agonyaunt | Recent Entries

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I can’t agree on something our 11-year-old daughter “Shelby” wants to be allowed to do.

Shelby tried some coffee with sugar and creamer when she was at a friend’s house for a sleepover and really liked it. Now she wants to drink it at home. My husband and I drink it ourselves, but I think she’s too young for it, while my husband thinks it would be fine so long as it’s in small amounts. Who’s right?

—Coffee Clash

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: My husband’s son and his new wife came to visit us last Thanksgiving. They live far away, and this is their annual visit. While they were here, their No. 1 priority was to watch EVERY football game on television. My husband watched with them, in part because he also likes football and in part because he wants to spend time with them. I understand.

The problem is, I do not like football or sports or even television. There were a few times when I asked if anyone wanted to accompany me on a walk or a trip to the grocery, but nobody wanted to because they were watching football. I chose to listen to an audiobook in my room. I was not angry that they chose to do what they enjoy, and I don’t think I acted upset or disappointed. At other times, I hung out with the group, we went out to eat, etc.

My husband recently visited his son and wife, and my not participating in the family football-watching came up. They indicated that my not being in the room with everyone was rude, or at least unfriendly. This will come up again this Thanksgiving, and my husband has asked that I join them. Because of vision loss, I really can’t read while they watch television unless I wear headphones. My husband and I agree that would also be perceived as rude. Do I really need to sit and watch them watch football? I do like both stepson and his wife and want to have a relationship with them.

— Sidelined

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ysobel

From Carolyn Hax's chat:

How do you know if someone is a narcissist versus someone who is just self-centered?

Carolyn Hax:

Self-centered will walk by you like you're furniture.

Narcissist will see you as furniture, put you in their room, have you reupholstered in a color that's more flattering with their skin tone, then break you and dump you in an alley and blame the upholsterer for doing it wrong even though you came out exactly as ordered.

conuly

( And she treats LW pretty badly )

conuly

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

My older sister, “Lana,” died of heart failure as a direct result of serious mental illness at 20. I still miss her. My parents deal with their grief and complicated feelings about her death by refusing to talk about her, ever. They both angrily leave any conversation if her name comes up. With people who didn’t know her, they pretend they only ever had my brother and me—that Lana never existed. I’ve always hated this, but I left it alone.

Now I have a daughter of my own, and I want to share my memories of my big sister with her in an age-appropriate way. How do I talk about this with a toddler? I have lots of good memories to share, even though Lana was sick for most of her short life. Still, I don’t want to erase the fact that she was very ill. Also, my parents are the ones who have all the childhood photos of her (if they even still exist). By the time I was old enough to have a phone of my own, she was very sick and hated to have her picture taken. She barely had a social media presence, especially as she got sicker. So all I have is a handful of unhappy photos of her in the late stages of anorexia, which are deeply painful to look at. They’re important to me, but not for sharing with a 3-year-old. I want access to photos of very young Lana, but my parents won’t even let me ask. How do I handle this?

—Keeping the Memory of My Sister Alive

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2. Dear Prudence,

When I was 22, my mom and stepdad pressured me to take on my 15-year-old half-brother “for a while” since tensions with the other siblings were really bad at home. “Caleb” had anger issues, started drinking early, and was getting in trouble a lot. I think they hoped that he would listen to me, although we’d never been close. At the time, I thought this was a lot to ask, but now that I’m an actual parent, I realize that it was totally nuts.

I refused: I didn’t want to be his mom. I wasn’t equipped, and he was tough to be around even as a sibling. Tragically, Caleb died driving drunk at 16, and he never got to grow into an adult. My mom and stepdad had very complicated grief about this, and probably always will. I’m sad for the person he never got to become, but he was complicated during the time I knew him.

It’s been a long time, and I’m married with two kids of my own. When our son was born last year, my mom asked me if “being a parent made me finally feel the guilt of letting Caleb down.” I had no idea how to respond: I don’t see it that way! I wasn’t Caleb’s parent, and I don’t think moving in with me would have helped him. It’s sad, but I wasn’t responsible for him and didn’t have the tools to help if I’d wanted to. As our son gets older, my mom’s been talking about Caleb more often, and it’s clear she holds me at least partially responsible for his death. I have no idea what to do with this: I don’t feel guilty, but maybe I should? I feel like she needs therapy, but maybe it’s actually me?

—Not Caleb’s Keeper

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3. Dear Care and Feeding,

In the past five years, my son, who turned 16 last month, has lost his dad and all four grandparents. He was 11 when his dad passed—a sudden and shocking loss. Shortly after that, we went to visit my parents, whom my son adored, and on the second day of that visit, my dad unexpectedly experienced a heart attack and died. The most recent loss, last month, was of my mom, who was one of the most important people in my son’s life.

He never speaks of any of the people he’s lost. If his sister or I mention his father or any of his grandparents, he becomes visibly uncomfortable. He doesn’t ask us not to talk about them or in any other way draw attention to his discomfort with the conversation, but I can see it.

When his dad died, I found him a counselor. After several months, she told me that he just wasn’t able to open up to her and to give him time. So I did. We tried again about a year later—same result. We tried again with a different counselor—same result. He doesn’t want counseling, he says, and he’s asked me not to try again, so I haven’t.

He has never talked to his sister or me about any of these losses or how he feels about them. We’re alone, the three of us, with no other family within 1,000 miles. My son has friends, but no one he could talk to about grief, I’m sure. I don’t know whether I should be respecting his desire for silence, or pushing him to talk. He insists he’s fine. What should I do?

—He Says He’s Fine

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conuly

1. DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is dating a man who is 17 years older than her, and I am livid. I told her that neither of them is likely in the relationship for honest reasons as he is a wealthy man and she is in her mid-20s.

I don't want to meet this man, but my daughter wants me to. She insists that I am judging their relationship before I've even given him a chance. She says he treats her with kindness and respect, supports her goals and makes her happy. She keeps telling me that she's an adult and is capable of making her own decisions, but I can't get past the age difference and the imbalance in life experience and finances. I worry that someone his age should be looking for a partner closer to his own stage in life, not someone young enough to be his daughter.

Whenever I try to express my concerns, my daughter accuses me of being close-minded and says I'm letting stereotypes cloud my judgment. She says I should be happy that she has found someone who is successful, stable and committed to her. Am I being unreasonable by not supporting my daughter's relationship with an older man? -- Older Man

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2. Dear Prudence,

My sister and I attend the same college and are very close in age. We’ve had some growing pains around establishing our own circles/identities since I came to school, but things have mostly settled as we’re spending the summer working/studying away from home.

I’m writing because over this past school year, our older cousin (10+ year age gap) has treated my sister to fancy dinners and experiences in a big city near our school. She reassured me that she everything was normal and she was just having fun. Not so, Prudie!

