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Care & Feeding: Theresa the Bully
Jun. 9th, 2024 09:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minoanmiss My son will be in second grade next year. Our elementary school is small and there are only two classes for every grade level. In kindergarten, he had a classmate “Theresa,” who bullied him and also other kids. It was very hard to get help from teachers and the administration about this because Theresa is mildly autistic and is part of the special needs program. But name-calling, hitting, and making up mean stories have nothing to do with autism. For first grade, I was able to get a promise that my son and Theresa would be in separate classrooms. My son has thrived and made friends and did great this year. He still saw Theresa at lunch and recess, and she was still mean to him, but it sounds like he had friends around him to make it easier, and his first grade teacher intervened much more firmly than they did in kindergarten. Now that the school year is over, I made a request to keep them separated next year. The principal said she would not promise anything, and that enough time had passed that she didn’t see it as an issue. From parent gossip, I’ve learned that other parents have also tried to separate their kids from Theresa, which is probably why I’m getting pushback. I’m so frustrated. My son cried multiple times a week in kindergarten, and it took a lot of effort to bring him back from hating school last year to successfully making friends and enjoying activities this year. What do I do?
—Don’t Break What’s Working! <
Dear Don’t Break,
First: I’m not sure you’re the best judge of what does and does not “have to do” with autism. Second: I implore you to step back a bit and try to see the big picture. Multiple parents are begging the school to keep Theresa, a child, isolated from their children. Whatever the root causes of this child’s behavior, she is troubled and in pain. What is it you would have the principal do? Keep Theresa in a room of her own? Keep her only among children whose parents haven’t noticed that she’s struggling and lashing out?
I’m not suggesting I don’t understand your focus on keeping your child safe and happy. But when the issue is another child the same age—yes, even when that other child is “mean”—your wish for your child’s happiness shouldn’t come at the other child’s expense. That would be a cruelty much greater than Theresa’s. Unlike her, you’re a full-grown adult who should know better.
Besides: A second grader isn’t a kindergartener. Naturally, you should continue to be attentive to how he’s feeling as the new school year begins. But keep in mind that he will be much better equipped this coming year to handle Theresa’s behavior toward him (as he exhibited at lunch and recess in first grade) and that the second grade teacher will be better prepared—because there’s now two years’ worth of information—for possible problems that may require a teacher’s intervention. And it’s not so terrible for your child to learn strategies for dealing with people he finds difficult or even painful to be around (he will be having to do this his whole life, as we all do)—in fact, schooling at this age isn’t only about learning language arts and math and science (etc.) skills; it’s also about learning social and interpersonal skills of all kinds. And then there are the lessons you will be teaching him: about resilience, inclusion, empathy, and not running away from problems.
—Michelle
—Don’t Break What’s Working! <
Dear Don’t Break,
First: I’m not sure you’re the best judge of what does and does not “have to do” with autism. Second: I implore you to step back a bit and try to see the big picture. Multiple parents are begging the school to keep Theresa, a child, isolated from their children. Whatever the root causes of this child’s behavior, she is troubled and in pain. What is it you would have the principal do? Keep Theresa in a room of her own? Keep her only among children whose parents haven’t noticed that she’s struggling and lashing out?
I’m not suggesting I don’t understand your focus on keeping your child safe and happy. But when the issue is another child the same age—yes, even when that other child is “mean”—your wish for your child’s happiness shouldn’t come at the other child’s expense. That would be a cruelty much greater than Theresa’s. Unlike her, you’re a full-grown adult who should know better.
Besides: A second grader isn’t a kindergartener. Naturally, you should continue to be attentive to how he’s feeling as the new school year begins. But keep in mind that he will be much better equipped this coming year to handle Theresa’s behavior toward him (as he exhibited at lunch and recess in first grade) and that the second grade teacher will be better prepared—because there’s now two years’ worth of information—for possible problems that may require a teacher’s intervention. And it’s not so terrible for your child to learn strategies for dealing with people he finds difficult or even painful to be around (he will be having to do this his whole life, as we all do)—in fact, schooling at this age isn’t only about learning language arts and math and science (etc.) skills; it’s also about learning social and interpersonal skills of all kinds. And then there are the lessons you will be teaching him: about resilience, inclusion, empathy, and not running away from problems.
