What a jerk.

[conuly]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a gentleman should, I offer my wife the first choice when there are two of something left. For example: "Dear wife, we have two tomatoes left. Would you prefer the red or the yellow?"

Her response invariably is, "Either one is fine. I have no preference."

I contend that this is rude, and that proper etiquette would dictate that she choose one, rather than deferring the decision back to me. What say you?

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Messiness!

[conuly]

1. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Whenever I visit my daughter’s and her boyfriend’s apartment, I have to bite my tongue about how cluttered the place is. It makes me afraid I’m going to sit on something when I try and sit down on their sofa. The kitchen table is invisible under all the stacks of stuff they have on it. They have to eat their meals at a coffee table in the living room, because there is no counter or table space that isn’t covered. Even the coffee table has stacks of papers and books and magazines, with just enough space for their plates and drinking glasses.

I get the impression they simply don’t see this as an issue, or even at all, which I don’t understand. This definitely is not how our daughter was raised.

How can people live like this and not get totally stressed out? --- CLUTTER QUEEN’S MOM

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**************

2. DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two adult sons, 22 and 20. We helped them become independent by teaching them as teenagers to cook, do their laundry, scrub their bathrooms, vacuum, do dishes, etc.

Our oldest moved out a year ago and rented an apartment with his 28-year-old girlfriend. A month after he moved, we were invited to their place for dinner. The apartment was a mess. We let our son know they need to spend 15 to 30 minutes every day picking up after themselves so their days off won't be spent cleaning. They both work crazy hours.

Neither one thinks cleaning their apartment is important! We have bought them cleaning supplies, a vacuum, a mop, etc., to help them maintain their apartment, but they sit unused. Their place is now a total disaster. It pains me to see them live like this. This isn't how our son was raised.

By the way, she is the mother of a 5-year-old who stays with her three days a week. Part of me wants to call CPS because no child should live in these conditions, but I'm hesitant because of my son. He loves her and enjoys living with her. I desperately need advice on how to best handle this. -- FASTIDIOUS IN WASHINGTON

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*************

3. Hi Carolyn: I find it so frustrating when my partner will not do his share of the housework, saying that if I want the house clean, then I should do it myself. This happens even when his family is going to visit.

Do you think the frequent complaints from women about a gender imbalance in doing housework are because our culture has expectations that a woman should keep a nice home, but seems to have lower expectations for men?

I assume my partner’s mother will see a messy home as my responsibility. We all pay the price for archaic and sexist beliefs about housekeeping — but how do we get past it? Is it fair for me to tell his family that he didn’t want to help with cleaning, and I did not have time to do it all?

— Houseworked

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Ask a Manager: Folluwup to "my employees got into a religious argument and now things are in chaos"

[minoanmiss]

(posted here)

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Dear Prudence: "Is it wrong to do sex acts in someone’s house?"

[minoanmiss]

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Prudence,

Years ago, I shared inside info with a best friend about my marriage. My husband was taking advantage of me during this time. She (my friend) was a good listener and very empathetic. I hosted a summer holiday which my girlfriend and her husband attended. She lit into him about how she didn’t care for him and confronted his behaviors. I thought she understood the “girlfriend code.” I assumed she knew the things I had shared with her were in confidence, meaning between ME and HER. It was a disaster, and we weren’t as close afterwards.

Fast forward 15 years. A different friend, the same inconsiderate oaf of a husband. I shared info with this friend after me and my husband separated. We were apart for about three years. I never thought they would meet each other. Well, me and my Hubby are back together after that three-year separation, and now my Bestie is coming to my town on a business trip and I am horrified for her to meet my husband because her personality is reminiscent of the former friend. She has even said that she’s going to have a hard time containing her fiery attitude. Should I navigate her location and whereabouts away from my husband while she’s here an entire week? I’ve asked her not to expose me for telling her too much, and she couldn’t promise me she could do it. I don’t want to lose another good friend!

— I’m a Chicken

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have four children, one toddler and three in school. My husband spent his young adulthood in therapy, healing and learning the skills he knew he’d need in parenthood to not repeat the bad patterns of his own childhood (through which he suffered abuse at the hands of his father), and he is a wonderful and engaged father. The one problem is that he refuses to be involved in homework, because of trauma from his father specifically around homework battles.

I don’t disbelieve him in the least. I believe him when he tells me that nightly homework was traumatic for him. And he does take care of our toddler and other chores while I manage homework time. The thing is, homework is beyond exhausting for me. Frankly, every night is a battle with my older children. I don’t think the amount of homework they’re assigned is unreasonable at all (our school has a policy for what and how much the teachers may assign). The kids are fully capable of completing their work in less time than they spend complaining about having to do it. And I am not doing it for them—my involvement is literally just getting them to do it. But because they fight me on it, it’s a misery, one that’s repeated every evening. It’s nice that my husband handles other things, but you know what? Sometimes I want to handle those other things and get a break from the homework war. Even just once or twice a week! But this is the one thing he straight-up refuses to do. He has worked through everything else that triggered him, but somehow this one thing eludes him. And he doesn’t want to go back to therapy just for this. I don’t want to discount his trauma, but I’m getting very frustrated by his refusal to even occasionally take this one dreaded task off my plate.

—Hamstrung Homework Helper

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Why are people so weird about Santa?

[ysobel]

...I swear it seems like the only two options are "believe/participate" and "be an ass about it not being real". (And ... cookies are fat-shaming now?

Dear Amy: I live in a country that celebrates a tradition that I am, at best, uneasy with. It involves a bizarre ritual by which parents of small children routinely lie to them about the existence of an elderly domestic intruder who supposedly brings small chocolate statues of himself along with toys and gifts once a year (spoiler alert: the parents buy this stuff).

These are otherwise reasonable people who do their best to teach honesty, good communication, integrity and good values to their children. I’ve assimilated well to the point that I, too, am complicit in this charade, along with almost all my neighbors, friends, colleagues and all their relatives.

I want to teach my kids about the shamanic origins of this intriguing but overly caricatured figure, instead of fat-shaming him with cookies and milk (seriously).

It’s important for me to keep (or at least regain) my kids’ trust despite this betrayal. How do I come clean to my kids, who are 7 and 4 and have grown to embrace this tradition?

— No Gaslight

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