She recently shared with me that she does have feelings for him—they confessed their love during her last visit! I was disgusted, and being headstrong and not accustomed to male attention, she replied that she wouldn’t entertain my opinion if it wasn’t supportive. Later, our mother told me to keep an “open mind” about the cousin thing/age gap and, when I didn’t budge, to keep my opinion to myself for the sake of our family. Cousin marriage is culturally ingrained around here, but our extended family have all immigrated here and are fairly progressive. I suspect our father, who was estranged when we were younger, and much of our family would oppose the relationship, but they don’t even know. Our mother, for her part, hopes my sister will come to her own sense sans any intervention, and is upset that I’ve lost respect for her because the changes to our sisterly dynamic from my freshman year have “put enough pressure on her.” I’m still young and financially dependent, so as much as I want to scream, cry, and vomit, I can’t afford to blow things up. She could pick literally anyone else that’s not her cousin and is her age! What to do?

—Sweet Home Alabama

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3. Dear Carolyn: My son is in a serious relationship with a woman who is, in my opinion, very rude. But she probably thinks I’m uptight; we have had words over whether it’s okay to have her stomach showing in public and her forgetting to say “thank you” after I treated them to an expensive dinner. When is it appropriate for me to insist on correct behavior, and what things do I have to just let go?
— Insisting

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conuly

My husband, “Jared,” and I each brought a child into the relationship. I have a 13-year-old daughter, “Melanie,” and Jared has a 9-year-old daughter, “Chrissy.” Now we’re at an impasse over Chrissy’s chihuahua, “Nacho.”

Nacho lives with Chrissy’s mom. Or did. Recently my stepdaughter’s mom got priced out of her rental, and the place she moved to doesn’t allow dogs. I reluctantly agreed to let Nacho move in with us so Chrissy wouldn’t lose her dog. The trouble is that Nacho hates Melanie. He barks at her constantly and from day one attacked her legs. She now has to wear soccer shin guards around the house when Nacho isn’t contained. I’ve tried to be patient and we have tried to get Nacho trained, but nothing works.

Now Melanie’s dad is saying either the dog goes or Melanie comes to live with him full-time. Since Nacho moved in, Melanie has been spending most of her time in her room. I don’t think she should have to choose between being a prisoner in her own home or leaving all together. My husband says it would be “cruel” to make Chrissy give up her dog and it’s just a matter of finding the right training program for him. Jared even has Chrissy working on me and Melanie pleading for Nacho to stay. What can be done?

—Dog Problem

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter, “Tamara,” and her husband are applying that idiotic “gentle parenting” approach to raising their 3-year-old son, “Max,” and it is turning him into a monster. He won’t listen to anything they or anyone else tells him to do. Max has been kicked out of three daycares, and they have even lost friendships and not been invited to family events because Max is an uncontrollable tornado.

A few weeks ago, my son-in-law fell from a ladder and broke his leg. Tamara had my husband and me watch Max while she stayed with her husband while he was in the hospital for a couple of days. Predictably, Max wouldn’t follow rules or eat what he was told (he pulled the cat’s tail and demanded ice cream for dinner). We put him in time out and walked him back every time he got up. Eventually he stopped, and we let him scream it out until he ate what he was given.

But as soon as Tamara picked him up, he said we had been “mean” to him. When I explained to my daughter that we had set normal boundaries for Max and what they consisted of, she blew up and accused her dad and me of “traumatizing” him. Now she says we won’t be seeing Max until we apologize to him. I’m not willing to bow to her emotional blackmail. My husband, on the other hand, says we should just do a fake apology because Tamara is capable of holding a grudge until the end of time. Please tell me I’m right.

—Not Giving in to a Tiny Terror

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magid

From yesterday’s NYTimes Social Q’s column (2nd at the gift link), posted because OMG, this is such a nothingburger (plus there’s at least one very old tradition that does this (Jewish)).

Our daughter is getting married next year, and I have long envisioned myself the proud father walking her down the aisle. But she says that she wants both me and her mother, my wife of 40 years, to walk with her. It’s been at least 20 years since I went to a wedding, but her request seems wrong to me, and I feel disappointed and hurt. Should I tell her?

FATHER OF THE BRIDE

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magid

(5th letter at Ask A Manager)

A very low-stakes question: am I obligated to scare birds away from a coworker’s car?

The birds in the area around my office are strangely fascinated by a coworker’s car. Various birds like to perch in the tree hanging over my coworker’s spot, which means his car almost always has bird poop on it. I’ve seen a number of birds (usually younger ones) walking along the top of my coworker’s car and seemingly intentionally slide down parts of it. Sometimes they start pecking at the body, which has left a number of small dents and chips on the hood and top. More than once, I’ve seen local parrots perch on the car and try to tear off the windshield wipers or the rubber bits around the windows, something I’ve never seen one do before.

On the one hand, I like watching birds. On the other hand, I know my coworker is upset by the constant damage and bird poop. The car is fairly expensive and my coworker complains about having to constantly clean and repair it. On the third hand, I don’t really care for this coworker and get a mild thrill every time I see big birds walking across the hood of his car.

Should I start trying to scare away the birds when I see them?

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magid

(First question at this AAM post)

My coworker made her daughter go through our dumpster to find a lost retainer

I work at a company that, among other things, runs summer programs for kids. Some employees have kids who attend these programs. One of my coworkers, “Zoe,” has a 12-year-old daughter who is enrolled, “Carrie,” who seems like a really sweet kid. A few times now, Carrie has apparently taken out her retainer at lunch, wrapped it in a napkin while she eats, and then forgotten it’s there, so she has ended up throwing it away with the rest of her trash. Each time this has happened, Zoe has made Carrie come back to our site later that day to go through the trash dumpster to find the retainer. The sight of this girl forced to sit in a dumpster of trash and dig through other people’s leftover spaghetti and used tissues and whatever else is in the trash really bothers me — it seems cruel and humiliating. This is happening in front of a bunch of Zoe’s coworkers, and as far as I know no one has said anything to her about it.

I don’t want to tell Zoe how to raise her child, but I know I was a sensitive kid who would have been really bothered by this. Would I be out of line to mention that to her and suggest that she find a different way of handling it?

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: My son and I have been estranged for three years. He wants nothing more to do with me. I do not expect to see him ever again. However, I still have items of his. Do I pack up the items and have them dropped off, or what? I'm not sure what to do. -- EX-MOTHER IN ARIZONA

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 48 years recently died, and my stepson put some artificial flowers on her grave. I was surprised to see this when I visited on the eight-month anniversary of her death. Both my wife and I always considered artificial flowers tacky and not appropriate for cemeteries, even though lots of people decorate gravesites with them.

I haven't said anything to him about my feelings about plastic flowers, but I would like to prevent more of them from being placed when these fade away. How can I ask him to not put any more plastic flowers on the grave, or should I just ignore it? I'm less likely to visit her grave when these flowers are there. -- MOURNING IN ALABAMA

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conuly

Dear Annie: I'm 37 and the oldest of four siblings. We lost our mother to cancer 15 months ago, and then about a month ago, our father died very unexpectedly at 60. We never expected to be orphans this young, and the whole thing has been a shock for us.

But we were in for an even bigger shock. After Mom died, Dad apparently rewrote their will. We always assumed any inheritance would be evenly distributed four ways. As the lawyer went over the will with us, he said, "This will likely surprise and upset you." The inheritance is divided FIVE ways!

