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minoanmiss...I Don’t Understand How She Could Accept This. I can’t seem to accept this new “grandson.” ( Read more... )
minoanmissMy Sister Claims I Cast a “Dark Cloud” Over the Birth of Her Baby. She’s Out of Her Mind.
Content advisory: death of a pet (not explicit)
( Read more... )
Content advisory: death of a pet (not explicit)
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Sep. 13th, 2024 10:44 amconulyDear Carolyn: My father is ill and wants me to reconcile with my twin sister, who is mentally, physically and financially abusive to me to the point of my cutting her entirely out of my life a couple of years ago. He insists we repair our relationship, which I view as irreparable given her boundary issues and continued abuses. I won’t do it.
But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.
I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.
— Twin
( Read more... )
But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.
I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.
— Twin
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Sep. 1st, 2024 07:29 amconulyDEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have been in the Maintenance Stage of my addiction recovery program for almost three years. It was a hard road for me and my family, and I am working hard to stay clean and never again abuse my family or myself.
My mom and dad have been great. Same for my older sister and her husband. I have an uncle, though, who I was always close to all the time I was growing up and right up until the time I was lying to and stealing from my family and friends to first cover up and then support my addiction.
He came one time to see me when I was in my third rehab. He barely talked to me and left after only a few minutes. Since then he avoids me if we run into each other at someone in the family’s house or out in public.
It hurts like hell that he won’t accept that I am clean, working hard to stay that way, and could really use his forgiveness and support.
What more can I do to have him accept me back into his life, or at least to allow me to make peace with him? --- MISSING MY UNCLE
( Read more... )
My mom and dad have been great. Same for my older sister and her husband. I have an uncle, though, who I was always close to all the time I was growing up and right up until the time I was lying to and stealing from my family and friends to first cover up and then support my addiction.
He came one time to see me when I was in my third rehab. He barely talked to me and left after only a few minutes. Since then he avoids me if we run into each other at someone in the family’s house or out in public.
It hurts like hell that he won’t accept that I am clean, working hard to stay that way, and could really use his forgiveness and support.
What more can I do to have him accept me back into his life, or at least to allow me to make peace with him? --- MISSING MY UNCLE
( Read more... )
Dear Prudence: Two on a Theme
Aug. 27th, 2024 11:02 amminoanmissHelp! My Husband and I Became Temporary Parents. It Showed Me a Scary Side of Him.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I agreed that we didn’t want to have kids. But last year, we said yes when someone in his family needed us as foster parents. I’d like to think that I was an OK foster mom: I made her my first priority and understood that our life was going to be organized around her. It turned out that her mom was in active addiction during pregnancy so she had more medical needs and troubles than most babies. It was not a radical or transformative experience with love, empathy, and bonding. It was an anxious, sleepless slog for a kid who needed it.
I felt like my husband passed the hardest parts off to me: all of the nighttime care, the daycare problems, the more painful doctor appointments, or the annoying social services bureaucracy. We fought about it but it never really got better. We only had her for six months but it was the longest six months ever.
My husband was heartbroken when it was time but I mostly felt relief when it was safe for her to return to her birth mom. Our monthly visits are perfect for me. We’d been together for 15 years and married for a decade but I suddenly saw all these cracks and selfishness within my husband that I’d never seen before. I’m still angry with him and I don’t know what to do—our marriage is back to feeling sweet and balanced but I can’t forget this nightmare experience. Part of me says this is a clue for how he’ll treat me badly if we grow old together and part of me says it was an experience we’d never had before and will never have again. What do I do here?
—Open Eyes
( Read more... )
Help! My Boyfriend’s Family Tried to Starve Me During an Isolated Backwoods Vacation.
Dear Prudence,
I am a vegan for a variety of reasons. I don’t preach and often find it easier to bring my own food rather than pick at my hosts for what goes into a meal. My boyfriend was invited to a family summer gathering. It was very isolated and rural. I explained I was bringing my own food (his father and brother made special vegan jokes to me before). What happened was the kids raided my food (it was in my pack) when the pantry snacks got locked up. I’d brought enough food for me for five days; they went through everything in five hours! I got upset, and it was just a big joke to everyone. Then it seemed to become a game. If I set aside some peanut butter and celery, someone would eat it. Same for the oranges I put aside for breakfast (I got offered cereal and milk instead). I tried to get my boyfriend to drive me to a grocery store, and he told me it would take more than two hours one way and to lighten up. By the time I left, I wanted to cry. My boyfriend and I have been fighting about it. He tells me I was overreacting and it wasn’t like I’d starve out there. Is he right? We’ve been together for nine months and talking about moving in together. I am having doubts.
