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WTF did I just read?
Jul. 13th, 2024 03:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conulyDear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.
They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous
( Read more... )
They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous
( Read more... )
minoanmissCan we tell him she’s dead?
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a woman of color, married to a white man for the past six years; we have a beautiful 3-month-old son together. Our problem is my husband’s mother, who lives in England. I’ve always known that she is a bigot who merely tolerated me as a daughter-in-law, but she exposed herself as a full-blown racist when we told her I was pregnant: She said really ugly things about her family’s bloodline being sullied by my child. (I won’t repeat the words she used.)
My husband was horrified and embarrassed and supports my cutting off all communication with her. I no longer see her during our visits to the U.K. (several times a year) and I am resolute she will never lay her eyes on our child. My husband continues to maintain a relationship with her out of a sense of duty since she is also estranged from other members of her family for different reasons and is pretty much on her own. When he visits her, they don’t discuss me or our child. As weird as it is, I am okay with him having a relationship with her—she is no longer my problem.
However, I do worry about what we will tell our son about his grandmother when he starts to wonder who and where she is—especially since his other grandma (my mom) is extremely close to us and we see her every couple of weeks. When he is old enough to ask, do we tell him that his English grandmother is dead? Do we tell him that we don’t see her because she is a bad person? I’m torn about how to be truthful without hurting our kid about who he is—or perhaps more likely, hurting him with the truth about the ugliness in his dad’s side of the family.
Any advice on how to navigate this?
—Grandma’s Gone
( Read more... )
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a woman of color, married to a white man for the past six years; we have a beautiful 3-month-old son together. Our problem is my husband’s mother, who lives in England. I’ve always known that she is a bigot who merely tolerated me as a daughter-in-law, but she exposed herself as a full-blown racist when we told her I was pregnant: She said really ugly things about her family’s bloodline being sullied by my child. (I won’t repeat the words she used.)
My husband was horrified and embarrassed and supports my cutting off all communication with her. I no longer see her during our visits to the U.K. (several times a year) and I am resolute she will never lay her eyes on our child. My husband continues to maintain a relationship with her out of a sense of duty since she is also estranged from other members of her family for different reasons and is pretty much on her own. When he visits her, they don’t discuss me or our child. As weird as it is, I am okay with him having a relationship with her—she is no longer my problem.
However, I do worry about what we will tell our son about his grandmother when he starts to wonder who and where she is—especially since his other grandma (my mom) is extremely close to us and we see her every couple of weeks. When he is old enough to ask, do we tell him that his English grandmother is dead? Do we tell him that we don’t see her because she is a bad person? I’m torn about how to be truthful without hurting our kid about who he is—or perhaps more likely, hurting him with the truth about the ugliness in his dad’s side of the family.
Any advice on how to navigate this?
—Grandma’s Gone
( Read more... )
livSisonke Msimang, writing as Ms Understanding at Guardian Australia:
( CN: workplace racism, victimization )
( CN: workplace racism, victimization )
jadelennox( content note: blackface in the 1980's, but not today )
Source at The Forward. And in a later column, (mostly extremely bad) reader responses.
ermingardenI am a physician, and last year, I took care of a white female patient in the hospital for a bacterial bloodstream infection. A few days into her stay, she began referring to Black staff members by the N-word and to our receptionist by an anti-gay slur. As the supervising physician, I made it clear that this was unacceptable. In general, with challenging patient behavior, I find it best to clearly lay out expectations and the consequences for violating them. So before talking to her, I discussed the situation with the nursing staff and hospital risk management, and we concluded that if she persisted in using this language, we would discharge her from the hospital, against her will if necessary.
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
Oh Alison noooooo
May. 24th, 2022 02:05 pmbeableToday's Ask a Manager includes a repost of a letter from a few years ago, but one where the additional details in the comments (not included in the repost itself) make a HUGE difference in the situation.
https://www.askamanager.org/2022/05/our-receptionist-is-rude-to-people.html
( Our Receptionist is Rude to People as crossposted from Slate )
https://www.askamanager.org/2022/05/our-receptionist-is-rude-to-people.html
( Our Receptionist is Rude to People as crossposted from Slate )
Ask a Manager: How Is This A Question?
