agonyaunt | Entries tagged with divorce

Dear Carolyn: I am a 26-year-old man and don’t feel like I can unload this on anyone I know. My parents’ divorce is ripping me up. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears at random moments of the day. My mom left my dad because she found out he’d been cheating with an 18-year-old girl, so the divorce is messy. Dad is alone in their gigantic house, gutted because it’s over with his girlfriend and he lost my mom to a short, stupid affair. He wants to save their marriage, but my mom won’t even talk to him, and he’s going crazy. My mom is heartbroken and wrecked in her own way and has moved to my aunt’s.

I’m splitting my time visiting them both two or three times a week. I feel responsible to check on them, more so my dad because he’s so depressed. It’s scary, but I am losing hope that things can get better for any of us.

When I’m not working or with them, I read and work out to stay busy, but it’s not helping. It sounds pathetic, but I just wish someone would pat me on the back and tell me it’s all gonna be okay. I don’t believe it anymore because I lost the family and childhood home I knew. I am trying to avoid self-pity, but I don’t see a good outcome.

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conuly

1. Dear Carolyn: My daughter-in-law-to-be, “Jennifer,” has been cool to me, and I’ve wondered why. My son said he hadn’t noticed anything. I think I figured it out, and it’s all a misunderstanding.

I always thought Jennifer was divorced from the father of her 5-year-old, but I just found out she never was married.

I think she overheard me talking with my sister at a recent party about a 20-year-old girl we know who is having a baby. We agreed it was a shame that thoughtless, careless people procreate without intention, without marriage and without adequate income when it is so easy to prevent. It could have looked as if we were describing Jennifer — she got pregnant in college — but we definitely were not.

Should I address this misunderstanding with her, or hope it blows over?

— Misunderstood

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2. Dear Carolyn: I am in the middle of a divorce, and my 13-year-old son is being, frankly, a brat about it. I get that divorce is hard on kids, but it’s hard on the adults, too, and I’m losing my patience with him.

The big issue right now is we have both agreed that we will allow him to decide whom he’s going to live with during the week (he’ll live with the other on weekends). This decision needs to be made soon, and he is flat-out refusing to decide. My soon-to-be ex and I are both at a loss on how to get a decision out of him. Any suggestions?

— Divorcing

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conuly

Dear Amy: I was married to a wonderful woman for 30 years. We raised five children together and had our ups and downs, but overall I felt that we had a solid marriage.

After our youngest left the nest my wife, almost immediately, became a different person. I know she had a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. She befriended single women and started going out frequently. She lost interest in saving the marriage. This went on for four or five years, and then she decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore and got her own apartment, but we stayed friendly. I tried to make the transition as smooth as possible, but I’ll admit that I had an ulterior motive to reconcile.

During the eight years since, we’ve halfheartedly attempted numerous reconciliations, but it has never worked out. There has never been any abuse or infidelity. I’ve always felt we got along way too well to give up. The past few years she has been living with her elderly mother. We are in touch multiple times daily and spend time together. She continually says that when she is no longer required to aid her mother that we will spend more time working on reconciliation. That has all been fine with me.

Recently I ran into a friend, and she told me that she saw my ex at a social club with an elderly gentleman, which naturally got my attention. She said that they were clearly on a date and that my ex “was really dressed up and looked great.” My question for you is, is it time to give up? I’ve been avoiding her these past few days and I’m struggling with how to approach this.

— Dazed and Confused

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conuly

1. DEAR NATALIE: My friend divorced recently and I was the last to know what was going on. In fact, I only found out when our mutual friend invited us to her “divorce party.” I was really disgusted to even be included in something so crass, and I told my friend that I didn’t even know they were having marital problems. “Oh yea, she’s been miserable for months,” is what my friend said to me. For months? I had just been out with her and her husband several weeks before this announcement and they seemed fine. I also didn’t appreciate my friend confiding in everyone before me. I don’t think I want to go to this party. We are very good friends with her soon-to-be ex-husband, as well. Do you think if I skip it I’ll look as though I’m choosing sides? I care about her, of course, but why celebrate something so sad? It doesn’t sit well with me. Thoughts on this? – WHY A PARTY?

