agonyaunt | Entries tagged with biological family

1. DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my daughter went "no contact" with both sides of our family -- grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, as well as cousins. Since then, I have been struggling with how I should answer acquaintances who ask, "How is she doing?" as well as those who ask, "Do you have children?"

I have been told by friends and family that I should tell the acquaintances that I don't know why because she doesn't speak to the family. However, I have found this response leads to more uncomfortable questions. I am embarrassed to have to tell people "Yes, but she does not speak to us" -- and worse, try to answer "Why?" Lately, I have been telling people, "No, we don't have children" so I won't have to explain.

Can you advise me how I can answer these questions without explanations, embarrassment or lies? -- FORMER PARENT IN WASHINGTON

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2. DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.

I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).

I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like "Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you." Was I wrong? -- NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: My father is ill and wants me to reconcile with my twin sister, who is mentally, physically and financially abusive to me to the point of my cutting her entirely out of my life a couple of years ago. He insists we repair our relationship, which I view as irreparable given her boundary issues and continued abuses. I won’t do it.
But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.

I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.

— Twin

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: I am a 26-year-old man and don’t feel like I can unload this on anyone I know. My parents’ divorce is ripping me up. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears at random moments of the day. My mom left my dad because she found out he’d been cheating with an 18-year-old girl, so the divorce is messy. Dad is alone in their gigantic house, gutted because it’s over with his girlfriend and he lost my mom to a short, stupid affair. He wants to save their marriage, but my mom won’t even talk to him, and he’s going crazy. My mom is heartbroken and wrecked in her own way and has moved to my aunt’s.

I’m splitting my time visiting them both two or three times a week. I feel responsible to check on them, more so my dad because he’s so depressed. It’s scary, but I am losing hope that things can get better for any of us.

When I’m not working or with them, I read and work out to stay busy, but it’s not helping. It sounds pathetic, but I just wish someone would pat me on the back and tell me it’s all gonna be okay. I don’t believe it anymore because I lost the family and childhood home I knew. I am trying to avoid self-pity, but I don’t see a good outcome.

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conuly

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have been in the Maintenance Stage of my addiction recovery program for almost three years. It was a hard road for me and my family, and I am working hard to stay clean and never again abuse my family or myself.

My mom and dad have been great. Same for my older sister and her husband. I have an uncle, though, who I was always close to all the time I was growing up and right up until the time I was lying to and stealing from my family and friends to first cover up and then support my addiction.

He came one time to see me when I was in my third rehab. He barely talked to me and left after only a few minutes. Since then he avoids me if we run into each other at someone in the family’s house or out in public.

It hurts like hell that he won’t accept that I am clean, working hard to stay that way, and could really use his forgiveness and support.

What more can I do to have him accept me back into his life, or at least to allow me to make peace with him? --- MISSING MY UNCLE

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous

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conuly

1. Dear Prudence,

My sister is three years younger than me and has crippling anxiety. She will not dip a toe out of her comfort zone, which is basically just our family. She has zero friends besides me. My male cousins were able to get out of babysitting her by the time they were in middle school. I was stuck until high school graduation. I couldn’t have friends over and not include her. I couldn’t go out with friends and not include her. My parents forced me to rearrange my lunches in high school when she started so she wouldn’t be alone. I went into 4H because my sister has an intense fear of animals and birds (she will have a panic attack if a chicken wanders up near her). Supposedly, she was in therapy and on medication, but she only got worse as she got older. She threw a fit when I went to community college near a relative rather than stay here. My parents threatened to not help me pay and only backed down after my grandmother got involved.

Now, I am 23 and in a serious relationship. My sister managed to graduate high school but she has never had a job and going to community college is too “hard.” I brought my boyfriend home for the first time, and my sister acted like a jealous ex. She wanted to be velcroed to my side and hated if my boyfriend even touched me. She cut him off in conversation and even told him to shut up when someone asked about our future plans. I finally pulled my sister aside and told to stop acting creepy and needy or we would be leaving. She had a very public fit, so we left. My parents are furious and accused me of deliberately triggering my sister. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know if I should cut my immediate family off. My sister is an adult even if she is dysfunctional. My parents refuse to hold her to any reasonable standards, and I am sick of my life being held subordinate to her whims. I am also scared of being alone and on my own. I just want normal here. What should I do?