Apr. 27th, 2022 11:22 amminoanmissActual title beneath cut, along with a content warning for discussion of slurs. ( Read more... )
(no subject)
Dec. 9th, 2021 12:42 amconulyDear Amy,
Am I racist?
A couple of teenagers were at my front door, and I shouted to my husband: "Hey, there are some Black kids at the door, and I don't have time to deal with them."
Kids at the door in my neighborhood are usually selling something or are looking for yard work.
My biracial future daughter-in-law was present when I did this and took offense. Apparently, behind my back, she and my stepson discussed how "un-woke" I am.
Anyway, I love these two so much that as soon as I learned she had been offended, I immediately sent a note of apology to her.
I am in my 60s and was raised in the South.
My grandfather referred to all Black people using the N word.
However, I was active in civil rights during my youth.
I was the first white student at my high school who insisted to be put on bathroom cleaning duty just like the students of color had to. (The white students got to work in the office.)
As a reporter for a newspaper in the South, I had a gun pulled on me as I was covering a boycott of white businesses.
But these kids have never bothered to ask.
I meant no harm referring to these teens as "Black kids."
I don't enjoy receiving a lecture on being "woke" from two suburban Midwesterners, one of whom has traveled the world working with the disadvantaged.
I know their hearts are in the right place, but what about giving someone the benefit of a doubt, before inferring they are racist?
( Read more... )
Am I racist?
A couple of teenagers were at my front door, and I shouted to my husband: "Hey, there are some Black kids at the door, and I don't have time to deal with them."
Kids at the door in my neighborhood are usually selling something or are looking for yard work.
My biracial future daughter-in-law was present when I did this and took offense. Apparently, behind my back, she and my stepson discussed how "un-woke" I am.
Anyway, I love these two so much that as soon as I learned she had been offended, I immediately sent a note of apology to her.
I am in my 60s and was raised in the South.
My grandfather referred to all Black people using the N word.
However, I was active in civil rights during my youth.
I was the first white student at my high school who insisted to be put on bathroom cleaning duty just like the students of color had to. (The white students got to work in the office.)
As a reporter for a newspaper in the South, I had a gun pulled on me as I was covering a boycott of white businesses.
But these kids have never bothered to ask.
I meant no harm referring to these teens as "Black kids."
I don't enjoy receiving a lecture on being "woke" from two suburban Midwesterners, one of whom has traveled the world working with the disadvantaged.
I know their hearts are in the right place, but what about giving someone the benefit of a doubt, before inferring they are racist?
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Oct. 4th, 2021 12:15 pmconulyDEAR ABBY: I was deeply hurt after going to a barbecue at my oldest daughter's home. It was to celebrate my granddaughter's fourth birthday. My daughter's husband is from Thailand. He barbecued beautiful dishes of shrimp and something that looked like a gigantic crawfish. While my daughter is accustomed to and enjoys this food, she and her husband are aware that I, my husband, her sister and her niece are not accustomed to it. We simply do not like the flavor and texture.
When I asked my daughter if there were any hot dogs they could grill, at least for my 9-year-old granddaughter, she got angry and said she eats what her husband cooks. I felt our part of the family was not even being considered. I was hurt for my youngest daughter and my other granddaughter, who had literally nothing to eat that they would even remotely like. Am I wrong for feeling ignored being invited to a barbecue where my daughter knew all the food being offered were things we wouldn't like? -- RUINED MY APPETITE
( Read more... )
When I asked my daughter if there were any hot dogs they could grill, at least for my 9-year-old granddaughter, she got angry and said she eats what her husband cooks. I felt our part of the family was not even being considered. I was hurt for my youngest daughter and my other granddaughter, who had literally nothing to eat that they would even remotely like. Am I wrong for feeling ignored being invited to a barbecue where my daughter knew all the food being offered were things we wouldn't like? -- RUINED MY APPETITE
( Read more... )
livI really liked Nicole Chung's response to a tricky parenting question.