—Vegan Vacation ( Read more... )
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I agreed that we didn’t want to have kids. But last year, we said yes when someone in his family needed us as foster parents. I’d like to think that I was an OK foster mom: I made her my first priority and understood that our life was going to be organized around her. It turned out that her mom was in active addiction during pregnancy so she had more medical needs and troubles than most babies. It was not a radical or transformative experience with love, empathy, and bonding. It was an anxious, sleepless slog for a kid who needed it.
I felt like my husband passed the hardest parts off to me: all of the nighttime care, the daycare problems, the more painful doctor appointments, or the annoying social services bureaucracy. We fought about it but it never really got better. We only had her for six months but it was the longest six months ever.
My husband was heartbroken when it was time but I mostly felt relief when it was safe for her to return to her birth mom. Our monthly visits are perfect for me. We’d been together for 15 years and married for a decade but I suddenly saw all these cracks and selfishness within my husband that I’d never seen before. I’m still angry with him and I don’t know what to do—our marriage is back to feeling sweet and balanced but I can’t forget this nightmare experience. Part of me says this is a clue for how he’ll treat me badly if we grow old together and part of me says it was an experience we’d never had before and will never have again. What do I do here?
—Open Eyes
( Read more... )
Help! My Boyfriend’s Family Tried to Starve Me During an Isolated Backwoods Vacation.
Dear Prudence,
I am a vegan for a variety of reasons. I don’t preach and often find it easier to bring my own food rather than pick at my hosts for what goes into a meal. My boyfriend was invited to a family summer gathering. It was very isolated and rural. I explained I was bringing my own food (his father and brother made special vegan jokes to me before). What happened was the kids raided my food (it was in my pack) when the pantry snacks got locked up. I’d brought enough food for me for five days; they went through everything in five hours! I got upset, and it was just a big joke to everyone. Then it seemed to become a game. If I set aside some peanut butter and celery, someone would eat it. Same for the oranges I put aside for breakfast (I got offered cereal and milk instead). I tried to get my boyfriend to drive me to a grocery store, and he told me it would take more than two hours one way and to lighten up. By the time I left, I wanted to cry. My boyfriend and I have been fighting about it. He tells me I was overreacting and it wasn’t like I’d starve out there. Is he right? We’ve been together for nine months and talking about moving in together. I am having doubts.
—Vegan Vacation ( Read more... )
minoanmissIn We’re Prudence, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped.
Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Friend of the Devil, Marzipan Shepherdess, JHD, We’re Here, Nanana, Clergy Person, Becky, and Camel for their ideas! ( Read more... )
Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Friend of the Devil, Marzipan Shepherdess, JHD, We’re Here, Nanana, Clergy Person, Becky, and Camel for their ideas! ( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jul. 14th, 2024 12:57 amconulyDear Care and Feeding,
How do you gently set boundaries with relatives? My 8-year-old gets along well with her cousins from my husband’s side. In the last year or so, there have been more frequent trips and sleepovers. I was generally easygoing about the arrangement for a while. But now my child is old enough to be aware that different houses have different rules—and my household’s rules tend to be stricter.
She has come home being overly dramatic about any restrictions, complaining about our house and habits, talking back with attitudes, and being mean to her little brother. It usually takes a whole day or more to turn her back to the sweet girl I raised, and sometimes this has to be done with discipline. I am tired of it.
The thing is, when I want to enforce some boundaries that I think are appropriate (with my kids only) when everyone is together, my husband’s relatives sometimes dismiss me or can be patronizing. My husband is more like his family, so he doesn’t see it as much as I do, despite multiple private discussions. I do not want to overly restrict her play with the cousins, as they are really good kids. But I want to be more mindful when I let her have extended sleepovers at the relatives’ house.
Recently during an outing, a relative directly said he planned for her to stay over during the summer. I felt weird about it—the statement was not even phrased as a question to me. I had a chat with my husband and told him that I would prefer to have my daughter stay closer to me for the couple of weeks that she doesn’t have summer camp, and that she should use the time to prep for her next grade anyway. If this is brought up in front of me again, how do I phrase my feelings politely? I don’t want to hurt the future relationship, but I do want to let my husband’s relatives know I have the parenting rights as a mother, and they should not circumvent me, as though my husband is my children’s only parent.
—Boundary Time
( Read more... )
How do you gently set boundaries with relatives? My 8-year-old gets along well with her cousins from my husband’s side. In the last year or so, there have been more frequent trips and sleepovers. I was generally easygoing about the arrangement for a while. But now my child is old enough to be aware that different houses have different rules—and my household’s rules tend to be stricter.
She has come home being overly dramatic about any restrictions, complaining about our house and habits, talking back with attitudes, and being mean to her little brother. It usually takes a whole day or more to turn her back to the sweet girl I raised, and sometimes this has to be done with discipline. I am tired of it.
