agonyaunt | Entries tagged with friendship

Link.

Dear Prudence,

I’m in a group chat with some friends where we share cat memes, talk about our workdays and relationships, make plans, etc. We all live in the same area and see each other frequently. In this group are “Samantha” and “Patricia,” who are friendly but not close. I used to be extremely close with Patricia, but we’ve drifted apart in the last couple of years.

Last week, Samantha, a teacher, shared a funny story that included a screenshot from her text conversation with a parent. The student’s first name was visible, but all other identifying information was blacked out. Patricia voiced concern about her sharing this information about the child. Their exchange was very tense. No one else felt Samantha had done anything wrong. Samantha acknowledged she should have edited out the kid’s name and Patricia seemed pacified. Apparently not, though, as Patricia went to Samantha’s principal and shared the screenshot with the principal, saying she was concerned for the student due to Samantha’s indiscretion.

The principal said the screenshots were likely harmless, but a formal complaint was made and had to be dealt with seriously, resulting in an official reprimand to Samantha, a human resources investigation, and a warning that her contract would likely not be renewed. It’s been over a week since this happened, and the gal pals are still incensed and afraid of Patricia’s wrath. They feel Patricia’s actions were self-righteous and overstepping at best (kind of par for the course for her personality), and cruel and vindictive at worst. As the previously closest one to Patricia, I’m the only one still talking to her at all and she very much sees herself as the victim in this situation. She thought she was doing the right thing and now feels she is being treated unfairly. How do I deal with Patricia? I’m about to have my first kid. She has not been there for me lately, and I’m floored she’s behaving this way. She has put me in the middle before with her choices and I have too much of my own stuff going on to deal with this again.

—Not Here for the Martyrdom

Dear Martyrdom,

Regarding the screenshots of the conversation between Samantha and the parent, I find it troubling that Patricia would go to such great lengths to either prove her point or to outright embarrass Samantha. If the screenshots were truly as innocuous as you suggest (and it sounds like they were), a concerned friend would maybe raise the issues of privacy (ideally one-on-one, and certainly not openly in a group chat). A good friend would not escalate the issue without a private conversation held in good faith. That’s kind of the whole point of friendship; you believe in the best of each other, even when there’s a chance that someone’s made a mistake.

But Patricia’s behavior proves that she has little consideration for a friend’s feelings (or employment!) over her own sense of righteousness. Perhaps you happen to have a knack for handling her rigidness, you two share certain values, or maybe you simply haven’t been subjected to her judgment yourself. But I would be very, very careful around this person. If she can behave this way toward Samantha, she will very likely not think twice about doing the same to you, should you act in a way that displeases her. My advice: Be grateful that she’s been a bit distant and hasn’t showed up for you. I’d keep it that way. With a baby on the way, you have a perfect excuse for staying out of the loop on both the inter-group dynamics and Patricia’s particular antics.

cereta

Letter is down the page.

Dear Prudence,

A few years ago, I attended a christening for my friend Deb’s son. I’d never been to one before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was a bit surprised by the length of the Mass beforehand, which lasted for over an hour. The christening itself came at the very end and was over relatively quickly. Now Deb’s had her second baby, and I’m invited to this christening too. I asked if she anticipated the ceremony would start at the same time as the first one, and she just told me what time the Mass started. I said I didn’t plan on attending Mass, but that I’d be there for the christening. She got really irritated and said coming to just the ceremony and luncheon would be like skipping a wedding ceremony and showing up at the reception. I don’t think that’s a great comparison, because the wedding ceremony is incorporated throughout the Mass. I wouldn’t miss anything if I skipped this religious service. I’m not sure why I’m expected to sit through a full Sunday Mass when it’s not my religion. If it matters, Deb isn’t really religious at all. Besides her wedding (which was really more for her husband—she would have happily been married by a judge) and the last christening, I’ve never known her to attend Mass in the 10 years we’ve been friends. So, am I being rude by not attending the Mass?

—Christening Conundrum

It’s less a question of “Is it universally rude to skip an hourlong religious ceremony before a christening and catered luncheon?” (which has several answers, many of which add up to “not really, but … ”) than it is “Will Deb be offended if I skip Mass before her kid’s christening?” To which the answer is pretty clearly yes, because she’s told you she will. In the grand scheme of things, if this 10-year friendship is otherwise solid, and you don’t have any particular objection to her lightly observed religion, I’d advise you to go for the whole thing, be bored for an hour, then have a lot of cake and praise her second child’s noble mien and regal bearing throughout the sprinkling. Getting into an argument about how much a christening does or doesn’t track with a wedding seems like a waste of your time and hers. It’s perfectly fine, and common, to sit through the service of a faith you don’t practice because you’ve been invited as a guest to celebrate an important milestone that’s important to the hosts. No one expects you to adopt that faith as your own or endorse the homily.