( racist bullying of an Asian-American child by another child )
( racist bullying of an Asian-American child by another child )
minoanmissI'm not going to post this with the usual formatting because both posts are pretty long, but I thought these deserved a signal boost.
Your culture does not include everyone … or what employers need to do for racial equity
How companies can build more equitable workplaces … and what’s getting in the way
I have had some... issues... with Ask a Manager over the years, but I thought these two posts were pretty worthwhile. Investigate the discussions at your own peril, though. *shudders*
Your culture does not include everyone … or what employers need to do for racial equity
How companies can build more equitable workplaces … and what’s getting in the way
I have had some... issues... with Ask a Manager over the years, but I thought these two posts were pretty worthwhile. Investigate the discussions at your own peril, though. *shudders*
minoanmissMy manager refers to me as a diversity hire.
’m a new, junior hire for a small team that is predominantly white and male. I just got an email from my boss asking a member of the team to add my name and picture to a proposal — that, as far as I’m aware, I am not working on — to add more diversity to the team.
This isn’t the first time he’s referred to me as a diversity hire in some way — although I don’t know how having the most junior member on your team not be white or male really helps that much — but it’s beginning to bother me and to make me feel like other people are underestimating me because it’s implied I was just hired because of my race and gender.
I don’t know how or what to say about it! I’ve been hearing this my whole life. I’ve only gotten that scholarship because I was “diverse,” I’ve only gotten that internship because I was “diverse” … I feel like I’ve begun to internalize it and would love any advice.
I’m sorry, this is really crappy.
How to proceed depends a lot on the environment you’re in and your own sense of what options are safe for you to use. But ideally you’d ask your boss directly, “Is that a project I’d be working on?” … and if the answer is no, then say, “I’d of course be happy to add my info to any proposal I’d be working on, but otherwise wouldn’t feel comfortable being listed.”
And — again ideally — you could consider saying to your boss at some point, “When you refer to me as a diversity hire, it sounds like you didn’t hire me based on merit. I’m assuming I’m here because of my qualifications, so can I ask you not to use that term?” If you want, you could add, “I’m concerned it will undermine me with people who hear it.” One would think she would have thought of that on her own, but she apparently hasn’t.
(And while this isn’t the worst of the issues here, let’s note for the record that an individual person is not diverse! A group can be diverse. A person is a person. They are using it as a proxy for “someone who is not what we think of as the default — i.e., not a cis, straight, able-bodied white man,” and that is not what it means.)
’m a new, junior hire for a small team that is predominantly white and male. I just got an email from my boss asking a member of the team to add my name and picture to a proposal — that, as far as I’m aware, I am not working on — to add more diversity to the team.
This isn’t the first time he’s referred to me as a diversity hire in some way — although I don’t know how having the most junior member on your team not be white or male really helps that much — but it’s beginning to bother me and to make me feel like other people are underestimating me because it’s implied I was just hired because of my race and gender.
I don’t know how or what to say about it! I’ve been hearing this my whole life. I’ve only gotten that scholarship because I was “diverse,” I’ve only gotten that internship because I was “diverse” … I feel like I’ve begun to internalize it and would love any advice.
I’m sorry, this is really crappy.
How to proceed depends a lot on the environment you’re in and your own sense of what options are safe for you to use. But ideally you’d ask your boss directly, “Is that a project I’d be working on?” … and if the answer is no, then say, “I’d of course be happy to add my info to any proposal I’d be working on, but otherwise wouldn’t feel comfortable being listed.”
And — again ideally — you could consider saying to your boss at some point, “When you refer to me as a diversity hire, it sounds like you didn’t hire me based on merit. I’m assuming I’m here because of my qualifications, so can I ask you not to use that term?” If you want, you could add, “I’m concerned it will undermine me with people who hear it.” One would think she would have thought of that on her own, but she apparently hasn’t.
