Care & Feeding: How do I integrate my dying friend's daughter into my family?

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding, When my son James was 4, I divorced my abusive ex-husband Mark. Mark and I got equal custody of James. Mark then moved in with his girlfriend, Martha, and her toddler daughter, Katie. Mark has since gone to prison for serious charges, and after Mark’s arrest, Martha and I became good friends. We live close to each other. Because I was working from home and Martha was working in-person, even at the height of the pandemic, I often watched Katie.

James is now 8, and Katie is now 5. The two of them have a really sweet relationship. Martha has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and will die within a few months, and Martha has asked me to be Katie’s guardian. Katie is an amazing kid, and I am more than happy to take her in. There are two issues that I am anticipating that I would like advice on how to deal with.

One is that Katie really doesn’t look anything like my son and me. We’re all white, but James looks exactly like me (darker skin, curly darker hair, typical Mediterranean features) while Katie has fair skin and light brown hair. I have been caring for Katie while Martha is dealing with her illness. When we go out, people often ask if we’re related, which makes Katie feel upset. I know it isn’t an issue to the same extent as it is for parents of mixed-race or interracially adopted children, but is there any way to minimize these statements or make them easier for Katie to ignore?

Another thing is that Martha’s home has very different expectations and boundaries than my home does. For example, Martha expects Katie to eat everything that’s put on her plate, whereas I do not. My kids have a strict bedtime with very few exceptions, and Martha doesn’t. Katie’s life is going to be very tumultuous, and I want to make sure that she has the smoothest possible transition into my home, given the circumstances. At the same time, I’m not entirely sure I want to change a lot of the rules in my house for Katie, only to change them back when things settle down. How can I help Katie transition into our home comfortably?

I am not comfortable in chaos, and when immersed in it, I know I tend to fixate on things that I have control over. So, are these even things I should be worrying about?

— We’ll Be a Family

Dear WBaF,

I am so sorry that your friend is dying, but I’m happy that Katie will have a familiar and warm home to welcome her when that day comes. To know that she is loved and wanted is the most important thing you can offer her in this transition, so although you want to try to plan for all the things ahead, please know that you already have the big stuff covered.

Structure and context will also be important for Katie’s adjustment to your home. I would recommend that you keep your household rules as they have always been, but have explicit conversations with Katie so that she understands the rules and how they differ from what she is used to. You want her to recognize that she will have to acclimate to the new space and routine, without feeling like she’s at sea. That said, find opportunities for her to have a say in things when possible. Work her favorite dinners into the rotation, or incorporate the bedtime routine she had with her mom (even if you’re stricter on the actual bedtime); these are easy accommodations that can help the transition feel more like blending a family and less like piling changes on one little girl.

As to the inquisitive strangers out in the world, sighhh. Craft a few responses to have in your pocket. Phrases like “we are a family” don’t offer strangers any information they aren’t entitled to, and it signals to Katie that she belongs and that you have her back. (It also avoids words like “I am her mom” which might feel to Katie like she’s betraying Martha.) You’ll find lots of inspiration for responses online—this mom has some great perspectives on the topic. Unfortunately, from what I know of the adoption experience, questions like this are unlikely to go away anytime soon. Even well-intentioned people can use language that hurts; phrases like “given up for adoption” or comments that paint you with a saintly brush for “taking in this poor child” are engrained in our verbiage but can nonetheless sting. You can’t prevent it all, and it may be hard to predict which ones will hurt for Katie, so focus your efforts on weathering the storm together as a team of three.

—Allison