To hang next to the previous post.

[likeaduck]

Dear Care and Feeding,

 

My 2½-year-old has been going to day care/preschool since he was 3 months old. I have a career in higher education, and we cannot afford for me to stay home. (I’m also just not inclined to do so, if I’m being honest.) He goes to a wonderful preschool right now with a very engaging and structured curriculum, and he seems to be thriving. He’s learned an enormous amount in the six months he’s been there and has matured a lot, and every time I pick him up, he’s had a great time and tells me all about his day. His teachers are attentive and caring, we do parent-teacher “conferences” every six months to talk about his development, and we’ve been very happy with the decision to send him there.

 

My problem is that every morning, he complains about going and says he wants to stay home. He doesn’t cry, but he whines a lot and swings wildly between being upset that we’re going to school and seeming legitimately excited about the prospect. On mornings when he’s particularly difficult about it, I feel guilty for sending him. Some days I have even called out of work to stay home with him; he loves that for a few hours and then is promptly bored.

 

Is this normal? Does my child hate school, or does he just hate getting out of the house?

 

—Working Mom Guilt

 

Dear Guilty Working Mom,

 

It’s normal. He’s fine. If he’s coming home happy and thriving, all is well.

 

Don’t let him con you into taking days off unless you genuinely long to spend the day with him and have made plans accordingly in advance. What I think you’ve accidentally done by periodically letting him whine his way into keeping you with him is re-create those lab experiments where the rats get cocaine by pressing a little pedal.

 

If the rats get cocaine each time they press the pedal, and then the researcher turns off the cocaine, the rats figure it out quickly and stop trying. If the rats only occasionally get cocaine by pressing the pedal, why, they’ll keep trying a lot longer. Your son is an adorable, precious rat, the cocaine is you staying home with him, and the pedal is begging you to not make him go to school.

 

I think you have a lovely and normal toddler on your hands. To shake up the situation, I recommend reshuffling the morning routine a bit. See if that helps.

Comments

[ashbet]

HAPPY COCAINE RATS DAY!!!!

*shower of $20s and parental attention*

[ex_flameandsong751]

Petition to make Cocaine Rats Day an actual holiday now. XD

[ashbet]

Seconded! :D

[minoanmiss]

*falls over giggling helplessly*

COCAINE RATS THE ALL PURPOSE METAPHOR

[green_grrl]

Uh oh. You created a cocaine rat.

[anotherslashfan]

Okay, while the comparison to cocaine rats is, well *shrugs*... The advice seems actually sound. Our toddler is in the same situation and they WILL always test to see what happens if they demand to stay with me instead of going to daycare. But I think it's also important to listen. Our kidlet will also ask to go on trips or to see their grandparents, aunts and friends. It's a good indicator of what they like to do and I try to fit in a lot of chances to have them look forward to and then get something they asked for, if it's doable.

[ex_flameandsong751]

Dear Care and Feeding Cocaine Rats Blog

Fixed that for you, LW.

[lemonsharks]

Obligatory "this letter is vibing, to me, 'partnered heterosexual couple since people who are not that tend to specify otherwise'; where is the coparent and why is (he) absent from the morning routine?"

Also yep, that's a toddler thing that toddlers do. Congrats on your toddler, LW.

[lilysea]

where is the coparent and why is (he) absent from the morning routine?"

Could be a fly-in fly-out worker [eg 4 weeks on worksite, 2 weeks home]

could be a shift worker

could leave for work before toddler wakes up in the morning...

[lemonsharks]

All those types of folks also tend to specify their circumstances

[likeaduck]

Yeah the shifts between "we" and "I/me" are conspicuous, right? "...we cannot afford for me to stay home."