—Sister’s Keeper

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a fun, creative, and sensitive 5-year-old son. Earlier this month, he had a bad virus and was hospitalized for weeks. He’s (thankfully!) fine now, but one of the outcomes seems to be a lot of unprocessed rage. Two weeks out of the hospital and the most minor of things will set him off screaming and melting down. This behavior is completely new to us (previously he was prone to cry and take some space if he was upset). The sorts of things that set him off are: dinner not being ready, a play date coming to an end, a friend interrupting him while he’s talking. And even when I (his mother) am not the “cause” of his rage, it will often be directed at me.

I wonder if this is because I’m the safe harbor for his feelings or (more upsettingly) if it’s because he views me as complicit in some uncomfortable medical moments (e.g., holding him still for blood tests and the insertion of IVs). His meltdowns mostly (but not always) occur at home, and I don’t want to overreact to what may be a short-term problem as his emotions level out. But I also don’t want to just stand by if there’s something to be done that might help him. Currently, I’m trying to talk to him about his feelings, reiterating my unconditional love, and acknowledging how hard it’s been for him. When he does act out in school, his teachers are being understanding—but I fear that, as time passes, their sympathy will wane. Do you have any advice? Would a therapist be overkill? How long might this go on for? I don’t know any children who’ve had similar experiences so I feel a bit at sea!

—Relieved but Now A Scapegoat

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: I am uncomfortable about being touched. I have been this way all my life. As a child, my parents forced me to hug and kiss relatives, and if I protested, I was reprimanded. I remember being dragged and pushed toward people.

After I became an adult, I decided to tell people I no longer want to be hugged or kissed. While most people respect that, my parents do not. They hug me even more often now, and think it's funny. They laugh as they do it and say, "Oh, you don't like this, do you?!"

When I protest, they start with the guilt trip, telling me they are my parents and they are allowed to touch me. My mother gives an exaggerated sigh and looks down like a child who's been deprived of a toy.

They can't get it through their heads that this is about me, and not them. They have told me that I've "gone weird," but this isn't something new. As a child, I couldn't speak up because I was chastised for it. How can I get them to respect my boundaries? I don't want to start a feud, as they are good to me in every other way, but I'm starting to dread seeing them. -- KEEP OFF IN SCOTLAND

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: Is being truthful always the way forward? For the first 10 years of our committed relationship, my wife’s family disowned her and us because we are two women. We became parents through kin adoption, and the in-laws slowly forged a relationship with us and our kids. Our kids have deep, meaningful relationships with their grandparents.

We sent out a save-the-date for our 30th anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our marriage, and we want to do it with friends and family near and far. My in-laws informed us they have never believed in our marriage, because marriage is only between a man and a woman. They will not be coming. They told our kids (older teens, young adults) they won’t be coming because they have a long-planned trip across the globe.

In-laws have warned us that we will destroy the family if we tell the kids the real reason the in-laws aren’t coming. They aren’t wrong. Our kids would be devastated to know.

With the adoption and messy extended family, we have built a family based on truth and transparency. My kids would also be devastated if they knew we lied to them. Kids are pressuring us to change the date so grandparents can come. I really have no idea what I’m supposed to say or not say.

— To Tell or Not to Tell

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conuly

Hi Carolyn: I can’t move past this. I have two teen daughters, and neither one has a good friend group. They don’t do any of the things I associate with “normal” teen stuff, such as talking daily, planning hangouts or going shopping, to football games or to dances. All my friends’ kids have that; it’s confirmed almost daily.

Both kids are aware they have “no friends.” I do believe they’re liked well enough, but also could end up eating lunch alone almost any day. They are good students, and they were kind, loyal friends when they did have them — back in elementary school. I find myself internally obsessing about whether I did something wrong here or whether it’s just their quirky personalities.

I’m downplaying it a bit, but amid some big life stresses, I’ve found myself thinking about the multiple family members who have died by suicide. When did their depression start? I cannot sleep on those days. Do you have advice for me?

