agonyaunt | Entries tagged with adult offspring

Dear Carolyn: My father is ill and wants me to reconcile with my twin sister, who is mentally, physically and financially abusive to me to the point of my cutting her entirely out of my life a couple of years ago. He insists we repair our relationship, which I view as irreparable given her boundary issues and continued abuses. I won’t do it.
But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.

I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.

— Twin

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conuly

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: As soon as I graduate next spring with my bachelor’s degree, I intend to enter the convent of the religious order that taught at my high school. I had wanted to enter at the end of my senior year there, but my parents insisted I go to a four-year-co-ed college at least 100 miles from home, so I would have to live there so I would have “the full college experience”.

I have not liked having to wait, but since my vocation came to me when I was 15, I have known what I must and will do and I do not resent my parents’ asking this delay of me.

I know my parents continue to hope I will meet some nice guy and fall in love with him and decide I do not want to enter religious life. But I dated a couple of those nice guys, and there were zero sparks. All this entire experience did was to confirm my devotion to my chosen life.

It is obvious this all greatly bugs my parents, and I hate that part of it, but I have a calling, and that ultimately cannot be pushed aside or denied. Life outside the order would be miserable for me.

I know my parents are praying this will be the year I change my mind, but I will not. I know that.

What more can I do to convince my parents I am doing what is best for me and what will make me happy? --- HAVE MY CALLING

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: I am a 26-year-old man and don’t feel like I can unload this on anyone I know. My parents’ divorce is ripping me up. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears at random moments of the day. My mom left my dad because she found out he’d been cheating with an 18-year-old girl, so the divorce is messy. Dad is alone in their gigantic house, gutted because it’s over with his girlfriend and he lost my mom to a short, stupid affair. He wants to save their marriage, but my mom won’t even talk to him, and he’s going crazy. My mom is heartbroken and wrecked in her own way and has moved to my aunt’s.

I’m splitting my time visiting them both two or three times a week. I feel responsible to check on them, more so my dad because he’s so depressed. It’s scary, but I am losing hope that things can get better for any of us.

When I’m not working or with them, I read and work out to stay busy, but it’s not helping. It sounds pathetic, but I just wish someone would pat me on the back and tell me it’s all gonna be okay. I don’t believe it anymore because I lost the family and childhood home I knew. I am trying to avoid self-pity, but I don’t see a good outcome.

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conuly

1. Dear Eric: My daughter-in-law wants a much closer relationship with me than I feel comfortable with. She began calling me “mom” when she and my son first got engaged. I’ve told her several times that I would prefer to be called by my first name, but she still calls me mom.

A few months after the wedding, she began dropping by my house unannounced. I asked her to stop; she acted like I was kidding. The issue came to a head one day when she dropped by while I was in the shower. She let herself in with a key she had copied from my son’s keychain. I let my anger get the best of me and I spoke harshly to her. Later that day she sent a long email about how hurt she is that I “play favorites” by allowing my college-age son to come and go as he pleases, but I want her to call first.

Now she is pregnant, and it’s gotten worse. She texts me multiple times a day in the voice of the baby. “Good Mowning Grammy! I kept my mommy up all night with the burpies. Did my daddy ever do that when he was in your belly?” She wants me and her mother to go to her appointments and be in the delivery room. I have no idea how to manage my relationship with her in a way that doesn’t cause strife in my son’s marriage.

– Overwhelmed by Affection

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2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband has been sharp-edged as long as I have known him, and I have known him for nearly 40 years.

Our son learned at a young age that his father is not the easiest guy to put up with, but also that underneath it all, he is a good man, a good provider, loves his family above everything else, and would do anything to keep us safe and sound.

My daughter-in-law grew up in what couldn’t be a more different family. Her parents are quiet, soft-spoken, and the sort who, even with a family of six kids, apparently never yelled or lost their temper. (Although I find that hard to believe!)

The last time we all got together, her family and ours, my husband made a comment about how soft our son and daughter-in-law were being on their toddler. She has no limits, and I agree she gets away with many things our kids never would have so much as tried.

My daughter-in-law got very offended, and she and my husband got into a row about how children should be raised. He basically told her she was doing it all wrong, that children need limits and discipline, and she called him a nasty old man who terrorized his own son when he was growing up.

I tried to make some sort of peace, but the visit ended with us leaving their house and my daughter-in-law saying we were not to be anywhere near her daughter because she was afraid my husband would yell at her or worse if she did anything any normal toddler would do.

I know my husband would never hurt his granddaughter, and I have been her most regular babysitter. Now I am barred from doing what I love in caring for her and what I know gave our son and his wife a break they, like any young parents, require.

Do you think it is fair that I am being punished because my husband spoke his mind? --- I DID NOTHING WRONG

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3. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have been catching it from my wife and daughter about my not wanting to change diapers or bathe or feed my new granddaughter.

Truth is my wife did all those things for our own babies without hardly any help from me because the nature of my work meant she had to carry most of the childcare load. Even when I got out of the service while our kids were still little, I went to work for a long-haul trucking company, which I stayed at until I retired.

