter. Their adoption either proceeds or does not. This is clearly the best course of action for everyone involved. It might be impossible for you to decline your in-laws this favor without hurting any feelings. You could claim you’re simply too busy. You could suggest that maybe a friend from church would be more persuasive in this context. You could intimate vaguely that you’re not the right person for this task and let them think of that what they will. It might not be easy, but it’s clearly the right choice. Good luck.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

((I'll clean up the tags when I get home -- DW on mobile remains An Experience.)

Reproductive freedom is a right. Adoption is absolutely not.

LW is absolutely 10,000% ethically *obligated* to give the most honest reference possible for these people because the consequences for any child they adopt are so potentially heartrendingly dire.

[larryhammer]

There will be consequences for it that LW will have to face, and I can understand feeling overwhelmed at the prospect, but they are indeed obligated to do that.

(ObDisclosure: Parent of an interracial adoptee.)

[purlewe]

completely off topic. I LOVE YOUR ICON.

on topic: don't fill out the letter or do, but if you do fill it out truthfully. State up front you don't think they would be good for a disabled or an interracial adoption. Explain they come from a very conservative christian background. Let the social workers decide from what you say.

[lemonsharks]

off topic: Thank you! It's from a dollmaker I stumbled onto and fell in love with ( https://picrew.me/image_maker/154823 )

on topic: I think that's probably the most fair option. this letter makes me really glad I'm marrying into a family of lapsed catholics

[cynthia1960]

I'm wondering now about the kind of agency they are working with. If the agency is also run by conservative Xtians, your in-laws' attitudes could be classed as features, not bugs. I would say be honest in the letter, like you say upthread, it's a child's life in the balance.

OT: Icon love, is it shareable? My wife won a extra Switch in a raffle, and wants to suck me into Untitled Goose Game.

[lemonsharks]

I feel like LW should also be ready to call in social services if their family gets a child they arent auited for and/or take in a disowned queer child themselves, if worse comes to worst.

Icon is absolutely shareable! Credit deets are on my icon page ❤️

[ayebydan]

I support the LW here. Yeah, if they conceived naturally they would have no say but if they turned out to have issues parenting then that is what social services is for. Here, the LW gets a rare chance to stop bad parents getting a child. Be honest, X does so much but I have not observed Y in law do a or b which is a concern. If all is confidential go off. If not either brace yourself and do the right thing and be honest in your report or refuse to do it and say why. 'I can't say X is rosy when Y is lazy'. If their church back them up that is on them not you.

[redbird]

Or, if the letters are confidential, write one that says something like "My sister and her husband very much want a child. However, I think they're offering more than they might actually be able to give, and in particular I don't think they'd be good parents for a child of a different race."

That's a harm minimization approach: maybe they'll still be allowed to adopt, but a child they'd be more capable of taking good care of.

LW could also write a letter praising their sister, and saying of the brother-in-law only a bare fact like "he's been married to my sister since $year"--with the hope that they'll read between the lines of what isn't said.

I also have some doubts about LW, who says "never seen him offer to help out with any domestic chores," with the implication that household maintenance, cooking, etc. are women's job, but a husband should help out some, and a really supportive man will occasionally volunteer.

[lemonsharks]

I came out of a conservative Christian household, so I very biased about conservative religious people (especially Christians).

I don't believe anyone who is an active participant in that lifestyle, which regularly teaches it's children that they face eternal, tortuous damnation from a young age, and that they are sinners unworthy of any better than that tortuous damnation but for Jesus' grace, is a fit adoptive parent.

To say nothing of the prejudice against queer folks, members of other religions, or the insidious racism that wends its way through many conservative white churches.

Tbh if I don't think those folks are fit parents in general.

Edit: I know this sounds harsh. I really do think there is no ethical choice for the LW besides doing everything in their power to prevent their in-laws from adopting, for the sake of the child they may be handed.

[eva_rosen]

Not to mention the child would have a judgemental, nosy asshat as a relative, which is also not advisable. I'd say LW cut themselves from their in laws' life sooner than later, for everyone's sake. Oh and that aside about not being able to have an opinion if they were to conceive naturally? That didn't sound creepily like they would somehow be up for if possible, which is something that has been done to other groups of people whom other 'well meaning' people thought shouldn't have children, so nice going there, too.

[lemonsharks]

The following statements are not equivalent.

LW: Eugenics are awesome!

and

LW: If my relatives conceived a biological child, as is their right, I would keep my opinions of their abilities as parents to myself until given reason to voice those opinions

[jadelennox]

The thing is, the LW isn't judgemental inappropriately, because they write "They’ve asked me to be a personal reference for them".

That is the siblings actively requesting that the LW judge their fitness as adoptive parents, and to be nosy about whether LW thinks their household would be a good one for children.

Now, my general response when I've been asked to write a job or grad school reference for someone I can't honestly recommend has always been to say "I don't think I'm the best person to write this letter. You should ask someone else." I know people who choose to write the letter instead, without telling the asker. Obviously the stakes are different for adoption, and I'm glad the choice isn't mine to make.

But it's unarguably true that anyone who, asked for a recommendation letter, chooses to blithely write a positive one without being nosy, contemplating the situation, and judging it good or bad in their own (personal/professional/pastoral/familial) opinion, and writing a letter honestly based on their own best judgement, is failing. Be honest or refuse to write the letter, but no matter what, the LW was asked by the siblings themselves to judge.

[minoanmiss]

Oh God this letter.

Hey, LW, from a better poet than I am:

Once to every man and nation
Comes the moment to decide
In the strife of truth with falsehood
For the good or evil side.

If your relatives ask you why you didn't unequivocally recommend their disaster-in-the-waiting household to take in a vulnerable child, you can sing that hymn to them.

[lemonsharks]

Hear, hear

[lilysea]

Dear LW,
I think you should write an honest letter to the social worker/adoption agency.

Would these parents be good parents for a gay/queer/bi child?

What about a trans child?

Unlike race, it's very hard to avoid adopting LGBT children, because they don't know until they're 9 or 12 or 15...

Be honest about these issues in the letter - the child doesn't deserve to eg be made homeless at 15 because they are trans.

[cynthia1960]

Yes this!

[conuly]

AA - are you willing to take in this kid in the event of a failed adoption? Are you willing to track them down if the parents attempt to "rehome" on their own? Are you happy calling social services if your relatives turn out to be even worse than you think?

No? Then be honest.

And I'm going to be blunt here. There are a lot of murders of adopted children by "very religious parents", particularly religious parents of a more conservative bent. Disabled and LGBTQ kids are always at a higher risk of harm than others, but even without those confounding factors.... Some people get into adoption because they want to adopt, and some people do it because they want to Save a Child. And in the latter case, they're not always willing to accept that the child they save may not be brimming over with gratitude for the favor, at every minute of every day, and obedient and complaint and cheerful.

[cynthia1960]

And this! It sounds like these folks would have a hard time with any child that isn't obedient, compliant, and cheerful, no matter what genome the child has.