The thing is, when I want to enforce some boundaries that I think are appropriate (with my kids only) when everyone is together, my husband’s relatives sometimes dismiss me or can be patronizing. My husband is more like his family, so he doesn’t see it as much as I do, despite multiple private discussions. I do not want to overly restrict her play with the cousins, as they are really good kids. But I want to be more mindful when I let her have extended sleepovers at the relatives’ house.
Recently during an outing, a relative directly said he planned for her to stay over during the summer. I felt weird about it—the statement was not even phrased as a question to me. I had a chat with my husband and told him that I would prefer to have my daughter stay closer to me for the couple of weeks that she doesn’t have summer camp, and that she should use the time to prep for her next grade anyway. If this is brought up in front of me again, how do I phrase my feelings politely? I don’t want to hurt the future relationship, but I do want to let my husband’s relatives know I have the parenting rights as a mother, and they should not circumvent me, as though my husband is my children’s only parent.
—Boundary Time
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jun. 13th, 2024 09:47 pmjadelennoxDear Pay Dirt,
In May, I traveled 1,000 miles at my own expense to attend my niece’s wedding. The invitation was unclear about the dress code, specifying formal cocktail attire for a 4 p.m. event. I texted her for clarification providing a list of possible sartorial choices from suit and tie, to polo shirt and khakis, to board shorts and flip-flops. She replied, “The attire is cocktail just no jeans or tennis shoes.” Based on that, I wore black dress shoes, black slacks, and a hand-screen, silk-blend Hawaiian-style shirt that resembled Fred Flintstone’s outfit. I thought it was dressy for cocktail, but fun to recognize the celebratory nature of the event and the time of day. ( Read more... )
conulyDear Care and Feeding,
I’m a stepmom in a blended family. My husband has a 5-year-old son, “Corey,” from his first marriage, and together we have a 5-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. We used to have Corey on Sunday afternoons, but his mom took a new job when he started kindergarten and pushed for custody changes. Parenting two kids all week is exhausting, and now we have Corey Friday through Sunday every week too. Corey has a lot of trouble every time he switches over from his mom’s house to ours, and tattles that his stepsister “isn’t following the rules”—but it’s because his mom is a helicopter parent, while our house is about independence-building. He’s clingy and needs help with everything, and the weekend is miserable for everyone.
Corey’s aunt takes him after school four days a week, but not on Fridays. This means we have to arrange once-a-week afterschool care for him, which is expensive and inconvenient, and I usually end up having to be the one who leaves work early for pickup because that care ends at 4:45 p.m. I’m exhausted by this and the full weekend of managing our two kids plus Corey that comes afterward, including driving him to activities, like soccer games, that his mom is happy to sign him up for and then leave to us to deal with. I need Corey’s aunt, at the very least, to take him on Fridays to make it fair, but she refuses because she blames me for her sister’s divorce. When I asked my husband to talk to his ex and her sister about making the childcare arrangement fairer, he said he’d do it but then made excuses and never did. I know the divorce was unfriendly, but it’s been nearly five years and I’m tired of dealing with this. Corey would benefit from more predictability with his aunt, I know. I also think if he wasn’t scheduled for weekend activities he’d become more independent. I can’t get any support for any of this! How do I get my calm weekends back?
—Overworked Stepmom
( Read more... )
I’m a stepmom in a blended family. My husband has a 5-year-old son, “Corey,” from his first marriage, and together we have a 5-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. We used to have Corey on Sunday afternoons, but his mom took a new job when he started kindergarten and pushed for custody changes. Parenting two kids all week is exhausting, and now we have Corey Friday through Sunday every week too. Corey has a lot of trouble every time he switches over from his mom’s house to ours, and tattles that his stepsister “isn’t following the rules”—but it’s because his mom is a helicopter parent, while our house is about independence-building. He’s clingy and needs help with everything, and the weekend is miserable for everyone.
Corey’s aunt takes him after school four days a week, but not on Fridays. This means we have to arrange once-a-week afterschool care for him, which is expensive and inconvenient, and I usually end up having to be the one who leaves work early for pickup because that care ends at 4:45 p.m. I’m exhausted by this and the full weekend of managing our two kids plus Corey that comes afterward, including driving him to activities, like soccer games, that his mom is happy to sign him up for and then leave to us to deal with. I need Corey’s aunt, at the very least, to take him on Fridays to make it fair, but she refuses because she blames me for her sister’s divorce. When I asked my husband to talk to his ex and her sister about making the childcare arrangement fairer, he said he’d do it but then made excuses and never did. I know the divorce was unfriendly, but it’s been nearly five years and I’m tired of dealing with this. Corey would benefit from more predictability with his aunt, I know. I also think if he wasn’t scheduled for weekend activities he’d become more independent. I can’t get any support for any of this! How do I get my calm weekends back?
