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conulyThe first is under a cut because it's awful, the second is under a cut for solidarity.
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conuly
ermingardenWarning for discussion of suicide:
When I was a young child, my friend’s 14-year-old brother died after hanging himself. Nearly everyone, including my friend, believes it was suicide. My cousin happened to be one of the paramedics who arrived at the scene and administered CPR to him unsuccessfully. Many years later my cousin (now deceased) shared some information with me about the incident that makes it appear that it was not suicide but an accidental hanging from autoerotic asphyxiation.
My friend has always struggled with not understanding why her seemingly happy brother wanted to end his life at just 14 years old. I’m fairly certain her father, who found him, knows it may have been accidental but has never shared that information with his daughter. Her father is now in his 90s. I think my friend would be comforted by learning that it may not have been an intentional suicide. But it could also cause her more anguish knowing it might have been accidental. Putting aside the ethics of how I acquired the information, what are my obligations to my friend? Name Withheld
You asked me to put aside the ethics of how you came by the information, but I don’t think we can. Whether we should pass on information depends, in part, on how we acquired it. Your cousin had an ethical duty to not disclose what he learned outside the context of medical care. You have a weaker but real reason to keep the information to yourself: We should all contribute to maintaining the conventions of medical confidentiality.
Even after people are dead, it’s wrong to reveal information they would justly have wanted kept confidential. (This consideration fades with time, in part because the potential knowers we care most about are people with whom we have a substantial connection, and their numbers diminish as time passes.) You may have another reason to bite your tongue. When your cousin told you these things, he may have explicitly asked you to keep them to yourself. And promises do not lapse simply because the promisee has died.
It would certainly have been wrong, in any case, for you to share the information you gathered as mere gossip. But you’re considering sharing the information in order to give solace to the dead boy’s sister. And there are two parts of what you have to say. One is that he was evidently engaging in autoerotic asphyxia, something he probably would have preferred to keep private; another is that he evidently hadn’t meant to kill himself, something he probably would have wanted his loved ones to know.
You think that the father has known all along. If that is the case, it would have been best had he told his daughter what he knew, rather than let her believe for years that her brother was driven to kill himself by distress that the family had failed to recognize. Would learning the truth from you much later have the same positive effect? Bear in mind that this revelation would trail another one: that you and her father have both hidden something important from her for all these years. That might harm her relationships with each of you. (Indeed, because her father would be implicated by any disclosure, you should consider discussing your quandary with him first, although this decision will depend on the nature of your relationship with him, and on whether you judge that conversation would be productive.) Bear in mind too that your friend would come to realize that her grief over the years was entwined in a misunderstanding. She may need to mourn again.
Assessing these pros and cons of speaking up now, you should ask this question: If you were in your friend’s situation, would you want to know the full story? That may help you answer a second question: Will your friend be better off, once she has time to reflect, if you belatedly tell her now? You know her well. You can only be guided by your intuitions here. If your answer to these two questions is yes, then the reasons I’ve identified for keeping quiet would be outweighed by the potential benefit: deepening her understanding of what must remain a harrowing event in her life.
When I was a young child, my friend’s 14-year-old brother died after hanging himself. Nearly everyone, including my friend, believes it was suicide. My cousin happened to be one of the paramedics who arrived at the scene and administered CPR to him unsuccessfully. Many years later my cousin (now deceased) shared some information with me about the incident that makes it appear that it was not suicide but an accidental hanging from autoerotic asphyxiation.
My friend has always struggled with not understanding why her seemingly happy brother wanted to end his life at just 14 years old. I’m fairly certain her father, who found him, knows it may have been accidental but has never shared that information with his daughter. Her father is now in his 90s. I think my friend would be comforted by learning that it may not have been an intentional suicide. But it could also cause her more anguish knowing it might have been accidental. Putting aside the ethics of how I acquired the information, what are my obligations to my friend? Name Withheld
You asked me to put aside the ethics of how you came by the information, but I don’t think we can. Whether we should pass on information depends, in part, on how we acquired it. Your cousin had an ethical duty to not disclose what he learned outside the context of medical care. You have a weaker but real reason to keep the information to yourself: We should all contribute to maintaining the conventions of medical confidentiality.
Even after people are dead, it’s wrong to reveal information they would justly have wanted kept confidential. (This consideration fades with time, in part because the potential knowers we care most about are people with whom we have a substantial connection, and their numbers diminish as time passes.) You may have another reason to bite your tongue. When your cousin told you these things, he may have explicitly asked you to keep them to yourself. And promises do not lapse simply because the promisee has died.
It would certainly have been wrong, in any case, for you to share the information you gathered as mere gossip. But you’re considering sharing the information in order to give solace to the dead boy’s sister. And there are two parts of what you have to say. One is that he was evidently engaging in autoerotic asphyxia, something he probably would have preferred to keep private; another is that he evidently hadn’t meant to kill himself, something he probably would have wanted his loved ones to know.