Now, just because this matters to her doesn’t mean you’re honor-bound to go. Your friendship doesn’t seem like it’s on the verge of a permanent rupture, and there’s nothing inconsistent with loving your friend, wanting to celebrate her baby, respecting her religion, and not wanting to sit through a full hour of Mass yourself. Plenty of people love their friends dearly but still wouldn’t attend a lengthy religious service just to please them. Instead of trying to negotiate the relative importance of the Mass, you might tell her this: “I’d love to come and celebrate the christening, but I’m not religious, and I’m not comfortable attending another service. If coming late for the christening and lunch would offend you, I won’t do it. I don’t share your faith, but I respect it, and I hope we can find a way to celebrate little Konrad von Marburg together another time.”

minoanmiss

I can't make a single normal friend. ( Read more... )

minoanmiss

Dear Amy: I’m a college student from the suburbs of San Francisco. I’ve been attending college in New York. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: calm

conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 23-year-old woman facing a dilemma within my friend group of four. Our group consists of two girls, including myself, and two guys. The other girl in our group enjoys wearing a significant amount of makeup. I don't mind this, as I believe everyone has the right to express themselves in a way that makes them feel confident and beautiful. However, our male friends consistently give her a hard time about her makeup choices. They go as far as telling her to take it off, claiming that she looks ugly with it on. This situation makes me uncomfortable, and I'm unsure about how to address it. I believe everyone has the right to make their own choices regarding their appearance without facing judgment from others. How can I approach my male friends to express my concerns about their comments without causing unnecessary conflict within our friend group? -- Friend Drama

( Read more... )

conuly

1. DEAR NATALIE: My friend divorced recently and I was the last to know what was going on. In fact, I only found out when our mutual friend invited us to her “divorce party.” I was really disgusted to even be included in something so crass, and I told my friend that I didn’t even know they were having marital problems. “Oh yea, she’s been miserable for months,” is what my friend said to me. For months? I had just been out with her and her husband several weeks before this announcement and they seemed fine. I also didn’t appreciate my friend confiding in everyone before me. I don’t think I want to go to this party. We are very good friends with her soon-to-be ex-husband, as well. Do you think if I skip it I’ll look as though I’m choosing sides? I care about her, of course, but why celebrate something so sad? It doesn’t sit well with me. Thoughts on this? – WHY A PARTY?

( Read more... )

*******

2. My sister staged a fake wedding years ago. Her boyfriend’s mother was giving money to her children, and the married ones got double the amount of those who were single. We flew cross-country, in good faith, for this charade and spent thousands of dollars. I discovered the truth only six years ago, when I learned that my sister receives Medicaid benefits as a single person who earns little, even though she lives with her boyfriend in a huge house with many trappings of wealth. Now, my mom wants me to invite them for Christmas dinner with my sisters’ families, but I can’t overlook their lies. My mom says it’s none of my business, but as taxpayers, my sisters and I are outraged at the way they scam the system. I think inviting them would end in a big fight. Advice?

SISTER

( Read more... )

*****

3. Dear Carolyn: I am 39, and I have three younger brothers. One of them is engaged and living with his fiancée, and one weekend last summer we all stayed with him. And I cannot stand his fiancée.

Part of it is on principle: My brother is 37, and she is 26. He is a doctor, and I think he focused on getting established, and when he wanted to have kids, he picked a younger woman. I have a lot of female friends in their 30s who describe dating as very hard specifically because men want younger women.

The other part is that she is such a Stepford wife. She is a teacher and was off for the summer. Their entire house was clean and organized, she had meals or local restaurants planned, she made activities suggestions for our other brother’s kids, and looked incredible — thin, young, hot. It feels like my smart, accomplished brother picked a young, hot woman instead of somebody his own age who is too busy with a career to put cereal in plastic bins.

I agreed to be a bridesmaid because I couldn’t think of a way to say no. But I don’t know how to fake it for an entire wedding.

My husband just says, “She was very nice to us,” which is true if you just look at the surface. I need help not tearing my hair out.

— Anonymous

( Read more... )

misbegotten

From NY Mag

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, cohabitating for two. We’re both 29 and, like most of our friends, have struggled to make ends meet between paying for student loans and rent. I work in early-childhood education, and my boyfriend is a chef. We are not wealthy by any means, but my boyfriend comes from a privileged background and his dad recently did something incredibly generous: He helped us with the down payment on a house.

( Anxiety! )

cereta

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: About 20 years ago, I broke off a really intense friendship. She did a typical 24-year-old thing, but it was a dealbreaker nonetheless. I was hurt and upset. She apologized. I told her how I felt and that I wanted nothing more to do with her ever again. Friend moved away soon after.

I got a message from her a couple of days ago. She said she missed our friendship and felt bad that we “fell out of touch.” It’s clear she has no memory of why we aren’t friends anymore.

I have zero interest in being friends with her now. It’s bad enough Friend was a garbage person back then. But it’s even worse — and proving my point — that she has no recollection of her terrible actions and thinks everything has always been hunky-dory with us. I’d like to tell her as much, but I’m not sure what the point is?

— Are You [bleeping] Kidding Me?

Are You [bleeping] Kidding Me?: You have no obligation to respond, and there doesn’t seem to be much benefit to responding just to restate the point you tried to make two decades ago. So you’re good there, if you want to be.

But given your high levels of passion and certainty, I wonder: Have you put your own view of what happened under any kind of microscope? You were young then, too. Maybe you legitimately misread something: her actions, her intent, her.

Maybe what she did was totally obvious and “garbage” and there’s nothing to examine. But, having had a few eye-opening encounters with my own two-decade-old certainties, and knowing how much better our memories are at storytelling than at data, I am a big fan of going through the old files sometimes in search of humbling insight. For all you know, she’s in touch because she did the same.

Re: Former Friend: She’s a garbage person? There’s no possibility she’s had a bunch of growth in 20 years? That she does remember what happened, but doesn’t want to open with that? That she’s not out of line at all and you can easily say, “We had some great times and I miss some of those days, but I don’t think it’s possible to recapture them. Hope you’re doing well,” without feeling all this agita that she [gasp] dared to try to speak to you again?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Good stuff here, thank you.

