agonyaunt | Entries tagged with boundaries

1. DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my daughter went "no contact" with both sides of our family -- grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, as well as cousins. Since then, I have been struggling with how I should answer acquaintances who ask, "How is she doing?" as well as those who ask, "Do you have children?"

I have been told by friends and family that I should tell the acquaintances that I don't know why because she doesn't speak to the family. However, I have found this response leads to more uncomfortable questions. I am embarrassed to have to tell people "Yes, but she does not speak to us" -- and worse, try to answer "Why?" Lately, I have been telling people, "No, we don't have children" so I won't have to explain.

Can you advise me how I can answer these questions without explanations, embarrassment or lies? -- FORMER PARENT IN WASHINGTON

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2. DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.

I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).

I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like "Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you." Was I wrong? -- NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: My father is ill and wants me to reconcile with my twin sister, who is mentally, physically and financially abusive to me to the point of my cutting her entirely out of my life a couple of years ago. He insists we repair our relationship, which I view as irreparable given her boundary issues and continued abuses. I won’t do it.
But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.

I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.

— Twin

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conuly

1. Dear Eric: My daughter-in-law wants a much closer relationship with me than I feel comfortable with. She began calling me “mom” when she and my son first got engaged. I’ve told her several times that I would prefer to be called by my first name, but she still calls me mom.

A few months after the wedding, she began dropping by my house unannounced. I asked her to stop; she acted like I was kidding. The issue came to a head one day when she dropped by while I was in the shower. She let herself in with a key she had copied from my son’s keychain. I let my anger get the best of me and I spoke harshly to her. Later that day she sent a long email about how hurt she is that I “play favorites” by allowing my college-age son to come and go as he pleases, but I want her to call first.

Now she is pregnant, and it’s gotten worse. She texts me multiple times a day in the voice of the baby. “Good Mowning Grammy! I kept my mommy up all night with the burpies. Did my daddy ever do that when he was in your belly?” She wants me and her mother to go to her appointments and be in the delivery room. I have no idea how to manage my relationship with her in a way that doesn’t cause strife in my son’s marriage.

– Overwhelmed by Affection

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2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband has been sharp-edged as long as I have known him, and I have known him for nearly 40 years.

Our son learned at a young age that his father is not the easiest guy to put up with, but also that underneath it all, he is a good man, a good provider, loves his family above everything else, and would do anything to keep us safe and sound.

My daughter-in-law grew up in what couldn’t be a more different family. Her parents are quiet, soft-spoken, and the sort who, even with a family of six kids, apparently never yelled or lost their temper. (Although I find that hard to believe!)

The last time we all got together, her family and ours, my husband made a comment about how soft our son and daughter-in-law were being on their toddler. She has no limits, and I agree she gets away with many things our kids never would have so much as tried.

My daughter-in-law got very offended, and she and my husband got into a row about how children should be raised. He basically told her she was doing it all wrong, that children need limits and discipline, and she called him a nasty old man who terrorized his own son when he was growing up.

I tried to make some sort of peace, but the visit ended with us leaving their house and my daughter-in-law saying we were not to be anywhere near her daughter because she was afraid my husband would yell at her or worse if she did anything any normal toddler would do.

I know my husband would never hurt his granddaughter, and I have been her most regular babysitter. Now I am barred from doing what I love in caring for her and what I know gave our son and his wife a break they, like any young parents, require.

Do you think it is fair that I am being punished because my husband spoke his mind? --- I DID NOTHING WRONG

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3. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have been catching it from my wife and daughter about my not wanting to change diapers or bathe or feed my new granddaughter.

Truth is my wife did all those things for our own babies without hardly any help from me because the nature of my work meant she had to carry most of the childcare load. Even when I got out of the service while our kids were still little, I went to work for a long-haul trucking company, which I stayed at until I retired.

I have tried to pitch in some when we have our granddaughter over, but I get told I am not doing it right, so between that and being lacking in experience, I find it is much easier to step back and let the ladies do their thing. And then I get in trouble for that too!