You think that the father has known all along. If that is the case, it would have been best had he told his daughter what he knew, rather than let her believe for years that her brother was driven to kill himself by distress that the family had failed to recognize. Would learning the truth from you much later have the same positive effect? Bear in mind that this revelation would trail another one: that you and her father have both hidden something important from her for all these years. That might harm her relationships with each of you. (Indeed, because her father would be implicated by any disclosure, you should consider discussing your quandary with him first, although this decision will depend on the nature of your relationship with him, and on whether you judge that conversation would be productive.) Bear in mind too that your friend would come to realize that her grief over the years was entwined in a misunderstanding. She may need to mourn again.
Assessing these pros and cons of speaking up now, you should ask this question: If you were in your friend’s situation, would you want to know the full story? That may help you answer a second question: Will your friend be better off, once she has time to reflect, if you belatedly tell her now? You know her well. You can only be guided by your intuitions here. If your answer to these two questions is yes, then the reasons I’ve identified for keeping quiet would be outweighed by the potential benefit: deepening her understanding of what must remain a harrowing event in her life.
ermingardenDear Prudence,
My brother-in-law disclosed to me that he had multiple sexual encounters with a married couple in exchange for money. He and my sister are struggling financially, and when he first mentioned that he was propositioned, I urged him to decline the offer because no good would come of it. That was about a year ago; then recently he said he gave in (at least twice, I guess) because they needed the cash. However, he has not told my sister. I am upset that he thought it OK to engage in an affair like this and upset that he disclosed this to me and expects me to keep it from my sister. They have two young children, and I know if I said anything to my sister, their family would implode. Keeping it from her also feels bad because if she were ever to find out that I knew, it would destroy my relationship with her.
—No Good Options
Dear No Good Options,
Why would he tell you this? Maybe on some level he wants you to tell your sister. Perhaps she can tell him to stop? Or she can know how hard he’s working to support the family? I really have no idea. But you don’t owe him anything, and you don’t have to keep this secret. Tell your sister, and she can decide whether or not her family implodes over it. This is a much better scenario than risking your relationship with her by hiding what you know.
My brother-in-law disclosed to me that he had multiple sexual encounters with a married couple in exchange for money. He and my sister are struggling financially, and when he first mentioned that he was propositioned, I urged him to decline the offer because no good would come of it. That was about a year ago; then recently he said he gave in (at least twice, I guess) because they needed the cash. However, he has not told my sister. I am upset that he thought it OK to engage in an affair like this and upset that he disclosed this to me and expects me to keep it from my sister. They have two young children, and I know if I said anything to my sister, their family would implode. Keeping it from her also feels bad because if she were ever to find out that I knew, it would destroy my relationship with her.
—No Good Options
Dear No Good Options,
Why would he tell you this? Maybe on some level he wants you to tell your sister. Perhaps she can tell him to stop? Or she can know how hard he’s working to support the family? I really have no idea. But you don’t owe him anything, and you don’t have to keep this secret. Tell your sister, and she can decide whether or not her family implodes over it. This is a much better scenario than risking your relationship with her by hiding what you know.
Dear Prudence: this one is a doozy.
Nov. 12th, 2021 11:37 amminoanmissThe actual title is "Help! My Daughter-in-Law Makes Fun of My “White Woman Tears.” But She Doesn’t Know My History." Content advisory: sexual assault, race issues.
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Jul. 26th, 2021 03:06 pmconulyDear Annie: Six months ago, my dad passed away. My frustration is that my sister and her husband refuse to tell their 6-year-old daughter. I understand that grief is very personal for everyone. But her decision to withhold his death is affecting my family. My niece is not allowed inside our house, for fear she might ask about her grandpop. My young children are not allowed to speak about their grandpop in her presence — no memories, no references whatsoever.
I have confronted my sister about my concerns, and she told me that they'll parent the way that they want to. I agree that they have that right. But it's been six months, and she still is telling my children they cannot talk about their grandfather in their cousin's presence. She has started to exclude us from family activities for fear that my children will mention his name and/or disclose his death to their cousin. My children are old enough to realize it is wrong, and a rift is growing at a rapid rate. I have spoken to my personal therapist, the hospice therapist and my daughter's therapist. All three can't comprehend my sister's actions. — Heartbroken
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I have confronted my sister about my concerns, and she told me that they'll parent the way that they want to. I agree that they have that right. But it's been six months, and she still is telling my children they cannot talk about their grandfather in their cousin's presence. She has started to exclude us from family activities for fear that my children will mention his name and/or disclose his death to their cousin. My children are old enough to realize it is wrong, and a rift is growing at a rapid rate. I have spoken to my personal therapist, the hospice therapist and my daughter's therapist. All three can't comprehend my sister's actions. — Heartbroken
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minoanmissQ. Our daughter’s choices: We recently found out our (adult) teenage daughter has dropped out of school and quit her part-time job to do online sex work. Naturally we’re not thrilled about this, but she likes to push our buttons and we know that if we object, it’ll just drive her even more. This wasn’t from some strong desire to do sex work on her part—she’s very lazy and wanted to make money without having to show up for a job everyday. For a while she was using her real name in the pictures and videos, and a quick Google search of just her name pulls them up easily (her face is visible). Recently, her relatives (aunts and uncles, grandparents, family friends) have been asking about her and our other kids, how they’re doing, and how our daughter’s doing in school. We’ve managed to tell them she’s not in school anymore, but they ask why and what she’s doing for work, and that’s where we get stuck. The last few times we were asked, we made a quick excuse to get off the phone, but I know it’s going to come up again. Our daughter begged us to not tell our family, but I don’t know what we’re supposed to do. On top of that, we’re pretty ashamed of our daughter’s choice and feel like we’re bad parents. My partner says we have to tell them and they’re going to find out eventually. I’m torn. What do we do?
