um

Feb. 5th, 2025 02:35 pm
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
From yesterday's Miss Manners:

Dear Miss Manners: The other night, around 6 p.m., my mother-in-law came to our house without a call or text. Just randomly showed up and started talking to us in the dining room.

I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and had timed it so that I could do other things while the food was in the oven. However, that was interrupted when she came by.

After 15 minutes, I took the food out, added sauce and put it back in for an additional 5 minutes. She saw me do this, and instead of leaving since it was clearly our dinnertime, she pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down! I'm not sure how she failed to read the room.

What is the best way to let her know, without seeming rude, that she should call or text before just popping in?


MM: This was not just any guest, and the term mother-in-law carries often-unjust overtones that are irrelevant to your situation.

If your husband's mother wants to drop by unannounced and stay for dinner, and your husband is unwilling to toss her out, you are stuck. But Miss Manners does not see why this should ruin your night.

Set her a place at the table. After dinner, she can sit with the rest of the family while you go about your evening. If she is still around when the kids go to sleep, your husband can sit with her while you catch up on work — or on a good book.
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
Dear Miss Manners: Is there a proper way to let someone know of my feelings for them? Does a proper courtship have to, at least initially, be hinted at and read between the lines?

Despite the appeal of love at first sight, Miss Manners would think that a declaration of love would be more flattering when you have gotten to know something about the person.

But this is not the Lovelorn Department, so she consulted her dear friend Stendhal, who declares in his book “On Love” that it is doubt that fuels love — and certainty that cools it.
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
Dear Miss Manners: Our daughter is getting married in about six months. My husband and I told her that we would help out financially, and have contributed a significant amount thus far. She and her fiancé have to cover some of the costs, as well. The groom’s parents are not contributing anything toward the reception.

My daughter doesn’t share the same etiquette as I do on certain things. She balked at our wanting to invite seven friends, but then I found out that she invited about 40 more guests than originally planned. She will give all of her guests a plus-one, but was reluctant to do the same for her one aunt.

She chose to have a destination wedding that’s about 90 minutes away from our city. In our area, wedding receptions include an open bar, but she told me that they will only have an open bar for three hours, ending with a cash bar. We offered to pay for the additional hour, as we feel like you should provide for your guests, especially if you are asking people to travel out of town for your wedding (and possibly expect them to pay for lodging for the night).

She won’t hear of it. Their logic for not having an open bar for the full evening is that the groom has one friend who might drink too much. (Just don’t invite him?)

We are feeling a lot of frustration, as she doesn’t accept any suggestions from us and feels that she knows everything. Another relative did this to her parents: insisted that she knew everything, and then ran out of wine right after dinner. Our daughter has told us that she won’t repeat that behavior, but she is showing all the signs of doing just that.

Am I out of touch, or out of line, in wanting to provide an open bar for the guests? I see it as a courtesy, and if we are willing to pick up the additional $7 a person, it is worth it.


MM: Just because someone is paying for a wedding does not mean that their decisions should dominate, Miss Manners has often said. But just because they are the parents does.

Your daughter’s rejection of your generosity is baffling. And her logic that the drunk friend will drink less for the one hour that he has to pay for it is even more so. If your daughter is truly concerned about the well-being of this gentleman, then offer to close the bar and shut down the party entirely after three hours.

Faced with the prospect of ending the festivities early, Miss Manners feels fairly certain she will come around.
michelel72: (Cat-Winry-Eek)
[personal profile] michelel72
Dear Miss Manners: I sent out a dinner invitation to my in-laws. My brother-in-law called my husband to confirm attendance. He added that he will be bringing his boyfriend, and will require certain food accommodations because the boyfriend was just discharged from the hospital a couple of days ago after a major organ transplant surgery.

I decided to cancel the dinner, telling my husband that it is rude and entitled to inconvenience your host. If one is that delicate that he needs special treatment, then he should stay home. My husband says I’m being too sensitive and should just ignore the request. What does Miss Manners think?


That someone should be checking in on the boyfriend who just had a major organ transplant?!

Miss Manners has sympathy for the rampant abuse of hosts when it comes to inviting extra people and dictating menus. But she does not cancel dinners over them — and not for legitimate excuses such as bringing an established partner and asking to accommodate his post-hospitalization diet.

