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Gimme a quilt!
Dear Eric: My sister-in-law made quilts for two of her nieces. They unwrapped them to oohs, aahs and applause on Christmas Eve at my house. My daughter did not receive a gift. I sent a polite email to sister-in-law explaining that my daughter was disappointed. I received a snail mail reply that included a gift certificate and a note. Sister-in-law wrote that I was a bully and stated that she would never set foot in my house again. She hasn’t for several years. What should I do?
— Stitchy Situation
Situation: Your sister-in-law’s reaction was a bit extreme, all things considered (or at least all things detailed in your letter). This suggests to me that maybe there’s something else under it for her, whether it’s other issues she has with your relationship or a sensitivity around the particular gift. Or maybe her feelings were hurt by your email, even though it was polite.
The best way to sort it all out is by asking. It’s been years and she hasn’t come back, so I’m curious what your relationship is like outside of visits. Has this escalated to grudge territory? Does she speak to you at all? If she doesn’t, you may have to make a bigger gesture in order to reset things. Telling her, “I don’t like what happened between us” and “I’m sorry for my part” could help lay a foundation for reconciliation.
Try, if you can, not to let the conversation get too caught up in what happened years ago, though. The gift card, the email, et cetera. All the details can become places where you both get stuck relitigating and rehashing. Instead, focus on the objective of the conversation — you want to re-establish contact. It will also help to have a concrete goal, as well as an emotional one. Perhaps something like extending an invitation for her to come for lunch.
If she’s not receptive to a phone call or face-to-face conversation, an email or letter will work, but a spoken conversation is vastly more effective.
— Stitchy Situation
Situation: Your sister-in-law’s reaction was a bit extreme, all things considered (or at least all things detailed in your letter). This suggests to me that maybe there’s something else under it for her, whether it’s other issues she has with your relationship or a sensitivity around the particular gift. Or maybe her feelings were hurt by your email, even though it was polite.
The best way to sort it all out is by asking. It’s been years and she hasn’t come back, so I’m curious what your relationship is like outside of visits. Has this escalated to grudge territory? Does she speak to you at all? If she doesn’t, you may have to make a bigger gesture in order to reset things. Telling her, “I don’t like what happened between us” and “I’m sorry for my part” could help lay a foundation for reconciliation.
Try, if you can, not to let the conversation get too caught up in what happened years ago, though. The gift card, the email, et cetera. All the details can become places where you both get stuck relitigating and rehashing. Instead, focus on the objective of the conversation — you want to re-establish contact. It will also help to have a concrete goal, as well as an emotional one. Perhaps something like extending an invitation for her to come for lunch.
If she’s not receptive to a phone call or face-to-face conversation, an email or letter will work, but a spoken conversation is vastly more effective.
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What LW should do is apologize for being a entitled jerk and not expect that a late apology is going to mend the relationship.
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I still think that LW thinks they are entitled to someone else's labor because of a family relationship, and that is a hard NO from me.
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Is it a jerk move to give something to people in one category (such as nieces) in front of other people from that category during a shared gift holiday (unlike birthdays, which are a personal gift occasion), without giving similar to all of them? Sure. But calling them on it is never going to go well.
There may be reasons why Aunt chose to gift Nieces 1 and 2 but not 3 - maybe 3 is a lot younger and Aunt was intending to give them one when they’re heading off to their adult lives like 1 and 2, for example. But that could have been addressed by explaining to 3 ahead of time why she isn’t getting one right now but will later, or by privately giving 1 and 2 their quilts when 3 wasn’t there. It was poorly handled since neither LW or the daughter knew why the daughter got excluded.
But regardless, there was no world in which calling SIL on it would have gone well. What was LW expecting, that SIL would genuinely be like “oh my god, I forgot you had a daughter that’s also my niece, I’ll get started on her quilt right away”?
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Is the bullying about the functional request for a quilt for the kid or something else? If it’s about the quilt, well, it’s socially inept, definitely, but doesn’t rise to the level of buillying at all, unless there’s something else missing here.
No one gets to demand handmade pieces as a present; the SIL did send a belated gift certificate, which isn’t nothing. Maybe she really didn’t know this niece yet/well, and didn’t realize the expectation would be for gifts for all? There are a lot of family traditions that are easily missed unless noted explicitly….
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How old are the daughters/nieces, for one thing? If they are adults, the LW was even more wrong to put her oar in.
Another letter where it feels like this is only the tip of the iceberg.
LW was wrong to try to control what someone else does in this situation. I am all about protecting one's kids if the kids are in danger but all that perhaps happened was that the SIL was showing favoritism, which the LW getting involved in is not going to help, regardless of the age of the daughters/nieces.
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The former is legit; if you're giving gifts to other family kids in another relative's home, you should have *something* for the hosting family member's kid.
The latter -- no, your daughter isn't automatically entitled to a quilt just because sis-in-law made them for other nieces.
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2. The correct person to express Daughter's disappointment was - well, probably nobody, but if it absolutely had to be said then it was Daughter, if she's a teen or adult, or LW's partner/SIL's sibling.
3. The gap in this story is big enough to drive a whole submarine through, sideways.
4. On the off chance that SIL is massively overreacting, which I really doubt, then the correct thing for LW to do is to celebrate that she doesn't have to have her over as a houseguest anymore.
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If it has been years, the ship may have sailed and you firmly in your s-i-l's mind as an entitled jerk.