Dear Carolyn: It was an affair. There are two kinds of people: those who can see it all in the bigger picture, and those who can only see this one specific thing in black and white. It’s one of those things where the two kinds of people can never really understand the other. Move along. #TeamNeverForgiveNeverForget.

— Kidding Me again ETA This is not the original LW.

Kidding Me again: Right, two kinds: people who understand life is fluid and complex, and those who don’t. If your way serves you well, then keep it, but don’t presume to stuff anyone else in a box.

Other readers’ thoughts:

· Someone once told me to try to remember everyone at their best, not their worst. Do YOU want to be remembered for your worst behavior or best behavior? Sometimes people commit heinous, unforgivable acts, sure. And sometimes they are just immature 24-year-olds learning like the rest of us.

· I think #TeamNeverForgiveNeverForget is the saddest thing I have read in a long, long time. My father has lived his ever-diminishing life by this motto; I have watched it wind around his heart like a constrictor. Join #TeamLetItGo; the liberation will be, well, liberating!

conuly

Hi Carolyn: I can’t move past this. I have two teen daughters, and neither one has a good friend group. They don’t do any of the things I associate with “normal” teen stuff, such as talking daily, planning hangouts or going shopping, to football games or to dances. All my friends’ kids have that; it’s confirmed almost daily.

Both kids are aware they have “no friends.” I do believe they’re liked well enough, but also could end up eating lunch alone almost any day. They are good students, and they were kind, loyal friends when they did have them — back in elementary school. I find myself internally obsessing about whether I did something wrong here or whether it’s just their quirky personalities.

I’m downplaying it a bit, but amid some big life stresses, I’ve found myself thinking about the multiple family members who have died by suicide. When did their depression start? I cannot sleep on those days. Do you have advice for me?

— Angsty Parent

( Read more... )

ysobel

Dear Miss Manners: I have been friends with a woman for almost 15 years. We are part of a group that often gets together for game nights, and we also celebrate important days in our lives.

On her last birthday, I offered to take her out to dinner, something we have done for both of our birthdays every year. She responded by saying she wants to take a break from seeing all the people in the gaming group until further notice. Our other friends say they still see her, but she refuses to see me or respond to my texts or emails. I am confused and bewildered about why she has ended our friendship. Our other friends aren’t sure why she made this decision.

I would apologize, but don’t know what I did to create this chasm between us. After no response to two emails and a letter where I expressed a desire to talk through what is going on, I don’t know what else to do. Should I just accept the end of our friendship and move on? Even if she eventually reaches out, I am hurt and confused and not sure how to respond.

It is too soon to give up, if only because you admit the possibility that you may have done something that requires an apology. The question is, what?

Contrary to what you have been told, your other friends — at least some of them — do know what happened. They just (understandably) do not want to be put in the middle. Ask them again, one by one, until one confesses, reports your question back to your longtime friend or persuades you they truly don’t know. The most likely outcome is that you will learn something that will inform you of what to do next.

petrea_mitchell

Actual headline: Why Tho? How can I encourage my friend to dump her unnecessarily mean boyfriend?

Dear Lizzy,

I have a friend who is dating a guy I think is bad for her. He is every red flag in the book. He is condescending, throws tantrums when things don’t go his way and is unnecessarily mean. He is pretty much every terrible guy Taylor Swift has ever written a song about.

Whenever she tells me about their relationship, I try to listen and come from a place of non-judgement, but it’s getting harder for me to do that. I’m concerned that she may end up moving in with or getting engaged to this person.

Am I out of line to tell her that I think she should break it off? She’s an adult and has to make her own decisions, but every time she tells me about their relationship it sounds more and more toxic, and I’m worried about her. What can I say to her that doesn’t judge or push, but also encourages her to see that this is a bad situation?

Resisting the Urge To Yell “DUMP HIM”

( Read more... )

minoanmiss

( Read more... )

Current Mood: curious

minoanmiss

The original title: My Brother-in-Law Thinks He Knows Why Women Won’t Date Him. He’s So Wrong. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: hopeful

minoanmiss

( Read more... )

Current Mood: curious

minoanmiss

This one involves pets and hygiene and is pretty disgusting. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: nauseated

minoanmiss

Heed the warning inherent in the title. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: shocked

lemonsharks

Dear Amy: My best friend, “Maria,” and I are both 14 years old. Recently, she revealed to me that a tendency of mine annoys her.

She and I have very similar interests, and so we try out for similar things in school.

Maria has been practicing the whole year to try out for the hockey team. I also plan on trying out for the team, with no experience, really just because it looks fun.

Every time the subject of tryouts came up, Maria would give other friends a look, and then look back at me. This obviously bothers her.

After a couple of weeks dealing with this, I asked her about it, and she explained that she found it annoying that everything she does, I do, and I usually come out on top.

She mentioned volleyball tryouts, where I made the team, and she didn’t. Then she moved on to the subject of boys, where one guy she liked started talking to me and never talked to her again. Also, student elections, which we both plan on running for next year.

She further explained that although none of that is technically my fault in any way, it annoys her when I talk about them. Now I don’t know what I can talk about with her.
Discontinuing the friendship is not an option, so how should I go about this?

Lonely at the Top

Dear Lonely: It is challenging to be bested by your bestie, and surely you can see why Maria finds your excellence annoying.

Does this mean that you need to stop excelling, or to alter your own plans? No!

Girls sometimes have a way of diminishing or apologizing for their own strengths and successes in order to protect the egos of their friends. I hope you won’t do that.

On the other hand, if you are being obnoxious about your supremacy, then find another way to express your enthusiasm, while understanding that some things that come easily to you don’t come easily to others.