Not only are you being too sensitive, you are being actively insensitive. But you may take comfort in knowing that your husband's idea to ignore the (likely) medically necessary dietary request may actually be worse.

(Gift link to the full column)
petrea_mitchell: (Default)
[personal profile] petrea_mitchell
Actual headline: Work-from-home employee mourns missed chances to meet women

Dear Miss Manners: You’ve always advised against mixing social life with work, although I’m not sure why. And now I read that the generation entering the workforce agrees with you, and is not particularly interested in having work friends.

Hey, I miss my office friends now that we're working from home! Work was also where I met women. I met my ex-wife at a previous job. (Sure, we all know you're not supposed to date at the office, but we all do.)

I like my job, but the higher-ups are okay with people coming in just once or twice a week. So when people do come in, they need to spend the time looking like they’re really working, if you know what I mean, and not being friendly like we used to.

Frankly, I'm lonely a lot of time, and I bet I'm not the only one. I tried going to coffee shops where people work during the day, but they're all pounding away on their laptops or yapping on the phone. I can't just break in and get acquainted.

What do you suggest? I’m tired of having only virtual “friends,” who are probably not even who they say they are.


Read more... )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
1. Dear Miss Manners: I am expecting houseguests, and their visit will include a Sunday morning. Normal Sunday mornings for us include a church service; we only stay home if someone in the house is ill or the roads are unsafe due to weather.

Our guests will be invited to join us at church, but if they decline, ought I stay at home with them? Or is it acceptable to leave them at the house with a generous supply of coffee, pastries and the Sunday paper?


Read more... )

********


2. Dear Amy: All of the kids in our family were brought up with religion not being a part of our lives. We are all over 60 now and recently my wife and I were invited over for Easter dinner at my sister’s place. Suddenly, my brother-in-law starts saying grace. It’s not important to me, so I just sat there. After dinner was over, my sister said to me, “You could at least have bowed your head.”

Religion was never a part of our family and I felt it wrong for her to all of a sudden expect me to have to bend to their new beliefs. I don’t care if they say grace, it’s just not my thing. Your thoughts?
— No Grace for Me


WTF Amy )

...huh?

Feb. 28th, 2024 05:17 pm
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
Dear Miss Manners: My son is getting married next year to a lovely person with whom I have a good relationship. They are currently perusing venues, although they are unsure how many guests they will invite. Would it be poor manners to send them a possible guest list for my son’s side, with tiers of importance — such as aunts/uncles, then cousins, and so on — so they can see what they’re in for if they move to the next tier?

My husband says they should just invite whom they feel closest to, but I see a problem with that — for example, if they choose three cousins but not all five. My heart tells me it is their wedding and they can do what they want, but I’m not sure I can deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for the next 20 years if they decide to be choosy.



To whom did your husband offer his advice? If it was only meant for you — as a way of saying that the time for parental advice has passed — Miss Manners must disagree with him.

If it was meant for your son, then we instead disagree on what constitutes good parental advice. Your son should be warned, if he does not already know, that you will not be the only one who has to listen to 20 years of hurt feelings if he distributes invitations capriciously. As to ranking the relatives, this is best done verbally; if such a list were to be written down and inadvertently forwarded, 20 years would be a light sentence for the resulting storm.
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
[I don't agree with MM that the two are the same -- surely the equivalent of "gift reaction/thanks" is "dinner reaction/thanks"?]

Dear Miss Manners: I must admit I’ve never understood etiquette’s requirement to invite people to one’s home after being invited to theirs. When my spouse and I host, we feel that it’s our idea — nobody asked us to make a dinner and invite the group. We enjoy cooking and spending time with everyone.

Is it not improper for hosts to expect that they will be “repaid” with invitations from their guests?


Your statement is akin to the frequently argued one that people should give presents because they really want to, and therefore responses from the recipients are unnecessary. So only selfish people feel the need for positive reactions from those they entertain or send presents.

Evidently, you do not care whether the presents were successful, or if your guests liked you enough to initiate seeing you again. Most of us do. Miss Manners can think of hardly anyone — or even any business — not wishing, if not clamoring, for “likes” and feedback.

However, reciprocating hospitality does not necessarily involve duplicating the original scenario — what you characterize as repayment in kind. People entertain in different ways, and an invitation to a picnic or a bistro would be full reciprocation for a formal dinner.