—Overworked Stepmom
( Read more... )
petrea_mitchellDear Annie: My daughter is 8 years old and was recently diagnosed with autism. She was just diagnosed at age 7, but I have suspected she is autistic since about age 3 when she was severely speech-delayed.
Over the years, I had suggested she was autistic to my husband several times, and his responses were things like, “She’s just a little bit behind” and ‚”She’s just stubborn and hot-headed like her daddy.”
My concerns were always brushed off. However, he could no longer use those excuses when last year her classroom had to be evacuated due to her throwing furniture during one of her meltdowns.
Even during the evaluations, he seemed confident that she wouldn’t be diagnosed with autism, and when she was, he seemed to not take it well.
Due to her growing in both age and strength, I have needed additional help with her. I am a stay-at-home mom of three, and when she has bad days, it has been increasingly difficult for me.
My husband has been working fewer hours lately and has hired a care worker to help me on the days when he is working, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Since he’s been around more, he has been witnessing the meltdowns that I have been telling him about for years, and unfortunately he has not been handling them well.
Since her diagnosis, I have attended parent training and have been doing what has been advised to me. I am patient with her and help her regulate her emotions when she is not able to self-regulate.
He gets easily frustrated, yelling at her to “just stop,” or sometimes he tries to distract her with hugs or tickles (something that makes her meltdowns worse, as she doesn’t like to be touched in those moments).
When I try to explain to him that those things don’t work and she can’t “just stop,” then he turns his frustration toward me. He thinks that I believe he is not a good dad or doesn’t know how to handle her, but that’s not the case.
I just have much more experience with her meltdowns and am trying to give him advice so he can handle her meltdowns better. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. He loves me and loves our kids and is a great man. How can I help him understand her diagnosis better and help him to be more confident in helping her regulate without the frustration and drama that ensues anytime I try to help? -- Overstimulated
( Read more... )
Over the years, I had suggested she was autistic to my husband several times, and his responses were things like, “She’s just a little bit behind” and ‚”She’s just stubborn and hot-headed like her daddy.”
My concerns were always brushed off. However, he could no longer use those excuses when last year her classroom had to be evacuated due to her throwing furniture during one of her meltdowns.
Even during the evaluations, he seemed confident that she wouldn’t be diagnosed with autism, and when she was, he seemed to not take it well.
Due to her growing in both age and strength, I have needed additional help with her. I am a stay-at-home mom of three, and when she has bad days, it has been increasingly difficult for me.
My husband has been working fewer hours lately and has hired a care worker to help me on the days when he is working, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Since he’s been around more, he has been witnessing the meltdowns that I have been telling him about for years, and unfortunately he has not been handling them well.
Since her diagnosis, I have attended parent training and have been doing what has been advised to me. I am patient with her and help her regulate her emotions when she is not able to self-regulate.
He gets easily frustrated, yelling at her to “just stop,” or sometimes he tries to distract her with hugs or tickles (something that makes her meltdowns worse, as she doesn’t like to be touched in those moments).
When I try to explain to him that those things don’t work and she can’t “just stop,” then he turns his frustration toward me. He thinks that I believe he is not a good dad or doesn’t know how to handle her, but that’s not the case.
I just have much more experience with her meltdowns and am trying to give him advice so he can handle her meltdowns better. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. He loves me and loves our kids and is a great man. How can I help him understand her diagnosis better and help him to be more confident in helping her regulate without the frustration and drama that ensues anytime I try to help? -- Overstimulated
( Read more... )
conuly1. Dear Care and Feeding,
My son passed away in a car accident eight months ago, leaving my daughter-in-law, who I’ll call Nancy, with my grandchildren, who are 3-year-old twins. They lived in a big city, and they always flew home for Christmas, even before they were married. I’m very worried about Nancy and my grandchildren. Nancy works a very busy job and seems overwhelmed. She refused to fly here for Christmas this year, even though it’s barely a 3-hour flight and she visited her family for her Jewish holidays in another state, and she only reluctantly offered for me to stay with them when I insisted I wanted to see my grandchildren for the holidays. When I arrived, the house was a mess, and she seemed frazzled and couldn’t socialize very much. The kids seemed miserable and were throwing tantrums, and she seemed too tired to adequately take care of them for the week I was there.
