agonyaunt | Entries tagged with discipline

How do we get our 4-year-old to stop negotiating and respect our rules?

Hi Meghan: My 4-year-old is pushing boundaries, as she should. She’s also a fast learner. She’s taken to turning the same approaches we use on her back on us.

For example: She would not go into her room at bedtime. Parent said if she did not go into her room, she would lose one minute of screen time the next day. A few minutes later, she said if parent did not do something they had already said we would not do, parent would lose five points tomorrow. Funny, usually. But not when we say “I’m asking you to do X” or “I need you to do Y” and the response is often “No, I’M asking you to do [some unacceptable thing].”

How do we balance respecting her right for autonomy and her (frankly very good) negotiation techniques with the need for her to respect rules and do what we say when necessary?

— Mini-negotiator

Mini-negotiator: Negotiation requires not just talking through something but compromising on what you want. Sure, you can have some discussion with a 4-year-old, but compromise? That requires a good bit of maturity and the ability to consider another person’s viewpoint and, it turns out, 4-year-old children aren’t so hot at that.

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conuly

How do you deal with messy bedrooms? Our 11-year-old is responsible when it comes to a lot of things, but keeping her room clean isn’t one of them. I could deal with general messiness, but her floor is just covered in clothes (both clean and dirty), skincare products, school stuff, etc. It will get to a point where she cleans it up, but within a week it’s a disaster again. She doesn’t seem to be embarrassed when friends come over and honestly doesn’t understand why we care so much. What’s the best way to not only keep her room clean enough so I don’t have to avert my eyes when walking past, but also have it so this isn’t an ongoing battle?

—Where’s the Floor

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

What’s the best way to handle “parenting” other people’s children? My kids are very close with a pair of siblings (all 9 and 6). The son, “Trent,” is my son’s best friend and likely has ADHD (they are awaiting formal diagnosis) As a result, he struggles with managing emotions and has frequent meltdowns over seemingly small issues, so it can be hard to tell how to address some of his behaviors versus how I would with my own kids.

Recently when the kids were over, the four of them decided to start a band. They all chose instruments, happily practiced for half an hour, and then called us in for a performance. At this point, Trent decided he wanted to play either the instrument my son had or the one his older sister had. I kindly explained that it wouldn’t be fair to switch as they’d all agreed earlier and been practicing, but he could choose a different instrument no one was using, be the second piano player alongside his sister, or they could do a second set afterwards where they swapped instruments and he could have the one he wanted. But he wasn’t interested in any of these and got upset.

I held firm on the fairness issue—with my kids, they don’t get their way just because they’re upset. Trent started crying and saying he wanted to go home, and I was a bit at a loss for what I should do. In the end, both his sister (who is used to these scenarios) and my son offered to swap with him, and he took my son’s instrument. I don’t know whether this was an emotional dysregulation thing or more typical 6-year-old who isn’t getting his way behavior. I told my son later it was kind of him to switch but that he shouldn’t feel he needs to do something he thinks is unfair just because someone else is upset. (My son was visibly annoyed when Trent didn’t thank him for swapping and was much less interested in the band after.)

What was the best way to handle a crying 6-year-old at my house when his parents aren’t there to step in? Should I have encouraged someone to swap with him when I saw he was getting upset to try to keep the peace, or was I right to hold the line?

—My House, Whose Rules?

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a low stakes question: My 2-year-old daughter called me a “poo head” the other day. I was distraught; she was bubbling over with glee. I put on my best mischievous grin and responded that SHE was the poo head. She laughed a lot, said I was the poo head and it continued. I was honestly having fun. I looked over to find my partner (her Dad) looking somewhat exasperated. I asked him what was up. He said we’re not supposed to go along with it, that name calling is a thing, and that it probably shouldn’t be a game. I said I think it’s OK, it’s clear we’re having fun and if she was trying to be mean or trying to hurt me, or if it hurt another child, my response would be different. He shrugged, he thinks she’s too young to get different contexts and that I’m “making a rod for my own back” later down the line. I really wasn’t sure… do you think this will come back to bite me?

—Poo Head

( She's two. She'll grow out of it )

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

My younger son, Evan, recently started his sophomore year in high school. I was stunned when he was suspended for a week over an assignment he’d turned in. One of his classes called for an essay to analyze a plan that went wrong, starting with why the plan was adopted, what flaws were inherent in its assumptions or execution, the consequences of the failure of the plan, and how the plan could be improved.

Evan chose to wrote about his school’s zero-tolerance for fighting policy. He thinks the policy was adopted because the school’s administrators are stupid and wanted to rid themselves of trying to figure out who’s responsible when an incident occurs. This policy, Evan says, increases violence, since if a kid can get suspended for even being near a fight, they might as well be violent once a fight starts. He points to several kids who were suspended, and one expelled, for being in the vicinity of a fight—or even attacked—and notes that this is both unjust and damaging to their education. His suggestion for fixing things involves giving the school staff brain transplants from the principal’s cats, which he declares would enhance their intelligence.

I am beside myself that Evan could be so disrespectful and insulting to his school’s administration. But no matter what sort of discipline I apply at home (he’s been grounded for the foreseeable future, and I’ve started monitoring his internet usage), he remains stubbornly defiant that the policy is terrible and the principal et al. are idiots. My husband has been absolutely no help at all—not going quite so far as to openly agree with Evan, but making it perfectly clear that he does in fact sympathize with him. I don’t know how to regain a handle on this situation.

—Furious Mom

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cereta

( Yelling at kids )

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Agony Aunt

Entries tagged with discipline

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