I really do want to help, especially because this is my chance to do the baby duty I missed out on all those years ago. But what is a new Grandpa to do? --- NEW GRANDPA

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: I am uncomfortable about being touched. I have been this way all my life. As a child, my parents forced me to hug and kiss relatives, and if I protested, I was reprimanded. I remember being dragged and pushed toward people.

After I became an adult, I decided to tell people I no longer want to be hugged or kissed. While most people respect that, my parents do not. They hug me even more often now, and think it's funny. They laugh as they do it and say, "Oh, you don't like this, do you?!"

When I protest, they start with the guilt trip, telling me they are my parents and they are allowed to touch me. My mother gives an exaggerated sigh and looks down like a child who's been deprived of a toy.

They can't get it through their heads that this is about me, and not them. They have told me that I've "gone weird," but this isn't something new. As a child, I couldn't speak up because I was chastised for it. How can I get them to respect my boundaries? I don't want to start a feud, as they are good to me in every other way, but I'm starting to dread seeing them. -- KEEP OFF IN SCOTLAND

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

Any ideas for creative consequences for going into a sibling’s room uninvited? Repeatedly? The offender is elementary age and the room owner is in middle school. I am sure the stuff in there is incredibly enticing but boundaries and privacy are important!

—Raising a Snoop

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conuly

A few years ago, we gave our daughter, now 18, a stuffed bear for her birthday. At the time, we had recently discovered she had a boyfriend whom she was hiding from us. It was quite a shock. We wanted to be able to keep a closer eye on what she was doing without breaking her trust, so we installed a hidden camera inside the eye of the stuffed bear. Our daughter is now in college, and we overheard her telling her roommate how grateful she was for our trust in her and our support. We have been racked with guilt ever since. How can we tell our daughter about the camera without destroying our relationship with her? Should we tell her at all?

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ysobel

Dear Amy: My 26-year-old son has been dating a woman for more than two years. We all get along really well.

My husband and I recently moved two hours away and have stayed at their apartment approximately five times over the past eight months. We stay only one night and usually take them out to dinner or have other fun activities with them while visiting. One time, we were there to see other friends, but staying with them was still handy, because they keep an eye on our dogs. My son doesn’t mind at all, as he has told us.

I recently found out his girlfriend does mind, and has told him that we abuse their hospitality and that she doesn’t feel comfortable in her own home when we’re there (although she has no problem accepting free meals/drinks from us). My son recently tried to break up with her (before this situation arose), but she talked him out of it.

I’m so distraught and hurt. I no longer feel comfortable staying there. Nor do I feel comfortable having her stay at our home or even being around her. Our son told her he is not happy about this but is generally avoiding confrontation. She doesn’t know that he told me how she feels. Any advice?

— Upset

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minoanmiss

Help! My Girlfriend Is Being Super Weird About Various Members of My Family Bursting In When We're Fucking And Calling Her Names ( Read more... )

conuly

The first is under a cut because it's awful, the second is under a cut for solidarity.

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minoanmiss

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: For years, my oldest son and his girlfriend said they would never get married; she was against it. Then, five years ago, she relented and they got married, by all accounts happily.

They are financially secure: well-paying jobs, no debt on their advanced degrees, a rental property they own outright, a manageable mortgage on their home, late-model cars.

Indeed, my son and his wife have worked hard, but we and the in-laws have also provided our ongoing support.

But there is a rub: Our daughter-in-law steadfastly refuses to consider having children — and our son stands by her decision.

Her reason — or the reason they are standing behind — is climate change. In her opinion, it would be the height of cruelty to bring a child into a world that faces such an apocalyptic and nihilistic future.

I will grant you that our country has this and other major problems. But there is an existential question here: What have my and my wife’s lives amounted to, if we have not inculcated a basic will to survive to the next generation?

To make matters more complicated, they channel all their time and energy into biking, hiking, rock-climbing, kayaking, etc. We despair that our younger children will make the same lifestyle choices — especially under the influence of their older sibling.

To many observers, it would seem our kids have been spoiled. And on some level, that is true. But the urge to face an uncertain future and procreate in the face of adversity is supposed to be part of the human condition.

