agonyaunt | (no subject)

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Dear Annie: Six months ago, my dad passed away. My frustration is that my sister and her husband refuse to tell their 6-year-old daughter. I understand that grief is very personal for everyone. But her decision to withhold his death is affecting my family. My niece is not allowed inside our house, for fear she might ask about her grandpop. My young children are not allowed to speak about their grandpop in her presence — no memories, no references whatsoever.

I have confronted my sister about my concerns, and she told me that they'll parent the way that they want to. I agree that they have that right. But it's been six months, and she still is telling my children they cannot talk about their grandfather in their cousin's presence. She has started to exclude us from family activities for fear that my children will mention his name and/or disclose his death to their cousin. My children are old enough to realize it is wrong, and a rift is growing at a rapid rate. I have spoken to my personal therapist, the hospice therapist and my daughter's therapist. All three can't comprehend my sister's actions. — Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken: Your sister's parenting rights end where yours begin. Allow your children to speak as they normally would regarding your dad's death. Asking them to abide by her dysfunctional dynamics sends the wrong message on multiple levels. Hopefully, your sister comes to her senses with time. But until then, you can't walk on eggshells just to suit her.

And although the situation with your sister may have drawn the focus these past few months, the fact remains that your dad died mere months ago. Be sure to take care of yourself, creating the emotional space to grieve your father. I'm so sorry for your loss.

https://www.creators.com/read/dear-annie/07/21/boyfriend-moves-on

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Unlike Annie I'm morbidly curious about how long this would go on if LW just let it play out.

That makes two of us. It would make for a great dark comedy subplot, honestly. But in real life? What the coathangered fuck.

Yeah, in a dark comedy, I could see it coming out finally when the kid is like 30. "What do you mean grandpa died? You told me he worked for the CIA and I could see him when he finally retired!"

I think this needs to be combined with the letter from a while back about the person trying to bury their father while dealing with the fact that he had multiple girlfriends, none of whom knew about each other.

Oh no, our protag would be so very long-suffering. And would be like, "I always thought *I* was the weird one in the family, being queer and polyam, but nope, I'm so normal it hurts in comparison."

If I were in LW's shoes, I would be tempted to tell the sister's kids on purpose...

LW & their family are being excluded to keep the secret and that is not okay

Yes, that too. From an outsider perspective, not knowing or caring about these people at all, either one promises great entertainment.

Or LW could start saying to her sister, in front of the sister's kids

"Oh, I had a great phone call with Dad today, he told me that of all of his kids he'd always felt CLOSEST to me, like I really UNDERSTOOD him"

keep baiting the sister until she snaps with the truth...

*cackles*

"Oh, sister, did you see this new necklace Dad bought me? That was so THOUGHTFUL of him..."

omg you're killing me. I wish you had LW's email address or a psychic connection to them. 🤣

Oh god spiders, so many spiders.

What do you suppose sister's kid thinks is happening??

NOPE. BAD IDEA.

My parents were not this insane about it, but while I was away at college, they just... didn’t tell me when my great-grandmother, next-door neighbor who was like family to us, or my childhood dog died, until a couple of months later in each case. It's definitely made me paranoid about someone in our family dying and not being told about it - again - and I wasn't even an impressionable six-year-old when it happened!

Edited (html fix) 2021-07-26 19:41 (UTC)

this. I know many a college kid who was told "later" when someone died. And it never ever was a good choice.

I think it's SOMETIMES ok to delay if someone is in the middle of major exams eg the final exams at the end of a law degree.

But delay until the last exam is over, and not an hour longer...

Or then there's the parents who call the college kid, tell her that her grandfather has died, and when she notes that she can't afford a plane ticket for the funeral, essentially say, "Too bad you'll miss it then."

are you my cousin bc my aunt & uncle did the same thing to her

What I want to know is how it works out that the LW and their kids are the ones being excluded from family events. Are the other people in this family and/or the sister's circle of friends going along with this surrealist game of pretend? If the only family is the two siblings and their kids, well, okay, just have your own celebration. If other people are entering the Twilight Zone, I don't even know what to say.

What the fuck. Even if one parent somehow thinks this is a good idea, how could both of them possibly think that hiding the death of a close family member is in any way reasonable? What is the probability two such insane people happen to be married to one another?

LW, it's clear your sister cannot be reasoned with, so try with your brother-in-law. Is he as committed to this harmful charade as she is, or is he going along to get along? Maybe if you tell him how concerned you are about how this enormous and painful lie will damage his daughter's ability to trust people, he will reconsider, and that will be the end of it.

If that doesn't work, you—and your kids—can either tell your niece about her grandfather's death over her parents' objections, or you can back out of their lives. You cannot be complicit in the lie.

See, it's easy to SAY, "Oh, just let your kids talk about whatever," but that's putting all the social awkwardness on little kids -- and they won't understand all the details, but they very much will know that "Cousin cried and said I was a liar, and then Auntie told her she was right, I WAS a liar, and then Auntie called Mommy and told her that she had to come take me home and I couldn't come back until I was a good boy and followed the rules, and all Mommy will say is that I didn't do anything wrong."

The sister is obviously in the wrong, but the least harmful thing for the children would be for the letter writer not to try to get them together with the sister's famiy until they're allowed to speak freely.

True.

So true.

I really want to know the parts of the story that weren't included. Because there's an entire galactic rift zone of that story that we're missing, if I'm seeing the shape of this at all correctly. Basically, the entire family's relationships with each other, and just how long they've been how dysfunctional. Demons like this don't pop out of nowhere.

The sister's kid is going to need so much therapy if this is how her parents handle stressful topics. Poor kid.

Me: settles down to read a letter

Dear Annie:

Me: reading pleasantly

Six months ago, my dad passed away.

Me: Aw, crap, LW, that's the worst, and during covid, too. I'm so sorry.

My frustration is that my sister and her husband ...

Me: wonders where this is going, settles down for a juicy story about inheritance or probate

refuse to tell their 6-year-old daughter.

Me: simpsons butler doing a spit take

Edited 2021-07-26 22:32 (UTC)

I believe my family made the decision not to inform my great-grandmother of the death of my cousin, but she was Very Old and already suffering dementia. The question of where he'd disappeared to was not likely to come up, especially as he lived in Sydney and didn't visit often. In this case though, the uninformed person is young. Unless they're planning on gaslighting her into believing she never had a grandfather, they're going to have to tell her something eventually

Annie, the siblings are GRIEVING and that mom needs to let the little girl grieve too. Now, not sometime later on. The kid is SIX for fuck's sake. Not two.

(I wish I could send this to the OP: https://childrensroom.org)

I real, really want to know all the other things that are going on here.

(I also really, really hope someone, ideally someone beyond reproach (like grandma?), rips the bandaid off for Niece so that all this foolishness can end.)

Edited (Missing words) 2021-07-27 01:28 (UTC)

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the actual fuck, omg

OMG WTF SISTER, STOP GASLIGHTING YOUR SIX YEAR OLD.

All the kids in this letter are going to need so much therapy.

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