agonyaunt | Entries tagged with dear annie

Dear Annie: I am a 29-year-old woman, and I've been having an ongoing debate with my boyfriend of 10 years.

I wear makeup because I am insecure about my skin and my face in general. I have tried any and all products recommended to me to help clear up my skin.

I have suffered from eating disorders in the past and have constant fixation and amplification of every flaw, so I'm aware of the fact that it might be body dysmorphia that is in part driving my anxiety about my face. I am going into therapy and seeing a dermatologist next month, and I will start my process there.

But in the meantime, when I look in the mirror at my bare face, I see a monster. Makeup takes away some of that anxiety -- gives me confidence in myself, allowing me to enjoy life a little more.

While I know that it is not healthy to be so dependent on cosmetics, they are helping me get through these feelings for now.

The problem is that my boyfriend hates that I wear makeup. He constantly insists that I stop wearing it, to the point that we regularly get in heated arguments about this. He even jokingly says he will break up with me if I continue to wear it. I tell him that not wearing makeup just doesn't work for me. I tried it once for a year. It didn't clear up my skin, and it was horrible emotionally.

I really don't know what to say to him at this point other than that I am in the process of hopefully solving this problem, but even if my blemishes clear up, the mental and emotional aspects will take time. I understand others will say: "It's just makeup. Ditch it for him if you really love him!" But I don't think people understand how much I really can't stand seeing the face I have naked in the mirror. It brings me to tears and causes anxiety attacks -- which I feel like my boyfriend would resent me even more for. He doesn't have much patience for insecurity of any kind. I'm not sure what to tell him other than, "Let's wait and see." Any advice? -- Can't Face the Mirror

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petrea_mitchell

Dear Annie: I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for almost a year now and have recently noticed some odd behaviors. The one that concerns me the most is the way she’s been dressing. Case in point: We were invited to a pool party and barbecue at a friend’s house.
When I picked her up, she was dressed as if she were going to a high-powered business meeting, complete with heels and a Gucci purse.

The second time, we were going to a memorial service for one of her co-workers’ husbands, and she was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. The third time, she dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt for dinner out with friends at an upscale restaurant for their 35th anniversary. We’ve both gotten some interesting looks about her appearance.

I’ve tried talking to her several times about her dressing inappropriately for certain outings and hit a stone wall. I’ve also reached out to her close friend who was no help. It’s gotten to the point I am considering not going out on the weekends with her. How can I deal with this? It’s beginning to affect me at work. -- Stonewalled

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petrea_mitchell

Dear Annie: My daughter is 8 years old and was recently diagnosed with autism. She was just diagnosed at age 7, but I have suspected she is autistic since about age 3 when she was severely speech-delayed.

Over the years, I had suggested she was autistic to my husband several times, and his responses were things like, “She’s just a little bit behind” and ‚”She’s just stubborn and hot-headed like her daddy.”

My concerns were always brushed off. However, he could no longer use those excuses when last year her classroom had to be evacuated due to her throwing furniture during one of her meltdowns.

Even during the evaluations, he seemed confident that she wouldn’t be diagnosed with autism, and when she was, he seemed to not take it well.

Due to her growing in both age and strength, I have needed additional help with her. I am a stay-at-home mom of three, and when she has bad days, it has been increasingly difficult for me.

My husband has been working fewer hours lately and has hired a care worker to help me on the days when he is working, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Since he’s been around more, he has been witnessing the meltdowns that I have been telling him about for years, and unfortunately he has not been handling them well.

Since her diagnosis, I have attended parent training and have been doing what has been advised to me. I am patient with her and help her regulate her emotions when she is not able to self-regulate.

He gets easily frustrated, yelling at her to “just stop,” or sometimes he tries to distract her with hugs or tickles (something that makes her meltdowns worse, as she doesn’t like to be touched in those moments).

When I try to explain to him that those things don’t work and she can’t “just stop,” then he turns his frustration toward me. He thinks that I believe he is not a good dad or doesn’t know how to handle her, but that’s not the case.

