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Care & Feeding: Theresa the Bully
Jun. 9th, 2024 09:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minoanmiss My son will be in second grade next year. Our elementary school is small and there are only two classes for every grade level. In kindergarten, he had a classmate “Theresa,” who bullied him and also other kids. It was very hard to get help from teachers and the administration about this because Theresa is mildly autistic and is part of the special needs program. But name-calling, hitting, and making up mean stories have nothing to do with autism. For first grade, I was able to get a promise that my son and Theresa would be in separate classrooms. My son has thrived and made friends and did great this year. He still saw Theresa at lunch and recess, and she was still mean to him, but it sounds like he had friends around him to make it easier, and his first grade teacher intervened much more firmly than they did in kindergarten. Now that the school year is over, I made a request to keep them separated next year. The principal said she would not promise anything, and that enough time had passed that she didn’t see it as an issue. From parent gossip, I’ve learned that other parents have also tried to separate their kids from Theresa, which is probably why I’m getting pushback. I’m so frustrated. My son cried multiple times a week in kindergarten, and it took a lot of effort to bring him back from hating school last year to successfully making friends and enjoying activities this year. What do I do?
—Don’t Break What’s Working! <
Dear Don’t Break,
First: I’m not sure you’re the best judge of what does and does not “have to do” with autism. Second: I implore you to step back a bit and try to see the big picture. Multiple parents are begging the school to keep Theresa, a child, isolated from their children. Whatever the root causes of this child’s behavior, she is troubled and in pain. What is it you would have the principal do? Keep Theresa in a room of her own? Keep her only among children whose parents haven’t noticed that she’s struggling and lashing out?
I’m not suggesting I don’t understand your focus on keeping your child safe and happy. But when the issue is another child the same age—yes, even when that other child is “mean”—your wish for your child’s happiness shouldn’t come at the other child’s expense. That would be a cruelty much greater than Theresa’s. Unlike her, you’re a full-grown adult who should know better.
Besides: A second grader isn’t a kindergartener. Naturally, you should continue to be attentive to how he’s feeling as the new school year begins. But keep in mind that he will be much better equipped this coming year to handle Theresa’s behavior toward him (as he exhibited at lunch and recess in first grade) and that the second grade teacher will be better prepared—because there’s now two years’ worth of information—for possible problems that may require a teacher’s intervention. And it’s not so terrible for your child to learn strategies for dealing with people he finds difficult or even painful to be around (he will be having to do this his whole life, as we all do)—in fact, schooling at this age isn’t only about learning language arts and math and science (etc.) skills; it’s also about learning social and interpersonal skills of all kinds. And then there are the lessons you will be teaching him: about resilience, inclusion, empathy, and not running away from problems.
—Michelle
—Don’t Break What’s Working! <
Dear Don’t Break,
First: I’m not sure you’re the best judge of what does and does not “have to do” with autism. Second: I implore you to step back a bit and try to see the big picture. Multiple parents are begging the school to keep Theresa, a child, isolated from their children. Whatever the root causes of this child’s behavior, she is troubled and in pain. What is it you would have the principal do? Keep Theresa in a room of her own? Keep her only among children whose parents haven’t noticed that she’s struggling and lashing out?
I’m not suggesting I don’t understand your focus on keeping your child safe and happy. But when the issue is another child the same age—yes, even when that other child is “mean”—your wish for your child’s happiness shouldn’t come at the other child’s expense. That would be a cruelty much greater than Theresa’s. Unlike her, you’re a full-grown adult who should know better.
Besides: A second grader isn’t a kindergartener. Naturally, you should continue to be attentive to how he’s feeling as the new school year begins. But keep in mind that he will be much better equipped this coming year to handle Theresa’s behavior toward him (as he exhibited at lunch and recess in first grade) and that the second grade teacher will be better prepared—because there’s now two years’ worth of information—for possible problems that may require a teacher’s intervention. And it’s not so terrible for your child to learn strategies for dealing with people he finds difficult or even painful to be around (he will be having to do this his whole life, as we all do)—in fact, schooling at this age isn’t only about learning language arts and math and science (etc.) skills; it’s also about learning social and interpersonal skills of all kinds. And then there are the lessons you will be teaching him: about resilience, inclusion, empathy, and not running away from problems.
—Michelle
(no subject)
Jul. 17th, 2023 08:34 pmceretaDear Care and Feeding,
I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?
—Working Mom
Dear WM,
I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)
Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.
—Michelle
I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?
—Working Mom
Dear WM,
I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)
Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.
