Agony Aunt

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Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together three years and live separately. He lost his wife six years ago and his children have not accepted any of his new romantic relationships. They are 23, 20, and 16. I actually worked with his eldest on a volunteer project, only for her to turn so nasty and hostile when she found out that I had dinner with her father that the coordinator had to keep us on separate schedules. It was bizarre. At that point, I would have considered us friendly.

My partner is a kind, loving man. He put his kids in therapy after he lost his wife, but the older two stopped going after they got older. He has assured his kids that he always will love their mother and would never try to replace her, but he doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. It hasn’t made a dent. I love him and wasn’t expecting it to be all sunshine and roses, but the kids refuse to warm up to me. Getting them to be civil is like pulling teeth. I hit my limit when his 16-year-old son took job that was out of town. He doesn’t drive and no one could pick him up after his shifts. It was, however, on my commute. I stupidly volunteered to pick him up.

What I got for my help was a sullen lump that refused to even make small talk about the weather. Then one time, I was about a half hour late due to traffic, my phone had died, and I forgot my charger. When I pulled up, he wasn’t there. He had gotten a ride with his manager. I drove to the house and knocked on the door to make sure he was okay. I apologized and he called me a bitch and slammed the door in my face. When I got home, I texted my partner about what happened and to consider my chauffeuring services over. We ended up getting in a fight because he seemed to think that forcing an apology out of his son was good enough. I told him that I am sorry his kids are still grieving but it wasn’t an excuse for them to treat me this way. We been on a break ever since.

His son lost his job because there was no one to pick him up. The other two have made social media posts making pretty open remarks blaming me. My partner has texted about how much he loves and misses me. He wants to marry me. My heart is aching. I truly love him. Is there any hope?

—Not Even a Stepmother

Dear Not Even,

Yes, but okay, I’m going to be real with you. You need to take some responsibility for the chauffeuring incident. You can’t really fault a teenager for not enthusiastically talking to you or being effusively grateful for the favor; teens literally treat the experience of being in a car with anyone who isn’t their friend like it’s the worst torture that humankind has ever endured. Your expectations on that front were too high, yes, but you also need to admit that you did kind of let him down by being late, even if it was due to forces beyond your control. A teenager (who’s still in mourning) does not have the neurons to be forgivably empathetic about that: All he knows is that you didn’t show up when you said you would, which probably triggered a deep-rooted fear that doesn’t not have to do with his mother’s death.

Of course he got a different ride. Then, when you confronted him, he became justifiably angry and reacted as much. You need to apologize to your partner’s son for not picking him up on time, full stop. (Be prepared to receive, best case scenario, a grunt in acknowledgement.) Then you need to make it clear to your partner that you do not appreciate name-calling, and would like him to communicate that to all of his kids. You need him to understand that you want a basic degree of respect, but he also needs you to understand that these are his kids, and they’re going to come first. The oldest two are adults and should be held to higher expectations; but the 16-year-old should get more leniency. It’s in adolescent wiring to say some ghastly shit to one’s own biological parents on the regular; you’re even more of a stranger to him, and you have to build up a little tolerance for him to teenage it out.