cereta: Laura Cereta (cereta)
[personal profile] cereta
DEAR ABBY: Can you settle a dispute between my husband and me? Sometimes, I take it upon myself to hand-wash my car because I enjoy seeing my hard work reflected in my shiny car. When I do, it sparks an argument.

His view is that since he's the man, he should be responsible for washing the car. He says there are certain things "women just don't do." I think I'm perfectly capable of washing my car. Should I give up and let him take care of washing my car, or should I stand my ground? -- JUST AS CAPABLE

DEAR CAPABLE: If you want to wash your car occasionally, it should not be grounds for an argument. Many women do, and it's not an issue. However, because your husband seems to find it emasculating, let me suggest that rather than argue about it you allow him to spoil you by doing it for you from time to time. And when he does, if you feel compelled to polish something, let it be your nails while he's out there sweating in the driveway.
cereta: Paper Bage Princess, heading off into the sunset alone (Paper Bag Princess)
[personal profile] cereta
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Almost all of the examples I now see on how to address invitations are totally different from what I was taught in school many years ago. Have the rules changed, or are young people these days making up their own etiquette rules?

I was taught that for a married couple, the correct address would be " Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Jones" and "Mr. and Mrs. Patrick White," not "Mr. Ben and Mrs. Elizabeth Jones" and "Mr. Patrick and Mrs. Taylor White." I was also taught that the male's name came first on the envelope.

Please set the record straight before too many young brides commit a faux pas and look uneducated.

GENTLE READER: Yes, some rules have legitimately changed, and yes, unauthorized people who make up their own rules are often unintentionally offensive. But come to think of it, the old standard that you cite also sends some people into a tizzy.

Miss Manners wishes everyone would just calm down.

There are couples who use the Mr. and Mrs. form you learned (the only one in which the gentleman's title comes first) and they should be so addressed. But there are others who prefer to be addressed more as individuals for various reasons, some of which are eminently sensible, although society used not to recognize them.

All that takes now is one extra line on the envelope:

Dr. Angelina Breakfront

Mr. Rock Moonley


Mr. Oliver Trenchant

Mr. Liam Lotherington


Ms. Norina Hartfort

Mr. Rufus Hartfort

Is that too much effort to ask?
cereta: Prairie Dawn (Prairie Dawn)
[personal profile] cereta
Hi, Carolyn: I've got a problem with my fiance and partner of 4 1/2 years.

The good: He’s brilliant, creatively resourceful, outgoing, easy to talk to, wonderful at supporting me with my health issues, and aligns with me on so many of the big-picture goals that really matter. Kids, money, sex, family, etc. The bad: He’s stubborn, opinionated yet strongly influenced by the opinions of others, and sometimes unable to empathize. I’m no doctor, but we both believe he may have a touch of narcissism.

The problem we’re having is about my name. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable assuming his name, I don’t like hyphenation, and I don’t want to lose my middle name (which holds a ton of family history) by putting my maiden name there. I’m also a feminist and don’t think I like the tradition I would be supporting by doing this.

My understanding after several unsuccessful talks is that it matters to him because it matters to his family and society as a whole. I want to value what matters to him, but admittedly I struggle to not see that as a really stupid motivator. He is unwilling to change HIS name in any way, and refuses to even discuss alternate ways we could satisfy his needs here.

Last week we had our biggest fight yet about this. His demeanor was the embodiment of every unattractive quality within him, and none of the good. He told me that I WOULD take his name one way or another and that he wouldn’t discuss it further. This is not the way we speak to each other.

He had a real chance of talking me into it if he had come to me thoughtfully and lovingly and stated his case. But he went as far as to imply that he would not marry me unless I caved on this. (Note: Children are not in our future.)

His whole handling of this argument is making me think maybe this is a mistake. I mean, this is MARRIAGE we’re heading for. We’re planning a WEDDING. I’m feeling bullied and totally misunderstood and disrespected. We’ve been through some major trials, but we’ve never been so unable to communicate. This fight really scares me. Meanwhile, we have appointments with caterers and photographers coming up and I don’t know if we should cancel this whole thing or what. What are your thoughts?

What’s in a Name?

A “touch of narcissism” = only somewhat impressed with oneself?

I keep starting answers that break this issue down to its component parts, such as this false start: “His good traits seem to make him entertaining to know while the bad ones make him hell to live with.” Or, “This issue alone has foiled you because it’s one on which you’re both emotional and deeply invested, so you can’t fall back on having one of you (as in, you?) just care less about it than the other.” Or, “Your equivocation — ‘I’m just not sure,’ I ‘don’t think I like,’ ‘I struggle to not see that as . . . really stupid’ — leaves you particularly vulnerable to someone stubborn, opinionated and/or narcissistic.”

Or just, “Cancel or postpone every distraction — caterers, photographers, even the name argument — so you can bring a clear mind to the question of whether you’re making a mistake.”

But every time I start one of these answers, this thought overtakes it: You’ve got your hand on the doorknob, poised to exit a relationship with someone who behaves badly enough for the word “narcissist” to be in play. Can I in good conscience suggest anything, even a thought exercise or schedule adjustment, that might keep you inside?

You don’t need a medical degree or diagnosis here. If you’ve been fair in your depiction of what you’ve witnessed over the past five-ish years — that, for whatever reason, your fiance is either unwilling or unable to put anyone’s interests above his own — then you know exactly what you’re signing up for with this marriage.

So is this what you want, yes or no? How people in such a marriage would answer this question, I know without knowing — but you need to come to it on your own.


Agony Aunt

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