agonyaunt | Entries tagged with buh wha?

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have never had an easy relationship with my mother-in-law. She is an Orthodox Jew and I come from the Bible Belt. She initially told my future husband that he wasn’t allowed to date me and later, when it became clear he wasn’t going to abide by her dictate, she took me aside and explained that marriage wasn’t possible between us because any future children wouldn’t be considered Jewish as it passes down the maternal line and that within the Orthodox tradition, conversion was viewed with skepticism. For good measure, she added that she couldn’t bear coming to her son’s home and seeing a Christmas tree. When we married, she basically hijacked our wedding plans to ensure it didn’t offend anyone she knew. We had little say in the wedding plans—not even the wedding date.

Fast forward a few years: Things have only improved slightly. I have gone above and beyond to try and ingratiate myself with my in-laws. When our kids were toddlers, I invited them over for Christmas and pulled out all the stops (they routinely spent Christmas at the home of Christian friends). I decorated the house to the hilt, made every dish from scratch for Christmas lunch, and was as gracious as any Southern belle could be. On her way out the door, my mother-in-law declared, “It was all too much, too much. Never again!” I shut the door and burst into tears.
In the intervening years, my in-laws have had a relatively cordial relationship with me and our children. Their preference for their other granddaughter (my sister-in-law married a Jewish man) is clear to both me and my daughters. Despite living just 20 minutes away, we probably only see them four or five times a year. My in-laws seemed much more content taking multiple cruises throughout the year than building a relationship with our kids. I think all parties were more or less fine with that, although I was genuinely sad that our daughters would never have the wonderful, life-enriching relationships I enjoyed with my grandparents.

Then the inevitable happened: My mother-in-law fell and broke her hip. She’s now in a nursing home for her post-op rehab, but the expectation is that we visit as often as possible. Beyond that, it’s clear that the future is bleak, especially as my MIL is reluctant to participate in the most basic physical therapy. Already, my husband is expected to take my father-in-law to medical appointments since my mother-in-law can’t accompany him. I’ve asked my husband what our future relationship with his parents will look like, but even he knows he’s the “bad son,” so he is now expected to prove himself. I don’t know how to support him, how to guide our (now early teen) daughters through this, and I’m grappling with my own feelings of resentment toward my MIL and wanting to support my husband, whose own feelings are mixed. Any advice would be welcome.

—Bible Belt Shiksa

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oursin

Bad events knocked the joy out of my life. How do I get it back?

The question I feel as though, over the years, I’ve allowed setbacks to knock down all my pillars of happiness and now feel I just live among the ruins.When I was young, I read books where naive anti-heroes had funny experiences and I thought if I was open-minded, funny things would happen to me, too. I now realise it’s probably not how people experience life.Twenty years ago, I ended up on an art MA, but the main tutor hated me and refused to let me on to the second year. I’d been doing fun stuff that lots of people liked, but she managed to annihilate all my enthusiasm for art.Then one of my best friends just stopped talking to me and never told me why. It shook my feeling that friendship was a strong bond and since then people can be in my life, but I don’t hold on to them very well for long.A relationship ended after a lengthy court case and, since then, more than a decade ago, I have struggled to enjoy anything. Then I accepted a job where I was given minimal training, but was constantly berated for getting stuff wrong and after six months had a breakdown.

I know there’s a thing about not allowing people to have power over you, but it’s felt like a series of knockout blows. I want more out of life and I thought if I waited something would grow, like weeds do after you clear some ground, but nothing really has. How do I find my way to enjoyment?

( Philippa’s answer, seems to be missing the point )

conuly

Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous

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ermingarden

Several years ago I was frustrated with the way people went about looking for jobs. I’m a small business owner and even before running my own company, I always networked. Through networking I’ve managed to do so much. Today I run six networking groups.

Again, several years ago I created a t-shirt designed to network for you. It lists various fields, each with a checkbox by it, and comes with a small sharpie so you can check off the type of job or career you desire. By wearing the t-shirt everywhere you go, it starts the job seeking conversation.
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azurelunatic

First letter:

HR won’t do anything about a coworker who’s angry about my weight loss
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/02/hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html

& original community discussion https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/594086.html

( Dramatic clothing size drop due to removal of dangerously large )

What on earth. ( More of Alison's response )

Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/update-hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
( OP lawyers up, high-up HR's response, and Aubrey's lawn tantrum )

ysobel

Dear Miss Manners: I have been friends with a woman for almost 15 years. We are part of a group that often gets together for game nights, and we also celebrate important days in our lives.

On her last birthday, I offered to take her out to dinner, something we have done for both of our birthdays every year. She responded by saying she wants to take a break from seeing all the people in the gaming group until further notice. Our other friends say they still see her, but she refuses to see me or respond to my texts or emails. I am confused and bewildered about why she has ended our friendship. Our other friends aren’t sure why she made this decision.

I would apologize, but don’t know what I did to create this chasm between us. After no response to two emails and a letter where I expressed a desire to talk through what is going on, I don’t know what else to do. Should I just accept the end of our friendship and move on? Even if she eventually reaches out, I am hurt and confused and not sure how to respond.

It is too soon to give up, if only because you admit the possibility that you may have done something that requires an apology. The question is, what?

Contrary to what you have been told, your other friends — at least some of them — do know what happened. They just (understandably) do not want to be put in the middle. Ask them again, one by one, until one confesses, reports your question back to your longtime friend or persuades you they truly don’t know. The most likely outcome is that you will learn something that will inform you of what to do next.

conuly

Dear Carolyn: For years, my oldest son and his girlfriend said they would never get married; she was against it. Then, five years ago, she relented and they got married, by all accounts happily.

They are financially secure: well-paying jobs, no debt on their advanced degrees, a rental property they own outright, a manageable mortgage on their home, late-model cars.

Indeed, my son and his wife have worked hard, but we and the in-laws have also provided our ongoing support.

But there is a rub: Our daughter-in-law steadfastly refuses to consider having children — and our son stands by her decision.

Her reason — or the reason they are standing behind — is climate change. In her opinion, it would be the height of cruelty to bring a child into a world that faces such an apocalyptic and nihilistic future.

I will grant you that our country has this and other major problems. But there is an existential question here: What have my and my wife’s lives amounted to, if we have not inculcated a basic will to survive to the next generation?

To make matters more complicated, they channel all their time and energy into biking, hiking, rock-climbing, kayaking, etc. We despair that our younger children will make the same lifestyle choices — especially under the influence of their older sibling.

To many observers, it would seem our kids have been spoiled. And on some level, that is true. But the urge to face an uncertain future and procreate in the face of adversity is supposed to be part of the human condition.

Every generation faces some dire threat. My father’s generation was told to go shoot Hitler. My generation learned to “duck and cover” to avoid nuclear annihilation. How can climate change be worse? Any advice?

— Despairing

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