I just have much more experience with her meltdowns and am trying to give him advice so he can handle her meltdowns better. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. He loves me and loves our kids and is a great man. How can I help him understand her diagnosis better and help him to be more confident in helping her regulate without the frustration and drama that ensues anytime I try to help? -- Overstimulated

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conuly

1. Dear Annie: For six years, I've been with a man -- let's call him "Ben." We have one child together and one on the way. I'm frustrated because I do all of the housework even though we're both employed. We divided up expenses. He pays for the house payment and the babysitter when we need one, and I pay for all of the utilities and groceries. I also do most of the childcare tasks.

I don't feel like I should have to ask for him to get off his butt and help; I feel like he should naturally want to help and just do it. I've noticed that when we are around his family, he jumps to help them with anything in a split second. He seems like he would just rather be lazy when it comes to our own home life, expecting me to do all the domestic work.

I'd try talking to him about this, but he's not a talk-about-your-feelings type of guy, more of a sort-your-own-laundry type of guy. In the past, anytime I've brought up anything remotely uncomfortable, he seems to register it as a threat and says something negative directed towards me and not at all helpful to resolving the issue. Advice? -- Unheard Girlfriend

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2. DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years. We rushed into marriage, unfortunately, before getting to know each other very well. Whenever we have a disagreement, he gives me the silent treatment for days. Sometimes, it lasts weeks.

He won't eat anything I cook or help around the house. If I'm in one room, he will lock himself up in another one. He sleeps on the couch or on a pull-out mattress. Eventually, he will end it by returning to our bed and trying to initiate intimacy. I usually accept, but the issue never gets resolved or discussed -- we just carry on. When I've tried discussing the issues, he says, "Don't start!"

I'm fed up with his childish behavior. We have a 7-month-old baby and children from my previous marriage, so it has become increasingly difficult for me to leave him. He's not the type to go to therapy. He will admit we have communication issues, but that's the extent of it. I've reached the point that I no longer care about our marriage, and if I had the means, I'd happily leave. Please help. -- SILENT TREATMENT IN THE NORTHEAST

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3. Dear Prudence,

My fiancé has always been close to his sister, “Becky.” They text each other daily and frequently talk on the phone. They’re twins, and I thought I understood their bond. However, we went to his family’s house for Thanksgiving, and I met Becky for the first time—she’s been working abroad for the past two years and only moved back to the U.S. last month—and to be honest, I was a little freaked out about their closeness. Becky and my fiancé finish each other’s sentences, giggle at their private jokes, and are often physically affectionate. Hugging, kissing on the cheek, holding hands. At one point, Becky even sat on my fiancé’s lap and pretended he was “Santa.” Apparently, it’s an old joke of theirs. I have two brothers, but I’ve never behaved like that with them.

On the drive back from his family’s house, I told my boyfriend that I found the way he interacts with Becky “icky.” He blew up and accused me of having a dirty mind. I apologized, feeling that I overreacted. However, now that we’re back home, I keep thinking about Becky and I do think it’s icky. Should I talk to my fiancé about the ick factor again? I don’t know if I can stand to see Becky sitting on my fiancé’s lap giggling and baby talking at future family functions. It’s too disturbing. I’ve even thought about proposing a tropical vacation instead of the next visit so we can be away from his family. This is the perfect man if he didn’t have that weird dynamic with his sister!

—Too Close for Comfort

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4. Dear Amy: Ever since the #metoo era my husband does not initiate sex. We've talked about this. He says that doing so could be construed as sexual harassment. He doesn't talk about sex or make innuendos. He no longer tells jokes -- he says it is because they could be of a sexual nature and that he doesn't want to be demeaning to women.

When I do want sex, he is quite accommodating, though I have to explicitly tell him what I like, but he never tells me what he likes because, he says, if he says something it may be taken the wrong way. He no longer compliments me (or any other man or woman) on how I (or they) look or dress, which used to be quite forthcoming. He says that he doesn't want to be judgmental.

Other than that, we have a good relationship. He drinks only an occasional beer, and we have great discussions about what's going on in the world, (except for things that concern sex, such as any LGBTQ issues or fashion). If he does complain, it's about something he could have done better. He's in great shape and easy on the eyes. But I miss the easy, loving, uninhibited sex life that we used to share. My husband says he's sorry that he can't be a part of that because times have changed and that his previous behavior is not acceptable for a man anymore. Any suggestions?