Things have been frosty ever since she refused to let my grandsons be baptized, so I didn’t want to criticize her and make things worse, but the situation seems untenable at this point. I gently suggested getting a housecleaner, and she said that she couldn’t afford it, even though I’m sure that my son’s life insurance must have left her with a hefty sum. I also suggested it might be good for her to get a less busy job that pays more. She’s an attorney for a non-profit, and it would be more lucrative and less stressful for her to get a more traditional lawyer job. She got angry when I suggested it, and I don’t understand why she won’t make these kinds of changes to make her life easier. I also suggested that she could move in with me, and I’d pay all the relocation expenses. I have lots of space, since your buck goes further in the Midwest, and there’s a church down the street that has free daycare for the boys. I could even watch them on my time off. She told me bluntly that she thought I should get a hotel, and I acquiesced since she seemed so upset. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do or how to help! She won’t answer my calls now, and it’s been over a week and a half since I’ve facetimed with my grandsons.
—I Just Want to Help
( Read more... )
***
2. ( Cut for LW being awful, at a commenter's request )
My son passed away in a car accident eight months ago, leaving my daughter-in-law, who I’ll call Nancy, with my grandchildren, who are 3-year-old twins. They lived in a big city, and they always flew home for Christmas, even before they were married. I’m very worried about Nancy and my grandchildren. Nancy works a very busy job and seems overwhelmed. She refused to fly here for Christmas this year, even though it’s barely a 3-hour flight and she visited her family for her Jewish holidays in another state, and she only reluctantly offered for me to stay with them when I insisted I wanted to see my grandchildren for the holidays. When I arrived, the house was a mess, and she seemed frazzled and couldn’t socialize very much. The kids seemed miserable and were throwing tantrums, and she seemed too tired to adequately take care of them for the week I was there.
Things have been frosty ever since she refused to let my grandsons be baptized, so I didn’t want to criticize her and make things worse, but the situation seems untenable at this point. I gently suggested getting a housecleaner, and she said that she couldn’t afford it, even though I’m sure that my son’s life insurance must have left her with a hefty sum. I also suggested it might be good for her to get a less busy job that pays more. She’s an attorney for a non-profit, and it would be more lucrative and less stressful for her to get a more traditional lawyer job. She got angry when I suggested it, and I don’t understand why she won’t make these kinds of changes to make her life easier. I also suggested that she could move in with me, and I’d pay all the relocation expenses. I have lots of space, since your buck goes further in the Midwest, and there’s a church down the street that has free daycare for the boys. I could even watch them on my time off. She told me bluntly that she thought I should get a hotel, and I acquiesced since she seemed so upset. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do or how to help! She won’t answer my calls now, and it’s been over a week and a half since I’ve facetimed with my grandsons.
—I Just Want to Help
( Read more... )
2. ( Cut for LW being awful, at a commenter's request )
I have questions
Sep. 23rd, 2023 10:38 amjadelennoxDear Care and Feeding,
I am a woman in my late thirties who never had the opportunity for children of my own. I have a sister who is seven years younger and gave me a BEAUTIFUL niece two years ago who I couldn’t love more. ( Read more... )
(no subject)
Aug. 9th, 2023 04:29 pmysobelDear Amy: My 26-year-old son has been dating a woman for more than two years. We all get along really well.
My husband and I recently moved two hours away and have stayed at their apartment approximately five times over the past eight months. We stay only one night and usually take them out to dinner or have other fun activities with them while visiting. One time, we were there to see other friends, but staying with them was still handy, because they keep an eye on our dogs. My son doesn’t mind at all, as he has told us.
I recently found out his girlfriend does mind, and has told him that we abuse their hospitality and that she doesn’t feel comfortable in her own home when we’re there (although she has no problem accepting free meals/drinks from us). My son recently tried to break up with her (before this situation arose), but she talked him out of it.
I’m so distraught and hurt. I no longer feel comfortable staying there. Nor do I feel comfortable having her stay at our home or even being around her. Our son told her he is not happy about this but is generally avoiding confrontation. She doesn’t know that he told me how she feels. Any advice?
— Upset
( Read more... )
My husband and I recently moved two hours away and have stayed at their apartment approximately five times over the past eight months. We stay only one night and usually take them out to dinner or have other fun activities with them while visiting. One time, we were there to see other friends, but staying with them was still handy, because they keep an eye on our dogs. My son doesn’t mind at all, as he has told us.
I recently found out his girlfriend does mind, and has told him that we abuse their hospitality and that she doesn’t feel comfortable in her own home when we’re there (although she has no problem accepting free meals/drinks from us). My son recently tried to break up with her (before this situation arose), but she talked him out of it.
I’m so distraught and hurt. I no longer feel comfortable staying there. Nor do I feel comfortable having her stay at our home or even being around her. Our son told her he is not happy about this but is generally avoiding confrontation. She doesn’t know that he told me how she feels. Any advice?
— Upset
( Read more... )
ceretaDear Amy: My uncle has four daughters, each about two years apart in age, but his oldest daughter never really fit in.
Their mom obsessed over the three younger girls and mostly ignored her eldest.
As adults, the three younger sisters learned from a drunken aunt that their dad isn’t the oldest daughter’s biological father.