—Michelle
(no subject)
Nov. 8th, 2021 01:46 pmconulyDear Care and Feeding,
My younger son, Evan, recently started his sophomore year in high school. I was stunned when he was suspended for a week over an assignment he’d turned in. One of his classes called for an essay to analyze a plan that went wrong, starting with why the plan was adopted, what flaws were inherent in its assumptions or execution, the consequences of the failure of the plan, and how the plan could be improved.
Evan chose to wrote about his school’s zero-tolerance for fighting policy. He thinks the policy was adopted because the school’s administrators are stupid and wanted to rid themselves of trying to figure out who’s responsible when an incident occurs. This policy, Evan says, increases violence, since if a kid can get suspended for even being near a fight, they might as well be violent once a fight starts. He points to several kids who were suspended, and one expelled, for being in the vicinity of a fight—or even attacked—and notes that this is both unjust and damaging to their education. His suggestion for fixing things involves giving the school staff brain transplants from the principal’s cats, which he declares would enhance their intelligence.
I am beside myself that Evan could be so disrespectful and insulting to his school’s administration. But no matter what sort of discipline I apply at home (he’s been grounded for the foreseeable future, and I’ve started monitoring his internet usage), he remains stubbornly defiant that the policy is terrible and the principal et al. are idiots. My husband has been absolutely no help at all—not going quite so far as to openly agree with Evan, but making it perfectly clear that he does in fact sympathize with him. I don’t know how to regain a handle on this situation.
—Furious Mom
( Read more... )
My younger son, Evan, recently started his sophomore year in high school. I was stunned when he was suspended for a week over an assignment he’d turned in. One of his classes called for an essay to analyze a plan that went wrong, starting with why the plan was adopted, what flaws were inherent in its assumptions or execution, the consequences of the failure of the plan, and how the plan could be improved.
Evan chose to wrote about his school’s zero-tolerance for fighting policy. He thinks the policy was adopted because the school’s administrators are stupid and wanted to rid themselves of trying to figure out who’s responsible when an incident occurs. This policy, Evan says, increases violence, since if a kid can get suspended for even being near a fight, they might as well be violent once a fight starts. He points to several kids who were suspended, and one expelled, for being in the vicinity of a fight—or even attacked—and notes that this is both unjust and damaging to their education. His suggestion for fixing things involves giving the school staff brain transplants from the principal’s cats, which he declares would enhance their intelligence.
I am beside myself that Evan could be so disrespectful and insulting to his school’s administration. But no matter what sort of discipline I apply at home (he’s been grounded for the foreseeable future, and I’ve started monitoring his internet usage), he remains stubbornly defiant that the policy is terrible and the principal et al. are idiots. My husband has been absolutely no help at all—not going quite so far as to openly agree with Evan, but making it perfectly clear that he does in fact sympathize with him. I don’t know how to regain a handle on this situation.
—Furious Mom
( Read more... )
Ask A Teacher: 50 Acres vs Education
Feb. 3rd, 2021 10:51 amminoanmiss My oldest child been a high-ability learner since he was under a year old. Now he is in first grade and testing in the top 98 percent of the state in math and reading. My husband grew up on a farm, and we have the opportunity to move close to family and build our dream home on over 50 acres of land. In many ways I know this will have a positive impact on my children, as they can help grandparents with farm chores and be close to cousins, and I truly believe nature is a nature stress reliever for my intelligent and anxious child.( Read more... )
conulyDEAR HARRIETTE: Seemingly out of the blue, they are reading lots of books about race at my son’s school. Seriously, they have read three books back-to-back about racial injustice. While I think it is important for the kids to learn about these topics, it is making us uncomfortable. Not everything is about race, but you would never know from this class. I don’t have the knowledge or time to debate these issues with my son every day.
I’m not trying to be rude or insensitive. My husband and I work hard to make sure that our son is thoughtful and not racist, but we also don’t want him to feel super self-conscious about being white. He shouldn’t have to apologize for being himself. I don’t know how to support him as times change. I do teach him to treat everyone with respect, but does that mean I have to allow him to be exposed to so much conversation about the atrocities of racism? -- Too Much Race Talk
( Read more... )
I’m not trying to be rude or insensitive. My husband and I work hard to make sure that our son is thoughtful and not racist, but we also don’t want him to feel super self-conscious about being white. He shouldn’t have to apologize for being himself. I don’t know how to support him as times change. I do teach him to treat everyone with respect, but does that mean I have to allow him to be exposed to so much conversation about the atrocities of racism? -- Too Much Race Talk
( Read more... )
conulyHe has grades and test scores that I think should qualify him for the Ivy League—but he’s also white and upper-middle-class.
