Agony Aunt

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have an unusual problem and am not sure how (or if) it can be resolved. My husband and I have a 1.5-year-old daughter, “Erin.” My mother has hypersensitive hearing. When I was a kid, I had to keep the TV on so low I needed to sit within 3 feet of it to hear it, and my sister and I had to talk to her in a lower volume than our normal speaking voices. (My parents ended up divorcing when I was 10 because, according to my mother, my dad talked too loudly.) The problem has only worsened as my mother has gotten older. Sounds produced by normal activities bother her, from a microwave beeping to people using utensils while eating to something being cut on a cutting board—even a Ziploc bag being opened within several feet of her.

Recently, my mother was over for a visit and had Erin on her lap. Erin let out a squeal after dropping one of her toys. My mother immediately got up, handed Erin to me, and left our house. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened—she barely came around after Erin was first born because she couldn’t stand the sound of her crying. Later, I received a text from her saying that in order to continue coming over, she needed assurances that Erin wouldn’t do anything else to hurt her ears. I explained that this just wasn’t something I could guarantee or have any control over at this point; babies do sometimes get loud, and Erin is too young to understand the need to protect Grandma’s ears. When I suggested that my mother try some earplugs to reduce the impact of not only any loud noises Erin might make but also any ambient noise in general, she became angry and said she wouldn’t be back until I found a “realistic” solution.

My husband says that my solution is a reasonable one—he’s fed up, and it’s fine with him if my mother wants to stay away. While I want my daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother, I can’t always predict when Erin might do something loud, let alone do anything to prevent it. And I don’t want my mother tearing into her in the future for doing normal kid things, like she did to me and my sister. Erin also isn’t going to be our only child—I’m currently four months pregnant—so it won’t be getting any quieter around here. And like my husband, I’m exhausted with constantly playing a guessing game about which everyday action might hurt my mother’s ears. She expects us to just know, then becomes angry when we do something no normal person would think of as problematic. Last week, she got angry at me for biting into a carrot while I was almost 10 feet away from her.

Over the years, she has shot down suggestions from me and other family members to go to a doctor and see whether anything might remedy this. Is it reasonable to ask her to take some sort of proactive measure (such as wearing earplugs) so others can lead normal lives in her presence, rather than expecting the world—and my 1-year-old—to adapt to her?

—Toddlers Don’t Have a Mute Button

Dear Mute Button,

I’m sympathetic to your mother’s ear condition, which appears to be acutely distressing and would be challenging for anyone to deal with. And when there is something we can actually do to accommodate someone else’s medical issue or need—even if it causes us a little inconvenience or isn’t something we would otherwise do—we should at least make the effort. (It’s a very different thing and not so severe, but one of my kids was often overwhelmed by loud noises when she was little, and I always appreciated it when family members took care to laugh and talk a bit more quietly in her presence.)

But of course you’re right that Erin is too young to take your mother’s hypersensitive hearing into account, and you can’t and don’t want to discourage all her typical toddler sounds (which are essential to her learning, her development, and her ability to communicate with those around her). Given that Erin also has needs that are important, and has behaviors she can’t realistically control at her age, perhaps your mother could think of wearing earplugs or noise-canceling headphones as an accommodation she makes for her very young, occasionally noisy grandchild—one that is actually possible, unlike your keeping a toddler silent for the duration of her visit. When she’s older, Erin may be able to do more to take her grandmother’s condition into account. But right now, your mother is the one who has more capacity to alter her behavior, and while it sounds as if she’s been fairly intransigent on addressing her condition over the years (which I hear is exasperating for you!), there’s no time like the present, and more time with grandkids should be a great motivator.

So, yes, I think your suggestion was a reasonable one, as was the idea of consulting a physician. (If your mother has truly never done so, this may be as much an emotional issue as a physical one.) And again, while I’m sympathetic to your mother’s situation, I don’t think it makes sense for her to take every noise personally or punish others for being unable to be silent at all times—there is simply no way for you to anticipate or prevent every noise that could possibly bother her. When emotions calm down a bit, I hope the two of you are able to discuss what’s challenging as well as what’s realistic and find a way for her to spend time with her grandchild(ren) without experiencing so much discomfort or demanding the impossible.