– Sad Wife

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5. Dear Amy: I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. He has been totally estranged from his mother the whole time I’ve known him. I’ve never met her. Well, his mother started messaging with me on Facebook and she really wants to get back into his life. She wants to apologize for the mistakes she has made. I invited her over to our house without telling my boyfriend. He blew up when he saw her and now says that he wants to break up with me. I was just trying to help mend his relationship with his mom! What can I do to get him to come back?

– Devastated

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6. Dear Amy: I’m a woman in my mid-20’s and I’ve been with my boyfriend since high school. I fell in love with him in ninth grade and (honestly) pursued him for a couple of years until I let him catch me (ha ha).

I’ve always been quite large and overweight, and my weight is a huge issue for him. He only showed an interest in dating me after I had lost a considerable amount of weight in high school. I’ve mainly kept this weight off, but it has been a struggle. I’m down to a size 8.

We are talking about marriage, but he says he will only propose to me if I lose a little more weight. Several of my female family members are overweight, and he says that if I wind up looking like them, he wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship. We are super-compatible in every other way. I guess I need a gut check (ha ha) about my relationship. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved.

– Wondering Woman

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7. Dear Carolyn: I have been dating a woman long enough that we’ve talked about marriage. I get along well with her family, who live near us. She has never met my family, who do not live near us, and recently I gave her the whole story, that I see them only occasionally and in small doses because of the way they have treated me over the course of my life.

My girlfriend listened to my explanation and said: “You sound like a bratty teenager complaining about your parents. I’m sure they did their best.” I was floored. I feel like her response shows a fundamental lack of empathy for the fact that I wasn’t blessed with a loving family like she was, and it is making me rethink our relationship.

She has apologized for the way she phrased what she said, but I am really wondering if it’s possible for me to have a future with a person who shows such a lack of understanding about something so fundamental to who I am. Do you see a way forward here?

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conuly

( Totally! )

conuly

1. Dear Amy: I recently graduated with my master’s. My mother and mother-in-law flew separately to my graduation from the other side of the country. I am grateful they both came, but while my MIL was here she made repeated comments that I felt put down my degree.

She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time. She gave him a graduation gift, as well as a shirt that said, "I survived my wife's graduate degree." I was shocked and hurt by this, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day. I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments into something that was apparently extremely difficult for him.

After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (through tears) but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and not wear it because he knew it made me upset.

I tried to grin and bear it but I was deeply hurt and felt mocked. She has had a pattern of making little negative comments about my degree and future job. I want to address this, but it's been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact. I do appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call and explain my feelings to her?

– Recent Grad

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2. Dear Amy: My son married “Marian,” who made it clear that he was too close to his mom (me) and that this must stop. She wants no part of us except for when she needs a babysitter. In spite of her attitude toward us, we have been very generous with them because we adore our three grandchildren and have a great relationship with them. We’ve paid for summer camp and all the extracurricular activities for the children, along with the down payment for their house.

However, we are not allowed to buy the grandchildren gifts.

I know I put up with too much disrespect from both of them for many years, just to be able to see the grandchildren. Recently our young granddaughter seemed proud about scores on tests that she took in school. When I asked my son about it he said, ”It’s none of your business.” This was the last straw. My husband has had it and is done with them. I feel the same. But now they won’t let the children have contact with us.

– Hurting

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3. Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law is extremely close to her family and although she tries to show affection for us, it's only out of obligation. A few years ago, I purchased a very expensive handbag (which I couldn't afford) as a Christmas gift for her. On occasions I've been asked to clean their house and while cleaning I’ve seen the handbag in her closet. This past Christmas, I received the same bag from her.

It is obvious about what transpired: While she and my son bought luxurious gifts for her family, she went shopping in her closet for me.

She's a good person but can be manipulative and narcissistic at times. I feel disrespected and unappreciated for everything I do for them (which is a lot). I would like to address her (or the two of them) about this, but I'm not sure how.