(And while this isn’t the worst of the issues here, let’s note for the record that an individual person is not diverse! A group can be diverse. A person is a person. They are using it as a proxy for “someone who is not what we think of as the default — i.e., not a cis, straight, able-bodied white man,” and that is not what it means.)
waterswordQ. Inappropriate food: My son, “Chris,” is 9. A few weeks ago, we decided to open our bubble to include the family of “Neil,” Chris’s best friend. Both of Neil’s parents are doctors, so this seemed like a safe decision. Both parents were born and raised in India. We let Chris have dinner at their place the other night since both boys were having a great time together. When we came to pick up Chris, Neil’s mom recounted to me how much chicken curry and lentils and vegetables Chris ate. I couldn’t believe that they served my son spicy curries without even calling to ask us if that would be OK! I was taken aback and gently mentioned that spicy foods can be hard on small tummies, but it didn’t seem to register. Thankfully Chris didn’t get sick. My wife says to drop it because any conversation will look racial in nature and to only let the boys play at our place. Please help.
A: At the risk of taking the bait, you must realize that millions of people (presumably both of Neil’s parents, not to mention Neil himself) regularly eat lentils and vegetables as children in perfect safety. There’s something so grotesque about the infantilizing language of “gently informing someone”—especially when that someone is “two doctors”—about “small tummies,” coupled with the racist horror that your 9-year-old ate and enjoyed a few servings of chicken curry, one of the world’s most popular and adaptable dishes. Not all curries are spicy, and not all spices pack heat; your son ate a meal he enjoyed (one you didn’t have to prepare or clean up after ) and continued to enjoy good health for the rest of the evening. Neil’s parents didn’t take him to a ghost pepper festival and turn him loose. Your kid was not endangered by chicken curry, and your problem is not one that Neil’s parents can fix for you. Take your wife’s advice and let this go.
A: At the risk of taking the bait, you must realize that millions of people (presumably both of Neil’s parents, not to mention Neil himself) regularly eat lentils and vegetables as children in perfect safety. There’s something so grotesque about the infantilizing language of “gently informing someone”—especially when that someone is “two doctors”—about “small tummies,” coupled with the racist horror that your 9-year-old ate and enjoyed a few servings of chicken curry, one of the world’s most popular and adaptable dishes. Not all curries are spicy, and not all spices pack heat; your son ate a meal he enjoyed (one you didn’t have to prepare or clean up after ) and continued to enjoy good health for the rest of the evening. Neil’s parents didn’t take him to a ghost pepper festival and turn him loose. Your kid was not endangered by chicken curry, and your problem is not one that Neil’s parents can fix for you. Take your wife’s advice and let this go.
minoanmissDear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and I couldn’t be happier with him. He’s my favorite person in the world, and I feel so appreciated and supported by him. I even like his family—except for his dad. ( Read more... )
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and I couldn’t be happier with him. He’s my favorite person in the world, and I feel so appreciated and supported by him. I even like his family—except for his dad. ( Read more... )
conulyDEAR HARRIETTE: Seemingly out of the blue, they are reading lots of books about race at my son’s school. Seriously, they have read three books back-to-back about racial injustice. While I think it is important for the kids to learn about these topics, it is making us uncomfortable. Not everything is about race, but you would never know from this class. I don’t have the knowledge or time to debate these issues with my son every day.
I’m not trying to be rude or insensitive. My husband and I work hard to make sure that our son is thoughtful and not racist, but we also don’t want him to feel super self-conscious about being white. He shouldn’t have to apologize for being himself. I don’t know how to support him as times change. I do teach him to treat everyone with respect, but does that mean I have to allow him to be exposed to so much conversation about the atrocities of racism? -- Too Much Race Talk
( Read more... )
I’m not trying to be rude or insensitive. My husband and I work hard to make sure that our son is thoughtful and not racist, but we also don’t want him to feel super self-conscious about being white. He shouldn’t have to apologize for being himself. I don’t know how to support him as times change. I do teach him to treat everyone with respect, but does that mean I have to allow him to be exposed to so much conversation about the atrocities of racism? -- Too Much Race Talk
( Read more... )
conulyHe has grades and test scores that I think should qualify him for the Ivy League—but he’s also white and upper-middle-class.
( Well, this should be fun )
( Well, this should be fun )