— Angsty Parent

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conuly

The first is under a cut because it's awful, the second is under a cut for solidarity.

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: For years, my oldest son and his girlfriend said they would never get married; she was against it. Then, five years ago, she relented and they got married, by all accounts happily.

They are financially secure: well-paying jobs, no debt on their advanced degrees, a rental property they own outright, a manageable mortgage on their home, late-model cars.

Indeed, my son and his wife have worked hard, but we and the in-laws have also provided our ongoing support.

But there is a rub: Our daughter-in-law steadfastly refuses to consider having children — and our son stands by her decision.

Her reason — or the reason they are standing behind — is climate change. In her opinion, it would be the height of cruelty to bring a child into a world that faces such an apocalyptic and nihilistic future.

I will grant you that our country has this and other major problems. But there is an existential question here: What have my and my wife’s lives amounted to, if we have not inculcated a basic will to survive to the next generation?

To make matters more complicated, they channel all their time and energy into biking, hiking, rock-climbing, kayaking, etc. We despair that our younger children will make the same lifestyle choices — especially under the influence of their older sibling.

To many observers, it would seem our kids have been spoiled. And on some level, that is true. But the urge to face an uncertain future and procreate in the face of adversity is supposed to be part of the human condition.

Every generation faces some dire threat. My father’s generation was told to go shoot Hitler. My generation learned to “duck and cover” to avoid nuclear annihilation. How can climate change be worse? Any advice?

— Despairing

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conuly

Dear Therapist,

When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.

We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.

Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?

My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.

Thank you for any advice you have to offer.

Anonymous

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ysobel

(original title "by kids of son’s girlfriend")

Letter cut because the description of the kids infuriates me. One crime? They use HANDS to eat PIZZA, the absolute horror.

( no favoritism here, nosireebob )

swingandswirl

Carolyn Hax: Brother has limited involvement with family. Can they make him change?

(Originally posted in 2008 and recently republished.)

Dear Carolyn: From late high school on, my younger brother has chosen to distance himself from family. My parents are Cuban, and we’re a pretty close family, with its share of Hispanic-mom guilt trips, manipulations, etc. My brother is supersmart, high school valedictorian, etc., so I think he felt marginalized at school. In college he really seemed to come out of his shell, and after graduating, he moved to Utah with his girlfriend. My mom was devastated that he moved so far from home (Texas). A couple of years later, they got married and moved to San Diego — more devastation for Mom.

I vacation with my parents at least every other year; my brother hasn't been on vacation with us in 12-plus years. He spends Christmas at his in-laws' house, Thanksgiving in San Diego and comes home maybe five days a year. He buys us expensive gifts, sends flowers for all the funerals, etc., but doesn't attend. My mom talks to him every Sunday. This is pretty much his level of involvement with the family. My mom lies to her friends because she doesn't want them to think badly of my bro.

After all that one-sided history, here’s the problem. My brother and his wife are having a baby soon. My mom, being one who has trouble holding in her opinions, already has expressed dismay that they’re having a natural birth with a midwife/doula, using cloth diapers, etc. I’ve calmed her worries, and expressed this to my brother, BUT he won’t let my mom come see the new baby for a month. This is killing my mom (she was at the hospital for both of my kids). Should there be a point where my brother just once allows the level of “family togetherness” that the rest of us expect?

— V.

( In which CH responds MUCH more diplomatically than I would have... )

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a 15-year-old girl and had always been an only child until March of this year, when my parents legally adopted their goddaughter after her parents died in an accident. I love “Abby” and have known her since we were tiny, though she lived far away for a long time. Now she’s living with us and we call each other sisters. She’s obviously been in a terrible place emotionally and struggling with grief, but she’s said a few times that she has found happiness here despite everything and that she loves having a big sister (she’s 13). We’re looking forward to Christmas and my parents and I want to make it especially special for Abby.

The problem is my grandparents. They really believe in “blood ties” being the most important thing and have not been welcoming to Abby. Abby and I have birthdays close together, and they sent an expensive present for me and not even a card for her, despite my parents having told them that they have two daughters now. They barely talk to Abby when we see them and referred to her as a “guest” in our home until my mom had a huge fight with them about it.