A part of me just wants to put the bag back in their closet to see if I receive it a second time, or to give her instructions on how to properly “regift,” which includes putting the name of the person on the article, so you don't regift it back to them.

I cannot use the bag because every time I see it, I am reminded of how little I meant to them. How should I address this?

– Lonely Purse

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4. Dear Annie: I painfully watch our daughter-in-law tease and belittle her pre-teen children, especially the older boy. She is very loving and generous with them, but also strict; she thinks she's being funny. Her isolated, difficult upbringing by a single mom with no parenting skills left her with a tough "I'm fine" armor and the need to appear to be the perfect mom with perfect kids.

Our gentle son counteracts her actions by being very nurturing and supportive of the children, but I've never heard him cue her to tone it down. Even as she looks to me as a role model, she doesn't ask for or take suggestions well, so I've always cringed rather than speak to her, and worked to be a supportive, accepting person in the children's lives.

Do you have suggestions for things I could say or do to help her see how her behavior affects her children? Thank you for your insight. -- Concerned Grammy

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5. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister-in-law I no longer speak to due to the fact that she thought she was entitled to my deceased mother's belongings. My mother died of old age about a year ago and didn't leave a will, so my brother, sister and I had to divide her belongings. My siblings and I didn't have issues with this task, but my sister-in-law caused problems.

I wanted the dining room table because we grew up eating our meals around it, and I had many fond memories. However, my sister-in-law wanted it because she was remodeling their kitchen and thought it would look good in their house. My brother was indifferent about the table and didn't care whether he got it. We started arguing about it and eventually came to the decision that I would get the table. For the remainder of the division of my mother's things, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. It's been this way for over a year. Is there any way we can resolve this when she won't speak to me? -- Inheritance

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6. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is a terrible housekeeper. I watch my grandchildren three days a week and am expected to drop them off at her house after I pick up the oldest (age 5) from school. It is troubling for me to see how dirty the house is, so I end up secretly cleaning. What’s the best way to address this with her? I could offer to help her with the housework a few hours a week. -- TIDY IN TENNESSEE

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conuly

Dear Annie: Back-seat drivers are an absolute pet peeve of mine. I have been driving for 20 years, and I've never been in an accident, except one time when I hit a mailbox with my sideview mirror, and never had a ticket, except that one time in upstate New York.

I'm not an aggressive driver. I let people into my lane all the time. I don't try to drive fast, but I am busy (and frequently late to things) and do try to keep up with the other cars around me.

However, from the way some friends react when they're in my car, you'd think I'm Danica Patrick. And my husband is the worst. He constantly makes comments: "Stop tailgating." "Slow down." "You're driving really fast." And when he's not verbalizing his thoughts, I can see him bracing for impact by grabbing the handle above the car door.

People's constant feedback about my driving is getting on my last nerve. How can I instill in them the confidence to enjoy the ride when I am behind the wheel? — Driving Me Crazy

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conuly

Dear Annie: Six months ago, my dad passed away. My frustration is that my sister and her husband refuse to tell their 6-year-old daughter. I understand that grief is very personal for everyone. But her decision to withhold his death is affecting my family. My niece is not allowed inside our house, for fear she might ask about her grandpop. My young children are not allowed to speak about their grandpop in her presence — no memories, no references whatsoever.

I have confronted my sister about my concerns, and she told me that they'll parent the way that they want to. I agree that they have that right. But it's been six months, and she still is telling my children they cannot talk about their grandfather in their cousin's presence. She has started to exclude us from family activities for fear that my children will mention his name and/or disclose his death to their cousin. My children are old enough to realize it is wrong, and a rift is growing at a rapid rate. I have spoken to my personal therapist, the hospice therapist and my daughter's therapist. All three can't comprehend my sister's actions. — Heartbroken

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conuly

Dear Annie: My son has been dating a girl for a little over three years. My husband and I really like her. Our son loves her. Here's the problem: I have asked her before to help in the kitchen with meal preparation and cleanup, and she refuses.