It turns out their mom was pregnant with her when she met her husband (in a bar). The daughters are all now in their 50s and for decades everyone in the family has known – except her.
I’ve always believed that someone should tell her. Her father and sisters have said it wasn’t their secret to tell – it was her mom’s, who died two years ago.
In the past few years, the oldest daughter has cut off all ties to her family.
When she didn’t go to her mom’s funeral, her father cut her out of his will without telling her.
There are complicated family dynamics, to put it mildly (her mom was a severe alcoholic and emotionally abusive).
I’m just a cousin, but I believe that someone should tell her.
It may be because I’m adopted, but I think that her DNA is something she/anyone should know, especially since dozens of other people know about it.
Should I be the one to tell her?
– Concerned Cousin
Dear Concerned: According to you, your cousin has been excluded since childhood and is now completely cut off from her immediate family.
In addition to other dynamics you describe, secrets also separate family members, interfering with relationships.
Your insight as someone who was adopted into the extended family is helpful. Your relative distance as a cousin might make this encounter easier for her.
She already knows she doesn’t “belong” with her kin, she likely already suspects that she has a different father from her siblings, or she may have already had her own DNA sampled.
Yes, I think this is a topic you should broach with your cousin. She has the right to know what so many others already know. One can hope that discovering another group of DNA relatives will bring her into a more deserving family fold.
Their mom obsessed over the three younger girls and mostly ignored her eldest.
As adults, the three younger sisters learned from a drunken aunt that their dad isn’t the oldest daughter’s biological father.
It turns out their mom was pregnant with her when she met her husband (in a bar). The daughters are all now in their 50s and for decades everyone in the family has known – except her.
I’ve always believed that someone should tell her. Her father and sisters have said it wasn’t their secret to tell – it was her mom’s, who died two years ago.
In the past few years, the oldest daughter has cut off all ties to her family.
When she didn’t go to her mom’s funeral, her father cut her out of his will without telling her.
There are complicated family dynamics, to put it mildly (her mom was a severe alcoholic and emotionally abusive).
I’m just a cousin, but I believe that someone should tell her.
It may be because I’m adopted, but I think that her DNA is something she/anyone should know, especially since dozens of other people know about it.
Should I be the one to tell her?
– Concerned Cousin
Dear Concerned: According to you, your cousin has been excluded since childhood and is now completely cut off from her immediate family.
In addition to other dynamics you describe, secrets also separate family members, interfering with relationships.
Your insight as someone who was adopted into the extended family is helpful. Your relative distance as a cousin might make this encounter easier for her.
She already knows she doesn’t “belong” with her kin, she likely already suspects that she has a different father from her siblings, or she may have already had her own DNA sampled.
Yes, I think this is a topic you should broach with your cousin. She has the right to know what so many others already know. One can hope that discovering another group of DNA relatives will bring her into a more deserving family fold.
conuly1. DEAR ABBY: I am 76. My husband and I planned our final wishes for cremation because I have had a lifelong fear of being buried underground. My children from my first marriage are Jewish and very much against cremation. When I told them my wishes, they attacked me with a barrage of negatives about cremation, such as, "You won't go to heaven," "You won't see your deceased mother or grandson in heaven," "We won't be able to say kaddish for you," etc., so I immediately changed my plans. My husband and I purchased side-by-side crypts, thinking it was an acceptable alternative.
I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA
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2. Around a decade ago, my mom informed each of her children that she and my stepfather put a codicil in their wills disinheriting any of their children married to someone not recognized as Jewish by her local Orthodox Rabbinate.
I believe a will is not just about money; it’s also an expression of values and love. I have strongly objected to this codicil, or more specifically, to her having informed us about it: The two are thereby using their wealth as an implicit weapon in service of their religious views.
She says I’m reading too much into it. She claims she informed us in the name of “transparency,” so we wouldn’t be surprised later, and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases, anyway — though she concedes that she also informed us in case it may influence decisions we make.
I’ve since married someone who fits her definition of a Jew, so the codicil doesn’t apply to me. Still, I have three middle-aged siblings who are all not religious and unmarried, and I think they remain so at least partially because they’re stuck, unable to both follow their hearts and avoid betraying my mother’s love — and its most powerful signifier, her will. Is she right to have the codicil? And to have told us about it? — Name Withheld
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I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA
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2. Around a decade ago, my mom informed each of her children that she and my stepfather put a codicil in their wills disinheriting any of their children married to someone not recognized as Jewish by her local Orthodox Rabbinate.
I believe a will is not just about money; it’s also an expression of values and love. I have strongly objected to this codicil, or more specifically, to her having informed us about it: The two are thereby using their wealth as an implicit weapon in service of their religious views.