Maria was honest with you, and you seem to have responded defensively: “If I can’t talk about competing with you, then what are we going to talk about?” That’s a cop-out, and I bet you’re more creative than that.

You can be supportive in the name of friendship, while still trying your hardest to win. Cheer for her to do her best, just as you will do your best.

And yes, it can definitely be lonely at the top, but frankly, if you learn and accept this at age 14, you’ll be a winner in that regard, as well.

lemonsharks

Ask Amy: She’s not my girlfriend and I don’t want them thinking she is

Dear Amy: I am very upset. “Lizzie” and I have been best friends since we attended daycare together, and now we are juniors in high school.

Lizzie has always been bossy. She wants things to be her way. Lately, it has gotten bad.

Lizzie only hangs out with me and gets mad if I hang with other people. So now it’s always just the two of us.

But that’s not the worst part. She has been trying to “jokingly” hold my hand and cuddle.

I don’t want this. I don’t know what to say to her. I just walk away and make up an excuse to go somewhere else.

We’re both girls, which is fine, but this is not me. I am into guys. I don’t want everyone at school thinking I don’t like guys when they see us together.

She also gets mad when I am interested in anyone else.

I don’t know what’s going on. Is she really just joking? Is she controlling?

Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable: If Lizzie is isolating you and gets angry and jealous when you hang out with anyone else then yes, this is controlling behavior. This dynamic is not healthy for either of you.

It sounds as if Lizzie has always been the “alpha” of the two of you, meaning that she dominates the friendship. Now that you’re older, this behavior is getting more extreme, perhaps because she senses or is afraid that she is losing control over you.

No one should touch or try to “cuddle” you if you don’t want them to. You must speak up. Be real and honest: “I don’t want to hold hands.”

You could ask Lizzie, “Are you joking when you do stuff like that, or do you have romantic feelings for me?”

If she says she is joking, accept that as her answer. You can add, “I definitely want to stay in the friend zone, like we’ve always been.”

You should also try to talk about your friendship. Tell her that she is really important to you, but that you also want to branch out and bring new people into your circle. Encourage her to do the same.

I hope you will be able to be honest and respectful toward Lizzie, but if her behavior intensifies and you’re worried about yourself — or her — you must go to an adult for help.

Crisis Text Line is a great resource for support: Text the word HOME to 741-741 any time and you will connect with someone who will do their best to help.

cereta

Q: I’m a man who grew up with very close buddies. At 41, I’ve had some friends for over 30 years. But recently I lost one of my longest friendships.

I hadn’t seen this guy for a couple of months. We’d had a minor incident when his daughter and mine competed over a role in a school play. I thought they’d got over it.

But when I recently saw him at a school event and greeted him heartily, he said that he’d lost his job, then turned away.

I immediately texted him that I hadn’t heard and wanted to help … e.g., through contacts I have. He didn’t respond.

I feel terribly about his silence. How do I regain our friendship?
Cut Off

A: Though you mean well, the solution must be about him, not you, especially since you didn’t recognize the impact of the schoolgirls’ disagreement.

Work your contacts privately. If you find someone who can help your friend, let that person initiate it. That’s the sincerest outreach of all. Your friendship may heal over time. Don’t push it.

ermingarden

A friend had Covid more than a year ago and does not think she needs to be vaccinated. When I raise the issue, she says that she has been tested and still has some antibodies or that she has had a recent negative coronavirus test.

I have an immune-system disorder and have had to be extremely careful during the pandemic. I have now had two vaccines and a booster shot, and my friend has extended several invitations for dinner at her home. I don’t think it’s unsafe to go to her home for dinner, because I am fully vaccinated. But I worry that the unvaccinated may allow the Delta variant to continue to spread and possibly mutate, putting everyone at risk once again. I do understand that some people have medical conditions that prevent them from getting a vaccine or object to vaccines for religious reasons, but my friend does not fall into either category. Given how strongly I believe in vaccination, should I decline her dinner invitation on principle? Name Withheld

There are two things you might call principles here. The first is that people like your friend ought to get vaccinated because it contributes to the common good. Even if you’ve had Covid, vaccination further lowers your chances of reinfection and helps slow the spread of the disease. This is a practice that we all benefit from and that we should do our fair share to sustain. That’s a principle I agree with.

The second principle is that one shouldn’t dine with people who ignore principles like the first one. For you, this is mainly an expressive act. Your friend must know that you think she’s mistaken; refusing to dine with her is presumably a way to underline your disagreement. You would be a better judge than I am of whether this is likely to encourage her to get vaccinated as well — or whether you would be damaging your friendship to no effect. That matters, because when our friends do something wrong, our aim should be to encourage them to do better, not to make them indignant or resentful.

Another approach might be more effective. Vaccines don’t always work well in people who are immunocompromised. If you feel safe, I hope it’s because your doctor was able to make that assessment in your case. Still, even if the risks to you are low, they would be even lower if she were vaccinated, too. Asking her to get vaccinated for your sake might be more effective than telling her that you so disapprove of her position that you don’t want to spend time in her company.

ekaterinn

Dear Carolyn: I am getting divorced; my husband walked out to move in with his girlfriend. I was totally blindsided.

During the early stages of our relationship, he asked that I cut off communication with almost all my friends from high school and college. I regret that I complied, and I also never set up Facebook — again, at his insistence.

Now I want to get back in touch with people — I am lonely as all heck — but I was the one who cut them off. Trying to explain sounds like I’m a bitter divorcing woman. Any ideas?