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2. My sister staged a fake wedding years ago. Her boyfriend’s mother was giving money to her children, and the married ones got double the amount of those who were single. We flew cross-country, in good faith, for this charade and spent thousands of dollars. I discovered the truth only six years ago, when I learned that my sister receives Medicaid benefits as a single person who earns little, even though she lives with her boyfriend in a huge house with many trappings of wealth. Now, my mom wants me to invite them for Christmas dinner with my sisters’ families, but I can’t overlook their lies. My mom says it’s none of my business, but as taxpayers, my sisters and I are outraged at the way they scam the system. I think inviting them would end in a big fight. Advice?

SISTER

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3. Dear Carolyn: I am 39, and I have three younger brothers. One of them is engaged and living with his fiancée, and one weekend last summer we all stayed with him. And I cannot stand his fiancée.

Part of it is on principle: My brother is 37, and she is 26. He is a doctor, and I think he focused on getting established, and when he wanted to have kids, he picked a younger woman. I have a lot of female friends in their 30s who describe dating as very hard specifically because men want younger women.

The other part is that she is such a Stepford wife. She is a teacher and was off for the summer. Their entire house was clean and organized, she had meals or local restaurants planned, she made activities suggestions for our other brother’s kids, and looked incredible — thin, young, hot. It feels like my smart, accomplished brother picked a young, hot woman instead of somebody his own age who is too busy with a career to put cereal in plastic bins.

I agreed to be a bridesmaid because I couldn’t think of a way to say no. But I don’t know how to fake it for an entire wedding.

My husband just says, “She was very nice to us,” which is true if you just look at the surface. I need help not tearing my hair out.

— Anonymous

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cereta

Dear Carolyn: Three years ago, I woke up to the fact that I wasn’t happy with my life. The pandemic made me realize there are no guarantees and you have to live your life now. I’d been married five years, right out of college, to my high school sweetheart, and it hit me that I was 27 with a wife and kid and mortgage, living like I was 40, and if I didn’t do something, life was going to pass me by.

As much as it hurt, I left and started over, and I’m so happy now. I have a great apartment, I’m getting noticed at work, I’m dating casually, I’m even planning a three-week trip to South America. Life has really opened up for me.

I wish I could say the same of my ex-wife, but she has just shut down. She moved back in with her folks, which is so sad — she’s never had her own place; she even lived at home during college. From what I can tell, she doesn’t date, even though she’s a young, good-looking woman with a good job and our son is old enough now to leave with a babysitter.

I’ll always love her. I’ve tried reaching out, but she doesn’t respond to any overtures unless it’s about our son. You got a letter recently from someone who didn’t like questions from her ex about her love life. I’m honestly not doing that; I don’t care if she dates, I just want her to have a full life. I’d like to get together with her and talk about what she’s doing and encourage her to want more for herself. Is that out of line?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: You divorced your standing to want things for her. So, yes, out of line.

Apparently, you also left her to do the heavy daily work of living a premature middle age and rearing your son while you went out and got your 20s back. Out of line and in her face.

Over the years, I’ve read letters with some nerve, but this one has some freaking nerve. (That’s two levels up from basic nerve.)

You don’t mention anything about money, and maybe that’s because it isn’t an issue, and maybe that’s because you’re giving her enough in child support and possibly alimony to enable her to move herself and your son out of her parents’ home into quality housing of her own, and she simply has chosen not to do that. If so, then, okay — I’ll back off that part of it.

Anonymous: You divorced your standing to want things for her. So, yes, out of line.

Apparently, you also left her to do the heavy daily work of living a premature middle age and rearing your son while you went out and got your 20s back. Out of line and in her face.

Over the years, I’ve read letters with some nerve, but this one has some freaking nerve. (That’s two levels up from basic nerve.)

You don’t mention anything about money, and maybe that’s because it isn’t an issue, and maybe that’s because you’re giving her enough in child support and possibly alimony to enable her to move herself and your son out of her parents’ home into quality housing of her own, and she simply has chosen not to do that. If so, then, okay — I’ll back off that part of it.