They come once a week for meals, and we eat in front of the TV while watching shows. Everyone brings their dishes to the kitchen, but I'm left with the cleanup. Once, when I asked her for help, she said that she is company and wouldn't expect me to help at her house. They were here for Thanksgiving, and my mom asked her to join us at the table and visit, but she declined, saying she was OK where she was. My mom was hurt and upset.

I'm planning a big Christmas dinner and want the girls to help with cleanup and to sit and visit after the meal. How can I get her to get involved in the kitchen work, both before and after, and to put her phone away and sit and visit with us? -- Disappointed

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conuly

Dear Annie: I am the mother of three incredible adult children. About a year and a half ago, my only daughter just cut me off without any explanation. My youngest son then moved in next door to her and hasn't spoken to me in almost a year. They both refuse to talk to me.

So much has happened since then. My daughter got engaged and since then has gotten married she did not tell me of either the engagement or the wedding. I had to, unfortunately, find out on Facebook.

She did not invite anyone from my side of the family. She did invite her dad (my ex-husband) and his new wife. She also invited her new mother-in-law, father-in-law and brother-in-law and his girlfriend. I have been so hurt I'm at a loss for words. -- Mom Cast Aside

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DEAR ABBY: Since I moved eight years ago, my son, "Jim," has visited me only once, and that's because I gave his son my car. I rarely hear from him, and when I have visited, we barely talk. We have totally different ideas on life, and it has caused a rift in our relationship.

When I have visited Jim and his wife, they just sit, watch movies and eat takeout food unless I take them out and pay for the meal. Over the years, I have given my son money and housed him when he went through a terrible divorce. His children are grown now, and I don't hear from them either.

He remarried a woman he met on the internet who has different ideas on things than my family and the way I was brought up. It hurts me very much. What's your opinion on what to do about this situation? I'm at a loss. -- LET DOWN IN IDAHO

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conuly

Dear Annie: It seems impossible for me to mend my relationship with my son. He is 38, and I am 68. Back when he was 22, he came out of the closet and told us he was gay. It took me nearly two years to accept that, and two years of hardly talking. Finally, I accepted it -- with a few years of counseling. My son and I got along for a while. But a few years ago, Ohio passed legislation legalizing same-sex marriage. To me that was a big no-no, because men don't marry men. I let him know, big-time, that I was against it. But he found someone to officiate the marriage and marry him and his partner. He even got the marriage license. But he didn't get married through a traditional church.

I told him I would never accept it, and that I hoped his marriage fails. Of course, he didn't like that at all. Even after my counseling and apologizing, and being sorry for my beliefs, still I cannot change how I feel; nor will he change his beliefs. I want him to put this one thought aside and agree to disagree. For two years, he and his husband have wanted nothing to do with me at all! He still talks to his mom and his brother, but only because they want no animosity between them. -- Frustrated Dad

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conuly

Dear Annie: My husband is controlling. Everything has to be his way. I've caught him in lies. We argue constantly. I get pretty tired of it, but I come right back to him every time. I'm trying to figure out what to do.

We've both had hard lives. I've heard some concerning things about how he treated his ex-wife. I'm a nice and sweet person. I just want to be treated right. I don't like being yelled at or controlled. I used to work but now I can't get a job because he doesn't want me to get a job.

Also, he still constantly deals with his ex-girlfriend. She and I can't stand each other. She's been stalking him for seven years. I tried telling him to change his number and he won't. I don't know if he's still talking to her; she calls him privately. I was wondering what to do. I think he still has feelings for her, because otherwise he'd have told her to stop "stalking" him, instead of just letting it continue. What do you think? -- Stay or Go

( Oh, Annie, no! )

cereta

Dear Annie: The problem is not with our son, but his wife. They dated in high school and college, and she was friendly and nice to us during those periods, visiting us quite often. They were married after living together for more than five years, and during that time we had good relations with them. They would visit us once a week.

My son and daughter-in-law are well-educated, and they now have two young daughters, ages 6 and 3. The girls are very attached to us. But our daughter-in-law controls the girls and they rarely visit us.