— Lonely

( Carolyn's response )

jadelennox

Content note: Sexual assault rumors

Dear Fuck-up,

( 'ware the content note, but non-explicit, rumors )

conuly

Dear Amy: My friend “Laura” has seemed distant to me, lately.

She is one from a group of four women who have been friends for a number of years.

When I remarked on Laura’s distance to me to another friend from the group, she said, “I know why Laura is behaving this way. Do you want to know more?”

Of course, I did. She then told me that I must have inadvertently “butt-dialed” and called Laura on my cellphone. Laura told our friend that she heard my husband and me making fun of her son.

I was shocked. If someone had mistakenly dialed me, I would never listen to their private conversation!

(Our mutual friend, however, said that she would “totally listen.”)

Most importantly, I would never make fun of Laura’s son: he is mentally challenged.

Why didn’t she confront me in front of the other friends, instead of telling them when I wasn’t there?

I feel like I’ve been tried and convicted.

I’m also really angry that she eavesdropped. Should I bring this up to Laura?

– Flummoxed

( Read more... )

minoanmiss

( Read more... )

Current Mood: touched

minoanmiss

( Read more... )

Current Mood: annoyed

lemonsharks

( cut for cancer )

minoanmiss

(That's the setup to the real issue. I'm not good at summarizing these.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. ( Read more... )

minoanmiss

Q. Can’t support a pagan friend: I’m a thirtysomething who lives in a midsize West Coast city with very liberal sensibilities that I share. There’s a reason I moved here! ( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Amy: I have a best lifelong friend who is generous, caring, selfless, and has been there for me countless times throughout the years. I truly don't know what I would do without her.

She went through years of heartache, trying to conceive.

She had countless miscarriages and false alarms. I was there for her.

Fast-forward 10 years -- yes, 10 -- and just when she was about to give up, she scrapes up enough money to try ONE round of IVF, and, lo and behold, she gets pregnant with twin boys!

The beautiful boys are now a year old. Unfortunately, they have had issues both with sleeping and with acid reflux. It has not been easy for her.

I completely understand how hard it must be, lacking sleep and to be dealing with fussy babies for a year. But this entire year, all my friend has done is complain. Complain, complain, complain.

I hesitate calling or texting her because the constant complaining negatively affects my day.

I don't get why she has become this way, especially after all she went through to have kids. Even if I was terribly exhausted, I would never constantly complain about it. I mean, who wants to hear that?

I have recently tried to distance myself, but I feel bad.

Am I a bad friend for thinking/feeling this way? Should I just suck it up and hope this phase of hers passes?

-- Bad Friend

( Read more... )

colorwheel

( about not having friends as an adult )

la_dissonance

Q: My husband and I are moving to the city where one of my dearest friends lives. She really wants us to move to her neighborhood (“You can walk over for barbecues! Go on morning runs together!”). I love the idea of being close, except I hate her neighborhood. It’s a bunch of huge McMansions with things like fake turrets and nonsensical designs. I get why she and her husband chose it—there’s lots of space for their big family—but you couldn’t pay me to live there. On paper, though, it makes a lot of sense: It’s close to my work, in my price range, etc., so my friend doesn’t seem to catch on to my polite demurrals (“That might be a little too much house for us” or “We’re looking in a lot of neighborhoods.”) What can I tell her besides “your house is hideous”?
—Hideous House

A: Unless she’s calling you every day and going through all the listings in her neighborhood, I think it’s fine to keep offering her polite-yet-accurate demurrals until you eventually find a house elsewhere. There’s a natural expiration date to this conversation, and that will be when you move into a house in a different neighborhood. In the meantime, you can stress how great it is that you two will finally be living in the same city. If you absolutely can’t stand her gentle but insistent questions, then pick a household feature or two you know her neighborhood can’t provide that are absolute necessities for you and tell her: “We’re looking for something with less than 2,000 square feet, and [your neighborhood] just doesn’t fit the bill. Tell me what you think of these two houses we’ve been looking at.”

(Original column)

cereta

( infertility and...well, read the subject line )

cereta

( sexual orientation, outing, and 'touchy-feely' )

cereta

( I'm just going to say some potentially creepy situations and leave it at that )

cereta

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are fairly young, and we have many close friends who have children. We still get together with these friends regularly, and most of the time their children are also welcome. We love their kids, and some of the children are practically like nieces and nephews to us! But occasionally an event will pop up that is simply not appropriate for children.

For example, my husband and I recently had a party at our house, and we invited close to 40 people. We knew it would be crowded and not the type of party for children, however we struggled with how to communicate this to our friends. Our friends always just assume their kids are invited. We don't want to outright say, "Your children aren't invited and you need to pay for a sitter," but we don't know what the alternative is. Any advice would be appreciated. -- ADULTS ONLY

DEAR ADULTS ONLY: I love kids. Just so I don't get a bunch of angry emails after giving my advice, I repeat: I love kids! However, I don't love kids at cocktail parties. Or any event after 6 p.m. that doesn't involve them directly. Your friends chose to have children, and I think it is fabulous that you are close to their kids. However, it is unrealistic for your friends to assume that you always want to see their kids at your adult parties.

The next time you send out a Facebook invite, eblast, mass text message or formal invite, make it very clear that this is an "adults-only event." If your friends ask if they can bring their kids, be polite but firm. "As much as I love (little Shiloh or Zelda), this is just a party for the adults. I know you understand, and I hope you can make it!" Leave it there. Direct communication is the best. (But not in a "Real Housewives" wine glass-throwing-sort-of-way).

lilysea

Dear Prudence,
Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?
—She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway

A: I certainly hope your dislike for Mary is rooted in something other than “she can’t afford to spend as much money on appetizers as I can,” because the only sin she appears to have committed is being less rich than the rest of your friends. While you’re certainly within your rights not to invite Mary to an event you’re hosting, sending dinner-party invitations with further instructions about who someone can invite as a plus one should be reserved for more extreme cases than this one.

