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agonyaunt2019-11-01 01:32 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2019-11-01 01:32 pm
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Dear Care & Feeding: Am I A Grinch?
I can’t pretend that I believe in Santa in front of my friends’ kids.
I’m a (happily!) childless twentysomething with several friends with kids. I’m happy to listen to my friends’ stories and look at endless pictures of their cute babies.
I identify as Jewish. I buy holiday presents for my friends’ kids (which I’m sure they open on Christmas), and I’m beginning to get anxious now that more of the kids are old enough to understand the concept of Santa. I have no desire to lie to children and say that I believe in a Christian tradition when I am part of a family that has experienced persecution, forced conversion, murder, and general inconvenience by said religion.
My previous script when I was asked by a kid if I believe in Santa (an event that has been surprisingly frequent) was along the lines of: “I don’t believe in Santa, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t. People in the world have different holidays that they celebrate and different ways they live, and that’s what makes the world an interesting place to live.”
One of my friends texted last year to ask me if I could pretend to believe in Santa so I don’t “ruin Christmas” for their kid. I told them that to ask that of me made me feel deeply uncomfortable, and they dropped it, but I can’t shake how upset I am by it. It’s making me anxious that it’ll happen again. I don’t want to ruin someone else’s holiday, but I feel like “please don’t force me to pretend I’m Christian or that I believe in Santa” isn’t that unreasonable of a request. Is there a better script for this if it happens again? How do I make people understand that this is a completely bananas thing to ask and not as harmless as they think it is? Am I being the unreasonable one?
—Am I a Grinch?
Dear AIaG,
If you feel evincing belief in a largely secular rite to indulge the children of your friends is an affront to your own faith, well, that’s how you feel. The question of whether you’re being unreasonable isn’t salient.
Your friend asked you not to ruin Christmas for their kid by puncturing their own belief; I’m sorry this is still making you feel deeply uncomfortable one year on. I do indeed think there’s a better script for this, so here you go:
Friend’s kid: Auntie G, do you believe in Santa?
You: Hm, I don’t know. What do you think?
Friend’s kid: But really, do you believe in Santa?
You: I just don’t know! What are you excited to get this year?
Friend’s kid: But is Santa real?
You: I don’t know, but I hope he brings you a bike!
Your previous answer made the mistake of taking the kid’s question at face value. No young child cares what you or any grown-ups think; they are, always, talking about themselves. You don’t have to participate in what you feel is a lie; you can simply redirect with lots of questions, and avoid the ire of your friends.
If you truly feel you cannot even do this—play dumb, essentially—then yes, I do think you’re being unreasonable, and for no particular reason. Ruining your friends’ kids’ ability to suspend disbelief—to be a kid!—is not some intellectual or religious victory for you. You might think Santa is bananas (he is), but you’re an adult and surely you know that life sometimes demands that we roll our eyes and keep our opinions to ourselves.
I’m a (happily!) childless twentysomething with several friends with kids. I’m happy to listen to my friends’ stories and look at endless pictures of their cute babies.
I identify as Jewish. I buy holiday presents for my friends’ kids (which I’m sure they open on Christmas), and I’m beginning to get anxious now that more of the kids are old enough to understand the concept of Santa. I have no desire to lie to children and say that I believe in a Christian tradition when I am part of a family that has experienced persecution, forced conversion, murder, and general inconvenience by said religion.
My previous script when I was asked by a kid if I believe in Santa (an event that has been surprisingly frequent) was along the lines of: “I don’t believe in Santa, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t. People in the world have different holidays that they celebrate and different ways they live, and that’s what makes the world an interesting place to live.”
One of my friends texted last year to ask me if I could pretend to believe in Santa so I don’t “ruin Christmas” for their kid. I told them that to ask that of me made me feel deeply uncomfortable, and they dropped it, but I can’t shake how upset I am by it. It’s making me anxious that it’ll happen again. I don’t want to ruin someone else’s holiday, but I feel like “please don’t force me to pretend I’m Christian or that I believe in Santa” isn’t that unreasonable of a request. Is there a better script for this if it happens again? How do I make people understand that this is a completely bananas thing to ask and not as harmless as they think it is? Am I being the unreasonable one?
—Am I a Grinch?
Dear AIaG,
If you feel evincing belief in a largely secular rite to indulge the children of your friends is an affront to your own faith, well, that’s how you feel. The question of whether you’re being unreasonable isn’t salient.
Your friend asked you not to ruin Christmas for their kid by puncturing their own belief; I’m sorry this is still making you feel deeply uncomfortable one year on. I do indeed think there’s a better script for this, so here you go:
Friend’s kid: Auntie G, do you believe in Santa?
You: Hm, I don’t know. What do you think?
Friend’s kid: But really, do you believe in Santa?
You: I just don’t know! What are you excited to get this year?
Friend’s kid: But is Santa real?
You: I don’t know, but I hope he brings you a bike!
Your previous answer made the mistake of taking the kid’s question at face value. No young child cares what you or any grown-ups think; they are, always, talking about themselves. You don’t have to participate in what you feel is a lie; you can simply redirect with lots of questions, and avoid the ire of your friends.
If you truly feel you cannot even do this—play dumb, essentially—then yes, I do think you’re being unreasonable, and for no particular reason. Ruining your friends’ kids’ ability to suspend disbelief—to be a kid!—is not some intellectual or religious victory for you. You might think Santa is bananas (he is), but you’re an adult and surely you know that life sometimes demands that we roll our eyes and keep our opinions to ourselves.