Every generation faces some dire threat. My father’s generation was told to go shoot Hitler. My generation learned to “duck and cover” to avoid nuclear annihilation. How can climate change be worse? Any advice?

— Despairing

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conuly

Dear Therapist,

When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.

We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.

Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?

My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.

Thank you for any advice you have to offer.

Anonymous

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minoanmiss

Original title my boss and coworkers are constantly at my house ( Read more... )

gingicat

I must share this with you all.

my wife doesn't know I hench, the evil sex ray made my employees do it, and more (2007 words) by Anonymous
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Hench - Natalie Zina Walschots, Ask a Manager Blog - Alison Green
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Alison Green (Ask a Manager)
Additional Tags: Worldbuilding, Llamas
Summary:

It's hench week at Ask a Manager!

liv

An advice column we haven't seen much yet. Kai Cheng Thom at Xtra: (the actual title is an essay so I abbreviated it) I I sent some (fully dressed) selfies to a prospective date and they blocked me. What am I missing?"

( CN: mention of transphobia, mention of sexual harassment. Also long answer is long. )

Current Mood: thoughtful

minoanmiss

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minoanmiss

Content advisory: fatphobia. ( Read more... )

ashbet

Dear Amy: My wife of over 25 years is foreign-born.

She travels to her home country for an extended period almost every year. I’ll join her for a few weeks, and she’ll stay a while longer after I return home.

Recently when she returned home, she told me that after I had left, she was introduced to a male acquaintance of her family’s. She said that they did not have a conversation, but did notice that he stared at her constantly.

Afterward this man tracked her down and sent her a text message, which she let me read. It was quite lengthy and frankly, incredibly audacious. He told her how attractive she is, how he wanted to spend time with her, and suggested how to discreetly contact him to arrange a rendezvous.

Her response to him was overly polite: “I’m flattered, but I’m busy. Perhaps some other time.”

I made a note of his phone number and a few weeks later sent him a terse message (I’m fluent in his language), that he was rude, unmannerly, interested only in a sexual encounter with my wife, and to back off.

He did not answer my message; instead he forwarded it to my wife, who got angry and said that I embarrassed her and violated her privacy.

I told her that while I may have ruined her other man fantasy, someone had to put him in his place, and I was proud to do it.

My wife is a very attractive woman. I am aware of the attention she receives. To me, however, that man went way over the top. Did I do the right thing, or was I being meddlesome?

— Just Wondering

Wondering: Your wife shared this man’s text message and her reply, which you describe as “overly polite.” I interpret her message differently.

In its ambiguity, “Perhaps some other time” can be read as something of an invitation. The politeness she extended was to this acquaintance, but not necessarily to you. In response, you stewed about this for weeks and then acted out in anger toward both of them.

You were trying to protect your marriage by being direct, but your wife is the one who should have drawn a firm boundary around your marriage.

You could have asked her to make a more definitive statement, rather than doing it yourself. She was honest with you regarding how your behavior made her feel.

At this point, without discussing his behavior or hers, you should talk to her sincerely about how this has made you feel: “This text exchange made me very sad and angry. I’m worried about our relationship, and I’m trying to protect it.”

swingandswirl

Carolyn Hax: Brother has limited involvement with family. Can they make him change?

(Originally posted in 2008 and recently republished.)

Dear Carolyn: From late high school on, my younger brother has chosen to distance himself from family. My parents are Cuban, and we’re a pretty close family, with its share of Hispanic-mom guilt trips, manipulations, etc. My brother is supersmart, high school valedictorian, etc., so I think he felt marginalized at school. In college he really seemed to come out of his shell, and after graduating, he moved to Utah with his girlfriend. My mom was devastated that he moved so far from home (Texas). A couple of years later, they got married and moved to San Diego — more devastation for Mom.

I vacation with my parents at least every other year; my brother hasn't been on vacation with us in 12-plus years. He spends Christmas at his in-laws' house, Thanksgiving in San Diego and comes home maybe five days a year. He buys us expensive gifts, sends flowers for all the funerals, etc., but doesn't attend. My mom talks to him every Sunday. This is pretty much his level of involvement with the family. My mom lies to her friends because she doesn't want them to think badly of my bro.

