Hola Papi!I'm 20 years old, a college junior, and a trans girl. I've come to terms with all this and I'm living my life in (relative) happiness, and I have a great support network of friends and some family. But (and here’s my prob) I'm so depressed and worried about the future. Namely, my romantic future.
I see my girl and guy friends have such fun dating and having sex without any baggage or recourse, and I've yet to even kiss someone. Yes, I know, how embarrassing to be 20 and a virgin in every sense of the word. It’s just that I’ve been so uncomfortable with myself for most of my life, but now that I finally feel ready to be with someone it seems like an impossible thing to make happen. Ugh.
So, Papi, I'm just worried that I'm too late to the game. Am I too old to have my first kiss? To be with someone? To have someone like or love me? I'm scared that I might be. I would really appreciate your advice Papi.
xoxo,
Late Bloomer
Dear Late Bloomer,Thank you for your letter! I enjoy questions like these, because I get to publicly contemplate my own mortality while (hopefully) helping a reader in need to calm down a little. As far as I’m concerned, that’s pretty much what I exist to do. It’s all terribly fulfilling for me! Anyway, let’s get cracking, eh?
I won’t downplay your concerns. Our society is weirdly obsessed with milestones that we as a species completely made up. We’re supposed to have our first kiss and have sex by a certain age. We’re supposed to get married, and then have a baby, and then we’re supposed to stuff some blue or pink balloons in a box and reveal the baby’s gender. With any luck, the balloons catch fire or something and the video will go viral on Twitter. That’s the circle of life.
But the rules are fake. It doesn’t have to be that way. We don’t have to do any of that stuff by a certain age. We don’t have to do any of it at all. At the heart of the issue are the value judgments we’ve been conditioned to make based on these arbitrary life markers (like, “if I haven’t kissed someone by 20, I’m a loser”). It doesn’t hold up to further investigation. Someone kissing you won’t add to or detract from your worth. I mean, I didn’t have my first kiss with a guy until I was 20, and look how I turned out! I’M FINE!!
In all seriousness, you are very young (though I know you may not feel that way). I can’t speak to your unique dating experience, but I can speak to anxieties about the future: They won’t help. The future is notoriously difficult to predict. You don’t know what may be waiting right around the corner for you, and neither do I. You can put yourself out there more (Tinder, campus speed dating events, etc.) and increase your odds of finding someone, but there will never be a guarantee that you will or won’t find someone to date.
So let’s focus on what we do know. We know that humans don’t suddenly “bloom” into a fully-realized sexual being after one experience. The human soul is dynamic, constantly reacting to external and internal stimuli. My best guess is you will have your first kiss, then get your first everything else you’re looking forward to, and then be in turns excited and disappointed with what romantic and sexual partners have to offer you. What will be most important throughout this turbulent process is that you don’t base your self-worth or confidence on your romantic/sexual interactions with others, and what age you are when these experiences occur.
Also, you say your friends are running around dating and having sex without any baggage or recourse. I doubt that’s true of any college student anywhere. Maybe they haven’t unpacked their feelings, or they simply don’t talk about them, but I promise they’re rolling their emotional luggage around behind them, too. In that sense, you’re not so different from them. We’re all just looking for excitement and love and satisfaction, bringing our anxieties along for the ride, hoping for the best.
That’s not to say you’re unremarkable, Late Bloomer — only that there’s nothing abnormal about your experience or your feelings. It’s never too late to have your first kiss, to love and be loved, or to get in “the game.” I think you already know that, or at least suspect it, but here’s me saying: You’re right. It always seems impossible until it happens. For now, take that pressure off yourself, and enjoy being 20.
Papi
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ysobel