Dear Carolyn: I am a single 75-year-old woman who has recently had the good fortune to move into a house that my oldest son bought for me next door, so that I could spend time with my young grandkids. I moved from another state and I am part of their lives generally every day, a win-win for me, grandkids, and parents alike. I loved being a mother and homemaker, carry this same joy into my grandparenting, and feel this is where I shine.

My problem concerns my daughter-in-law. Even though I feel many of her rules concerning her kids are too rigid, unnecessary, and are a killjoy for them and for me, I believe I need to honor these rules. But there is one area that has long annoyed me and that, now that I live nearby and have some control over it, I would like your opinion on.

When I mailed gifts, they often would not get opened on the day of, and were sometimes opened weeks later. I can appreciate her rules about when things get opened, and that sometimes this is challenging and delays things, but where my gifts are concerned I just feel a lack of urgency in general. She calls the shots on how things go down in that household and the focus is largely on her own family. It really takes away from my joy.

Now that I live next door, I would like to give my own gifts on the day of, at my own home. I am anticipating resistance from my daughter-in-law. Sometimes I feel my hands are tied in so many ways with regard to the kids and we could have so much fun if not for my daughter-in-law’s frequent disapprovals. Of note: When I was their guest, I was not allowed to wash dishes, fold the laundry, put away the toys, etc., and I’m certain it was because I didn’t do it to her standards. She has her good qualities too, of course, and my son seems happily married, but the body language and facial expressions toward so many of us are an annoyance I’m going to have to fight every day.

— Next Door

Next Door: If I understand you correctly, you see living next door as an exciting new opportunity to finally win some power struggles with your rigid daughter-in-law.

I.e., to celebrate your Powerball win by trying to shoplift some candy.

Your place in this family is not only solid, it’s solid beyond the wildest dreams of anyone who has a daughter-in-law on the flinty side. I hope you’ll take my inbox’s word on this.

And although I accept your position 100 percent that you have been kept at a tight-lipped distance when it comes to her Ways of Doing Domestic Things — and I feel your resulting frustrations — the bigger arc of your story just doesn’t ring true.

Principally, I can’t buy into an assertion that “she calls the shots” and favors her own kin in a marriage that acquired the house next door for her mother-in-law who obviously isn’t her biggest fan.

You see where I’m coming from here, yes?

I hope so, because the stakes of your relationship with your son's family were already high and just got higher — access to your grandchildren, love, inclusion, community, shelter, care as you age — and because in the same move, the already-small stakes of the whole timing-of-gift-unwrappage thing just got microfreakingscopic.

Please trust me on this, too. As sympathetic as I am to the emotional power of our self-definitions, and as vulnerable as you are to her “frequent disapprovals,” using your proximity to try to claw back some control over family rituals sounds dreadfully misguided. Her resistance isn’t personal, even; you say yourself she’s like this with “so many of us.”

Instead, I urge you use your maternal talents in a more profound way: to encourage them not to regret moving you next door. (I kid.) Use them to think bigger and become the mother (-in-law) your son and daughter-in-law need. Don’t throw away your self-image or dull your shine, just tweak them both to reflect the role you play now in the family yours has become.

From where I sit, the couple have made it clear what they welcome: They want you close, they want you involved daily with the kids — and they want you to leave their towel-folding, toy-filing, gift-opening systems alone. Such clarity might not be as impressive as buying you a home, but it too is a generous gift.

In case you’re wondering: I have my opinions on “her rules.” But what I think of them is irrelevant unless and until they ask me what I think.

You can take that exact position yourself with real conviction; not just, “I need to honor these rules,” but, “Whew, I get to be the daily Grandma and I’m off the hook for dishes!” Isn’t that in the “joy” column, too? Or can’t it be, at least, if you deliberately put it there?

And choose to drop the gift thing completely? I can’t recall a battle that has ever begged harder not to be picked.