What is important is what it says: “We were not just looking for a free night out. We enjoyed ourselves and want to see you again.”
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Miss Manners: I’ve had just about enough of a certain action I see at parties: I feel it’s absolutely rude to decline a piece of the cake. Sorry to all who think “politely declining” is polite. Take a piece of the darn cake and throw it out later if you can’t eat it. If you’re full, dieting, diabetic or even allergic, just graciously accept it and the host will move on happily.

The cake is made with all the guests in mind, and that costs a lot of time and money. And if, like me, there’s no medical reason not to eat it, taste a piece for good luck. What is your professional opinion?


Read more... )
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
Dear Miss Manners: My 10-year-old grandson decided to have his stuffed animals — a raccoon, a monkey, a bunny rabbit and an octopus — “spy” on me. They are put in places where they can “watch” me. (I should add that the animals do not have any embedded cameras or recording equipment.)

My wife of 40 years goes along with this. I put the animals away, but she brings them back, maybe even hiding them better.

I have never seen this issue addressed before. How do I get my grandson and wife to stop having these animals spy on me? I am 67 years old, a retired attorney and a minister. I do not need watching!


MM: The monkey says otherwise.

[link]
petrea_mitchell: (Default)
[personal profile] petrea_mitchell
AAM: My coworker is vandalizing my car (letter #2)

Another employee and I work for the same company but at different locations. I noticed strange things happening to my car when I go to the store. My car is getting keyed and nails are forcefully in my tires when I go in the building. When I return, I always find something wrong with my car. I decided to put cameras in my car and I caught this other employee doing more crimes to my car. Do I come forward with the footage and show it to the manager? Is this a fireable offensive for the employee that’s been doing it to my car?

Read more... )

Miss Manners: I’m fairly certain my mother-in-law is stealing from her company. Do I turn her in?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law works for a company by ordering products and shipping things out. For several years, I’ve noticed she will spend the company’s money on herself. She pays for shipping her Christmas gifts with the company account, and her house is furnished with their “damaged goods.”

I’ve mentioned to her that I thought she could get in trouble if they caught her, but she is a fierce know-it-all type. The more it happens, the less I like her. What she does is simply wrong, and I don’t know how to look the other way.

Do I need to just turn my head, or is it OK to reach out to her company?


Read more... )
cereta: Text from Blooms County: "Fer crying out loud...He's not dead again, is he? (dead again)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Miss Manners: When texting or emailing friends or clients, I often start off with “Good morning” or “How are you?” and end with “Have a great day.”

I always get short, right-to-the-point answers back, like “Okay,” and they don’t usually start with “Good morning” or end with “Have a good day.” So sometimes, I sarcastically reply “Good morning to me, too,” which I know people don’t like.

Am I too sensitive? I am old school and I just think people are being rude. They can say a little more than “Be there” or something like that. Maybe my expectations are too high and I won’t expect as much anymore.

Miss Manners: An excess of sensitivity would not be the diagnosis from Miss Manners after you admitted to the sarcastic barb. In the hope of preventing the next one, let her point out that different methods of communication carry with them different expectations about brevity.

While she agrees it would be unmannerly not to say hello to someone to whom you have just been introduced in a social setting, she would prefer to dispense with the prelude when warning someone about a fast-approaching car. Texts fall somewhere in between.
petrea_mitchell: (Default)
[personal profile] petrea_mitchell
That was the actual headline.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our new neighbors are well-known for being troublemakers. We are maintaining a cold and distant relationship with them, due to their famously disrespectful ways, and we have already been warned they are gossiping about us because of this.

I had to request intervention from the police due to them constantly blocking the entrance to my garage. I need to know if there is something polite I can write in my social media feed, which they follow, to the effect of, “The original homeowners are always remembered for their excellent behavior, respect, good boundaries and friendly relations -- things that the new owners are completely lacking.”

We are ignoring them, but they haven’t forgotten my call to the police and are constantly gossiping that we are the bad ones.


Read more... )
ysobel: (Default)
[personal profile] ysobel
Dear Miss Manners: I have been friends with a woman for almost 15 years. We are part of a group that often gets together for game nights, and we also celebrate important days in our lives.