She says I’m reading too much into it. She claims she informed us in the name of “transparency,” so we wouldn’t be surprised later, and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases, anyway — though she concedes that she also informed us in case it may influence decisions we make.
I’ve since married someone who fits her definition of a Jew, so the codicil doesn’t apply to me. Still, I have three middle-aged siblings who are all not religious and unmarried, and I think they remain so at least partially because they’re stuck, unable to both follow their hearts and avoid betraying my mother’s love — and its most powerful signifier, her will. Is she right to have the codicil? And to have told us about it? — Name Withheld
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(no subject)
Jun. 12th, 2023 02:42 pmconulyDear Carolyn: Is being truthful always the way forward? For the first 10 years of our committed relationship, my wife’s family disowned her and us because we are two women. We became parents through kin adoption, and the in-laws slowly forged a relationship with us and our kids. Our kids have deep, meaningful relationships with their grandparents.
We sent out a save-the-date for our 30th anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our marriage, and we want to do it with friends and family near and far. My in-laws informed us they have never believed in our marriage, because marriage is only between a man and a woman. They will not be coming. They told our kids (older teens, young adults) they won’t be coming because they have a long-planned trip across the globe.
In-laws have warned us that we will destroy the family if we tell the kids the real reason the in-laws aren’t coming. They aren’t wrong. Our kids would be devastated to know.
With the adoption and messy extended family, we have built a family based on truth and transparency. My kids would also be devastated if they knew we lied to them. Kids are pressuring us to change the date so grandparents can come. I really have no idea what I’m supposed to say or not say.
— To Tell or Not to Tell
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We sent out a save-the-date for our 30th anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our marriage, and we want to do it with friends and family near and far. My in-laws informed us they have never believed in our marriage, because marriage is only between a man and a woman. They will not be coming. They told our kids (older teens, young adults) they won’t be coming because they have a long-planned trip across the globe.
In-laws have warned us that we will destroy the family if we tell the kids the real reason the in-laws aren’t coming. They aren’t wrong. Our kids would be devastated to know.
With the adoption and messy extended family, we have built a family based on truth and transparency. My kids would also be devastated if they knew we lied to them. Kids are pressuring us to change the date so grandparents can come. I really have no idea what I’m supposed to say or not say.
— To Tell or Not to Tell
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conulyThe first is under a cut because it's awful, the second is under a cut for solidarity.
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(no subject)
Mar. 23rd, 2023 05:23 pmconulyDear Carolyn: For years, my oldest son and his girlfriend said they would never get married; she was against it. Then, five years ago, she relented and they got married, by all accounts happily.
They are financially secure: well-paying jobs, no debt on their advanced degrees, a rental property they own outright, a manageable mortgage on their home, late-model cars.
Indeed, my son and his wife have worked hard, but we and the in-laws have also provided our ongoing support.
But there is a rub: Our daughter-in-law steadfastly refuses to consider having children — and our son stands by her decision.
Her reason — or the reason they are standing behind — is climate change. In her opinion, it would be the height of cruelty to bring a child into a world that faces such an apocalyptic and nihilistic future.
I will grant you that our country has this and other major problems. But there is an existential question here: What have my and my wife’s lives amounted to, if we have not inculcated a basic will to survive to the next generation?
To make matters more complicated, they channel all their time and energy into biking, hiking, rock-climbing, kayaking, etc. We despair that our younger children will make the same lifestyle choices — especially under the influence of their older sibling.
To many observers, it would seem our kids have been spoiled. And on some level, that is true. But the urge to face an uncertain future and procreate in the face of adversity is supposed to be part of the human condition.
Every generation faces some dire threat. My father’s generation was told to go shoot Hitler. My generation learned to “duck and cover” to avoid nuclear annihilation. How can climate change be worse? Any advice?
— Despairing
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They are financially secure: well-paying jobs, no debt on their advanced degrees, a rental property they own outright, a manageable mortgage on their home, late-model cars.
Indeed, my son and his wife have worked hard, but we and the in-laws have also provided our ongoing support.
But there is a rub: Our daughter-in-law steadfastly refuses to consider having children — and our son stands by her decision.
Her reason — or the reason they are standing behind — is climate change. In her opinion, it would be the height of cruelty to bring a child into a world that faces such an apocalyptic and nihilistic future.
I will grant you that our country has this and other major problems. But there is an existential question here: What have my and my wife’s lives amounted to, if we have not inculcated a basic will to survive to the next generation?
To make matters more complicated, they channel all their time and energy into biking, hiking, rock-climbing, kayaking, etc. We despair that our younger children will make the same lifestyle choices — especially under the influence of their older sibling.
To many observers, it would seem our kids have been spoiled. And on some level, that is true. But the urge to face an uncertain future and procreate in the face of adversity is supposed to be part of the human condition.
