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agonyaunt2020-05-19 05:10 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-05-19 05:10 pm
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Dear Care & Feeding: Baby's First Catharsis
Dear Care and Feeding,
We have a wonderful 21-month-old son, whom I will refer to as Lennon, who has shown a keen interest in music since he was an infant. We listen to all kinds of music with him. In addition to the ubiquitous “Baby Shark” and “Baa-Baa Black Sheep,” he also enjoys Bach and Ella Fitzgerald. When he was 10 months old, we started taking him to weekly Music Together classes—group singing and instrument sessions for babies. He loved them! There was, however, a song that was part of the Music Together playlist that, from the very first time he heard it, made him burst out crying. The song is called “All the Ponies”:
All the ponies galloping, galloping down the country lane
All the ponies galloping, galloping down the country lane
All the ponies coming home
All tired out
All tired out
When the ponies come home, the song slows down and takes on a sadder hue than the earlier refrain, when it is bright and cheery. My wife and I think that Lennon’s emotional reaction comes from something to do with the tired ponies and the cadence of the outro. He’s now heard the song multiple times, and he has cried inconsolably every time. Ten days ago, at home, he requested a song he called “Otyta.” When we couldn’t figure out what he was talking about, he added, “All Ponies!” So, with a little trepidation, we sang the song for him. And he burst out crying—even harder than when he was younger and first heard it at Music Together.
Since then, whenever Lennon has asked for “Otyta,” we would just sing or play other music and he would forget about his original request. But today he asked for it again, and very insistently. We asked him to tell us more about the song, and he talked about the ponies. We explained that whenever he’s heard the song before, he hasn’t enjoyed it, and asked if perhaps he’d like to hear another song? But he wasn’t having it. So my wife began to whistle the tune, and as soon as she got to the “all tired out” bit, he started crying again.
For the most part, our son is a well-behaved, bubbly, and goofy little fellow. But “Otyta” really brings something out in him, and I’m not sure what it is or what it means. What do you think is going on? It feels like he’s being a bit masochistic in seeking out what seems to be emotionally traumatic music. Is that possible? Am I reading too much into the situation? Should we always redirect his attention when he asks for “Otyta”? Or should we play or sing it when he asks for it?
—Confused Parents
Dear Confused,
Small children are weird and much of what they do and say is inexplicable. But if I had to guess (and I guess I have to guess), I would say that Lennon is doing something like what we (also weird) adults do when we choose to watch a movie we know is going to make us cry. We like the way that feels. It’s cathartic. It’s strangely soothing, even, to cry about something that isn’t your own personal sadness (maybe even especially right now) and yet helps to release some pent-up sad feelings—or fear or grief or any other hard feeling that we’re on the brink of, or otherwise suppressing, or just need to experience in a safe way.
If I’m right about this in Lennon’s case, he doesn’t know that’s what he’s doing. But I do think he wants to experience this feeling. His crying when he hears the sad-sounding part of this song doesn’t seem like an unanticipated effect, a bad moment in an otherwise pleasurable experience (as if he were seeking the pleasurable part and then was surprised anew, each time, by his own tears). I think he’s working something out in his own weird little toddler way. And because music is his thing, it’s unsurprising that he would be working it out through a musical experience.
I think you should play or sing “Otyta” whenever he asks for it. Until you get sick of it. (When you can’t bear another repetition of “Otyta,” I recommend “The Circle Game” by Joni Mitchell. I’m betting that would give Lennon the good cry he’s seeking too.) And for a good read on the subject of why and how songs make people cry—along with a list of some tried-and-true ones that do—check out this piece in the Atlantic.
We have a wonderful 21-month-old son, whom I will refer to as Lennon, who has shown a keen interest in music since he was an infant. We listen to all kinds of music with him. In addition to the ubiquitous “Baby Shark” and “Baa-Baa Black Sheep,” he also enjoys Bach and Ella Fitzgerald. When he was 10 months old, we started taking him to weekly Music Together classes—group singing and instrument sessions for babies. He loved them! There was, however, a song that was part of the Music Together playlist that, from the very first time he heard it, made him burst out crying. The song is called “All the Ponies”:
All the ponies galloping, galloping down the country lane
All the ponies galloping, galloping down the country lane
All the ponies coming home
All tired out
All tired out
When the ponies come home, the song slows down and takes on a sadder hue than the earlier refrain, when it is bright and cheery. My wife and I think that Lennon’s emotional reaction comes from something to do with the tired ponies and the cadence of the outro. He’s now heard the song multiple times, and he has cried inconsolably every time. Ten days ago, at home, he requested a song he called “Otyta.” When we couldn’t figure out what he was talking about, he added, “All Ponies!” So, with a little trepidation, we sang the song for him. And he burst out crying—even harder than when he was younger and first heard it at Music Together.
Since then, whenever Lennon has asked for “Otyta,” we would just sing or play other music and he would forget about his original request. But today he asked for it again, and very insistently. We asked him to tell us more about the song, and he talked about the ponies. We explained that whenever he’s heard the song before, he hasn’t enjoyed it, and asked if perhaps he’d like to hear another song? But he wasn’t having it. So my wife began to whistle the tune, and as soon as she got to the “all tired out” bit, he started crying again.
For the most part, our son is a well-behaved, bubbly, and goofy little fellow. But “Otyta” really brings something out in him, and I’m not sure what it is or what it means. What do you think is going on? It feels like he’s being a bit masochistic in seeking out what seems to be emotionally traumatic music. Is that possible? Am I reading too much into the situation? Should we always redirect his attention when he asks for “Otyta”? Or should we play or sing it when he asks for it?
—Confused Parents
Dear Confused,
Small children are weird and much of what they do and say is inexplicable. But if I had to guess (and I guess I have to guess), I would say that Lennon is doing something like what we (also weird) adults do when we choose to watch a movie we know is going to make us cry. We like the way that feels. It’s cathartic. It’s strangely soothing, even, to cry about something that isn’t your own personal sadness (maybe even especially right now) and yet helps to release some pent-up sad feelings—or fear or grief or any other hard feeling that we’re on the brink of, or otherwise suppressing, or just need to experience in a safe way.
If I’m right about this in Lennon’s case, he doesn’t know that’s what he’s doing. But I do think he wants to experience this feeling. His crying when he hears the sad-sounding part of this song doesn’t seem like an unanticipated effect, a bad moment in an otherwise pleasurable experience (as if he were seeking the pleasurable part and then was surprised anew, each time, by his own tears). I think he’s working something out in his own weird little toddler way. And because music is his thing, it’s unsurprising that he would be working it out through a musical experience.
I think you should play or sing “Otyta” whenever he asks for it. Until you get sick of it. (When you can’t bear another repetition of “Otyta,” I recommend “The Circle Game” by Joni Mitchell. I’m betting that would give Lennon the good cry he’s seeking too.) And for a good read on the subject of why and how songs make people cry—along with a list of some tried-and-true ones that do—check out this piece in the Atlantic.