The fifth person is someone we've never heard of. Unbeknownst to any of us, when my father was my age, he started a relationship with a 20-year-old man. This has continued for the last 23 years.

We were stunned. Nothing about our father ever indicated anything close to bisexuality, and our parents' marriage seemed so good that it's unfathomable to think he cheated on Mom for all these years. I met the man, and he has photos to verify that this is all true.

I'm willing to let the will stand as is. Each of us will receive more money than we ever dreamed we would; that's not the issue. But my siblings don't like the idea that a person who had a relationship with our dad, knowing he was married, would inherit anything. They want to contest the will. I'm afraid that will only draw attention to the whole sordid situation, and other people will become aware of it.

What would you do? Let the will stand as is or contest it? -- The Oldest and Outnumbered

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magid

(3rd of 4 at the gift link)

I have had depression for most of my life, and I have shared my struggles with my brother in many phone calls over the years. Recently, I heard laughter in the background, and I asked him if I was on speakerphone. He told me that I am always on speakerphone — that his family likes to listen to see if I will say something stupid. That pretty much ended our phone calls. When I tried to elicit an apology from him, he said I was overreacting. Still, I miss the feeling of closeness I had with him. Thoughts?

BROTHER

It’s so disappointing when people are needlessly cruel. I hope that when you asked your brother for an apology, you explained how hurtful it was to learn that he had violated your privacy for laughs. I’m afraid that whatever sense of closeness you felt was not truly reciprocated. You may want to consider a different kind of relationship with your brother. But I would save your confidences for someone more compassionate.

gingicat

Not an agonyaunt column, from real life as represented by the AANE listserv for parents of autistic adults.

Subject: [AANE PoA Online Forum] Thank you and farewell

Dear group,
Thank you so much for your support and forthrightness. My ASD 40 yr old has chosen "no contact", the alienation and estrangement trend that is sweeping the globe. It has been almost 3 years now and she refuses to share any information or accept support, denying accèss to my grandchildren, and with no warning or justification. I suspect there are many factors contributing to this, including undiagnosed mental conditions, internet influence. But all of my focus now goes to understanding, compassion and taking care of my own wellbeing.
I am extremely grateful for the information and support I have found here in this group. I wish you all strength and continuing hope and dedication.

With LOVE,
N--

I will be exiting this group shortly.

I looked back through her posts and she did a lot of boundary-stomping on her daughter. Unsurprisingly, her grandchildren are also autistic.

One reply so far:
N--My son has also chosen to be estranged from me. I know it doesn't help alleviate your grief, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Best wishes,
J--

Edit 8/6/26: I waffled between posting issendai's essay and saying nothing, but no-one else had responded as of today, so I didn't.

conuly

DEAR ABBY: I have just retired and want to spend the summer taking a long road trip from Florida to Alaska and back. I've dreamed about it all my life and finally have the time and money to do it.

My husband hates long road trips, and I don't want to take him. He would be miserable and make me miserable in the process. Further, he has a list of demands -- no more than six hours of driving per day, a nice hotel every night rather than camping out, which I prefer, and leasing a gas-guzzling SUV rather than my energy-efficient midsized car -- that would triple the amount of time and money this will cost. I suspect some or all of his demands are passive-aggressive because he really doesn't want the trip to happen.

I understand my husband not wanting to sit at home alone for six weeks while I enjoy myself photographing bears, moose and elk in the Yukon Territory, and I do worry about his ability to take care of himself and the house. Honestly, though, I'm not sure our marriage could survive this trip. I'm seriously considering just sneaking out the door and sending him postcards. Any ideas? -- SOLO TRAVELER

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conuly

Dear Eric: I grew up in a silent household. I was a shamed, rejected kid and learned not to speak. One sister was the beautiful favorite. My brother and I were shamed, and we feared our father.

Our divorced mom apparently stole and kept some of my childhood journals. She put them in her desk. When we cleared out mom's home after she died, the beautiful, cherished sister took the desk. I have been told that my journals have been great entertainment for my sister, her kids and for my now-deceased dad's widow.

I can't even remember what I wrote. I know I did not learn to be comfortable speaking to people until someone in college pointed out that I never spoke. I started copying others who had better social skills. I learned social skills that way.

I want the journals back, but is it too late? I feel ashamed to even ask. I am embarrassed that I am the family joke. I know when I ask it will cause my sister to laugh out loud. Also, I loved my deceased mom, and I am angry that she stole my journals. It kind of ruined my love for the only person who showed love for me. She set me up to be the family joke.

I'm thinking about asking for my journals back, but I feel so ashamed. Should I? It's too late now, right?

– Embarrassed Adult Child

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conuly

Dear Eric: I am a "third grandma" in a family with several stepchildren and now their grandchildren. The problem is with my daughter-in-law's parents, both of whom are lovely but annoying.

The kids have bonded with them which is great. But her mother is almost always at their house and interferes with any attempts by their other grandfather or by me to likewise bond. We babysit but only after both kids are in bed. I ask them to our house, but the 20-minute trip is a hassle.

They do come to swim in my pool, but most often bring grandma number one. Especially if it's a holiday or event, I will invite my stepson and daughter-in-law, and she will tell me she is bringing her mom. And later her dad. The kids are clingy and there are too many adults for them to get to know.

I have largely given up, and nobody notices. But my partner’s son is sad his own father is also less involved but doesn't see the cause. My whole career was with kids; I was a single parent; my partner was and is very close to his son. We are in general "good with kids.”

I want both of us to bond with the grandchildren and I don't want to entertain other guests. Do other families routinely include their own child's in-laws in their private family activities?

– Third Grandma

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conuly

Dear Annie: My husband and I have one daughter, and family has always been important to us. She has several cousins around her age, and we've always hoped they would grow up close. Over the years, we've been the ones reaching out to make plans, but the effort is rarely reciprocated.

I don't believe anyone is intentionally trying to hurt our daughter. It simply feels as though she's an afterthought. She often isn't included in birthday parties or family get-togethers, and when relatives gather nearby, no one thinks to invite her.

Recently, several of her cousins spent time together just minutes from our home. Our daughter happened to see them, and it broke her heart. She came home asking why she wasn't invited. As a parent, it's heartbreaking to watch your child feel forgotten, even when no one meant to hurt her. We understand families have their own dynamics and that people don't always think to include everyone. We don't want to intrude, but it's still hard not to feel hurt.

I've realized I can't control how close other people choose to be, but I can control what I expose my daughter to. At some point, continuing to show up hoping things will be different starts to feel like I'm asking her to keep risking disappointment. As she gets older, I don't want her growing up wondering why she's never included or feeling like she has to earn a place in her own family. I want her to be able to accept things as they are and make peace with it, not grow resentful.

If our relatives ask why we're no longer attending every holiday or gathering, I want to answer honestly but without anger or blame. I simply want them to understand that I'm choosing to protect my daughter's heart.

