agonyaunt | Entries tagged with death

minoanmiss

...After a Family Death. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: angry

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: amused

conuly

Dear Carolyn: My father is ill and wants me to reconcile with my twin sister, who is mentally, physically and financially abusive to me to the point of my cutting her entirely out of my life a couple of years ago. He insists we repair our relationship, which I view as irreparable given her boundary issues and continued abuses. I won’t do it.
But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.

I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.

— Twin

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minoanmiss

My Dad Wants Us to Keep His Skull on My Mantel to “Watch Over the Family” When He Dies

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Current Mood: amused

jadelennox

( I don't think this needs a content note? But death and a morbid relative; YMMV. )

via

Current Mood: amused

conuly

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

My son passed away in a car accident eight months ago, leaving my daughter-in-law, who I’ll call Nancy, with my grandchildren, who are 3-year-old twins. They lived in a big city, and they always flew home for Christmas, even before they were married. I’m very worried about Nancy and my grandchildren. Nancy works a very busy job and seems overwhelmed. She refused to fly here for Christmas this year, even though it’s barely a 3-hour flight and she visited her family for her Jewish holidays in another state, and she only reluctantly offered for me to stay with them when I insisted I wanted to see my grandchildren for the holidays. When I arrived, the house was a mess, and she seemed frazzled and couldn’t socialize very much. The kids seemed miserable and were throwing tantrums, and she seemed too tired to adequately take care of them for the week I was there.

Things have been frosty ever since she refused to let my grandsons be baptized, so I didn’t want to criticize her and make things worse, but the situation seems untenable at this point. I gently suggested getting a housecleaner, and she said that she couldn’t afford it, even though I’m sure that my son’s life insurance must have left her with a hefty sum. I also suggested it might be good for her to get a less busy job that pays more. She’s an attorney for a non-profit, and it would be more lucrative and less stressful for her to get a more traditional lawyer job. She got angry when I suggested it, and I don’t understand why she won’t make these kinds of changes to make her life easier. I also suggested that she could move in with me, and I’d pay all the relocation expenses. I have lots of space, since your buck goes further in the Midwest, and there’s a church down the street that has free daycare for the boys. I could even watch them on my time off. She told me bluntly that she thought I should get a hotel, and I acquiesced since she seemed so upset. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do or how to help! She won’t answer my calls now, and it’s been over a week and a half since I’ve facetimed with my grandsons.

—I Just Want to Help

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2. ( Cut for LW being awful, at a commenter's request )

minoanmiss

A reader is left wondering how to patch things up with irked neighbors after an understandably preoccupied friend left the reader’s dog alone to bark all night.

By Philip Galanes
Jan. 3, 2024
I visited my family overseas for three weeks. It was our first Christmas together in 10 years. A close friend offered to take my dog while I was away. During the first week, my friend’s mother died. I offered to make other arrangements for my dog, but she said it wasn’t necessary. By the second week, she was struggling. She asked if she could return the dog to my house and visit twice a day. I asked another person to help her so my dog would get more visits and my friend could deal with her loss. Then, my neighbors complained that my dog was barking all night. I asked my close friend to spend one night at my house. She declined and insinuated that I was to blame for the situation. Her inability to commit has caused a rift with my neighbors. How can I remedy the problem with the neighbors? (I’m OK just moving on with my friend and not accepting offers of help from her again.)

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Current Mood: annoyed

conuly

Dear Prudence,

I will be getting married in a few months. We are planning and paying for the wedding ourselves. Our save-the-date cards went out a few weeks ago and my mother called me because her sister didn’t get one. I explained that we were not inviting my aunt. She is a lovely woman, but she had a daughter who was the same age as me who passed away when we were in high school. My cousin and I were very close and having her mother at my wedding will remind me of how tragically my cousin’s life was cut short. I also think it might be hard for my aunt to attend my wedding. I’m sure my milestones make her think of all the things her daughter never got to do. My mom is very upset because we are inviting the rest of the extended family. She says my aunt’s feelings will be hurt. I’ve tried to explain my reasons to my mom, but somehow by the end of every conversation about this, I end up looking like the bad guy. I’d like to think of a way to make my mom understand my position, or at least to just back off.

