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conuly1. DEAR ABBY: I am 76. My husband and I planned our final wishes for cremation because I have had a lifelong fear of being buried underground. My children from my first marriage are Jewish and very much against cremation. When I told them my wishes, they attacked me with a barrage of negatives about cremation, such as, "You won't go to heaven," "You won't see your deceased mother or grandson in heaven," "We won't be able to say kaddish for you," etc., so I immediately changed my plans. My husband and I purchased side-by-side crypts, thinking it was an acceptable alternative.
I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA
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2. Around a decade ago, my mom informed each of her children that she and my stepfather put a codicil in their wills disinheriting any of their children married to someone not recognized as Jewish by her local Orthodox Rabbinate.
I believe a will is not just about money; it’s also an expression of values and love. I have strongly objected to this codicil, or more specifically, to her having informed us about it: The two are thereby using their wealth as an implicit weapon in service of their religious views.
She says I’m reading too much into it. She claims she informed us in the name of “transparency,” so we wouldn’t be surprised later, and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases, anyway — though she concedes that she also informed us in case it may influence decisions we make.
I’ve since married someone who fits her definition of a Jew, so the codicil doesn’t apply to me. Still, I have three middle-aged siblings who are all not religious and unmarried, and I think they remain so at least partially because they’re stuck, unable to both follow their hearts and avoid betraying my mother’s love — and its most powerful signifier, her will. Is she right to have the codicil? And to have told us about it? — Name Withheld
( Read more... )
I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA
( Read more... )
2. Around a decade ago, my mom informed each of her children that she and my stepfather put a codicil in their wills disinheriting any of their children married to someone not recognized as Jewish by her local Orthodox Rabbinate.
I believe a will is not just about money; it’s also an expression of values and love. I have strongly objected to this codicil, or more specifically, to her having informed us about it: The two are thereby using their wealth as an implicit weapon in service of their religious views.
She says I’m reading too much into it. She claims she informed us in the name of “transparency,” so we wouldn’t be surprised later, and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases, anyway — though she concedes that she also informed us in case it may influence decisions we make.
I’ve since married someone who fits her definition of a Jew, so the codicil doesn’t apply to me. Still, I have three middle-aged siblings who are all not religious and unmarried, and I think they remain so at least partially because they’re stuck, unable to both follow their hearts and avoid betraying my mother’s love — and its most powerful signifier, her will. Is she right to have the codicil? And to have told us about it? — Name Withheld
( Read more... )
Freakin' Doyin, guys....
Mar. 28th, 2023 03:44 pmconulyDear Care and Feeding,
I have two boys, aged 8 and 5, who have recently been introduced to nerf guns. My husband and I are not gun people, and I personally have a lot of anxiety about school shootings and sending my kids out into a world with guns. It’s important to me that they understand that guns are not toys, and I hate the idea of them having pretend wars with their friends. My cousin died by suicide when I was a teenager, and even though I know nerf guns are pretend and lots of kids have them, I can’t help but hate everything they represent. We don’t allow them in the house, but it seems like every friend of theirs has them and when we go over to play they inevitably gravitate towards them. I’m not sure what to do. It seems unreasonable to not allow them to play with certain toys at a friend’s house and I don’t know if this is a personal hang up of mine or if I have cause to be concerned. Is this something I should try to let go of, or is this something I should draw stricter boundaries around and ask their friends’ parents to put them away before we come over?
—Can’t they just play with LEGOs?
( As long as they're not calling anybody a poopyhead, it's all right )
I have two boys, aged 8 and 5, who have recently been introduced to nerf guns. My husband and I are not gun people, and I personally have a lot of anxiety about school shootings and sending my kids out into a world with guns. It’s important to me that they understand that guns are not toys, and I hate the idea of them having pretend wars with their friends. My cousin died by suicide when I was a teenager, and even though I know nerf guns are pretend and lots of kids have them, I can’t help but hate everything they represent. We don’t allow them in the house, but it seems like every friend of theirs has them and when we go over to play they inevitably gravitate towards them. I’m not sure what to do. It seems unreasonable to not allow them to play with certain toys at a friend’s house and I don’t know if this is a personal hang up of mine or if I have cause to be concerned. Is this something I should try to let go of, or is this something I should draw stricter boundaries around and ask their friends’ parents to put them away before we come over?
—Can’t they just play with LEGOs?
( As long as they're not calling anybody a poopyhead, it's all right )
Why are people so weird about Santa?
Dec. 21st, 2022 05:35 pmysobel...I swear it seems like the only two options are "believe/participate" and "be an ass about it not being real". (And ... cookies are fat-shaming now?