Every generation faces some dire threat. My father’s generation was told to go shoot Hitler. My generation learned to “duck and cover” to avoid nuclear annihilation. How can climate change be worse? Any advice?
— Despairing
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(no subject)
Mar. 20th, 2023 02:47 amconulyDear Care and Feeding,
I need some help navigating a situation in my blended family. My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.
The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June. Each student only gets five tickets. My stepdaughter wants her tickets to go to her mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and father. I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony. To her credit, my stepdaughter called me herself to explain the situation, but the conversation went sideways. I was taken aback when she said that she wanted the people closest to her at the ceremony. I do not think it is fair that I am being treated as less than her stepfather or grandmother. I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect. She became distraught and ended the phone call.
I have proposed a number of solutions to my husband: both her stepfather and I can refrain from going; her grandmother could take a step back and allow the parents and stepparents to attend together; my younger stepdaughter could skip the ceremony and join us afterwards. My husband is reluctant to push the issue and has asked me not to make him choose. My stepdaughter is hoping to procure a ticket that one of her classmates will not have use for, but I’m not sure how to proceed if she can’t get an extra ticket. I want to preserve the relationships going forward, but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.
— Graduation Blues
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I need some help navigating a situation in my blended family. My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.
The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June. Each student only gets five tickets. My stepdaughter wants her tickets to go to her mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and father. I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony. To her credit, my stepdaughter called me herself to explain the situation, but the conversation went sideways. I was taken aback when she said that she wanted the people closest to her at the ceremony. I do not think it is fair that I am being treated as less than her stepfather or grandmother. I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect. She became distraught and ended the phone call.
I have proposed a number of solutions to my husband: both her stepfather and I can refrain from going; her grandmother could take a step back and allow the parents and stepparents to attend together; my younger stepdaughter could skip the ceremony and join us afterwards. My husband is reluctant to push the issue and has asked me not to make him choose. My stepdaughter is hoping to procure a ticket that one of her classmates will not have use for, but I’m not sure how to proceed if she can’t get an extra ticket. I want to preserve the relationships going forward, but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.
— Graduation Blues
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(no subject)
Mar. 19th, 2023 04:23 pmconulyDear Therapist,
When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.
We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.
Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?
My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.
Thank you for any advice you have to offer.
Anonymous
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When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.
We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.
Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?
My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.
Thank you for any advice you have to offer.
Anonymous
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ceretaHi Carolyn: My sister came out as trans last summer and began going by a beautiful feminine name. Certain members of our family have expressed resistance and “compromised” by agreeing to call her by her gender-neutral middle name, which our parents chose for her at birth. She tolerates it and has told me she thinks it’s good enough.
I exclusively use the name she wants — it’s her name!! — but what should I do when I hear one of these relatives use the middle name? Do I let it slide, because that’s what my sister herself is doing, or correct them and make a stink, every single time?
— Nickname
Nickname: “Who?” Then when they answer: “Oh, you mean [beautiful feminine name]. Her name is [beautiful feminine name].” Say it every single g.d. time.
When I answered this originally, I said to call them by the wrong name — and if they didn’t like it, then say you are willing to compromise, you just need to like what you call them.
But with a cooler head, I realized your sister might not want you to fight her battle for her or to fight it this way — as richly as your relatives deserve it.
I do still, many months later, have no answer for why people are so insistently obtuse about treating someone in a way they’d never stand to be treated.
I exclusively use the name she wants — it’s her name!! — but what should I do when I hear one of these relatives use the middle name? Do I let it slide, because that’s what my sister herself is doing, or correct them and make a stink, every single time?
— Nickname
Nickname: “Who?” Then when they answer: “Oh, you mean [beautiful feminine name]. Her name is [beautiful feminine name].” Say it every single g.d. time.
When I answered this originally, I said to call them by the wrong name — and if they didn’t like it, then say you are willing to compromise, you just need to like what you call them.
But with a cooler head, I realized your sister might not want you to fight her battle for her or to fight it this way — as richly as your relatives deserve it.
I do still, many months later, have no answer for why people are so insistently obtuse about treating someone in a way they’d never stand to be treated.
Help! My family is royally messed up!
Jan. 15th, 2023 10:39 amgreen_grrlPrince Harry shared a lot of family dysfunction in his memoir. The Washington Post podcast did a interview with Carolyn Hax where they posed some fictional letters for help from royal family members for her to give advice on. As per usual with Carolyn, good answers. I thought comm readers might be interested. 26 minutes.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/podcasts/post-reports/help-my-family-is-royally-messed-up/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/podcasts/post-reports/help-my-family-is-royally-messed-up/
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minoanmissThe original title: My Brother-in-Law Thinks He Knows Why Women Won’t Date Him. He’s So Wrong. ( Read more... )