On her last birthday, I offered to take her out to dinner, something we have done for both of our birthdays every year. She responded by saying she wants to take a break from seeing all the people in the gaming group until further notice. Our other friends say they still see her, but she refuses to see me or respond to my texts or emails. I am confused and bewildered about why she has ended our friendship. Our other friends aren’t sure why she made this decision.

I would apologize, but don’t know what I did to create this chasm between us. After no response to two emails and a letter where I expressed a desire to talk through what is going on, I don’t know what else to do. Should I just accept the end of our friendship and move on? Even if she eventually reaches out, I am hurt and confused and not sure how to respond.


It is too soon to give up, if only because you admit the possibility that you may have done something that requires an apology. The question is, what?

Contrary to what you have been told, your other friends — at least some of them — do know what happened. They just (understandably) do not want to be put in the middle. Ask them again, one by one, until one confesses, reports your question back to your longtime friend or persuades you they truly don’t know. The most likely outcome is that you will learn something that will inform you of what to do next.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: Some good friends of ours, a husband and wife, have a painting of the wife in their living room. The painting is a nude from her much younger days. It is not erotic, but it is very large and very explicit and detailed. She is looking at the viewer with a direct challenge.

When we visit, we are always taken to this room. I’ve asked to go to another room or to the garden, but my hostess says she loves to entertain in that room because of the sea view, which it does have.

It does not seem there is any polite way to avoid the giant nude, short of not visiting at all. Can you think of a way?


Many social situations require one to ignore the obvious; this is called tact. Miss Manners would have thought this was one of the less unpleasant of such situations, as you will be able to have a good snicker about it in the car on the way home.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: My daughter informs me that after a couple marries, they are required to spend every Christmas with the groom’s family, rather than alternating, as was the practice before the wedding.

Is this an American tradition — or any, for that matter? I am not familiar with this “requirement.”


Neither is anyone else, except your daughter’s in-laws.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: I’ve known my current friends since college — over 25 years. These days, my income is much greater than theirs.

I bought a luxury watch, car and other expensive goods, but I never wear or use them when I’m with my friends, who do not have such things. I’d like to wear my watch, but don’t want to flaunt my income or be a jerk. What is the proper etiquette?
Read more... )
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: After my uncle recently died, a cousin sent me some cremated remains that had been in his custody, saying they were the ashes of my beloved surrogate grandmother, Paula, who died about 20 years ago. Read more... )
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: I was in a bathroom stall, using the toilet. Enter a person wanting to know what stall I’m in.

I replied, “What?” Person then asks again. I sternly said, “At the end!”


Presuming that this person is not someone to whom you said “I’ll be right back” 45 minutes ago, Miss Manners is as puzzled as you.

We will have to guess the reason for the question. You could ask, of course, but surely this is not a conversation you want to prolong.

If there is a next time, try, “There are empty stalls toward the front.” Or silence, with the excuse that as you were unseen, the question might have been addressed to someone else.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: I have two very good friends as houseguests a few times a year. They are both quite overweight.

The last time they stayed with me, they slept in our guest room, which has a pullout sofa. After they left, I noticed that they had bent the bed frame so badly that it couldn’t be bent back into place.

Of course, I did not say anything about it to them, but I have since purchased a new pullout sofa. They are planning to visit soon, and I don’t know what to do about the sleeping arrangements. My husband thinks it’s very strange to offer them our bed, and I think they would find it strange as well. Do I have any other options?


Not really. No doubt, your guests will be keenly aware of why there is a new sofa bed — and fearful of breaking the new one if it is offered. (A note to sofa bed manufacturers: Please make your products more sturdy.) Any awkwardness in suggesting the bed will likely pale in comparison to the prospect of the alternative — or the relief in not having to discuss it. Miss Manners suggests something as simple as, “We’re moving things around a bit. Why don’t you take our room?”
cereta: White Wine (White Wine)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I went to a restaurant on my birthday. A sign at the door advertised a special reward when paying the bill if you were dining on your birthday. So, I mentioned to the waitress that it was my birthday, in anticipation of the reward.

When it came time to order dessert, the waitress brought a large dessert of the restaurant's choosing to my table with a showy sparkler stuck into it.

I was appalled. This was not a dessert that I could share with my wife, as she didn't like it, and I was hugely embarrassed as I do not make a big deal out of my birthday. Now everybody in the restaurant knew it was my birthday.