How do I explain that sometimes the healthiest thing a parent can do is stop putting their child in situations where they consistently feel overlooked? At what point do you stop chasing relationships that only seem to matter to one side? How do I set that boundary with kindness while making it clear that my daughter's emotional well-being has to come first? -- Worried Mom in the Middle of the Mitten

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conuly

Dear Eric: My 43-year-old sister is completely obsessed with Halloween. Her condo is fully decorated year-round with scary animatronics, she wears Halloween knee socks and shirts every single day, and horror movies are her only topic of conversation.

Our concern grew recently when she wore full Halloween apparel to her nephews' fourth and second birthday parties. She even brought a Michael Myers purse, which we felt was highly inappropriate and frightening for toddlers. She seems completely unable to turn the theme "off," even for major family milestones that focus on young children.

When our family gently tried to talk to her about this lifestyle, she got incredibly defensive, started crying and said nobody likes who she is or lets her be herself. It breaks my heart to see her hurt, but extended family and outsiders frequently judge her and think she is "weird."

I love my sister and don’t want her to feel isolated. Do we just let her be herself and ignore the critics, or is this extreme obsession a sign of a deeper issue we should address? How do I support her without pushing her away?

– Pumpkin Spice Sibling

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katiedid717

My wife and I are the queer mothers of a baby. We would like some zingers to use for the surprising number of people who say stupid things to us — for instance, “What are your mom names?” (We’re both Mom, duh!) We are friends with our sperm donor, and sometimes people refer to him as our baby’s “dad,” which is also annoying. And many women feel the need to tell us that they would never allow their boyfriends to donate sperm. (Got it! We won’t ask for any.) I wish that these things didn’t annoy us, but they do. And we’d like to experiment with comebacks. What have you got?

MOM

Congratulations on the baby! Over my long gay life, I have known dozens of gay and lesbian parents, and in every case, their children used different names for each parent to distinguish between them: Mom and Mama, Daddy and Pop, and my favorite, Mommy and Pom-Pom. Your baby may not be talking yet, but when that day comes, I doubt your child will use the same name for the two most important people in his or her life. Besides, it’s such an innocuous question: Why clap back?

Don’t misunderstand me: You have no responsibility to educate other people about the mechanics of your family life. And I understand that muddled vocabularies (“dad” versus “donor”) and unsolicited feedback about family planning might get annoying. But these people wouldn’t know anything about your sperm donor if you hadn’t told them.

My feeling is that zingers are not the solution here. (I used to think they were!) But it so often feels as if there are only two camps these days: steadfast allies and sworn enemies. Slapping down nice people for clueless errors may look like fun, but there is often a bitter aftertaste, in my experience. Better to help people who are trying to understand and ignore the rest. In the absence of ill will, just focus on your wonderful family.

Link that skips the paywall

conuly

Column one

Column two

1. DEAR ABBY: Our nephew "Conrad" is engaged to be married soon. For several reasons, we are unable to attend the wedding. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't hesitate to send a generous gift as I have for our other nieces and nephews. However, Conrad is not normal. He doesn't speak to me, my husband or our children, two of whom are his age. We have never done anything to offend him, as far as I know, and it's not just our family. He also ignores other specific family members.

Conrad's mother describes him as "the kindest" and "most loving" person. However, we have never seen that side of him. We have witnessed only narcissism and rudeness. He speaks only to those he thinks elevate his status or make him look good in some way. If, according to Conrad, we do not exist, are we still obligated to send a wedding gift? -- INVISIBLE IN THE SOUTHERN PLAINS

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2. DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years. For the first three years, I tried to get closer to my in-laws but was told I wasn't welcome. I knew they didn't like me, but I tried my hardest to win them over because family is important to me. In the end, I was asked to leave their house. My husband was on my side, but I realized I couldn't separate him from his family. So, for seven years he's had the support of his family and mine.

One of his siblings is now sick, and it's looking grim. I do not feel my presence is required at the funeral as no one in his family likes me. Am I wrong? Anytime I run into his family, they are confrontational. -- STAYING AWAY IN ILLINOIS

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3. DEAR ABBY: Two of our children are planning a European vacation with their families. My wife is upset because they didn't invite her and stated bluntly that she's not welcome to join them. How can we convince her not to take their decision personally? -- MAYBE NEXT TIME IN MASSACHUSETTS

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4. DEAR ABBY: My husband has a twin brother and a younger brother. After I met his family, it became clear that his parents openly favor his twin, "Kaden." Based on childhood stories my husband and other family members told me, his parents have spent most of their time, energy and money on Kaden. Previously, it made sense. Kaden had health problems as a child and required extra care. But now, although he's a healthy adult in his mid-30s, the situation hasn't changed.

Some examples: During his speech at our wedding, my father-in-law asked the room to toast to Kaden's various achievements instead of toasting my husband and me! My in-laws cancel visits to us because Kaden decided to visit them at exactly the same time. They have planned their vacations based on places Kaden thinks they should visit. Speaking to them on the phone is infuriating since most of the conversation is about what's going on with Kaden.

I don't speak to my husband about it often because he gets angry when I bring it up, and their younger brother just shrugs it off as how things have always been. Kaden and his spouse are now trying to have a baby, and my husband is asking that we start trying, too.

Abby, I'm hesitant. I believe it's important kids grow up with the love and support of grandparents. But based on their behavior for the last 30 years, I'm afraid that if both of us have children, his parents will continue this favoritism toward Kaden's family.

I am anxious about his parents forgetting our kids' birthdays or not wanting to visit them. I'm loath to put my children into that situation and am considering refusing my husband's request, whatever it may mean for our relationship. Am I being unreasonable? -- UNFAVORITE IN THE WEST

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Carolyn: My wife is never on time for any event, including our own children’s weddings. I have tried everything possible, including going to events separately, but nothing has worked. She is extremely careless and carefree, has insecurities beyond comprehension. We have been married for a long time, but I am now at a loss as to what to do.
— Frustrated

( Read more... )

conuly

1. Dear Annie: I am the person everyone in my family calls when they need something. I babysit, drive relatives to appointments, host holidays and lend money when someone is in a bind. I rarely complain because I love my family and want to be helpful.

A few weeks ago, my sister called me in a panic because her babysitter canceled before an important work dinner. I had already made plans with a friend, but I canceled them and drove 40 minutes to watch her children. I stayed until nearly midnight and even cleaned up the kitchen before I left.

Not long afterward, I had a medical procedure and needed someone to drive me home. When I asked my sister, she said she had too much going on and suggested I call a car service. Two days later, she asked if I could babysit again so she and her husband could go out to dinner.

That moment really hurt. I realized that my family may not see me as a person with needs of my own. They see me as the reliable one who will always say yes. I have started turning down a few requests, and now everyone says I am acting selfish and "not like myself." I do not want to become bitter or damage my relationships, but I am exhausted from always being the giver.

How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty, and how can I tell whether my family truly values me or simply values what I do for them? -- Tired of Being a Safety Net

( Read more... )

***************

2. Dear Annie: My younger sister has always been the "fun one" in our family. She breezes in late with a bottle of wine and a funny story, and somehow everyone forgives her before she has even taken off her coat. She forgets birthdays, cancels plans at the last minute and borrows money she never seems to pay back. My parents still smile and say, "That's just how she is."

