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ceretaLetter is down the page.
Dear Prudence,
A few years ago, I attended a christening for my friend Deb’s son. I’d never been to one before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was a bit surprised by the length of the Mass beforehand, which lasted for over an hour. The christening itself came at the very end and was over relatively quickly. Now Deb’s had her second baby, and I’m invited to this christening too. I asked if she anticipated the ceremony would start at the same time as the first one, and she just told me what time the Mass started. I said I didn’t plan on attending Mass, but that I’d be there for the christening. She got really irritated and said coming to just the ceremony and luncheon would be like skipping a wedding ceremony and showing up at the reception. I don’t think that’s a great comparison, because the wedding ceremony is incorporated throughout the Mass. I wouldn’t miss anything if I skipped this religious service. I’m not sure why I’m expected to sit through a full Sunday Mass when it’s not my religion. If it matters, Deb isn’t really religious at all. Besides her wedding (which was really more for her husband—she would have happily been married by a judge) and the last christening, I’ve never known her to attend Mass in the 10 years we’ve been friends. So, am I being rude by not attending the Mass?
—Christening Conundrum
It’s less a question of “Is it universally rude to skip an hourlong religious ceremony before a christening and catered luncheon?” (which has several answers, many of which add up to “not really, but … ”) than it is “Will Deb be offended if I skip Mass before her kid’s christening?” To which the answer is pretty clearly yes, because she’s told you she will. In the grand scheme of things, if this 10-year friendship is otherwise solid, and you don’t have any particular objection to her lightly observed religion, I’d advise you to go for the whole thing, be bored for an hour, then have a lot of cake and praise her second child’s noble mien and regal bearing throughout the sprinkling. Getting into an argument about how much a christening does or doesn’t track with a wedding seems like a waste of your time and hers. It’s perfectly fine, and common, to sit through the service of a faith you don’t practice because you’ve been invited as a guest to celebrate an important milestone that’s important to the hosts. No one expects you to adopt that faith as your own or endorse the homily.
Now, just because this matters to her doesn’t mean you’re honor-bound to go. Your friendship doesn’t seem like it’s on the verge of a permanent rupture, and there’s nothing inconsistent with loving your friend, wanting to celebrate her baby, respecting her religion, and not wanting to sit through a full hour of Mass yourself. Plenty of people love their friends dearly but still wouldn’t attend a lengthy religious service just to please them. Instead of trying to negotiate the relative importance of the Mass, you might tell her this: “I’d love to come and celebrate the christening, but I’m not religious, and I’m not comfortable attending another service. If coming late for the christening and lunch would offend you, I won’t do it. I don’t share your faith, but I respect it, and I hope we can find a way to celebrate little Konrad von Marburg together another time.”
Dear Prudence,
A few years ago, I attended a christening for my friend Deb’s son. I’d never been to one before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was a bit surprised by the length of the Mass beforehand, which lasted for over an hour. The christening itself came at the very end and was over relatively quickly. Now Deb’s had her second baby, and I’m invited to this christening too. I asked if she anticipated the ceremony would start at the same time as the first one, and she just told me what time the Mass started. I said I didn’t plan on attending Mass, but that I’d be there for the christening. She got really irritated and said coming to just the ceremony and luncheon would be like skipping a wedding ceremony and showing up at the reception. I don’t think that’s a great comparison, because the wedding ceremony is incorporated throughout the Mass. I wouldn’t miss anything if I skipped this religious service. I’m not sure why I’m expected to sit through a full Sunday Mass when it’s not my religion. If it matters, Deb isn’t really religious at all. Besides her wedding (which was really more for her husband—she would have happily been married by a judge) and the last christening, I’ve never known her to attend Mass in the 10 years we’ve been friends. So, am I being rude by not attending the Mass?
—Christening Conundrum
It’s less a question of “Is it universally rude to skip an hourlong religious ceremony before a christening and catered luncheon?” (which has several answers, many of which add up to “not really, but … ”) than it is “Will Deb be offended if I skip Mass before her kid’s christening?” To which the answer is pretty clearly yes, because she’s told you she will. In the grand scheme of things, if this 10-year friendship is otherwise solid, and you don’t have any particular objection to her lightly observed religion, I’d advise you to go for the whole thing, be bored for an hour, then have a lot of cake and praise her second child’s noble mien and regal bearing throughout the sprinkling. Getting into an argument about how much a christening does or doesn’t track with a wedding seems like a waste of your time and hers. It’s perfectly fine, and common, to sit through the service of a faith you don’t practice because you’ve been invited as a guest to celebrate an important milestone that’s important to the hosts. No one expects you to adopt that faith as your own or endorse the homily.
Now, just because this matters to her doesn’t mean you’re honor-bound to go. Your friendship doesn’t seem like it’s on the verge of a permanent rupture, and there’s nothing inconsistent with loving your friend, wanting to celebrate her baby, respecting her religion, and not wanting to sit through a full hour of Mass yourself. Plenty of people love their friends dearly but still wouldn’t attend a lengthy religious service just to please them. Instead of trying to negotiate the relative importance of the Mass, you might tell her this: “I’d love to come and celebrate the christening, but I’m not religious, and I’m not comfortable attending another service. If coming late for the christening and lunch would offend you, I won’t do it. I don’t share your faith, but I respect it, and I hope we can find a way to celebrate little Konrad von Marburg together another time.”