After all that one-sided history, here’s the problem. My brother and his wife are having a baby soon. My mom, being one who has trouble holding in her opinions, already has expressed dismay that they’re having a natural birth with a midwife/doula, using cloth diapers, etc. I’ve calmed her worries, and expressed this to my brother, BUT he won’t let my mom come see the new baby for a month. This is killing my mom (she was at the hospital for both of my kids). Should there be a point where my brother just once allows the level of “family togetherness” that the rest of us expect?

— V.

( In which CH responds MUCH more diplomatically than I would have... )

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: annoyed

purlewe

( Longing for time alone on Dear Prudie )

jadelennox

Dear fuck-up: ( Read more... )

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: amused

lemonsharks

DEAR ABBY: Easter is a day to be thankful for Christ that our sins are forgiven. Opinionated atheists at the dinner table distract from the meaning of the celebration. Is it wrong on Easter Sunday to exclude relatives who no longer practice the Christian faith? — SAVED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR SAVED: Before making up your mind, ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?”

thedivinegoat

ETA: jadelennox posted CA's update/correction. Very relieved.

Hello Captain Awkward!

I’m a single woman in her mid-20s and I went to a new dentist, who might be in his late-20s, for an appointment the other day. He was extremely nice and very conversational. At first I thought he was just being nice (or flirting with his assistant – who is also young looking and beautiful).

But then he started asking me about food and restaurants, things I like, how long I plan to live in our state.

Then I saw he didn’t have a ring (which I know isn’t always a clue, but I used it) and so I started wondering, “is there more to his nice-ness?”

What are your thoughts? Was he being professional and nice to his new patient? Was he flirting with me and I have to make the move since it is his place of employment? Was he doing it to be nice around his assistant? Or something else I’m not seeing?

Thank you so much!

( This was not the answer I was expecting from the Captain )

Current Mood: Mildly horrified
Current Location: Wales
Current Music: Royal Canoe - Walk out on the water

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: contemplative

minoanmiss

Q. Life-or-death decision? My brother-in-law is in desperate need of a kidney and has been approved for being on the list to obtain a cadaver kidney. ( Read more... )

colorwheel

( So now we can’t even say hi to a service dog? )

conuly

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I received a worrisome email from our 20-something-year-old son, a graduate student some distance away. He wrote that he is recovering from wounds of his childhood. (We thought we were loving, supportive parents.) He indicated he will come home for visits only if we comply with his demands -- about 10 were listed -- and accused us of some things we never did.

On the advice of my counselor -- I have a history of depression, which is in remission -- I wrote agreeing to his demands in order to keep the lines of communication open. My husband refuses to do this. He is overwhelmingly hurt, angry and frustrated. He says he will not walk on eggshells in his own home. Our son is our only child. What can or should we do? -- HEARTBROKEN IN OHIO

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minoanmiss

“My parents offered lots of advice for what I should do, and I have done none of it” ( Read more... )

Current Mood: amused

minoanmiss

I can’t pretend that I believe in Santa in front of my friends’ kids. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: curious

fairestcat

¡Hola Papi!

My partner loves to wear my clothes, but because I am a couple sizes larger than them, it doesn't work the other way around. This hasn't really been a problem in the past, but we've been making a little more money now and I've been buying nicer clothes when I can, whereas they hate shopping and never buy anything.

Since we've been together for nearly four years and living together for over two, they feel pretty comfortable throwing on my clothes (and shoes! we're the same size) and heading out into the world to stain my shirts and leave my jackets at their office for weeks on end. Even when there's no wreckage, it's super annoying to do my laundry and then find out I can't wear whatever shirt I wanted to wear that day because they already wore it and it's dirty, or left it at a friend's house, or straight up lost it.

I've asked them to stop several times, which works for a little while, but they wake up and get dressed after I leave for work so they can be sneaky about it. We live in a super-small apartment with one shared closet, so separating our clothes completely isn't really an option. I love my partner dearly and am not really anticipating ending our relationship over this, but it's driving me nuts. What can I say or do to get through to them?

Signed,

In the Closet (Guarding My Stuff)

( cut for length )