I, on the other hand, have become the family's unpaid manager. I am the one who takes my mother to her doctor's appointments, makes sure my father's prescriptions are filled, hosts Thanksgiving and remembers who needs gluten-free stuffing. Last Christmas, my sister showed up two hours late with no gifts for anyone and was treated like the life of the party. I had been cooking for two days and barely got a thank-you.

The final straw came when my mother fell recently. I was the one who spent six hours in the emergency room with her. My sister posted a sweet photo of Mom on Facebook and got dozens of comments about what a devoted daughter she is.

I know I sound resentful, and maybe I am. I love my family, but I am exhausted from being reliable while my sister gets applause for showing up. How do I step back without looking selfish? -- The Dependable Daughter

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Eric: I’m going to college out of state in the fall. My boyfriend was supposed to go to the same school as me but now it looks like he’s going to have to defer because of money. We’ve been together all through high school. Now he’s telling me he wants me to defer, too, so we can be together.

He’s being nice about it, but he says it really bothers him that we’d be so far apart. The school is a six-hour drive away and driving seems like the best way to see each other since I can’t afford to fly back and forth. It’s really making him depressed, and I don’t like seeing him that way.

I care about him so much, but I have really been looking forward to starting college and trying something new. I worked really hard in high school. Not that he didn’t. It’s just not fair.

He says he’s going to get a job here and he said maybe we could get an apartment together. That sounds fun but it’s not what I want. Can you tell me what to do?

– To Stay or Go

( Read more... )

conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter just told me she's spent thousands of dollars on a matchmaker to help her with her love life. I can't seem to understand why she would do such a thing. My daughter is beautiful, smart and accomplished. I imagine she should be able to find love for free. When she told me about this, I could barely conceal my shock. I didn't mean to shame her, but I wish she didn't feel that purchasing a service is her only option to find love. She's upset with me and accused me of being archaic. I disagree. I just wonder, if it takes thousands of dollars and a mediator to connect with a stranger, are they really your soulmate? Am I being unreasonable? Perhaps someone can help me understand this concept, because at present my daughter isn't speaking to me. -- Match Made With Money

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Annie: I've been married for 35 years and have four children and seven grandchildren. We are a blended family. All the children lived with, and were raised by, my husband and me.

One of my daughters was always kind of a black sheep, always doing things outside the box. As a young child, teen and adult, she always did it differently. So much so that, as she got older, it actually started to hurt our family and the other children. She moved out in her early 20s, and I thought things would get better, but they just got worse.

Then she came and told us she was pregnant and getting married. Of course, being a mom, I wanted to help her. She was young and not yet financially stable. Fast-forward one year, and she moved back in our home with her husband and our grandchild.

I see now that was a big mistake. My husband and I are now living in a one-bedroom apartment; we had to sell our home because they basically stole it from us. I feel like a fool. How could this have happened?! The last thing she said to us was, "You're dead to me, and I will never speak to either of you again."

How she feels she is in the right boggles my mind. We tried very hard with her. This was really the last straw, and for the sake of the rest of my children and grandchildren, we had to cut her out. This was after she had already cut all of us out -- in person and on all social media accounts.

I feel guilt over all of this -- guilt that I hurt my family, guilt that I wasn't a good mother. I have done so much for her, but it was never enough. Annie, what do I do? I want to heal the rest of my family. There is so much hurt after what she has done, and nothing will ever be the same. -- Looking for a Solution

( Read more... )

conuly

DEAR ABBY: My husband throws a fit over every minor inconvenience, from the trash can being knocked over to the screen door being in his way. He starts yelling and cursing and slamming doors. I don't understand it. When things like this happen to other people, they simply pick up the mess or move the object and go about their day.

I try to help and move stuff around to avoid his fits, but they are inevitable, it seems. I cannot handle the negativity over something so trivial. Our neighbors can hear him, and I'd feel embarrassed, if I were him, to be heard cursing like a child having a tantrum.

How would you advise I handle this situation? I am at my wits' end. I feel as though I will have to live with the yelling and anger forever. -- IN THE LINE OF FIRE

( Read more... )

conuly

DEAR ABBY: I've been a widow for nine years and just got engaged. When I asked my fiance if I could put a picture of my late husband in our new home, he became upset. He said he shouldn't have to walk into his own home and look at pictures of a man who once "had" me.

I have three kids with my late husband. We were high school sweethearts, and I took his death extremely hard. I can't help but think that my fiance is overreacting. I feel he wants me to just erase everything I had with my husband.

My kids will be living with us, too. Should I respect his wishes, or should I stand my ground and make sure my late husband's memory is alive for the sake of my children? -- REMEMBERING IN AMERICAN SAMOA

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Eric: My spouse is unable to say "Oops, sorry." He automatically denies having done the thing or blames me or my son – even if he literally just did it in front of me/us.

It's been an issue for decades. We first went to counseling because he left a shower head pointing at a weird angle, so water got all over the wall and floor when I turned on the shower. He saw me mopping up and asked why, and I matter-of-factly told him he'd left the shower head pointing out of the shower. I expected a "Whoops! Sorry about that." (Which would have resolved everything instantly.)

Instead, he took a snippy tone and asked, "Why didn't you check the position of the shower head before you turned on the water?"

Over the years, this pattern has recurred. Recently, he wasn't flushing the toilet regularly. I asked him nicely not to leave number-twos behind for me to find, and he responded with an aggressive "You don't know that it was me!" (I had just seen him leave the bathroom.)

I have repeatedly tried asking him to remain calm and explaining that this behavior causes me to lose respect for him and that it damages our relationship. I have explained DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to him.

Counselors have in the past put the onus on me to preface any negative feedback with a request that he not rile up. Which works pretty well, assuming I have enough emotional presence of mind to pre-regulate him as I am also regulating myself.

Help! This affects me cumulatively. Every time he does it, I feel angrier.

– “The Divorce Came out of Nowhere"

( Read more... )

magid

A member of my staff has asked that we change their name and their pronouns to they/them. We have done that without question, of course, and have delivered training to colleagues. It is not up for negotiation. We honor this request in our company.

As a part of this, they also have adjusted how they refer to themselves, using “we” rather than “I” and asking us to refer to them as a collective rather than a single being. They base this on identifying with the Internal Family Systems Model and feeling they have multiple personalities within them. They refer to personality traits with names and assign responsibility to these personalities for mood, attitude, and work habits. They DO take responsibility for these things personally and are receptive to feedback—they accept and integrate and work on improving skills. In conversations about issues, though, they refer to that being X person’s influence or that Y just isn’t online today, that sort of thing.

This person is not, as far as I can tell, under the care of a mental health professional.

I am not a psychiatrist. I do not play one on TV. And I am not about to pretend I know what’s going on here from a mental health perspective.

What I do know is that when a person refers to themselves as “we,” the vast majority of people understand that to mean more than one person. And, when the person sometimes speaks on behalf of an company or group (but most times do not) people receiving any “we” will, understandably, assume that person is talking about their whole team, department, or company.