—It’s a Wedding, Not a Funeral

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conuly

1. DEAR ABBY: I am 76. My husband and I planned our final wishes for cremation because I have had a lifelong fear of being buried underground. My children from my first marriage are Jewish and very much against cremation. When I told them my wishes, they attacked me with a barrage of negatives about cremation, such as, "You won't go to heaven," "You won't see your deceased mother or grandson in heaven," "We won't be able to say kaddish for you," etc., so I immediately changed my plans. My husband and I purchased side-by-side crypts, thinking it was an acceptable alternative.

I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA

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2. Around a decade ago, my mom informed each of her children that she and my stepfather put a codicil in their wills disinheriting any of their children married to someone not recognized as Jewish by her local Orthodox Rabbinate.

I believe a will is not just about money; it’s also an expression of values and love. I have strongly objected to this codicil, or more specifically, to her having informed us about it: The two are thereby using their wealth as an implicit weapon in service of their religious views.

She says I’m reading too much into it. She claims she informed us in the name of “transparency,” so we wouldn’t be surprised later, and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases, anyway — though she concedes that she also informed us in case it may influence decisions we make.

I’ve since married someone who fits her definition of a Jew, so the codicil doesn’t apply to me. Still, I have three middle-aged siblings who are all not religious and unmarried, and I think they remain so at least partially because they’re stuck, unable to both follow their hearts and avoid betraying my mother’s love — and its most powerful signifier, her will. Is she right to have the codicil? And to have told us about it? — Name Withheld

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ermingarden

Warning for discussion of suicide:

When I was a young child, my friend’s 14-year-old brother died after hanging himself. Nearly everyone, including my friend, believes it was suicide. My cousin happened to be one of the paramedics who arrived at the scene and administered CPR to him unsuccessfully. Many years later my cousin (now deceased) shared some information with me about the incident that makes it appear that it was not suicide but an accidental hanging from autoerotic asphyxiation.

My friend has always struggled with not understanding why her seemingly happy brother wanted to end his life at just 14 years old. I’m fairly certain her father, who found him, knows it may have been accidental but has never shared that information with his daughter. Her father is now in his 90s. I think my friend would be comforted by learning that it may not have been an intentional suicide. But it could also cause her more anguish knowing it might have been accidental. Putting aside the ethics of how I acquired the information, what are my obligations to my friend? Name Withheld

You asked me to put aside the ethics of how you came by the information, but I don’t think we can. Whether we should pass on information depends, in part, on how we acquired it. Your cousin had an ethical duty to not disclose what he learned outside the context of medical care. You have a weaker but real reason to keep the information to yourself: We should all contribute to maintaining the conventions of medical confidentiality.

Even after people are dead, it’s wrong to reveal information they would justly have wanted kept confidential. (This consideration fades with time, in part because the potential knowers we care most about are people with whom we have a substantial connection, and their numbers diminish as time passes.) You may have another reason to bite your tongue. When your cousin told you these things, he may have explicitly asked you to keep them to yourself. And promises do not lapse simply because the promisee has died.

It would certainly have been wrong, in any case, for you to share the information you gathered as mere gossip. But you’re considering sharing the information in order to give solace to the dead boy’s sister. And there are two parts of what you have to say. One is that he was evidently engaging in autoerotic asphyxia, something he probably would have preferred to keep private; another is that he evidently hadn’t meant to kill himself, something he probably would have wanted his loved ones to know.

You think that the father has known all along. If that is the case, it would have been best had he told his daughter what he knew, rather than let her believe for years that her brother was driven to kill himself by distress that the family had failed to recognize. Would learning the truth from you much later have the same positive effect? Bear in mind that this revelation would trail another one: that you and her father have both hidden something important from her for all these years. That might harm her relationships with each of you. (Indeed, because her father would be implicated by any disclosure, you should consider discussing your quandary with him first, although this decision will depend on the nature of your relationship with him, and on whether you judge that conversation would be productive.) Bear in mind too that your friend would come to realize that her grief over the years was entwined in a misunderstanding. She may need to mourn again.

Assessing these pros and cons of speaking up now, you should ask this question: If you were in your friend’s situation, would you want to know the full story? That may help you answer a second question: Will your friend be better off, once she has time to reflect, if you belatedly tell her now? You know her well. You can only be guided by your intuitions here. If your answer to these two questions is yes, then the reasons I’ve identified for keeping quiet would be outweighed by the potential benefit: deepening her understanding of what must remain a harrowing event in her life.