( Well, this should be fun )
( Well, this should be fun )
ceretaQ. Playing parental hooky: Our family recently moved cities. My kids used to attend a local private school where I became very involved, giving both time and money. I felt it was worthwhile because the contributions helped this school in its commitment to making it accessible to students at all income levels through ample scholarships and tuition assistance. The school my kids now attend is very expensive and filled only with kids from well-to-do families. Yet, they are still very persistent about soliciting volunteers and contributions. They have a thing for pharaonic building projects. I don’t have interest in participating. I feel like in this case, I’m buying a product for my kids, and that’s that. My wife says that we should participate like we did before. I have said she’s free to do if she likes, but I won’t. Where do you come down on this? (The local public school, which we had hoped to use, was “full,” so our kids would have been bused across town.)
A: I have, I would say, a considerable bias toward public education and think there’s enormous value in attending a school that serves the community, not just children whose parents can afford a “very expensive” tuition bill and the time to help build “pharaonic” monuments. My take is this: Send your kids to the public school across town, and let them experience your city’s public transportation system.
A: I have, I would say, a considerable bias toward public education and think there’s enormous value in attending a school that serves the community, not just children whose parents can afford a “very expensive” tuition bill and the time to help build “pharaonic” monuments. My take is this: Send your kids to the public school across town, and let them experience your city’s public transportation system.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. He is in grad school. I failed out of community college. My lack of education stresses me out emotionally. I love him very much, and I see a future with him. But the idea of an architect and a community college dropout makes my heart ache. He deserves someone more on his intellectual level. He is originally from another state and this is one of the reasons why I haven't met his family.
I have thought about trying to get a degree to become a certified nursing assistant, but again there would be a gap in our professional levels. I'm afraid that when he does introduce me to his family they will convince him he's better off without me. Part of me believes it's true.
Please give me advice about what to do. I don't want to lose him, but at the same time, I want him to be happy. -- UNEQUAL IN WISCONSIN
DEAR UNEQUAL: I can't help but wonder if you have ever spoken with someone who does career counseling. Some universities and community colleges have extension divisions that offer it. Part of the counseling involves aptitude testing, which could help you determine what you would be good at.
Being a nursing assistant is a respectable career that involves responsibility and people skills. If you feel drawn to it, then that's what you should pursue, and you should not feel embarrassed or have a need to apologize for it.
I have thought about trying to get a degree to become a certified nursing assistant, but again there would be a gap in our professional levels. I'm afraid that when he does introduce me to his family they will convince him he's better off without me. Part of me believes it's true.
Please give me advice about what to do. I don't want to lose him, but at the same time, I want him to be happy. -- UNEQUAL IN WISCONSIN
DEAR UNEQUAL: I can't help but wonder if you have ever spoken with someone who does career counseling. Some universities and community colleges have extension divisions that offer it. Part of the counseling involves aptitude testing, which could help you determine what you would be good at.
Being a nursing assistant is a respectable career that involves responsibility and people skills. If you feel drawn to it, then that's what you should pursue, and you should not feel embarrassed or have a need to apologize for it.
Dear Abby: I want to go back to school
Feb. 7th, 2016 01:53 pmceretaDEAR ABBY: I am a single parent of four children ages 5 to 13. I want to go back to school to better myself and make a better life for them because I am raising them on my own. I keep putting off going back because something always comes up. I'm afraid if I keep this up, then I'll never do it and will live with regret for the rest of my life.
I don't have a stable support system, and I work full time, so I'm also worried about having no time for my children, although I hardly have any now. Most days I feel like a bad parent and want to cry. What would you recommend I do? Can you help me push myself? -- WANTS NO REGRETS
DEAR WANTS NO REGRETS: Set goals for yourself. Explore career counseling at your nearest community college and ask for guidance about child care options. When you do, ask if you can take one or two classes a semester, rather than a full course load, and if any of the classes you need are held online. That way, you won't be spending a lot of time away from your children, and at the same time you'll be setting an example for them to follow about the importance of education.
I don't have a stable support system, and I work full time, so I'm also worried about having no time for my children, although I hardly have any now. Most days I feel like a bad parent and want to cry. What would you recommend I do? Can you help me push myself? -- WANTS NO REGRETS
DEAR WANTS NO REGRETS: Set goals for yourself. Explore career counseling at your nearest community college and ask for guidance about child care options. When you do, ask if you can take one or two classes a semester, rather than a full course load, and if any of the classes you need are held online. That way, you won't be spending a lot of time away from your children, and at the same time you'll be setting an example for them to follow about the importance of education.