Dear Annie: The problem is not with our son, but his wife. They dated in high school and college, and she was friendly and nice to us during those periods, visiting us quite often. They were married after living together for more than five years, and during that time we had good relations with them. They would visit us once a week.

My son and daughter-in-law are well-educated, and they now have two young daughters, ages 6 and 3. The girls are very attached to us. But our daughter-in-law controls the girls and they rarely visit us.

When they do visit, their mother won't let the kids out of her sight. The other day, my wife showed the children the strawberries that had grown in our backyard. Their mother immediately told them not to eat them, even though my wife had said they would be washed. Their mother said no.

We helped our son and his wife financially to buy their house. They live around 10 minutes' drive from our house. Yet we go to their house only two times a year to attend our granddaughters' birthdays. Otherwise, they never invite us. Being in our 60s, we are not young. It seems odd, but even when we want to babysit, she refuses to have them stay with us. Yet her parents babysit all the time.

When he is alone with us, our son is happy to chat, but once she arrives, he becomes a totally changed person -- as if he is her puppy.

Once a week, we insist that our son have lunch with us at a restaurant during his lunch break from work. But if we bring up any issues involving his wife's attitude toward us or our grandchildren, he gets very mad, so we don't even discuss it.

We have another son and we have no problems; he and his wife let my wife babysit, and we meet with them often.

We are sad about the son whose wife has become unfriendly, and we are turning to you for advice. -- Questioning Grandparents

Dear Questioning Grandparents: Keeping your grandchildren away from you and your husband not only hurts you, but it also hurts the children. Grandparents can provide security and wisdom to their grandchildren. They can tell them stories of what their dad was like when he was their age. Kids always get a kick out of that. It is understandable that you crave a loving relationship with them. Grandkids can help grandparents to stay mentally sharp and stave off depression or loneliness.

Your daughter-in-law seems to be a controlling person, and that is creating problems for your relationship with your and for your son. So continue to tread lightly and appreciate the time you get with your son and his children, however limited it is. Also, watch that you don't try to control your own son by saying "we insist" that he have lunch with you once a week.

Keep talking to your son about your desire to have a close relationship, and explain all of the mutual benefits. Ask what would make your son and daughter-in-law more comfortable visiting or letting you babysit. Get interested in her concerns. At the same time, continue to nurture your relationship with your other son's kids and enjoy being terrific grandparents.

I have had this open to post for weeks.

( And I mean boundary Issues )

Dear Amy: My daughter and son-in-law are expecting their first child. My husband has a granddaughter, but this will be MY first grandchild. My husband and I have been together for more than 16 years and have helped raise each other’s children.

I love his granddaughter and I don’t want her feelings to be hurt by announcing on social media that I am expecting my first grandchild. She is 8 years old and knows that I am her father’s stepmother, but I still don’t want to hurt her. Whenever she comes over, my husband and I both spoil her (like grandparents should), but she has always favored her “Papa.”

The problem for me is that I am much younger than my husband, and I didn’t want my social media friends to think that I was old enough to have an 8-year-old grandchild.

How can I say that I am expecting my first grandchild without making her feel like she doesn’t count?

— Grandma to Be

Dear Grandma: I appreciate your sensitivity about this situation, but I have news for you — you are already a “Grandma.” You have been one for the past eight years, and for you to try to find a way to deny this now that you are about to have a “real” grandchild in your life is all about your own vanity.

Your young granddaughter wouldn’t be the only person surprised (and possibly hurt) by the revelation that she isn’t your grandchild. Her parents, especially the parent you “helped to raise,” would likely be quite wounded.

I could also venture a guess that the reason your granddaughter has always favored her “Papa” is because you are signaling to her in a variety of ways that she is a placeholder for the real grandchild who will someday come along and claim your heart.

I became a grandmother quite young — at least it seemed so at the time, because I wasn’t prepared for this life stage. But family comes to you in different ways and at different times, whether or not you’re ready (or “old enough”) for it.

And so now the thing to do is to take to social media to announce your joy at the birth of your second grandchild.