I didn't want to hurt the feelings of the waitress, so I feigned delight and ate the dessert. I really wanted to share a dessert with my wife, but because of the actions of the waitress, I was cheated out of this opportunity and I'm not very happy about it.

How should I have handled the situation better? Should I have sent the unexpected dessert back and ordered what we really wanted? And why do people do stuff like this on birthdays without asking the celebrant first if it's what they really want?

Miss Manners: People generally do not do things like this, but companies do. And no matter how many times the restaurant assures you that they are all about people, or people are their business, or people come first — what they are doing is running a business.

Miss Manners does not object to this; in fact, she is sympathetic. She mentions it to explain her lack of surprise that a restaurant that no doubt prides itself on “tailoring their service to your every need” in fact establishes rigid policies for their employees that do not always fit a given situation.

Someone in the head office thought it would be nice to do something special for the birthday boy or girl. They told someone, who told someone, who told the staff. You ordered the special reward, and out it came. A more astute waitperson would indeed have noticed that you had not ordered your dinner from the children’s menu, and may have been able to adjust the reward accordingly. But as it was free, Miss Manners agrees with your accepting it with reasonable grace — and not asking about the free pony ride.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: A few days ago, my mother-in-law informed me of the death of her husband’s brother. I passed along the news to more distant relatives who needed to be informed.

A day later, however, my father-in-law told us that the uncle in question was … not actually dead. I updated the relatives, but I had trouble not making it sound like a farce, which seemed disrespectful of the uncle in question.

I am curious if there is a more polite way to tell people, “My mother-in-law is declaring people dead when they’re not.”


“It seems that there has been a mistake and fortunately, Uncle Lou is not, in fact, dead.” Miss Manners hopes that the relief this news provides will overshadow the blame of whoever’s mistake it originally was.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: I spent a year in England as a transfer college student. I met a nice guy, and I’m planning to move there to be with him.

The only thing is, he has requested more than once that I start using their lingo instead of the typical American phrasing, such as saying “loo” instead of “bathroom” or “lift” instead of “elevator.” That kind of thing.

He said some English people he knows have an unfavorable view of Americans and it makes me stick out in a negative way. What do you think?


That it would be helpful to know what the English gentleman thinks before committing yourself to him. Is it pride in his nationality? Or shame at yours?

Miss Manners would consider it reasonable of him to expect you to use the language of the country you are visiting. But if he is embarrassed of you being American and is choosing to cater to the prejudices of others, you should reconsider.
lemonsharks: (flames on the side of my face)
[personal profile] lemonsharks
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently living with my mother. Not wanting to freeload, I suggested that she charge me rent. She seemed surprised, and said she’d get back to me.

Later, she appeared in a rather formal outfit and said she was now my landlady. She spelled out my rental rate and terms; it was higher than I had planned on, but she conveyed such an air of authority that I didn’t argue.

spoiler: it gets worse )
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: My email was hacked. Some of my loving, trusting, generous — and also naive — friends were tricked into sending money to scammers, because they thought they were helping me.

I am grateful to have such friends, but naturally, I feel rotten about this. Everybody tells me I am not to blame — even the ones who were defrauded — but I still feel guilty and responsible.

My etiquette problem is that part of the scam was the promise of repayment. That will not happen.

My friends may not be able to afford losing the money they thought they were simply loaning to me on a short-term basis. As it happens, though technically not responsible, I can help, and I’m anxious to. How do I go about it in a delicate and sensitive way? They may have their pride.


Become exceedingly generous whenever you can, bestowing presents on these people.

That should quell any issues of pride. But if they question your generosity, Miss Manners suggests you tell them, “Let’s just say this is from me and the ‘prince’ who scammed you.”
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: I have a date with a guy I met three years ago. We have communicated on and off, and now he is coming to town and has asked me out. The date is on his birthday, and I don’t know whether I should do something for him!

Asking someone for a first — or first-in-a-while — date on one’s birthday is like bringing along your parents: It skips necessary steps on the way to developing a relationship.

For that reason, Miss Manners would have changed the day, had she known. Because it is too late for that, you should bring a token gift — inexpensive and lighthearted — while he should insist that he has never attached much importance to the day — which is not really plausible, because he must have been the one who told you.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
(Not, strictly speaking, a follow-up to this letter, but certainly on the same theme.)