I think your best option is to include Amy on the invitation and find a way to enjoy yourself despite Mary’s presence—surely at a dinner party full of guests you’ll find someone you want to talk to. It would be awkward and, I think, an overexertion of your rights as a host, to send Amy an invitation “plus one,” then add, “but not the one you’d like to bring.” It would be one thing if Mary had said something rude or offensive the last time you’d had her as a guest in your home. In that case you might say something like, “I would love for you to come but I have to ask you not to bring Mary, because she was so rude to Scorinthians last time she visited/monopolized the conversation/stole my dishwasher.” That said, if you simply can’t stand the thought of Mary as a guest in your home, then you should ask Amy not to bring her. If Amy decides not to attend, or is angry with you for asking, then that’s a risk you’re simply going to have to run.

lilysea

Dear Jane,

I have a friend that I’ve known since high school who was always obsessed with having children. She got married young and was basically begging her husband to get her pregnant as soon as possible. They had some trouble, but she finally had a little girl a couple years ago.

Since then, I basically haven’t been able to have any sort of conversation with her that doesn’t involve her bringing up her kid. In text conversations, she has to send pictures of her daughter, no matter what we’re discussing. If she FaceTimes me, the camera is generally pointed at her kid for most of the conversation. It’s to the point where I rarely answer her phone calls or FaceTime requests, and will wait hours before I respond to texts.

I was recently hospitalized with bilateral pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in my lungs) and even while I’m laying in my hospital bed, dealing with some of the worst pain of my life (not to mention this being an incredibly terrifying moment for me, as someone who has always been healthy), she still sends pictures of her daughter and steers the conversation towards her.

I’m at the end of my rope. Am I being unreasonable because I’m a single woman with no children (and no real desire to have any for a while), or is she being really rude?
Please help.

Answer: She’s kind of being rude, but she’s also being herself. If she’s been obsessed with this goal since high school (yeesh!) you must’ve seen this coming, no? I mean, maybe not this version of this—which is pretty extreme—but it’s not really a surprise that she’s one of these sorts of moms.

People take to motherhood in a million ways and one of those ways is to derive all of your joy and self worth from it. Or to become obsessed with your child. Which is fine, if you don’t care about being tolerable to the adults in your life. She’s going to have to keep making babies for a long time because eventually they will all grow up and have medical emergencies and this woman doesn’t sound like she’s super into showing up during those times. But when they’re cute little babies and toddlers? Man, they’re so cute!

You also mentioned that she’s young, so I’m guessing you’re young—like in your 20s. One of the hardest lessons we get taught whether we like it or not in our 20s is that friends sometimes aren’t always your friends. Especially during major life events like marriage, births, deaths, moves, new jobs, etc. It sucks to be on your side of it because you’ve put in the emotional labor of being there for her and she’s just giving all she has to her kid right now. You must feel really lonely for her. Maybe she’ll come back around, give it time. In the meantime, since you’re not super into the kid stuff, give her a break and lean on your friends who aren’t so insufferable.

lilysea

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three friends who, at times, refuse to talk at all in social situations. I am going to visit one of them as her houseguest.

I suspect that the reason she does not chat or respond to remarks is solely due to her being hard of hearing, but she attributes it to the custom in her family. She does not even respond to practical questions or remarks. I have sat through dinners in total silence.

I suspect that she relies almost totally on lip-reading, hence she chats only when we sit down in a quiet place and she can face me. She will not discuss her hearing without extreme shame and upset. Is it OK if I read, go online, sleep or watch TV (depending on the situation) as I would if I were alone?

The second friend loves to go out for cocktails, but will sometimes sit in silence, barely responding to my questions and not bringing up any topics. I brought along a book to occupy myself during the usual two hours of silence one day, and she remarked angrily, “If I knew you were going to read, I would have brought my book.” I didn’t want to start a fight, so I put the book away and started to talk (that seems to be my job).

The third friend, also on vacation, refused to talk at all at meal times, saying she had to concentrate on her chewing. We were childhood friends and until recently had always chatted during meals. So I turned on the TV and brought a book to the table. She was extremely angry, but still refused to talk.

I am not able to force people to talk, so is it reasonable and polite for me to occupy myself as though I were alone?

GENTLE READER: Apparently your friends, who may well have hearing problems, do not think so. But rather than deal with that difficulty, they seem to consider it reasonable and polite to remain silent while you perform monologues for them -- so perhaps they are not the most trusted sources. Miss Manners also has to wonder how people who argue that they prioritize chewing over conversation have remained friends for this long.

If you are a houseguest or on vacation, the situation emulates an extension of being in one’s own home. You could say, “It seems that you are tired and I do not wish to burden you with conversation. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind if I read or turned on the television, unless there’s something that you particularly wish to discuss.” Or you can claim your own fatigue and retire to your room.

Unfortunately, when you are out in public together, it is not considered polite to otherwise occupy oneself, even if the conversation is strained. Although that has clearly not stopped most of the electronic device-carrying world.

lilysea

Q: I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid in a very conservative wedding. I said yes a while ago to a friend that I’ve always “agreed to disagree” with. But since then I’ve come out as bi/pan to most people in my life and I have a girlfriend. The bride doesn’t know because it seemed safer to tell her after the wedding because I’ve heard her say homophobic things about sin and hell.