My parents seem good at standing up to them about this stuff, but I don’t know how to deal with it myself. When I went to visit my grandparents recently, my gran kept going on about how she and my grandpa were desperate to spoil me because they “just know I’m not getting the attention I need at home anymore.” When I said it was fine (my parents still give me plenty of time and we honestly get on great), my grandpa acted like I was “putting a brave face” on things while my gran kept saying how important it was that I got to come to their place and have my own space again. She then made a comment on something I was wearing, noting that it was a lot like a style Abby wears, and asked if I was trying to dress up like her to get my parents’ attention. I’m not! It was just a cute top! I had no idea what to say and just kept trying to change the subject.

I don’t think I’m handling them right, but I don’t know what to do. They keep giving me “secret” presents now because they think my parents will “kick off again” if they find out because they “don’t care about their own daughter anymore.” I find this all really upsetting and confusing, and I don’t know what to do with the gifts because they really press them on me. Sometimes it’s money. I want to split it with Abby and go shopping but I also don’t want to hurt her more by revealing all this stuff my grandparents are giving me while deliberately excluding her. My mom and dad have a lot going on right now, and I’m worried that by telling them about this, it’ll start a huge fight and possibly make Abby feel even worse—she got upset last time she realized there was a fight with my grandparents over her. What should I do? Is there something I can say to my grandparents that will make them stop doing this?

—Torn Granddaughter

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conuly

Q. Stuck in the middle: My father has always been a smart aleck who loves practical jokes and discreetly needling people. My husband has been one of his favorite targets for stupid pranks and comments about his choice in clothing, hairstyle, shoes, or whatever else stands out. For many years, I’ve warned my father that my husband disliked him and that his behavior was causing real animus.

It never registered for him until recently, when my husband—whom I had never previously seen angry—lost it completely. One moment we were saying hello, then my dad said something, and then my husband got in his face, shoved him up against a wall, and put a fist straight through the brick work, all while roaring death threats. My father was absolutely terrified and is now deeply upset and demanding an apology. My husband, meanwhile, is completely unrepentant, blames me for not managing my parents, and is refusing to ever speak to or see that side of my family again. He has also said that he does not want our children exposed to them again and inferred that should I wish to contest, that we can discuss it in a custody hearing.

I am angry with both of them. My father sort of had it coming, but my husband has no business threatening to kill a 76-year-old man, which he does every time I mention his name. That divorce is starting to look pretty damn tempting, as is never seeing my father again, but I love everybody involved and really want to resolve this. What can I do? Am I in the wrong here for asking my husband to deal with my dad? Does my dad actually deserve an apology? Is there a universe where I get to knock both their heads together repeatedly?

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: My son's new wife -- who has a daughter -- insisted that his two children are not biologically his. After a DNA test, it turns out she was right. They aren't. My son, my husband and I are heartbroken. His twins are 10, and they don't understand what's going on.

My husband and I are trying to gently remain in their lives with phone calls and limited visits. My son's wife refuses to visit with us until we stop communicating with the children, promise never to talk about them and display no pictures in our home. She's trying to convince our son to stop seeing us, as well. What to do? -- DISAPPOINTED IN TEXAS

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conuly

Dear Annie: I am the mother of three incredible adult children. About a year and a half ago, my only daughter just cut me off without any explanation. My youngest son then moved in next door to her and hasn't spoken to me in almost a year. They both refuse to talk to me.

So much has happened since then. My daughter got engaged and since then has gotten married she did not tell me of either the engagement or the wedding. I had to, unfortunately, find out on Facebook.

She did not invite anyone from my side of the family. She did invite her dad (my ex-husband) and his new wife. She also invited her new mother-in-law, father-in-law and brother-in-law and his girlfriend. I have been so hurt I'm at a loss for words. -- Mom Cast Aside

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DEAR ABBY: Since I moved eight years ago, my son, "Jim," has visited me only once, and that's because I gave his son my car. I rarely hear from him, and when I have visited, we barely talk. We have totally different ideas on life, and it has caused a rift in our relationship.

When I have visited Jim and his wife, they just sit, watch movies and eat takeout food unless I take them out and pay for the meal. Over the years, I have given my son money and housed him when he went through a terrible divorce. His children are grown now, and I don't hear from them either.