Dear Miss Manners: I spent two days cooking a flawless Thanksgiving dinner for immediate family (because of coronavirus restrictions). It was just us, my partner's daughter and her family (husband, toddler and mother-in-law). That's it.

The guests were assigned to either bring a pie and/or wine. That was their only contribution. After the meal was over, my partner's daughter got up from the table and opened a large backpack, which I had assumed was for the toddler's things.

Nope. It was full of food containers. She asked whether I wanted any leftovers, to which I said, "Yes, of course."

She then proceeded to take all the best cuts of the turkey, all the trimmings and side dishes, the stuffing that was in the bird (the best part) and even 90 percent of the leftover desserts: a pie she brought, a pecan pie I provided and a cake her mother-in-law made. She left us one piece of pecan and two small pieces of pumpkin.

I was so flabbergasted that I couldn't speak. I thought the Grinch Who Stole Christmas had arrived early. She just packed it all up and left.

I still cannot get over it. I am angry, resentful and more than annoyed. It is not that I wouldn't have offered her some leftovers. Of course I would have. But she just marched in as if they were hers.

Her father said nothing, and I know better than to broach the subject with him. Not wise.

Am I being too sensitive? I thought it was just about the rudest, most entitled and most disrespectful behavior I had ever witnessed, and I took it entirely personally, as an affront toward me and my position in the family. I am not her meal cooker or servant. I lost all respect for her. What would you suggest I do?


Serve plated food at Christmas, accepting no contributions from others.

Of course it was rude and crass, but so many people are doing this that you should not take it personally. Miss Manners has speculated on the possible reasons:

1. So many meals (not just holiday feasts) are now cooperative that those who bring food are sharing the duties of the host — and claiming the privileges.

2. The habit of eating in restaurants, where diners may take home the leftover food for which they have paid, has unfortunately been extended to private dinners.

3. Adult children may feel as if a parent’s home is still their own, which includes raiding the refrigerator.

4. Rampant greed is everywhere, and people are grabbing whatever they can get away with taking.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: I'm invited to Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws of my daughter. Is it rude to take my own to-go container to bring home leftovers?

And a burlap bag in which to take home the silverware when they are finished using it?
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I are in our late 60s, and we have both been previously married. When we decided last year to get married, we wanted a no-frills occasion, so we decided to go to one of the Elvis chapels in Las Vegas.

We thought it would be a fun place to have a get-together with family. We called our relatives and close friends, and were surprised that 21 people wanted to come and share the day. We paid for the flights of our four kids. After the wedding, we decided to go out to eat with everyone. We all paid for our own dinners.

Six months later, my older brother came for a visit, and to my surprise, all of a sudden he asked me if my husband was cheap. I was so hurt. He said he thought we should have paid for everyone's dinner that night.

It was over $800. We are comfortable financially, but not overly wealthy, and all who attended were financially secure. This was not a reception, in our mind.

Do you think we should have paid for dinner?


Nursing a grudge is a time-consuming and delicate activity, so it does not surprise Miss Manners when people make a mess of it.

Certainly, your brother has. Perhaps — just perhaps — there was a case to be made that the meal was your wedding reception, although it seems a stretch given the informality displayed. It in no way justifies harboring a grievance over a simple misunderstanding for six months, making an accusation against your husband — and ignoring the larger context of this having been the wedding of his presumably beloved sister.

Miss Manners believes that any misunderstanding was minor and not ill-intentioned, and that it is your brother who is being ungenerous.
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
By which I mean that the question does not make me angry/sad/worried.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 51-year-old cis woman with a unique name that is easily and consistently confused with a male name. This has resulted in countless incidents, from minor inconveniences to combative confrontations. I am a CEO, and people usually get very uncomfortable when they realize that they have "misgendered" me.

I have noticed that a lot of people have started to include their chosen pronouns in their email signature lines or other correspondence. I thought this might be an easy and painless way to "announce" my gender.

However, I am somewhat uncomfortable doing so. I feel like I am using an important issue affecting many vulnerable people and co-opting it to solve my stupid personal issue. My questions are:

1. How do I indicate my name and/or gender in a way that is not obnoxious, and that will minimize incidents where people call me by the wrong name or wrong gender (either by email or in person)?