But things have gotten more complicated. I injured my leg and when I told her about it and asked if I could sit for the several hour long ceremony she told me I shouldn’t be a bridesmaid anymore. I’m hurt that she would kick me out of her wedding because I’m injured and I’ve already spent a lot on her gift, a flight there, etc. I’m not sure I can change my flight either (I had to be there several days early as a bridesmaid and I’m supposed to share a hotel room with her, I don’t think I can afford a room myself). My friends said if I don’t go to her wedding at all now I’m probably throwing away the friendship. I feel like she’s the one doing that by kicking me out over something I can’t control.

More than that, I’m afraid that if I go as a guest or try to suck up the pain to stand during the ceremony as a bridesmaid, that she will ultimately reject my friendship anyway when I do come out to her and I don’t want to put in all this time for nothing. If she rejects me for an injury it seems easy enough to reject me for being queer too since I know she thinks that’s a sin. I don’t know what to do.

A: Ayyyyy. I humbly submit that your first order of business is calling about your flight. Just see what the deal is there.

And wow yeah, she does sound like the kind of person who would reject you because of your queerness! What do you want to do? Like what feels like a decision you could live with. If I were in your position, I would slap a shipping label on that gift and take myself out for a milkshake. If I were in your position and feeling especially obligated for some reason, I’d change my flight to arrive closer to the actual wedding date, get my own hotel room, and be the cutest happiest friendliest son of a bitch at that party, where I would talk openly about my darling girlfriend and share my thoughts on a single-payer system and how abortion bans are class warfare, then leave with an air of smug superiority the likes of which that town had never seen.

Do what makes you feel like the best version of yourself, whether that’s protecting your feelings by not attending, or taking one on the chin to avoid a fallout. Make the decision you can live with, but above all else please know that you deserve friends who care more about your injured leg than the optics of a wedding party. Also, you know who has ceremonies that last for several hours when that shit can easily be handled in 45 minutes or less? Showboating assholes, that’s who. THERE I SAID IT.

https://www.autostraddle.com/yall-need-help-12-the-straight-girl-is-back-3985543/

lilysea

Q: I have been asked to be a bridesmaid by a longtime (over fifteen years) and very dear friend. This woman is the sister I never had, and we’re closer to each other than we are to many of our own family members. I happily said yes without realizing that her tastes and budget far, far exceed mine.

She is marrying into a great deal of money, and she’s having a huge, expensive wedding. That’s fine. The problem is that the dresses she selected for her bridesmaids START at $7,000. That’s right—$7,000 is the price of the cheapest of her choices, and that does NOT include alterations, shoes, jewelry, hair, make up, etc. The dress that she favors comes in at $15,000 before alterations.

She did not give us any kind of warning that the dresses she is considering are so expensive. I’m working, but spending $7,000 plus on a dress that I will wear for less than one day (not even) and then never wear it again (it is beautiful, but it is bridal) is an expense I cannot justify. And if she opts for her favorite, at $15,000 before alterations…

I know that being a member of the wedding party is expensive. When she announced her engagement and when she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I immediately started trying to save, but I didn’t think that being part of her wedding would be this expensive. I am also hurt that she didn’t give me a heads-up but waited until we were at the salon and looking at her choices. I pulled her aside and told her that I would have to back out of being a bridesmaid, and I told her WHY (that I cannot afford the dress she chose, nor the shoes, the accessories, alterations, and more). I told her that I would be happy to participate in another way (perhaps do a reading), and if that wasn’t possible, then I would be content to be a guest. She was very, very upset with me, told me that I couldn’t back out, etc. The wedding is still a year from now so I would think there is time for her to ask someone else to be a bridesmaid.

Since then, I’ve called her and emailed her and she hasn’t responded. I finally wrote her a long letter, explaining that I valued her as a person and our friendship, and that I very much wanted to be a part of her wedding, but that unfortunately a $15,000 dress and even a $7,000 dress is completely out of my budget. I have a job but after rent, insurance, loans, and other expenses, I sometimes have to skip meals in order to save even a little for emergencies.

The thing is, she grew up like me—working class poor and didn’t have much. Her fiancé is a great guy and I’m truly happy for her, but I’m hurt that she did not ask me what I could afford to spend on a bridesmaid dress, shoes, and accessories. I have enough debt as it is, and I can’t and won’t spend $20,000 just on the bridesmaid accoutrements. I’d have to borrow to do it.

But now she’s mad at me and sent me a letter in return telling me how hurt she was that I backed out, that obviously I don’t value her or our long friendship because if I did, I would be there for her wedding. She said that none of the other bridesmaids nor the maid of honor backed out (maid of honor is her sister; other bridesmaids are her fiancé’s sisters, and her fiancé’s family is paying for their dresses, etc.) so that tells her that I don’t care about her. She said that I don’t deserve her and she is never talking to me again.

Have you ever heard of anything like this? Are brides now so unreasonable that they don’t take their bridesmaid’s budgets into account when selecting dresses? Should I have told her my limits re: the cost of the dress? She also told me that I was not welcome at her wedding. I am mourning the end of a fifteen-plus-year friendship, and am hurt and bewildered.

—Unhappy ex-bridesmaid and blacklisted ex-friend

A: Dear UEABE,

Most couples honestly don’t ask their bridal party about their budget before picking out dresses or tuxes or whatever else. But most couples don’t pick a $15,000 dress, holy crap.