He remarried a woman he met on the internet who has different ideas on things than my family and the way I was brought up. It hurts me very much. What's your opinion on what to do about this situation? I'm at a loss. -- LET DOWN IN IDAHO

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conuly

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My brother and I have had issues on and off for the last 10 years. Over the last few years, we reconnected, and it’s been great. We both moved to our home state and were getting along great.

The other night, he was clearly intoxicated and called my cell phone, which my 6-year-old son was watching videos on. My son brought me my phone, and I could hear my brother screaming on the other end. He was yelling something to the effect of, “Bring your mother the f---ing phone,” and when I spoke with him he continued on with the cussing, telling me how my son should not be allowed to use my phone, and that if I continue letting him, I’ll have nothing but problems with my son, who he called a “little f---er” and so on.

I bit my tongue hoping he was talking in a joking way. Well, he was not, and continued cussing and referring to my son as a “little f---er”.

Whatever he said to my son hurt his feeling so much that he cried. He loves his uncle so much.

I waited until the next day to confront my brother. I told him how his behavior hurt my son and that I hoped that he was just having a bad day. Well, as I figured would happen, he told me to never speak to him again.

He has three children, two of them have birthdays this month. They have been estranged for about 10 years and he does not have relationships with them. They have not been a part of his life since they were five and six. So I figure he was just dealing with that in a bad way. Even so, I will not allow anyone to speak to my children that way.

I guess my question is, do I try to mend this relationship, or do I let it go? Last time I let it go, it lasted 5 years.

Our father passed away in 2011 and I do not speak to our mother. My stepmother just passed away a few weeks ago. I am running out of family. --- BROKENHEARTED SISTER

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conuly

Hi, Carolyn: I have been estranged from my son for about 12 years; he refuses to have any contact with me. It was his decision soon after I divorced his mother.

Ironically, a few years after that, my son was divorced from his first wife. He is now remarried. I learned recently he and his second wife just had a baby, my granddaughter.

I am thinking of corresponding with his wife to convince her that I should be able to see my granddaughter. Such attempts could create friction in my son's marriage.

Should I try to convince my daughter-in-law that I should be able to see my granddaughter or just wait for a time my son might seek reconciliation?

— L.

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: I am a teenage girl in an average family. I started getting interested in LGBTQ+ and other social justice topics when I was in fifth grade.

Since then, I have realized that, among other things, I'm a lesbian, a liberal and an atheist. This wouldn't be a problem, but my father hates many of the things I am or stand for. He's an extremely conservative, Christian, gun-rights person, and he wants me and my brothers to join the military. He constantly pushes me to be the best that I can be, and I try, but his idea of best is very different from mine.

I have several mental problems, which resulted in me getting special privileges in school. I use them whenever I can, but it is never enough for him. He keeps searching through my grade book until he finds something new for me to do, regardless of the date it was assigned or whether it can be graded anymore.

I have various restrictions on my use of technology, so I can barely contact my friends. It has gotten to the point that I am worried about when I come out and looking forward to college just so I can get away. Please tell me what to do in the meantime because college is five years away. -- WAITING IN VIRGINIA

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lemonsharks

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister and brother-in-law have struggled to conceive. They are starting the process of adoption. They are very religious and say they’re open to whatever child God wants to give them. But I’ve had conversations with them that make me sure they are unready to adopt a child with disabilities, and also that they don’t have the sensitivity to raise a child of a different race.

In general, I think they are ill-suited to raise children. My brother-in-law is short-tempered, and I’ve never seen him offer to help out with any domestic chores. My sister-in-law has a lot of emotional issues, and with so little support from her husband, I think she might sink under the pressure of parenthood.

They’ve asked me to be a personal reference for them. The thing is, I can’t give them my unqualified support in this area. It’s one thing to say I think they’ll be good at a job, and another to recommend a kid to their care for life! If I refuse, they’ll probably get someone from their church (where adoption is always an unqualified good) to write the recommendation. So it’s not like I can single-handedly stop them from adopting. But to agree to be a reference and then say something that might get them turned down feels cruel. What’s my responsibility here?
—Against Adoption?

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