This has obvious impacts. They are on vacation and they’re out of office says, “We are on vacation.” They report about a project and they say “we accomplished X.” They are out sick and so, “We are out of the office today.” Does that mean only they are? Is their entire team out? Is the whole department on vacay? Do we celebrate an accomplishment of one person or the whole team?

It is very important to me that I honor the (be it harmless or legally required) requests of the people around me when it comes to their identities and needs. It costs nothing to be kind!

But, this is having a negative impact on others and I cannot take care of one person’s needs while diminishing another’s.

So, what is the right thing to do here? How can I honor the needs of the team for clarity and understanding?

Do I ask this person to use “I” while honoring their “they?”

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Good Job,

I am a college staff member who works adjacent to a faculty member. He seems to go out of his way to annoy me: He loudly drums on his desk; he asks me to “fetch” office supplies for him; he walks into my office to rummage around for things he needs; he believes (as many faculty seem to do) that staff don’t need to attend training or meetings as part of their work; he insists on interrupting my Zoom meetings; and until another employee intervened, Professor So-and-so would call me at midnight or 6 a.m. to ask questions that he could easily Google.

He really angered me today when I had a sign on my door stating, “I am in a Zoom meeting from 11 a.m. to noon. Please do not disturb.”

He knocked on my door for several minutes. He said, very loudly, “I keep knocking, and I hear her in the office, but she doesn’t answer. Perhaps I should call the police to do a wellness check.” When the other person pointed out the sign, he replied, “She needs to drop what she is doing and do her job. I need her help right now.” What was so urgent? He had a question about something that will happen next week; it could have waited and been sent in an email.

What got my goat, though, was that he told a student to knock on my door. I finally excused myself from the Zoom meeting and opened the door to find a student knocking loudly. I pointed to the sign and said, “Do not disturb. I’m in a meeting.” He said, “It’s OK. Professor So-and-so said I needed to knock really loud until you answered so you would get back to work.”

I’m not sure how to discourage this repeated bad behavior. My boss does nothing. Human resources does nothing. His disrespect is contagious; now several others are also demanding I “get back to work” when I am in a meeting or on my way to a training session. I dread going to work each day. It’s a vacation when this person isn’t in the office.

—Zoom Interrupted

( Read more... )

conuly

I am the eldest of three middle-aged siblings and by far the most stable. Our parents divorced when we were young, and both were neglectful and emotionally abusive. My mother once kicked me out at 17 because her boyfriend told her to choose between him and me. My siblings have always been closer to her, and she has always favored them. In my 30s, I managed to establish a distant but civil relationship with both parents. I see my mother about once every two years and speak to her roughly once a month.

Now in her 80s, my mother is showing signs of Alzheimer’s. Her husband recently told me that if he dies first, I will be responsible for her care. I don’t think I can do it. The thought of having her live with me makes me physically sick. My siblings are unlikely to help. Since that conversation, almost a year ago, I have thought about this every day. What, if anything, do I owe my mother? — Name Withheld

( Read more... )

conuly

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for 10 months. He was married for 45 years until his wife died after a five-year illness. He is kind, thoughtful, smart, generous and romantic. Our relationship is exclusive, and things could hardly be better.

Recently, he and one of his grown daughters and her family gathered for dinner to commemorate his wedding anniversary. I thought it was a little strange. She has been gone for two years, and I found myself feeling somewhat hurt. I wasn't invited to the dinner, which doesn't bother me, but I can't escape the feeling that, on some level, he still feels married. Accordingly, I feel as though I'm dating a married man, which I would never do.

As we are not able to easily work through this, he suggested I write you and get your take. Am I being unreasonable and reading too much into this? Is it possible that he is not yet ready for a new relationship? Should I request (or insist) that he refrain from such "celebrations" in the future? -- NOT A CHEATER IN INDIANA

( Read more... )

conuly

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced father of a 27-year-old daughter. I recently found out she is being married in four months. Of course, I couldn't be happier.

I told my daughter that although I am not rich by any means, I would be glad to chip in what I could for her wedding. When I asked if I could invite a few friends and their spouses, she said I could, but I would have to pay for their plates. I was shocked. What do I do or say? -- DISAPPOINTED DAD IN NEW JERSEY

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katiedid717

I am a teenager who was recently diagnosed with autism after years of struggle. It has been life-changing for me and so helpful. I strongly suspect that my best friend has autism, too. She shares many of the traits that factored into my diagnosis, and she is also struggling. I want to help her, but I worry that it’s not my place to bring it up or that she may react negatively. I’ve told her about my diagnosis, of course, but it was a brief conversation. We speak to each other pretty deeply, so I think I could share my observations with her — but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. Advice?

I’m so pleased that your diagnosis has brought you relief! For many people who are diagnosed later in life — that is to say, not as young children — the realization can often help them to reframe negative or confusing experiences as a result of sensory or social differences. A formal diagnosis can also provide a road map for accommodations at school or at work, as well as connection to specialized therapies and a community of neurodivergent peers. I hope you take advantage of all these opportunities.

Still, I think you are wise to be cautious with your friend. Your autism was most likely identified by a specialist with many years of training and experience — not by a newly diagnosed teenager. Your friend deserves the same quality of care. Now, I absolutely trust that your motivation is to help her, but it is not helpful, in my experience, when lay people make (or suggest) diagnoses that we are not qualified to make. (Shout-out to those who label people “on the spectrum” without any training!)

Two ideas for you: Ask your therapist or the clinician who made your diagnosis for advice about speaking to your friend. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation: Some people might bristle at the suggestion of a neurological disorder. And, generally, sensitive issues are better broached with questions that open doors for people — not with declarations. For instance: “Have you ever wondered if you are on the spectrum?” Then listen to what your friend has to say.

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Licia,” is costing me my relationship with my daughter and grandson, and I don’t know what to do. Licia and our daughter, “Sophia,” have always had a difficult relationship. My wife’s approach to others is, “When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you,” and Sophia has never been one to be bossed around. Once she left for college, she barely came home, although she did speak to me on the phone several times a month. She didn’t even tell us when she got married five years ago. According to her, she didn’t want the stress of dealing with her mother while planning, or at, her wedding.

Sophia and her husband have a son, “Aaron,” who is now almost 4, and she has tried to make a relationship with her mother work for his sake. Two weeks ago, she was over at our house with Aaron.

He was playing in the kitchen; Licia was in the room too, eating grapes. When she dropped one, then picked it up and ate it, Aaron told her his mom said not to eat things that have been on the floor. Licia responded that his mom doesn’t know anything and that he shouldn’t listen to her. It turned out that Sophia was just outside the kitchen and heard what her mother said about her. She took Aaron and left.

Sophia’s husband has been contemplating a transfer to another state for his job, but they were on the fence because they wanted to stay close to us so Aaron could see us regularly. Now Sophia says Licia has made the decision for them by “undermining” her to her son. I’ve begged my wife to apologize to Sophia, but she refuses. I am heartsick over the prospect of my daughter moving away and taking my only grandchild with her. How can I get my wife to come to her senses before it’s too late?