Dear Amy: I live in a country that celebrates a tradition that I am, at best, uneasy with. It involves a bizarre ritual by which parents of small children routinely lie to them about the existence of an elderly domestic intruder who supposedly brings small chocolate statues of himself along with toys and gifts once a year (spoiler alert: the parents buy this stuff).
These are otherwise reasonable people who do their best to teach honesty, good communication, integrity and good values to their children. I’ve assimilated well to the point that I, too, am complicit in this charade, along with almost all my neighbors, friends, colleagues and all their relatives.
I want to teach my kids about the shamanic origins of this intriguing but overly caricatured figure, instead of fat-shaming him with cookies and milk (seriously).
It’s important for me to keep (or at least regain) my kids’ trust despite this betrayal. How do I come clean to my kids, who are 7 and 4 and have grown to embrace this tradition?
— No Gaslight
( Read more... )
Dear Amy: I live in a country that celebrates a tradition that I am, at best, uneasy with. It involves a bizarre ritual by which parents of small children routinely lie to them about the existence of an elderly domestic intruder who supposedly brings small chocolate statues of himself along with toys and gifts once a year (spoiler alert: the parents buy this stuff).
These are otherwise reasonable people who do their best to teach honesty, good communication, integrity and good values to their children. I’ve assimilated well to the point that I, too, am complicit in this charade, along with almost all my neighbors, friends, colleagues and all their relatives.
I want to teach my kids about the shamanic origins of this intriguing but overly caricatured figure, instead of fat-shaming him with cookies and milk (seriously).
It’s important for me to keep (or at least regain) my kids’ trust despite this betrayal. How do I come clean to my kids, who are 7 and 4 and have grown to embrace this tradition?
— No Gaslight
( Read more... )
Ask A Teacher: 50 Acres vs Education
Feb. 3rd, 2021 10:51 amminoanmiss My oldest child been a high-ability learner since he was under a year old. Now he is in first grade and testing in the top 98 percent of the state in math and reading. My husband grew up on a farm, and we have the opportunity to move close to family and build our dream home on over 50 acres of land. In many ways I know this will have a positive impact on my children, as they can help grandparents with farm chores and be close to cousins, and I truly believe nature is a nature stress reliever for my intelligent and anxious child.( Read more... )
ceretaDear Amy: I am a married woman. My husband and his younger sister are of a Mediterranean nationality. Family relationships are "closer" there, I think, than those in North America or Europe.
I was shocked to see my husband and his sister in our bathroom together. She was putting on makeup, he was brushing his teeth.
We were in a hurry to leave the house, but there was a half-bath downstairs that one of them could have used.
I have been in the bathroom with my own older brother, but it was to install new toilets -- something practical -- not to do something "intimate," that, in my opinion, is only for a husband and wife to share.
I felt very "strange" about this situation. Then it happened a second time. I have decided that if it happens again, I will join them in the bathroom and put on my makeup or brush my teeth with them to see if they understand that I'm disturbed by this situation.
-- Too Close!
Dear Too Close!: If brushing one's teeth or putting on makeup is considered an uncomfortably intimate act that only married partners should share, then we need to completely revamp sexual education in this country.
I don't think this is an ethnic thing or a national characteristic.
I think this is a "you" problem.
Taking your letter at face value, these two siblings were basically sharing a mirror.
Many siblings that grew up in close households and perhaps shared a bathroom with other family members throughout their childhoods wouldn't think twice about sharing their bathroom ablutions.
Because this bothers you so much, you should probably express your concern directly to these two, instead of passively trying to get your message across. But you should also anticipate some bewilderment on their part.
I was shocked to see my husband and his sister in our bathroom together. She was putting on makeup, he was brushing his teeth.
We were in a hurry to leave the house, but there was a half-bath downstairs that one of them could have used.
I have been in the bathroom with my own older brother, but it was to install new toilets -- something practical -- not to do something "intimate," that, in my opinion, is only for a husband and wife to share.
I felt very "strange" about this situation. Then it happened a second time. I have decided that if it happens again, I will join them in the bathroom and put on my makeup or brush my teeth with them to see if they understand that I'm disturbed by this situation.
-- Too Close!
Dear Too Close!: If brushing one's teeth or putting on makeup is considered an uncomfortably intimate act that only married partners should share, then we need to completely revamp sexual education in this country.
I don't think this is an ethnic thing or a national characteristic.
I think this is a "you" problem.
Taking your letter at face value, these two siblings were basically sharing a mirror.
Many siblings that grew up in close households and perhaps shared a bathroom with other family members throughout their childhoods wouldn't think twice about sharing their bathroom ablutions.
Because this bothers you so much, you should probably express your concern directly to these two, instead of passively trying to get your message across. But you should also anticipate some bewilderment on their part.