It’d be awfully nice for her to consider her bridal party’s financial situation (I imagine most of the readers here tried to), but at the end of the day, your budget is your own personal responsibility, not hers. It’s your obligation to keep your finances in check and be vocal if some obligation is stretching you too thin. Which is exactly what you did! You were right, is what I’m saying here. Telling her you couldn’t afford it and stepping down were the entirely right decisions.

Everyone is in a different financial situation. But fifteen grand is… a lot. Even considering the fact that we’re not all coming from the same place financially, that’s a lot of money.

It was your choice to spend that lump of cash or opt out, and it was her choice how to respond to the news. She decided to take it personally, and frankly, I don’t know what you could’ve done to avoid that. It sucks. It’s just not your fault. You couldn’t have foreseen a $15,000 dress, and you couldn’t just dig in the couch to find that money once it was proposed. Her hurt feelings suck, but they’re unfounded and not your responsibility.

You say your friend had the same financial background as you before meeting this guy, but I’m wondering if she just cannot relate to “not being able to afford it.” Even folks who consider themselves on the same financial page are usually in very different places. In trying very hard (so very hard) to give the benefit of the doubt here, I’m thinking maybe she just cannot fathom how you can’t afford this dress, and assumes that means you’re prioritizing other things above her wedding (which you are—rent and food and electricity). But on the other, wide-eyed judgey hand—this girl has lost her mind. Fifteen thousand dollars for a dress? That’s crazy talk, and her accusatory response was out of line. Maybe after the wedding is over, she’ll find her common sense again. But till then, you’ve done what you can, and I would try not to give it another blessed thought.

P.S. We know, we thought we were being trolled too… but we did some digging, and all we can say, is we give this AAPW a very high chance of being 100% real.

https://apracticalwedding.com/expensive-bridesmaid-dress/

lilysea

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a woman for the last 30 years. Our children are the same age. My daughter, who is in her late 20s, has a number of tattoos on her arm that she can cover with clothing if she chooses. However, she doesn't cover them often because she likes them and they mean something to her.

Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.

I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS

DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.

cereta

( Alcohol use and judgment thereof )

cereta

( Infertility, some really hostile behavior, and...interesting advice. Also long. )

cereta

Q. Stolen kitchen dreams: I’ve always loved cooking and design, so when I told my best friend about my dream stove, she must have known I really had a special place in my heart for it. Imagine my surprise when I found out SHE had bought my dream stove before I could save up for it! Needless to say, I felt incredibly betrayed. I’ve basically been giving her the silent treatment for the better part of a year. To make matters worse, she acts like she has no idea why I’m so mad at her! My anger and hurt have gotten so bad that our friends called a meeting for us to talk it out, but I don’t want to hear anything from her unless it’s an apology. What should I do?

A: I don’t often find myself wishing that a letter were fake, but I sure hope you’re just some bored internet denizen inventing dramatic stove-related scenarios to entertain yourself. I’m not surprised your friend has no idea why you’ve grown so cold and distant. If one of my best friends suddenly gave me the silent treatment for almost an entire year, the type of stove I had recently purchased would not even make the top 100 possible reasons why. It would fall below “She has been possessed by the evil spirit Aku from Cartoon Network’s Samurai Jack” in terms of plausibility.

Your friend has purchased a stove. That is the only thing that has happened in this story. She has not deprived you of your ability to purchase an identical stove in the future. She has not taken the stove that is currently in your kitchen out of your home. You are still able to cook and design things to your heart’s content and have not been harmed in any way. This is straight-up Dr. Zoidberg “this is bad and you should feel bad” territory. You are being extremely unkind for extremely silly reasons and should immediately apologize and amend your behavior. If she forgives you, count yourself extremely lucky.

cereta

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is convinced that bleaching her hair after a bad breakup is the only way to get over her ex. Clearly, this isn't true and will completely ruin her hair for years to come. I don't think the damage is worth it and have never even dyed my hair, yet I've gotten over breakups just fine.

I already told her this would be like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die, but she is not having it. Have I done enough as a friend to stop her? I don't want to be the soundboard to her complaints after she goes through with this. -- Bleach Blonde, Las Vegas

DEAR BLEACH BLONDE: People find all kinds of unusual ways to say goodbye to bad relationships. While bleaching absolutely does damage your hair, for most people, the hair will grow back, and you can cut the dry, bleach-burned hair off. In other words, your best friend's way of exorcising her grief may not be the worst choice she could have made.

As far as you having to listen to her lament the state of her hair sometime down the line, it will be up to you what you do when she starts the complaints. You can foreshadow your intended reaction by telling her now that when her hair starts falling out, she shouldn't come to you for sympathy. But in the moment, you will have to speak up and tell her you are unwilling to hear to her sob story because you really did predict that it would happen. Good luck with that!

cereta

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend in her mid-40s who has naturally dark hair she keeps cut short. It looked fine.

A few months ago, she bleached her hair platinum blond. She said she was going for a look that will include dark roots, but she has kept the roots platinum, so now her hair just looks white -- especially in pictures. She posted photos of herself with her boyfriend on Facebook, and while I was scrolling down, my initial reaction was, "Who is that elderly woman he's sitting with?"

A mutual friend commented to me how bad my friend's hair looks and how aging it is. Should I mention to her that her hair color makes her look 20 years older? Telling someone her hair doesn't look good can be hurtful, but if it were me, I'd want to know. -- HELPFUL IN HAWAII

DEAR HELPFUL: Be diplomatic, but tell her. A tactful way to lead in would be to say you saw the pictures she posted on Facebook and the platinum hair makes her look "older." However, unless she asks how much older, don't volunteer, because if you say it's two decades, she may take offense.