—Grieving Grandpa

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old granddaughter comes from a family of high achievers. She has a mental illness and has been in therapy since age 5. Medication has been declined. She has separated from a peer group of high-achieving girls and moved toward a new group of less academic students. She also has quit participating in all outside activities except an afternoon part-time job because she wants to save for a car.

Nothing seems to excite her except work, and she's satisfied with mediocre grades, though she says she has high ambitions. She tells me she's happy the way she is. Something seems very wrong to me, and I worry for her future. Any advice? -- PERPLEXED GRANDPOP IN PENNSYLVANIA

( Read more... )

conuly

1. Dear Sahaj: To make a long story short, my fiancé and I are getting married next month. His sister told him she was planning to hold an event for her baby while she’s in town for our wedding (Jewish baby naming ceremony, kind of like a baptism).

My fiancé told her we’d really prefer she hold it any other weekend. Her baby will be over 1 year old and I don’t trust her to throw the event in a way that’s sensitive to our wedding — she often forgets (or refuses) to consider us and dismisses our concerns. Last year, when my fiancé told her I was sad to be de facto excluded from a family weekend she planned, she told me “it’s not fair to put your disappointment on others.”

Well, she was shocked and hurt by our scheduling request. Sister + her husband tried to guilt trip fiancé solo while he was on a work trip in her city. “You’re taking your anger out on my baby!”, and “it’s just 10 minutes, no big deal.” Then the four of us talked, and they said they wanted to repair this. I acknowledged the hurt feelings but declined to hear more, and I shared what I needed.

Now she’s all “I guess everything I do is wrong!”, “I’ve never experienced hatred like this,” and “I can’t trust [fiancé] anymore!” because we set a boundary, communicated openly with each other about things that involve our wedding and relationship and shared how we feel (like she asked!)

Now, we’re trying to be polite and conserve energy before the wedding, but fiancé’s parents and other sister have been pressuring us to reach out or have another big talk. Fiancé’s family says they’re “close” but it feels suffocating.
Help! I just want to have a healthy, happy marriage and a fun, meaningful wedding weekend. How can we protect these things? My fiancé has gotten a lot better with boundaries, but still ends up super guilty and stressed about how his family reacts to us saying no to them.

— Bride To Be Hoping For Peace

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****

2. Dear Prudence,

My sister “Nina” got married in early April, and she’s still angry over something my boyfriend did during the wedding reception. No, he didn’t get wasted, knock over the wedding cake, or make an unwanted pass at anyone. His crime? He proposed to me on the dance floor. After I accepted, people stopped dancing to briefly congratulate us, and then we all went back to having fun. Nina, however, says I completely “upstaged” her and accused me of trying to ruin her wedding by taking the attention away from her!

Now my sister is demanding that I apologize and says she won’t speak to me until I do. She’s even dragged our mom into the act, and now my mom is on my case about it, too. I honestly had no idea my boyfriend was planning to propose to me at her wedding; it was just a pleasant surprise. My boyfriend says I have nothing to apologize for, and my mom and sister are completely out of line. I agree with him, but a part of me wonders if I should just give Nina a fake apology to restore peace in the family. Good idea, or should I stand my ground?

—Proposal Petulence

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conuly

1. DEAR ABBY: For years, my only daughter and I got along pretty well. Then she stopped visiting or speaking to us, meaning we didn't see our grandchildren or my son-in-law. That went on for six to eight years. Suddenly, she has responded on Facebook but refuses to tell me what the problem was.

When you don't communicate with somebody for this long, it's difficult because so much has happened in the interim that conversations are now as if I'm speaking to a stranger. I deeply resent this, though I pretend I'm fine because if I don't, all communication will cease again.

As I near the end of my life, I don't want her to know or come to my "deathbed" (whenever that might be) because the only thing I'm going to want to know is "why," and she will never tell me. It interfered with my relationship with my three granddaughters, so I don't want to see her.

I truly feel if she didn't want any part of me all these years, she shouldn't bother paying lip service now. When that time comes, I only want to be around people who truly loved and cared about me. I can't get my son and my best friend to understand that when the time comes, I just want peace. How can I? -- WEARY IN WASHINGTON

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*****

2. DEAR ABBY: After the last presidential election, my daughter, "Cindy," whom I love with all my heart, turned against me.

Cindy started rebelling when she was a teenager. Our relationship was rocky for some time, but I never stopped loving her. Once she matured, our relationship became much better, so I was shocked when she turned on me in such a vicious way.

She began making up stories about how I had abused her as a child -- absolute lies. She also began sending me nasty text messages, calling me names because of my political beliefs and telling me she no longer wants a relationship with me. I don't care what her political beliefs are. I would never be so cruel to her.

It has been a year and a half since we have had any contact. I have tried writing her letters, which I assume she is throwing in the garbage without reading. I can't call her because she blocked my number, and she has also blocked me on all social media. I need advice about how to move forward. -- GOOD MOM IN THE SOUTH

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Eric: I lost my husband two years ago after a long, drawn-out decline. It was a traumatic ending.

Our son, now in his late 40s, was indifferent to his father’s decline. Our son has always been a challenge. Difficult teenage years with lots of poor decisions and rebellious behavior. He did not want to be a part of our family and has adopted other families as his own. He calls other people Mom and Dad, does not call or keep in touch with us. I have accepted his decisions.

We were not bad parents. We provided a solid family life, celebrating birthdays, Christmas and vacations. We had a loving home.

When my son was 13, he started breaking the rules, smoking and selling pot, being disrespectful, skipping school and being embarrassed by us. He was not abused or neglected in any way. He called his father’s life’s work “crap” and diminished us in every way.

Now that my husband has passed, I’m in the process of making a new will. I do not wish to leave my son anything because he has disinherited us. He will be surprised that our estate is larger than he expects. He is very detached and treats me with contempt. Should I leave a letter to explain this or just let the chips fall where they may?

– No Longer Mom

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conuly

He's really more in the job of doling out humor than advice, but sometimes advice just happens.

Paul writes: In my house, we reuse rubber bands from newspapers to seal up food packaging. But my wife insists they must be washed first, or else it’s unsanitary. I say that’s ridiculous. Who’s right?

Hodgman rules: I doubt you’ll have any cross-contamination issues unless you’re using these rubber bands, say, to truss a raw chicken. (P.S.: Don’t.) I, too, wrap old rubber bands around open potato chip bags, and I munch without fear, because you and I are creatures of pure logic. But that doesn’t mean your wife’s aversion isn’t real. Those chips will taste germy to her. Everyone has their “little weirdsies,” a term coined by the NPR correspondent and friend of the court Linda Holmes. These are the small, strange preferences we all have — like refusing to drink “stale” water — that our spouses accept because they’re harmless. Unless it’s truly interfering with her quality of life, leave it alone. Or embrace it. There are weirder ways to spice up a marriage than soaking rubber bands in alcohol together.

petrea_mitchell

Dear Carolyn: My brother is about six months into a new relationship with a guy he really likes and says he can see the relationship heading to marriage. He seems really happy.
I cannot pronounce the new boyfriend’s name. Well, more precisely, I cannot hear the difference. His name is Crag. Evidently, I pronounce it as Craig. I cannot hear the difference. I have tried 9 million times to hear the difference, and I fail every time.

