agonyaunt | Entries tagged with gifts

Dear Miss Manners: I prepared some hand-dipped chocolate goodies and delivered them to a couple of ladies in my neighborhood. A few days later, one of the ladies called me to tell me she was diabetic and couldn’t eat them.

I was sad that “the thought that counts” must not come into play anymore. I felt her phone call was rude and unnecessary.

Am I being petty, or was she being rude? It will make me think twice next time I try to be thoughtful. This friend certainly won’t see goodies from me again.

Then you will not want to hear that this lady spent the intervening time fuming over the thoughtlessness displayed in putting her health at risk — as if, instead of trying to brighten her day, you had attempted to force-feed her.

Miss Manners recommends saying, “I’m sorry to hear that. Thanks for letting me know” — and then tossing the conversation in the memory dustbin and, as was your plan, not repeating the gesture. This is also an approximation of what Miss Manners would have counseled the lady with diabetes, had she been asked.

ysobel

[I am getting major deja vu with this, but can't find it on reddit or other advice columns or here...]

Dear Amy: Gift-giving is my “love language,” and I really go above and beyond to give gifts to friends and family members for their special days. I’m thoughtful in that way, and I genuinely enjoy doing this for others.

However, I recently celebrated my birthday. I got phone calls and texts from the people I’m closest to, and one person sent me a card, but I didn’t receive any gifts at all. I’m really upset and have decided to stop giving to all of these people. Maybe I shouldn’t make this decision when I’m so upset, so I’m checking my decision with you. Do you think I’m doing the right thing?

— Cheerful Giver

Cheerful: If giving and receiving gifts is your “love language,” then you might feel better about this situation by reconsidering your definition of “gifts.” Your friends and family members remembered your birthday and got in touch with you.

Is a phone call or an affectionately worded text message on your birthday the equivalent of receiving a scented candle? Is a carefully chosen birthday card a real gift? I’m suggesting that if you opened your eyes to these expressions, you might see these relationships themselves as gifts that keep on giving. Because this imbalance upsets you, you should scale back on your material gifting and become more fluent in another love language: words of affirmation.

ysobel

[I don't agree with MM that the two are the same -- surely the equivalent of "gift reaction/thanks" is "dinner reaction/thanks"?]

Dear Miss Manners: I must admit I’ve never understood etiquette’s requirement to invite people to one’s home after being invited to theirs. When my spouse and I host, we feel that it’s our idea — nobody asked us to make a dinner and invite the group. We enjoy cooking and spending time with everyone.

Is it not improper for hosts to expect that they will be “repaid” with invitations from their guests?

Your statement is akin to the frequently argued one that people should give presents because they really want to, and therefore responses from the recipients are unnecessary. So only selfish people feel the need for positive reactions from those they entertain or send presents.

Evidently, you do not care whether the presents were successful, or if your guests liked you enough to initiate seeing you again. Most of us do. Miss Manners can think of hardly anyone — or even any business — not wishing, if not clamoring, for “likes” and feedback.

However, reciprocating hospitality does not necessarily involve duplicating the original scenario — what you characterize as repayment in kind. People entertain in different ways, and an invitation to a picnic or a bistro would be full reciprocation for a formal dinner.

What is important is what it says: “We were not just looking for a free night out. We enjoyed ourselves and want to see you again.”

misbegotten

Source:

I was recently gifted a family heirloom — a century-old five-carat diamond ring. It is most likely worth six figures. I was shocked; I am not very close with the relative who gave me the ring, by his choice. There are a lot of painful relationships in this particular branch of the family tree. As an adult, I have always tried to be kind and respectful to all of these relatives, while keeping my distance.

The relative who gave me this ring had used it to propose to his now ex-wife, and it was implied that I might use it to replace my engagement ring. (I have no idea why, as I love my engagement ring.) That is the only reason I can surmise that he gave it to me and not to any of his own children. He also said the ring originally belonged to my great-great-grandmother, but it actually belonged to her childless sister (who long survived her). I’m fairly certain that my mother was the only one of her siblings who visited my great-great-aunt on a regular basis.

My husband and I are newly married, and we find ourselves thinking about the value of this ring and how it could change our lives. A down payment on an apartment? A college fund for future children? And so on. We neither come from money nor make much money. If we sell this ring, it is a once-in-a-lifetime windfall.

I’m worried my relative would want the ring back if he knew I was considering selling it. But this is not the kind of sentimental heirloom that everyone in the extended family knows about, and part of me would not be surprised if he never asked about it again. He is also very wealthy, so as a financial asset the ring matters much more to me. Still, he could, one day, ask about the ring, and who knows what ugliness might ensue from this complicated family if I sold it. But I’m more concerned about my own ethics here — what are my rights regarding this gift, and what explanation do I owe? — Name Withheld

( On gifts )

lemonsharks

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. She recently told me that she still has a lot of the gifts that an ex-boyfriend gave her.