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: confused

conuly

Dear Annie: Six months ago, my dad passed away. My frustration is that my sister and her husband refuse to tell their 6-year-old daughter. I understand that grief is very personal for everyone. But her decision to withhold his death is affecting my family. My niece is not allowed inside our house, for fear she might ask about her grandpop. My young children are not allowed to speak about their grandpop in her presence — no memories, no references whatsoever.

I have confronted my sister about my concerns, and she told me that they'll parent the way that they want to. I agree that they have that right. But it's been six months, and she still is telling my children they cannot talk about their grandfather in their cousin's presence. She has started to exclude us from family activities for fear that my children will mention his name and/or disclose his death to their cousin. My children are old enough to realize it is wrong, and a rift is growing at a rapid rate. I have spoken to my personal therapist, the hospice therapist and my daughter's therapist. All three can't comprehend my sister's actions. — Heartbroken

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conuly

Dear Amy: Less than two weeks ago, my mother passed away after a battle with cancer. She was a wonderful mother to my sisters and me, and though my grieving began with her diagnoses, I'm devastated that she's gone.

Our father passed away four years ago, and, like my mother he was a wonderful parent.

For the past year I've been living with my boyfriend and his 93-year-old mother. We've broken up a few times over the past 20 years, and -- suffice it to say, he's been verbally and physically abusive. He is also charming, humorous, adventurous, (sometimes) kind, and is very handsome.

He has always lived with his mother, and she is often insulting, judgmental, and meddlesome.

Three years ago, my boyfriend was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer. He's been enormously strong mentally and physically; however, with each passing month, the cancer is taking its toll.

I'm so conflicted; I want to leave this relationship, as I question why I have fallen back into its tentacles over and over again.

How do I leave this man when he's suffering from terminal cancer?

-- Conflicted

( Amy, no! )

minoanmiss

My mom just called to ask for advice. She hired a new office manager, “Jane,” a few months ago. Yesterday Jane left for lunch and never came back. She had some performance issues, so my mom thinks she may have quit, but she’s also worried Jane might be in a ditch somewhere. Jane hasn’t answered the phone or text messages. I gave her advice about filing a missing person report, mailing the last paycheck, etc. (I’m a lawyer), but beyond that I didn’t know what to say. Would it be weird to go to Jane’s house and check on her? Is there anything else she should do?

Some people do quit jobs by just leaving at lunch and never coming back, so it’s possible that that’s what happened.

But it’s also possible that something terrible happened and Jane is in a hospital or worse.
While that may be less likely, it’s enough of a risk that you don’t want to just say “oh well, I guess she quit” and be done with it, in case it does turn out that something awful happened.
However, I wouldn’t advise that an employer go to an employee’s house to check on them. If she did quit, it’s going to feel awfully intrusive to have her employer show up there. Plus, there’s not much you can do if the person doesn’t answer the door — at that point you still won’t know any more than you do now.

What I’d do is this:

First, call her and leave a voicemail saying, “We’re concerned that you didn’t return from lunch today. We’re worried about your welfare. Would you please contact us so that we know you’re okay?” (In a case like this one where it seems plausible that the person just walked off the job, you could add this: “If you don’t want to return, we’ll make arrangements to get you your paycheck and wrap up other loose ends. But primarily we’re concerned about your safety.”) If you don’t hear from the person in a reasonable time period, call again and this time say, “We’re really worried about whether you’re okay and we’re going to send the police to your home to do a welfare check, so please let us know if that’s not necessary.”

Then, call the police, explain that someone didn’t return to work when expected and that you’re concerned for her safety. Ask if it’s possible for them to do a welfare check, where they go by her house and make sure she’s okay. There have been stories on this site about people who were found dead in their homes as a result of work-initiated police welfare checks, so if you genuinely worry about her safety, this is worth doing.

Of course, you might not do this if you work in a field where no-shows are really common. But they’re not in most professional fields.

Asking for a welfare check might end up being annoying to a person who just wanted to quit their job without hassle, but that’s a consequence of disappearing with no explanation. And it’s worth risking annoying someone in case something else did happen.