My brother or Crag will say the name, and I repeat it back and it is wrong. This is not for lack of trying. I speak two other languages in addition to English, and I do have some words in other languages that I avoid because I just cannot replicate the sound. Each and every time I say the boyfriend’s name, he corrects me. I will use work-arounds (e.g. are you (plural) going to the game? vs. Are you and Crag going to the game?), and the boyfriend will point out that I’ve just avoided his name. Are you kidding me? Come on.

My brother is my only sibling, and we are very close. I cannot imagine a world in which I don’t get along with or like his boyfriend, but this name thing is really wearing me down.

— Name Game

( Read more... )

magid

( weight-loss )

conuly

Dear Annie: My 15-year-old daughter and I used to be extremely close. She was the kind of child who would climb into the car after school and tell me everything before I even pulled out of the parking lot: who sat with whom at lunch, what her teacher said, which friend was mad at which friend and what song everyone was listening to that week.

Now, I feel like I am living with a very fashionable attorney who cross-examines everything I say.

If I ask how school was, she says, "Fine," in a tone that makes it clear the conversation is over. If I ask whether she has homework, she says I do not trust her. If I remind her to bring a sweatshirt, she tells me I am treating her like a baby. If I say nothing at all, she asks why I am "being weird."

Last week, I made her favorite dinner, hoping we could have a nice evening. She came downstairs wearing headphones, picked at her food and answered every question with one word. When I gently asked if something was wrong, she snapped that I was always "making everything a big deal." Then she went upstairs, closed her door and laughed on FaceTime with her friends for an hour.

The part that stings is that she still seems like herself with everyone else. Her teachers tell me she is polite and funny. Her friends' parents say she is a joy to have over. But at home, I seem to get the eye rolls, the sighs and the door-slamming version of her.

I know teenagers need independence. I know I should not take every mood personally. But I miss my daughter. I miss the girl who used to sit on my bed and tell me long, dramatic stories about nothing. I miss being the person she came to first, not the person she pushes away.

I do not want to smother her, lecture her or turn every conversation into a battle. But I also do not want to give up trying to connect. How do I stay close to a teenager who acts like my love is an inconvenience? -- Missing My Little Girl

( Read more... )

conuly

1. Dear Annie: My 19-year-old daughter -- she'll be 20 in July -- is a sophomore at Charleston College. She came home for spring break and informed my husband and me that she had found her soul mate at Charleston, and they plan to marry this summer. He's 24 and a graduate student teaching English.

She wants to go back to school in the fall as husband and wife. How they plan to support themselves we have no idea. Should we try to talk her out if it? We've already told her we think it's a mistake. -- Disapproving

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***********

2. Dear Annie: I was doing some spring cleaning and found some receipts in the pockets of one of my husband's sports coats for some large purchases for his sports memorabilia collection, to the tune of $5,000 to $20,000 each. I was in shock. I don't have a problem with supporting him and his hobbies, but he should have discussed it with me first, correct? What should I do? -- Dumbfounded

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a strict no-sugar policy for my two kids, “Tiffany,” 4, and “Tyson,” 6 outside of special occasions. The trouble is that my husband’s parents have been violating it. They watch our kids along with their cousins (3 and 5) while we all work during the week. I recently learned that my in-laws take the kids out for ice cream on Mondays and Fridays in addition to allowing graham crackers as snacks. I am furious that they would breach my trust like this. My husband is no help; he says that it’s a small price to pay for free childcare and that he and his siblings grew up eating treats and they turned out fine. I say they need to adhere to my rules. Please tell me I’m right.

—Scandal

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conuly

Dear Prudence,

My daughter, “Sarah,” is 28. She is independent and lives about six hours away with a roommate and her dog. She tells me she’s generally happy, though sometimes a bit lonely, and tends to stay home when she’s not working.

I’m concerned about her health and overall well-being. Sarah is significantly overweight, and although she says she’s happy as she is, I worry that her weight may be affecting important areas of her life—her health, her career, and her relationships. She struggles with depression and takes antidepressants, but has resisted therapy. She also has some medical issues that may be related to her weight, though I no longer have full visibility into her health.

She is a beautiful person, yet she doesn’t date. It’s not for lack of interest. She has shared that she would like a relationship, but isn’t being asked out. Professionally, she has been in her field for six years without advancement and is currently working part-time, even though full-time roles are available. I can’t help but wonder whether bias against heavier individuals may be playing a role. I’ve always tried to model healthy habits. I’ve had my own health struggles in recent years and gained weight, but I’ve since lost 30 pounds through exercise and medication, which has significantly improved both my health and self-confidence. I’ve gently suggested she explore similar options, but she’s not interested.

I understand that she is an adult and that ultimately these decisions are hers. Still, it’s very hard to watch from the sidelines as I worry about her long-term health and happiness. Each time I visit, she seems to have gained more weight, and I’m afraid of the path this could lead her down. I don’t want to damage our relationship by pushing too hard, but I also don’t want to ignore something that feels so serious. Is there any constructive way I can support her, or is stepping back truly the best I can do?

—A Concerned Mother

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katiedid717

I have been sober for one year after many decades of heavy drinking. By now, I am somewhat comfortable being around others when they drink. I also enjoy entertaining friends in my apartment, but I no longer maintain a well-stocked bar, nor do I wish to. So, what should I do about dinner parties? I want to be a gracious host, but I don’t want to offer a full range of alcoholic beverages to my guests. Should I ask them in advance what they want to drink and stock it? (That seems a bit intense.) Should I buy a bottle each of red and white wine and hope that suffices? (That seems stingy.) Or should I tell my guests that dinner is a “bring your own bottle” occasion? (That seems ungenerous.) Help!

SOBER

First, let me commend you on your sobriety. Making meaningful and positive change after decades of habitual behavior is a big achievement. Well done! So, making note of your phrase (you write that you are “somewhat comfortable” being around drinking), and keeping the relative stakes in mind — protecting your sobriety versus giving a dinner party — I suggest that you hold off serving booze for now. Your sobriety is still relatively new, and it is more important to safeguard it than it is to serve alcohol to friends.

You don’t mention whether you attend a support group for people in recovery. But dropping into a meeting to speak with others who have lived through experiences similar to yours would probably be helpful. They can’t make this decision for you, but hearing their suggestions may help you make a better decision for yourself. I have watched friends in recovery struggle with alcohol that is left over at the end of the evening — as well as with the temptation to join guests in drinking during dinner.

I also suggest that you rethink what makes a good host. For many decades, that probably entailed serving alcohol to your guests. But really, the act of welcoming friends into your home for a meal — and perhaps a nonalcoholic beer or cocktail — is more than enough. No one needs to drink at every meal, and your friends don’t need you to serve them alcohol to feel valued by you.