Agony Aunt

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Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together three years and live separately. He lost his wife six years ago and his children have not accepted any of his new romantic relationships. They are 23, 20, and 16. I actually worked with his eldest on a volunteer project, only for her to turn so nasty and hostile when she found out that I had dinner with her father that the coordinator had to keep us on separate schedules. It was bizarre. At that point, I would have considered us friendly.

My partner is a kind, loving man. He put his kids in therapy after he lost his wife, but the older two stopped going after they got older. He has assured his kids that he always will love their mother and would never try to replace her, but he doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. It hasn’t made a dent. I love him and wasn’t expecting it to be all sunshine and roses, but the kids refuse to warm up to me. Getting them to be civil is like pulling teeth. I hit my limit when his 16-year-old son took job that was out of town. He doesn’t drive and no one could pick him up after his shifts. It was, however, on my commute. I stupidly volunteered to pick him up.

What I got for my help was a sullen lump that refused to even make small talk about the weather. Then one time, I was about a half hour late due to traffic, my phone had died, and I forgot my charger. When I pulled up, he wasn’t there. He had gotten a ride with his manager. I drove to the house and knocked on the door to make sure he was okay. I apologized and he called me a bitch and slammed the door in my face. When I got home, I texted my partner about what happened and to consider my chauffeuring services over. We ended up getting in a fight because he seemed to think that forcing an apology out of his son was good enough. I told him that I am sorry his kids are still grieving but it wasn’t an excuse for them to treat me this way. We been on a break ever since.

His son lost his job because there was no one to pick him up. The other two have made social media posts making pretty open remarks blaming me. My partner has texted about how much he loves and misses me. He wants to marry me. My heart is aching. I truly love him. Is there any hope?

—Not Even a Stepmother

Dear Not Even,

Yes, but okay, I’m going to be real with you. You need to take some responsibility for the chauffeuring incident. You can’t really fault a teenager for not enthusiastically talking to you or being effusively grateful for the favor; teens literally treat the experience of being in a car with anyone who isn’t their friend like it’s the worst torture that humankind has ever endured. Your expectations on that front were too high, yes, but you also need to admit that you did kind of let him down by being late, even if it was due to forces beyond your control. A teenager (who’s still in mourning) does not have the neurons to be forgivably empathetic about that: All he knows is that you didn’t show up when you said you would, which probably triggered a deep-rooted fear that doesn’t not have to do with his mother’s death.

Of course he got a different ride. Then, when you confronted him, he became justifiably angry and reacted as much. You need to apologize to your partner’s son for not picking him up on time, full stop. (Be prepared to receive, best case scenario, a grunt in acknowledgement.) Then you need to make it clear to your partner that you do not appreciate name-calling, and would like him to communicate that to all of his kids. You need him to understand that you want a basic degree of respect, but he also needs you to understand that these are his kids, and they’re going to come first. The oldest two are adults and should be held to higher expectations; but the 16-year-old should get more leniency. It’s in adolescent wiring to say some ghastly shit to one’s own biological parents on the regular; you’re even more of a stranger to him, and you have to build up a little tolerance for him to teenage it out.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

A few months ago, I caught my 13-year-old son, “Daniel,” with a pack of cigarettes in his room. No idea how he got them, and he refused to tell me, instead insisting he had a “right to privacy,” which he knows is conditional on him behaving properly. That led to several arguments and him calling me some truly vile, misogynistic names.

I managed to secure a therapist who specialized in adolescent care, and the first appointment was three weeks ago. Only, I just got a call this afternoon from the therapist, who tells me that this probably won’t work out. All three occasions, Daniel has steadfastly refused to talk to him about anything more personal than the latest sports news. He is convinced that the therapist will report on anything he says to me, and refuses to talk despite him telling my son that their conversations are confidential.

The therapist offered to recommend Daniel to a colleague of his, but I don’t know if it will work any better. Clearly, his oppositional defiance, which is what I think this is, has gotten very advanced and very sudden. He used to be such a well-behaved boy. And I don’t know what’s gotten into him or how to fix it. Right now, I’m scrambling, and I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go from here?

—Getting Him Back on the Right Track

Dear Right Track,

Take Daniel’s therapist up on his recommendation; this person may be a better fit for your son, and you don’t want to give up on the therapy so soon. It’s not uncommon to try a few providers before finding someone who works. I think you want to diligently address his misogyny before it goes any further; read up on raising anti-sexist boys in a culture of toxic masculinity. Try Raising Feminist Boys and How to Raise a Feminist Son. Also, pay attention to the content he’s consuming and monitor his online behavior, as well as his communications with his friends; be on the lookout for incel/manosphere content. Many boys your son’s age are being indoctrinated by deeply misogynistic influencers and YouTubers.

When Daniel misbehaves, he should face consequences: loss of screen time, no outings, etc. In my opinion, a kid displaying this type of behavior should not have a cell phone, unless it’s a basic one for dialing in and out to his parents. Remain firm with him, no matter how oppositional he may be. Try not to let him see you frustrated or feeling out of control. Let Daniel know regularly that you love and care for him, and that you only want him to live a good life. Do some research in to raising oppositional children. Though he may not be diagnosed as of yet, you may still find Raising Children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder to be helpful. Be patient with yourself and with Daniel, and remain consistent with therapy. There may be a reason for his behavior that you would be unable to determine on your own.

DEAR ABBY: My life is boring, repetitive and I am often depressed. I have trouble talking to others, which makes things harder. Every day is the same: Get up, go to a long day of school, come home, do homework, play video games, draw, go to bed.

The weekends aren't much better. My family never does anything, we never go anywhere. I don't have friends (the one I'd consider hanging out with is always busy), and at 15, I can't drive anywhere, get a job or do anything on my own for another year. I have never kissed, dated or even had a crush on anyone (I'm not sure why, it's not like I'm gay or too embarrassed), so I haven't got much to talk about with my peers anyway.

I'm alone. I'm not popular, I'm a complete nerd and I'm afraid to tell others what I enjoy. If I tell anyone I like video games and Dungeons and Dragons, I know I'll be mocked for the next few years of my life.

I'm pretty smart and I do well in school, but I'm not good at much else. My social skills are borderline nonexistent. My entire life is school. I just want some attention, some friends, something to do with my life. I need help, some advice, something, anything! -- BORING LIFE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR BORING LIFE: Having never met you, I can't surmise why you have difficulty interacting with others. However, there is nothing wrong with playing video games unless you substitute them for real-life experiences.

Surely, there are activities at your school that you could join that would give you more contact with your peers -- sports and special interest clubs, such as art, come immediately to mind. If your family belongs to a church, there may be a youth group that would welcome you.

If you need suggestions for finding an activity at school that might be a good "fit," talk to a counselor there. Explain how depressed and isolated you're feeling and ask for help. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

And remember, things will change when you turn 16 and can drive and work.