I got a lot of pushback from her when I told her that it made me uncomfortable that she still has the gifts. I think that her unwillingness to part with them may signify an emotional attachment to the items — and thus an emotional attachment to the person who gave them to her.

Could I be overthinking this?

- Throw Them Out

DEAR THROW THEM OUT: Start by assessing what the gifts are.

I wouldn’t automatically say that your girlfriend is holding on to old feelings about her ex because she has some stuff he gave her. It could simply be that she likes the things.

Ask her and listen to what she has to say. I would be worried if she seems to go down memory lane when she speaks of her ex or of the items in question.

The reality is that if you date someone who previously was with someone else, it is likely that the person may have items from the ex. Even more, there surely are memories of their times together. You may want to know a bit about what she liked about this person, how they spent their time and why they broke up.

Rather than automatically wanting her to expunge any memory of him from her life, learn about her past. Allow her to learn about yours as well, and see where this path of mutual discovery leads you.

lemonsharks

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I argue about returning gifts his parents give us. They are well-off and buy excessively for their grandkids throughout the year, especially at holidays. They also buy multiple gifts for my husband and me. We are drowning in too much stuff and constantly battling clutter in our home.

None of these gifts are from our family’s wish lists, nor are they particularly thoughtful. In years past, I have asked my mother-in-law to limit her purchases to three gifts — one toy, one outfit, one book — with no success. I also have pleaded with her to stop buying me small knickknacks, and have suggested more experience-based gifts. Still, year after year, we come home with a bunch of stuff we neither need nor want.

How can I get my in-laws to respect our wishes? To make matters worse, my husband becomes defensive of his parents when I get frustrated, even though he fundamentally agrees with me. How do I help his parents understand that what they are really giving us is a fight? And, if none of them care about my wishes, how do I get past feeling disrespected and disregarded? — BURIED IN STUFF

DEAR BURIED: By now you should have realized that your mother-in-law, “Lady Bountiful,” isn’t going to change. You will spend less time being frustrated if you let go of your resentment about her spending sprees. My heartfelt advice to you is to develop a sense of humor where she’s concerned. If you can’t use her gifts, donate, regift or sell them.

minoanmiss

( Read more... )

Current Mood: rolling my eyes

beable

This is old, but it's an Emily Yoffe prudence answer that is cracking me up at the moment:

Dear Prudence, Emily Yoffe, 2014

My in-laws are kind, delightful people, and I enjoy spending time with them, except on Christmas. Their family tradition is for everyone to take turns unwrapping gifts. Last year, we unwrapped gifts for almost two hours, stopped for lunch, and then unwrapped gifts for another hour after lunch. Each person receives a modest number of gifts, so it’s not quantity that is causing the problem. The recipient is expected to carefully unpackage and read product instructions before moving along to the next gift, and, when there are no instructions or awkward packaging, the recipient will wax poetic for 10 minutes about how the sweater reminds them of their deceased grandmother’s beloved cocker spaniel, etc. My husband agrees it is out of hand, but we don’t know how to politely speed things along. Any advice, or do we just need to keep quiet?

This year you two should insist going first. Then give each other Fitbits, put them on, explain how you both are so excited about getting into better shape that you’re going to use them right now—then sprint out the door and don’t return until the excruciating performance-art project “Endless Unwrapping” is done. Your husband needs to have a talk with his parents and say the gift exchange needs to be speeded along, that an hour is more than sufficient (insanely so) for this, and he’ll be in charge of keeping things moving. If your in-laws insist on this torturous ritual, it’s perfectly fine for you two to say you’ve got to stretch your legs, then don’t make a return appearance until it’s time for lunch.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/12/dear-prudence-family-holiday-advice.html

cereta

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two kids under the age of 2. Our close friends "John and Jane" also have two kids under 2.

We recently invited them to our oldest daughter's birthday party. When they arrived, Jane informed me they hadn't had time to shop for a gift and that they "owed us one." I brushed it off and said I was just happy they came.

Well, now it's their older daughter's birthday. We are invited and I'm confused. Do we still buy her a gift? We want to go, but we feel ripped off because our daughter received nothing. Would it be rude to attend the party without buying their daughter a gift? -- RIPPED OFF IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR RIPPED OFF: Yes, it would. You say these are close friends. John and Jane may not have followed up with a gift for your daughter because you told them you were "just happy they came," so don't hold it against them. If this happened repeatedly, my advice might be different, but this may simply have been an oversight.

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Agony Aunt

Entries tagged with gifts

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Gifts are obligatory

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I Was Given a Ring as a Treasured Heirloom. Can I Sell It?

surprisingly good relationship advice from Harriete

Low stakes Dear Abby, how do we get our inlaws to stop giving us stuff we don't like need or want?

Dear Care & Feeding: Christmas Gift Power Struggle

Classic Prudence: Run! Run like the wind!

Dear Abby: Gift-giving reciprocity