When they do visit, their mother won't let the kids out of her sight. The other day, my wife showed the children the strawberries that had grown in our backyard. Their mother immediately told them not to eat them, even though my wife had said they would be washed. Their mother said no.

We helped our son and his wife financially to buy their house. They live around 10 minutes' drive from our house. Yet we go to their house only two times a year to attend our granddaughters' birthdays. Otherwise, they never invite us. Being in our 60s, we are not young. It seems odd, but even when we want to babysit, she refuses to have them stay with us. Yet her parents babysit all the time.

When he is alone with us, our son is happy to chat, but once she arrives, he becomes a totally changed person -- as if he is her puppy.

Once a week, we insist that our son have lunch with us at a restaurant during his lunch break from work. But if we bring up any issues involving his wife's attitude toward us or our grandchildren, he gets very mad, so we don't even discuss it.

We have another son and we have no problems; he and his wife let my wife babysit, and we meet with them often.

We are sad about the son whose wife has become unfriendly, and we are turning to you for advice. -- Questioning Grandparents

Dear Questioning Grandparents: Keeping your grandchildren away from you and your husband not only hurts you, but it also hurts the children. Grandparents can provide security and wisdom to their grandchildren. They can tell them stories of what their dad was like when he was their age. Kids always get a kick out of that. It is understandable that you crave a loving relationship with them. Grandkids can help grandparents to stay mentally sharp and stave off depression or loneliness.

Your daughter-in-law seems to be a controlling person, and that is creating problems for your relationship with your and for your son. So continue to tread lightly and appreciate the time you get with your son and his children, however limited it is. Also, watch that you don't try to control your own son by saying "we insist" that he have lunch with you once a week.

Keep talking to your son about your desire to have a close relationship, and explain all of the mutual benefits. Ask what would make your son and daughter-in-law more comfortable visiting or letting you babysit. Get interested in her concerns. At the same time, continue to nurture your relationship with your other son's kids and enjoy being terrific grandparents.

cereta

( Male entitlement; this one's a whopper )

cereta

( Childhood sexual, physical, and verbal abuse and responses thereto. )

cereta

Dear Annie: I love most dogs and have had pets all my life, but there are times and places in which pets should not accompany their owners. Of course, trained service dogs are the exception.

I am seeing so many dogs being exposed to crowded stores and outdoor festivals and sales. They are generally on leashes, but some breeds are so protective of their owners that they can become hard to control when another dog is present. I recently saw a woman who had her medium-sized dog riding in her grocery cart -- a cart that others would eventually be using for food.

I think that most dogs are more comfortable in their home environment and should not be exposed to crowded areas. It will probably elicit some angry responses, but please give your thoughts on leaving the pets at home. -- Don't Bring Fido

Dear Don't Bring Fido: If one's dog is well-behaved, it is a nice treat for the owner, the dog and the people around them -- the ones who like dogs, anyway -- for the dog to go on adult excursions once in a while. However, I totally understand your concern, and I agree that dogs should not be put into food carts.

There are benefits to being around friendly dogs. Petting them is a known stress soother. It feels good and can lower your blood pressure. Studies have shown that petting a dog or cat helps your body release a relaxation hormone and cuts down on levels of a stress hormone. So why not wag more and bark less? I say that because having a dog at a social event gives people the chance to pet the dog when maybe they can't afford a dog or live in an apartment that does not allow dogs. Dogs are domestic and social animals that love to be with their owners.

cereta

( Parenting, conflict between parents )

cereta

Dear Annie: I was recently out of town for a long weekend with some girlfriends. When I returned home, I opened the refrigerator and commented to my husband of 30 years that based on the leftovers, he must have prepared a nice meal for himself. He responded that he had invited my best friend, who is single, over to have dinner and watch a football game. He had not mentioned this to me during our text correspondence over the weekend. They are also good friends. I would not have minded if they had gone to a public place for a meal or a game, but I feel that the intimacy of their having dinner in our home was inappropriate. My husband said it did not occur to him that anything was wrong with what he did. I know nothing intimate happened between them. My girlfriend and I have been best friends for 25 years. Am I being too sensitive? -- Surprised