2. Is it morally acceptable for me to list my preferred pronouns in my email or signature lines? And if it's not going to be effective, should I even try?


GENTLE READER: The simplest solution seems to Miss Manners to be to use "Ms." or "Mrs." in parentheses before your name in your correspondence.

As for using, or not using, a separate pronoun line, Miss Manners is in the etiquette, not the morals, business. But she observes that the world is a better place when people do the right thing for the wrong reasons than when they do the wrong thing for the right reasons.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2021/11/11
lilysea: Serious (Default)
[personal profile] lilysea
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three friends who, at times, refuse to talk at all in social situations. I am going to visit one of them as her houseguest.

I suspect that the reason she does not chat or respond to remarks is solely due to her being hard of hearing, but she attributes it to the custom in her family. She does not even respond to practical questions or remarks. I have sat through dinners in total silence.

I suspect that she relies almost totally on lip-reading, hence she chats only when we sit down in a quiet place and she can face me. She will not discuss her hearing without extreme shame and upset. Is it OK if I read, go online, sleep or watch TV (depending on the situation) as I would if I were alone?

The second friend loves to go out for cocktails, but will sometimes sit in silence, barely responding to my questions and not bringing up any topics. I brought along a book to occupy myself during the usual two hours of silence one day, and she remarked angrily, “If I knew you were going to read, I would have brought my book.” I didn’t want to start a fight, so I put the book away and started to talk (that seems to be my job).

The third friend, also on vacation, refused to talk at all at meal times, saying she had to concentrate on her chewing. We were childhood friends and until recently had always chatted during meals. So I turned on the TV and brought a book to the table. She was extremely angry, but still refused to talk.

I am not able to force people to talk, so is it reasonable and polite for me to occupy myself as though I were alone?

GENTLE READER:
Apparently your friends, who may well have hearing problems, do not think so. But rather than deal with that difficulty, they seem to consider it reasonable and polite to remain silent while you perform monologues for them -- so perhaps they are not the most trusted sources. Miss Manners also has to wonder how people who argue that they prioritize chewing over conversation have remained friends for this long.

If you are a houseguest or on vacation, the situation emulates an extension of being in one’s own home. You could say, “It seems that you are tired and I do not wish to burden you with conversation. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind if I read or turned on the television, unless there’s something that you particularly wish to discuss.” Or you can claim your own fatigue and retire to your room.

Unfortunately, when you are out in public together, it is not considered polite to otherwise occupy oneself, even if the conversation is strained. Although that has clearly not stopped most of the electronic device-carrying world.
cereta: Laura Cereta (cereta)
[personal profile] cereta
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommates think it is OK to eat asparagus with their hands. However, I believe this looks childish and that asparagus should be eaten with a knife and fork. Is it really a finger food?

GENTLE READER: Yes, it really is. Every once in a while, etiquette likes to shock people, and this will do it.

However, as it offends you, you can invest in asparagus tongs. Miss Manners assures you that seeing what look like small silver forceps on the dinner table will produce an equal amount of shock.
lilysea: Serious (Default)
[personal profile] lilysea
Dear Miss Manners: When you treat someone to a cup of coffee at an expensive coffee shop, should they choose a smaller size?

Answer: Ah, but which is the smaller size? In today’s cutesy coffee shops, it is unlikely to be called “piccolo.’’
“Order from the middle of the menu,’’ nice ladies were taught, back when gentlemen always paid the bills. But Miss Manners realizes that this would be challenging in a shop that uses pseudo-Italian nomenclature, or where “jumbo’’ might be the most modest choice.

She suggests that a frugal host order preemptively by saying, “We’ll have two mezzos’’ (or whatever they are called), and then graciously inquiring of the guest, “How do you take yours?’’
lilysea: Serious (Default)
[personal profile] lilysea

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepfather’s grandson’s wedding is black-tie optional, and my stepfather’s children are renting him a tux. My mom, who is 90, thought she would wear a nice pants outfit with a dressy jacket, and is resistant to buying something new. She has been through a lot this year (treatment for lymphoma, cancer surgery, and she recently fell and broke her pelvis, so she is in a lot of pain).

I and my three sisters (my mom’s only children) live on the opposite coast, but we are now being pressured by the mother of the groom (my stepfather’s daughter) and my stepfather to see that she is outfitted appropriately -- not just for the wedding, but also for the rehearsal dinner (cocktail attire) and the wedding breakfast to be held the day after the wedding.