—Michelle
minoanmissContent advisory: blatant sexual harassment of minors, plus one of said minors condoning the harassment. ( Read more... )
livI really liked Nicole Chung's response to a tricky parenting question.
( racist bullying of an Asian-American child by another child )
( racist bullying of an Asian-American child by another child )
minoanmissMy daughter spends half her school day in an arts high school, the other half in a traditional high school. Recently, she shared with me instances in which one of her peers had plagiarized in the arts school and cheated on exams in the regular high school. She told me that her peer is considered, by teachers in the art school, to be a superior writer.
One afternoon she came home from the arts school upset because the cheater read aloud a supposedly original poem that my daughter recognized as having been written by a former student. She quietly pointed out to the cheater that she recognized the work. The cheater shrugged.
I think my daughter has an obligation to stop the cheating by informing the teacher. I suggested that she photocopy the original poem and give it to the teacher and allow the teacher to reach her own conclusions. I think that my daughter is loath to do anything because in part she is upset about being upstaged by a cheater. I think this emotional sidebar is secondary to the fact that the cheater is stealing from the whole class: Writing from the cheater is not a good sample for others to workshop because it is not original and taints the learning opportunities of the other students. At the traditional high school, the cheater’s test scores may also wrongly modify the grading curve, which affects the grades of all other students in the class.
My daughter’s friends independently became aware that this student is a cheater and plagiarizer. They urged my daughter to “rat” on the cheater. I wish these friends had informed teachers before now. It seems unlikely that the friends are willing or able to join together to talk to a teacher. But I really want my daughter to take a stand here. Am I wrong? Name Withheld
Young people belong to a world of group norms, and a central one favors loyalty to their peer group over the authority of their elders. In ordinary circumstances, “ratting out” a peer violates that norm. A member of the group can get away with it if others regard the wrong in question as itself a betrayal of the group and as a serious violation. They aren’t likely to be impressed by your specific objections — your point about its effects on the grading curve or your claim (which I don’t quite get) that a good poem is a bad sample if it’s stolen. The norm violation that will register, oddly, is the cheater’s showing off, the effort to make himself or herself look better than the rest. The cheater’s classmates will have resented what your daughter resented: being upstaged.
The real reason this young person should be reported is that what he or she has done is wrong. Yes, cheating of this sort does slightly damage other people, by misrepresenting their relative capacities. It may also be bad for this young person if it brings him or her to a place where expectations of his or her performance are higher than they should be: The cheater may have to keep cheating to maintain appearances, thereby increasing the likelihood of being found out and discredited. But the heart of the wrong here is that the cheater is deceiving teachers, taking advantage of their good will and the unearned respect they have for him or her. Honesty, like all virtues, entails a whole complex of attitudes and behavior.
You, like some of her classmates, want your daughter to take sole responsibility for seeing that this wrong is recognized and punished. Upholding the value of honesty, in this way, would make sense if she were the only person who was in a position to do so. But she isn’t. And it would be cowardly of her friends to have her bear all the social risk here. A better solution is at hand: A group of those who know what’s going on should come forward together. You doubt that they’ll do this. But has anyone asked them to? And isn’t that the first thing for your daughter to work toward?
She could, of course, just slip the evidence to the teacher anonymously, or she could inform the teacher along with a request for confidentiality, assuming she thinks the teacher would respect that request. Why am I suggesting the other approach, then? Because the collective affirmation of honesty would be a better outcome for her peer group. They could think of themselves as having chosen to speak out against cheating. And that might help them keep to that norm in subsequent years. Nothing fixes a value in your mind better than having stood up for it together with your friends.
One afternoon she came home from the arts school upset because the cheater read aloud a supposedly original poem that my daughter recognized as having been written by a former student. She quietly pointed out to the cheater that she recognized the work. The cheater shrugged.
I think my daughter has an obligation to stop the cheating by informing the teacher. I suggested that she photocopy the original poem and give it to the teacher and allow the teacher to reach her own conclusions. I think that my daughter is loath to do anything because in part she is upset about being upstaged by a cheater. I think this emotional sidebar is secondary to the fact that the cheater is stealing from the whole class: Writing from the cheater is not a good sample for others to workshop because it is not original and taints the learning opportunities of the other students. At the traditional high school, the cheater’s test scores may also wrongly modify the grading curve, which affects the grades of all other students in the class.
