Last letter!

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My brother and his daughter came to stay with me and my husband over Thanksgiving. They live a few hours away, so it’s always a joy to be able to get together again. My niece, “Ivy,” is 8, and my brother shares custody of Ivy with his ex. I know this might seem minor to some people, but I’m really irritated by a passive-aggressive comment that Ivy made about me at my house. I have a framed picture of me at my high school graduation in my living room, amongst other pictures of me and my husband. Ivy pointed to that picture before dinner and asked who that is in the picture. I explained that it was me. She then said, “Oh, you look so different there!”

I know what that means. That means, “You are old and ugly.” I graduated about twenty years ago, and it stung to have that rubbed in my face. After dinner, when my husband and I were alone, I brought up the comment and how rude and hurtful it was. My husband said that I was beautiful and not to overthink it or discuss with my brother. That being said, if she’s saying this to her own aunt, what is she saying to other people? I mentioned to my brother that I was hurt by Ivy underhandedly insulting my appearance, to which he said that he didn’t see it as an insult. He said he was going to give his daughter the benefit of the doubt. I told him that he needs to teach Ivy better manners. I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings and stop gaslighting me. I’m also worried that this passive-aggressive behavior is going to become a pattern for Ivy, and she’ll end up hurting a lot of other people around her. What else can I do to deal with this situation?

—Passive Aggressed

Dear Passive,

You’re probably not going to like this answer, but I think you’ve gone off the deep end on this. Your niece is 8 years old—do you honestly think she understands the nuances of passive-aggressive behavior? I have an 8-year-old daughter as well, and I’m telling you straight up that most kids at that age are as blunt as can be and say exactly what they mean. Not to mention—don’t all of us look different 20 years removed from our high school graduations? The kid is just speaking the truth. How can you make the inference that she’s calling you “old and ugly”? I don’t get it.

If we’re keeping score here, you’ve upset your husband who didn’t want you to bring this up to your brother. You’ve upset your brother by telling him he’s raising a kid with crappy manners. Your 8-year-old niece probably can sense something is amiss too. I mean, is it all worth it?

You have two people who know you very well, and a complete stranger (me) telling you that you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. This isn’t gaslighting or some conspiracy to make you feel bad—but it does seem like you may have some deep-seated issues around your appearance that you should address with a professional.

I’m sorry that you’re hurting over this, but if you’re looking for someone to tell you that an 8-year-old child had malicious intent by innocuously commenting on a photo from 20 years ago, you’re barking up the wrong tree.

—Doyin

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/my-niece-insulted-looks-care-and-feeding-advice.html

Comments

[conuly]

WOW. LW needs some serious help, but they're not gonna get it.

[cereta]

It is for letters like this that the "what the actual fuck?" tag was instituted.

Seriously, I was looking at a bunch of pictures of me from late grade school/early high school (Catholics don't do middle school), and I barely recognized myself. I didn't look better, or worse (except for the '80's glasses, oy!). Just different.

[lannamichaels]

It is a rite of passage for my niblings to look at pictures of me as a kid and not have a clue who that is, even using process of elimination. None of them have ever known me as having long hair, and so the question of "who is that" getting answered as "Auntie Lanna" blows their minds.

[azurelunatic]

There's a photo of me when I was maybe 13? 14? sitting on a couch in my parents' house, laughing, without my glasses on and with my hair not yet brushed. When the picture was developed some months later, I asked Mama, "Who's that woman?" because I literally did not recognize the person in the picture and did not remember anyone who looked like that visiting, maybe it was some friend of Mama's who might have visited while I was in class.

[starwatcher]

Somewhere, there's a photo of me in my mid-20's -- IE, fully adult. I had been visiting a humid climate for 6 weeks in the summer, and had chopped off all my naturally Anglo-curly hair to avoid frizz; it was very short and laid flat on my head. I visited my sis, newly graduated from Air Force Academy, when I got back. Years later, I was looking at pics from that visit and said, "Who's that guy?" Looked a little closer -- it was ME!!!

Yes indeed; a change of hair, addition or subtraction of glasses, different clothing choices can make a HUGE difference in one's overall "look". I've seen people sneer at Lois Lane for not recognizing Superman as her friend Clark -- but he would have certainly fooled me. <shrug> People change; that's the nature of the game.

[shirou]

If LW graduated high school 20 years ago, LW is only (about) 38. Anyone would change over 20 years, but 38 is not old. It's not even really middle-aged. Holy cow.

[conuly]

Her niece probably DOES think 38 is old but, let's be real here: that same niece thinks 22 is old.

[azurelunatic]

18 is old, at that age.

[jadelennox]

sixth grade is old, at that age.

[azurelunatic]

and honestly aside from the social implications, the mortarboard is not a super flattering hat.

[frenzy]

Wowwwww. LW needs some serious counselling.

[ashbet]

Yeah, wow. LW is reading ALL kinds of nonexistent malicious intent into an innocuous comment.

(Hell, I'm someone who barely visibly ages due to a genetic condition, and *I* still look different than I did in 2001! Because my mid-20's did not look the same as my mid-40's!)

[azurelunatic]

... Ivy probably does not care enough about you, Random Aunt, to talk about you to other people without some prompt. Like, "Who are the people in your family?" or "What did you do last weekend?" and the answer is probably going to be something like "Auntie has a house with THREE BATHROOMS" or some other thing that you would consider completely irrelevant.

If you want Ivy to talk disparagingly about you to other people, by all means, double down on the severity of this insult and your brother's child-rearing and continue bathing in your insecurities.

[cimorene]

LW sounds like they've somehow had some trauma triggered on this issue. It reminds me of a couple of incidents I've witnessed where a friend in one case, and my mom in the other, got crying, ranting, obsessively upset about relatively innocuous and incomprehensible things that were surprising and confounding to all the witnesses (some random friends in one case, my mom's siblings and children in the other). I observed the same pattern both times too, of them getting further upset because of the people questioning them to try to figure out what was upsetting about it - the suspicion of gaslighting, because they apparently couldn't conceive that the trigger wasn't so obviously wrong to everybody else.

I've been trying to tell my mom and dad that she definitely needs therapy for whatever that was for several years now, but of course she still doesn't believe her reaction was odd - she thinks every other person aware of the situation was wrong.

[tielan]

I was thinking that this is a trauma response in LW, too.

[minoanmiss]

*raises hand in agreement* LW's 'logic' here reminds me of myself when I get triggered or otherwise go "nonlinear" -- my internal geometries get out of whack and squirm around in Lovecraftian patterns, and when I'm thinking like that I can't see it.