Dear Surprised: Yes, you probably are being a little too sensitive about where your husband and best friend had dinner. But if your wish is that he have dinner at a restaurant and not your house, you should tell him. You were unable to tell him because the real issue is that you were gone for a girls weekend and only communicated with your husband via text. Marriage is about intimacy and communication. Had you or he picked up the phone, you probably would have been more reassured to hear his voice, and he most likely would have mentioned to you that your friend was coming over to the house. At that point, you could have said you really would prefer that they go to a restaurant. Relationships are all about verbal communication, and we invite trouble when we expect our partners to be mind readers.

cereta

( Body image )

cereta

Dear Annie: A man who extends his hand demanding a handshake is presumptuous and arrogant. Handshaking is unsanitary and disgusting, in my opinion. Any gentleman with any intelligence should know how abhorrent it is to most ladies. Especially repulsive are workmen who have dirty hands or workers in a position of servitude. They seem to have the opinion that they are offering a gesture of friendliness rather than committing an act generally rebuffed in contempt of such poor manners.

To express my displeasure, I withdraw away from the ignoramus and will retaliate by not doing business with him. Gentlemen should know better than to extend their hand to a lady.

Please print my letter so that people who have this gross habit might understand that it is not met with the approval they seem to expect. They do themselves a grave disfavor in most instances. Being a lady, I'm a devout hater of handshakes! -- Handshake Hater

Dear Handshake Hater: Lady, the one with poor manners is you. I can't for the life of me understand why you'd show such scorn for a gesture that is meant -- even by your own acknowledgment -- to show friendliness. If you're that afraid of the germs, wash your hands more often or keep some hand sanitizer handy. Negativity poses its own health risks, by the way, so shake that attitude.

cereta

( Nosiness about service animals )

cereta

Dear Annie: Recently, I attended the funeral of a lady at my church, whom I didn't know very well; but when I read her obituary in the newspaper and found that she had sung in the choir in her younger days, I made a donation to the church's choir fund. Afterwards I received a thank-you note from her daughter and her husband (who only signed the card from "Bob" and "Cindy," even though I don't know them), saying, "Thank you for the memorial gift". It would have been much nicer if she had said something like, "Thank you for the memorial gift to the church's choir fund in my mother's memory." The same kind of thing applies to bridal couples who send out thank-yous for wedding presents. I hope that you will share this advice with the rest of your readers. -- Memorial Gift Forgotten

Dear Memorial Gift Forgotten: I've received and printed many letters about thank-you notes, and I thought I was done with the subject for a while. But I wanted to address this one, because it's a special case. Yes, thank-yous for wedding gifts are a must, but memorial gifts are different. This is one situation in which it's completely understandable for someone not to send a thank-you.

Memorial gifts are meant not only to commemorate the dead but also to comfort the grieving. If the bereaved forget to thank you for the comfort you've offered, or if they thank you in the "wrong" way, forgive them. Grief has a way of being distracting. Your gesture was kind. Don't tarnish it with unmet expectations.

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Agony Aunt

May 2025

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conuly - Amy gets it right
petrea_mitchell - Dear Annie: My girlfriend won't talk to me about recent clothing choices that seem out of character
petrea_mitchell - Dear Annie: Autistic child’s dad doesn’t understand meltdowns
conuly - All these people need to break up with all these other people
conuly - Yes, I really believe this is a real letter by a real person about a real problem he really has
conuly - Inlaws, inlaws, inlaws!
conuly - (no subject)
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conuly - Double dose of missing reasons!
conuly - Looking for Peace With Son
conuly - His Way or the Highway
cereta - Dear Annie: Controlling Daughter-in-Law
cereta - Dear Annie: Yeah, I got nothing
cereta - Dear Annie:
cereta - Dear Annie: Dogs Everywhere
cereta - Dear Annie: Should Dad cough up some cash?
cereta - Dear Annie: Husband has a Night in with Someone Else
cereta - Dear Annie: 'Throwback Thursday' Pix Anger Friend
cereta - Dear Annie: Because sometimes you just have to share
cereta - Annie's Mailbox: Asking about service animals
cereta - Dear Annie: Another Thank You Note Letter

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