A: You do not “have to” out your daughter’s work to your relatives, even if that work is easily accessible by search engine. “She’s doing freelance work online” is a perfectly acceptable answer. You can, if you like, talk to your friends about how you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship with her, that you feel shut out from her decision-making process, and that you struggle in finding ways to relate to her. You can even talk to a therapist about these things. They’re real and difficult, and you have a right to seek support as you figure out how to love your child who’s pulling away in young adulthood and making choices that are hard for you to deal with. But outing her could not only put her at risk—it might also make a future relationship with her impossible.
You don’t have to like her choices or agree with them. But outing her will not get you any of the things that you want: It won’t convince her to go back to school, it won’t facilitate mutual trust and respect, and it won’t contribute to her safety or well-being.
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A: You do not “have to” out your daughter’s work to your relatives, even if that work is easily accessible by search engine. “She’s doing freelance work online” is a perfectly acceptable answer. You can, if you like, talk to your friends about how you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship with her, that you feel shut out from her decision-making process, and that you struggle in finding ways to relate to her. You can even talk to a therapist about these things. They’re real and difficult, and you have a right to seek support as you figure out how to love your child who’s pulling away in young adulthood and making choices that are hard for you to deal with. But outing her could not only put her at risk—it might also make a future relationship with her impossible.
You don’t have to like her choices or agree with them. But outing her will not get you any of the things that you want: It won’t convince her to go back to school, it won’t facilitate mutual trust and respect, and it won’t contribute to her safety or well-being.
( a couple of reader replies )
Dear Abby: Keeping retirement a secret
Jul. 30th, 2016 01:27 pmceretaDEAR ABBY: I recently retired, but I haven't told anyone. I receive widow's benefits, so I'm comfortable financially. I like my privacy, and I'm afraid things will change if I tell people about my retirement. My father is dying of cancer.
My best friend says if I were her sister, she'd be mad at me. My sister lives a mile away and I don't want her dropping in on me. If she knew, she'd include me in everything she does. I feel this is my life and I want to enjoy it alone for the most part. Am I wrong? Am I hurting anyone?
I was widowed 20 years ago and have had no serious relationships since. I'm independent, attractive and have joined a few dating sites, but I'm picky and have not met a man who attracts me. I'm 66, in good health and look younger. Am I being selfish? Do you have any advice for me? -- LONER LADY OUT WEST
DEAR LONER LADY: If your sister has shouldered the responsibility of caring for your dying father by herself, thinking you are too busy working to help, then she would have every reason to be very angry. Even if that's not the case, her feelings will be hurt when she finds out -- and she will -- that you're avoiding her.
If she didn't love you, she wouldn't want to include you in her life. All you need to do is say no to her invitation if the activity isn't your cup of tea. And surely, you can find a tactful way to ask any drop-in visitor to make plans with you ahead of time instead of dropping in.
You say you want to enjoy your life alone for the most part, but you have joined dating sites. In this life, people have to give in order to get. It may be the attitude you're projecting that's keeping you from meeting men on those dating sites. And yes, I think you are selfish.
My best friend says if I were her sister, she'd be mad at me. My sister lives a mile away and I don't want her dropping in on me. If she knew, she'd include me in everything she does. I feel this is my life and I want to enjoy it alone for the most part. Am I wrong? Am I hurting anyone?
I was widowed 20 years ago and have had no serious relationships since. I'm independent, attractive and have joined a few dating sites, but I'm picky and have not met a man who attracts me. I'm 66, in good health and look younger. Am I being selfish? Do you have any advice for me? -- LONER LADY OUT WEST
DEAR LONER LADY: If your sister has shouldered the responsibility of caring for your dying father by herself, thinking you are too busy working to help, then she would have every reason to be very angry. Even if that's not the case, her feelings will be hurt when she finds out -- and she will -- that you're avoiding her.
If she didn't love you, she wouldn't want to include you in her life. All you need to do is say no to her invitation if the activity isn't your cup of tea. And surely, you can find a tactful way to ask any drop-in visitor to make plans with you ahead of time instead of dropping in.
You say you want to enjoy your life alone for the most part, but you have joined dating sites. In this life, people have to give in order to get. It may be the attitude you're projecting that's keeping you from meeting men on those dating sites. And yes, I think you are selfish.