My daughter’s friends independently became aware that this student is a cheater and plagiarizer. They urged my daughter to “rat” on the cheater. I wish these friends had informed teachers before now. It seems unlikely that the friends are willing or able to join together to talk to a teacher. But I really want my daughter to take a stand here. Am I wrong? Name Withheld
Young people belong to a world of group norms, and a central one favors loyalty to their peer group over the authority of their elders. In ordinary circumstances, “ratting out” a peer violates that norm. A member of the group can get away with it if others regard the wrong in question as itself a betrayal of the group and as a serious violation. They aren’t likely to be impressed by your specific objections — your point about its effects on the grading curve or your claim (which I don’t quite get) that a good poem is a bad sample if it’s stolen. The norm violation that will register, oddly, is the cheater’s showing off, the effort to make himself or herself look better than the rest. The cheater’s classmates will have resented what your daughter resented: being upstaged.
The real reason this young person should be reported is that what he or she has done is wrong. Yes, cheating of this sort does slightly damage other people, by misrepresenting their relative capacities. It may also be bad for this young person if it brings him or her to a place where expectations of his or her performance are higher than they should be: The cheater may have to keep cheating to maintain appearances, thereby increasing the likelihood of being found out and discredited. But the heart of the wrong here is that the cheater is deceiving teachers, taking advantage of their good will and the unearned respect they have for him or her. Honesty, like all virtues, entails a whole complex of attitudes and behavior.
You, like some of her classmates, want your daughter to take sole responsibility for seeing that this wrong is recognized and punished. Upholding the value of honesty, in this way, would make sense if she were the only person who was in a position to do so. But she isn’t. And it would be cowardly of her friends to have her bear all the social risk here. A better solution is at hand: A group of those who know what’s going on should come forward together. You doubt that they’ll do this. But has anyone asked them to? And isn’t that the first thing for your daughter to work toward?
She could, of course, just slip the evidence to the teacher anonymously, or she could inform the teacher along with a request for confidentiality, assuming she thinks the teacher would respect that request. Why am I suggesting the other approach, then? Because the collective affirmation of honesty would be a better outcome for her peer group. They could think of themselves as having chosen to speak out against cheating. And that might help them keep to that norm in subsequent years. Nothing fixes a value in your mind better than having stood up for it together with your friends.
ceretaDEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin and I have been close for all my life. We are about the same age, and we go to the same college. We applied to all the same schools and even have the same major. It has been fun having her to share the college experience with.
This morning, I received a text message from my cousin asking me to write a research paper for her. She offered me compensation for this. I was stunned. I have never even thought about having someone else do my work. I warned her about plagiarism and that her academic integrity is being placed on the line. How can I get the point across that she should never try to get out of doing her own work? -- Not Your Words, Syracuse, New York
DEAR NOT YOUR WORDS: It is doubtful that you can change your cousin’s mind about her unethical behavior. What you can do is put your foot down and let her know where you stand. Have a sincere conversation with her. Talk about your life together and all the things that you have enjoyed together over the years. Remind her of how excited you both were when you got into the same college. Impress upon her how special you believe it is that the two of you are on this journey together. Then, tell her that you do not think it is honest or wise to blur the lines the way she has suggested. Tell her that you absolutely will not write a paper for her, and that you do not think this is a path she should travel. Urge her to dig in and do the work herself.
This morning, I received a text message from my cousin asking me to write a research paper for her. She offered me compensation for this. I was stunned. I have never even thought about having someone else do my work. I warned her about plagiarism and that her academic integrity is being placed on the line. How can I get the point across that she should never try to get out of doing her own work? -- Not Your Words, Syracuse, New York
DEAR NOT YOUR WORDS: It is doubtful that you can change your cousin’s mind about her unethical behavior. What you can do is put your foot down and let her know where you stand. Have a sincere conversation with her. Talk about your life together and all the things that you have enjoyed together over the years. Remind her of how excited you both were when you got into the same college. Impress upon her how special you believe it is that the two of you are on this journey together. Then, tell her that you do not think it is honest or wise to blur the lines the way she has suggested. Tell her that you absolutely will not write a paper for her, and that you do not think this is a path she should travel. Urge her to dig in and do the work herself.