They have also expressed concerns about the shoes my mother prefers (very safe, comfortable, but not at all dressy). My sister even heard my stepfather tell her that if she doesn’t get something new to wear, she can stay home and not attend the wedding or other events.

My mother doesn’t stand up for herself, unfortunately. Two of us will be traveling to see her soon, and plan to take her shopping. My sister is even purchasing a few things for my mom that she will bring with her, in the hopes that maybe something will fit and work for this event.

Personally, I think it is extremely superficial of them to dictate what she wears (especially since the wedding is six months from now!). If it were me, I would just be thrilled they are both well enough to attend, regardless of how they are dressed.

Is my mother wrong to resist the request to buy something more formal? Or should the step-family back off?

GENTLE READER: What happened to the “optional” part?

While Miss Manners always advocates dressing properly for the occasion -- and generally abhors “optional,” as it just invites chaos -- the particulars of your mother’s dress seem to be unduly fixated upon here. There is certainly a lot of undue angst being put into this poor woman’s wardrobe that seemingly requires three separate outfits and uncomfortable, possibly dangerous, shoes.

If your mother can reasonably be jollied into the shopping expedition or accepts one of your sister’s choices for one new outfit, fine. But if not, please talk to your stepfather about “backing off.” Surely this cannot really be worth all of this fuss.

cereta: Paper Bage Princess, heading off into the sunset alone (Paper Bag Princess)
[personal profile] cereta
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Almost all of the examples I now see on how to address invitations are totally different from what I was taught in school many years ago. Have the rules changed, or are young people these days making up their own etiquette rules?

I was taught that for a married couple, the correct address would be " Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Jones" and "Mr. and Mrs. Patrick White," not "Mr. Ben and Mrs. Elizabeth Jones" and "Mr. Patrick and Mrs. Taylor White." I was also taught that the male's name came first on the envelope.

Please set the record straight before too many young brides commit a faux pas and look uneducated.

GENTLE READER: Yes, some rules have legitimately changed, and yes, unauthorized people who make up their own rules are often unintentionally offensive. But come to think of it, the old standard that you cite also sends some people into a tizzy.

Miss Manners wishes everyone would just calm down.

There are couples who use the Mr. and Mrs. form you learned (the only one in which the gentleman's title comes first) and they should be so addressed. But there are others who prefer to be addressed more as individuals for various reasons, some of which are eminently sensible, although society used not to recognize them.

All that takes now is one extra line on the envelope:

Dr. Angelina Breakfront

Mr. Rock Moonley

or:

Mr. Oliver Trenchant

Mr. Liam Lotherington

or:

Ms. Norina Hartfort

Mr. Rufus Hartfort

Is that too much effort to ask?
cereta: (foodporn)
[personal profile] cereta
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend is very particular about table manners. She makes a point of leaving a scattering of food on her plate at the end of a meal rather than finishing every crumb as I do.

I know it only amounts to one or two forkfuls, but having traveled extensively in very poor countries, I think this is wasteful and absurd. The plates are also harder to wash. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That she would like to be excused before someone discovers her responsibility in this matter. But that would be cowardly.

The sad truth is that a century ago, it was indeed the case that children in families that could afford it were taught not to finish everything on their plates. The embarrassing part is that the rule was phrased as "Leave something for Miss Manners" (and in England, "Leave something for Lady Manners").

So yes, while some people were starving, others were wasting food. Miss Manners was not starving, because she got all the rich folks' leftovers.

It was Eleanor Roosevelt's grandmother who repealed this rule. As recounted in Mrs. Roosevelt's "Book of Common Sense Etiquette": "My grandmother came to believe that food was needed in the world and we who had an abundance should not waste it."

Miss Manners agrees -- thoroughly and, as you might notice, selflessly.
cereta: Lacey and Wendy (Lacey and Wendy)
[personal profile] cereta
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece has asked me for ideas for a baby shower she wants to give for her expecting daughter. I don't know how to respond without hurting her feelings. How can I gently tell her it's not proper for a mother to give a shower for her own daughter?

GENTLE READER: When you find out, please tell Miss Manners. She has been pointing this out for years, and it doesn't seem to help.

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