If you do owe her more as a co-parent, then improve her life by stepping up more as a co-parent — not not not by appointing yourself her life coach.

If you already do beyond your share as a co-parent, then trust and accept that as your only appropriate contribution to her prospects in life, which are otherwise now up to her.

Either way, if you ever find yourself “encourag[ing]” her to “want more,” put your fist in your mouth.

cereta

Dear Carolyn: My mom refuses to acknowledge the upside of her marriage to my dad. He was not the best husband or father, I’ll be the first to admit that. He was wrapped up in his work and left everything else to her.

But now that I’ve entered the same branch of science he was in, I get it. It had to be that way for him to make the breakthroughs he did.

My mom divorced him two years ago, and he hasn’t really gotten over it. He asks me when I see him whether she misses him, and I don’t know what to say. I’m not saying she can’t be happy, but she makes it all too clear that she doesn’t miss him and talks endlessly about this guy she’s dating like he’s Mr. Wonderful.

I know my dad can’t see it, but it’s kind of sickening that my sister and I can, though my sister says my mom is entitled to be happy. I’m not saying she isn’t, but tone it down a little, you know?

I tried talking to her about it, presenting the good of her 23-year marriage, saying she played a part in my father’s work; she enabled him to do that research and write those papers, and she can be happy and proud of that. She said that, because of her children, she wasn’t sorry she married my dad, but that she wasn’t sorry she divorced him, either. It’s like she didn’t even listen to me. So frustrating.

Should I try another way to get through to her or just let it go?

— Frustrated

Frustrated: Here are some things to say when your dad asks you whether your mom misses him:

· I am sorry you are hurting. Asking me to be your go-between will not make things better and is not fair to me.

· Please stop trying to put me in the middle.

· You will have to ask her that yourself.

· I am not your carrier pigeon.

· Dad, stop. (Change subject.)

· Dad, stop.

Here is why I opened my answer that way:

The things you are looking for are not yours to have. Your mother’s feelings about your dad and her former marriage are entirely her own to have. It’s not appropriate to try to influence her feelings to make yourself feel better. She “didn’t even listen to me” because you crossed into subjects that were very distinctly not your business.

It’s easy to see how you might believe they are your business. Your parents’ divorce obviously affected you in all kinds of ways. But if you try to make sense of what happened and how you feel about it without clear, logical boundaries in place, then you’re going to end up frustrated and confused.

So draw lines where they belong. Your feelings are your business, your dad’s are your dad’s, your mom’s are your mom’s, and your sister’s are your sister’s. How you interact with your dad is your business. How you interact with your mom is your business. How your mom and dad interact with each other is not your business. How your mom interacts with her new love interest is not your business, unless and until it crosses some kind of line in your presence. If you’re uncomfortable around them, then it is your place to speak up and/or leave the room.

Gaining new perspective on your dad from a career angle is interesting and valuable, but it doesn’t redraw any of those lines or make your mom retroactively any less lonely.

It may seem complicated, but it’s actually a simple system for navigating human complexity. You do you. That’s it. As well as you can.

minoanmiss

Content advisory: fertility issues, found family. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: delighted

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: disgusted

minoanmiss

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minoanmiss

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minoanmiss

I thought these two letters juxtaposed interestingly. ( Read more... )

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: confused

minoanmiss

I can’t stand seeing them get hurt again. ( Read more... )

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: incredulous

cereta

DEAR ABBY: I have been with a man for the last six years. He has been separated for 20 years. When I asked him if he was going to finalize his divorce, he said no. When I said I would like a commitment, he said he gave me one when he moved in five years ago. I said I want more. His wife even asked him for a divorce, but he said it's expensive. I told him by my upcoming 50th birthday I want a yes or no on the divorce. What should I do? -- IN LIMBO IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR IN LIMBO: Assuming this man lives with you rent-free, you have spent the last six years with a houseguest who is more concerned with his net worth than your need for validation. If his wife wanted a divorce, it would have happened already, and the issue of property division could have been bifurcated (separated). Obviously, this arrangement is serving them both in some way. Your next step should be to make a final decision about whether the status quo is acceptable to you, because it isn't going to change.