I have tried to pitch in some when we have our granddaughter over, but I get told I am not doing it right, so between that and being lacking in experience, I find it is much easier to step back and let the ladies do their thing. And then I get in trouble for that too!

I really do want to help, especially because this is my chance to do the baby duty I missed out on all those years ago. But what is a new Grandpa to do? --- NEW GRANDPA

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: I am uncomfortable about being touched. I have been this way all my life. As a child, my parents forced me to hug and kiss relatives, and if I protested, I was reprimanded. I remember being dragged and pushed toward people.

After I became an adult, I decided to tell people I no longer want to be hugged or kissed. While most people respect that, my parents do not. They hug me even more often now, and think it's funny. They laugh as they do it and say, "Oh, you don't like this, do you?!"

When I protest, they start with the guilt trip, telling me they are my parents and they are allowed to touch me. My mother gives an exaggerated sigh and looks down like a child who's been deprived of a toy.

They can't get it through their heads that this is about me, and not them. They have told me that I've "gone weird," but this isn't something new. As a child, I couldn't speak up because I was chastised for it. How can I get them to respect my boundaries? I don't want to start a feud, as they are good to me in every other way, but I'm starting to dread seeing them. -- KEEP OFF IN SCOTLAND

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conuly

A few years ago, we gave our daughter, now 18, a stuffed bear for her birthday. At the time, we had recently discovered she had a boyfriend whom she was hiding from us. It was quite a shock. We wanted to be able to keep a closer eye on what she was doing without breaking her trust, so we installed a hidden camera inside the eye of the stuffed bear. Our daughter is now in college, and we overheard her telling her roommate how grateful she was for our trust in her and our support. We have been racked with guilt ever since. How can we tell our daughter about the camera without destroying our relationship with her? Should we tell her at all?

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conuly

Dear Pay Dirt,

Everyone in my family is an academic achiever except me. Despite tests showing high intelligence, my grades were terrible. Decades later, I learned I had an undiagnosed, learning disability. I never told my family. When I was 7, I misunderstood a gift and spent $20 on a bunch of candy instead of returning the change. Because of that, my family thinks I’m bad with money.

My parents also bailed me out of credit card debt in college, but I haven’t taken their money since. My family never lets me pick up a check because they believe I’m poor. I don’t discuss my finances because they don’t believe me. My husband and I have a combined income in the mid-six figures with over seven figures in savings. (I outearn one of my siblings!) My family tried to stop us from buying a house and sending our kids to private school.

During estate planning, my parents allocated me more money than my siblings because they think I’ll need it. One sibling wants me to get it because they don’t want to be financially responsible for me and the other is complaining that my parents are punishing them for being responsible. It’s not my fault my family never updated their views, and if they think I need “special help,” then it’s ethical to accept it, right? I’m not lying to or deceiving anyone.

—You Can’t Handle the Truth

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conuly

1. DEAR ABBY: I am 76. My husband and I planned our final wishes for cremation because I have had a lifelong fear of being buried underground. My children from my first marriage are Jewish and very much against cremation. When I told them my wishes, they attacked me with a barrage of negatives about cremation, such as, "You won't go to heaven," "You won't see your deceased mother or grandson in heaven," "We won't be able to say kaddish for you," etc., so I immediately changed my plans. My husband and I purchased side-by-side crypts, thinking it was an acceptable alternative.

I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA

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2. Around a decade ago, my mom informed each of her children that she and my stepfather put a codicil in their wills disinheriting any of their children married to someone not recognized as Jewish by her local Orthodox Rabbinate.

I believe a will is not just about money; it’s also an expression of values and love. I have strongly objected to this codicil, or more specifically, to her having informed us about it: The two are thereby using their wealth as an implicit weapon in service of their religious views.

She says I’m reading too much into it. She claims she informed us in the name of “transparency,” so we wouldn’t be surprised later, and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases, anyway — though she concedes that she also informed us in case it may influence decisions we make.

I’ve since married someone who fits her definition of a Jew, so the codicil doesn’t apply to me. Still, I have three middle-aged siblings who are all not religious and unmarried, and I think they remain so at least partially because they’re stuck, unable to both follow their hearts and avoid betraying my mother’s love — and its most powerful signifier, her will. Is she right to have the codicil? And to have told us about it? — Name Withheld

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a mom to two boys: “Will,” who is 20, and “James,” who is 18. James has always been a nice, shy, rule-following kiddo. A bit of a goody-two-shoes, even. I always assumed that at some point, James would break out of his shell and rebel. However, that hasn’t ever happened and now I’m wondering if I should be worried.

James is a first-year at the same college his brother attends. I’ve been trying to encourage Will to bring James to parties with him and get him to enjoy himself and make the most of all that college has to offer. Unfortunately, Will says that James isn’t interested. Instead, James seems to focus on his schoolwork and G-rated hobbies like reading and playing the piano. He has a thing for a guy in one of his classes, but is too nervous to approach him. I don’t think he’s ever gotten drunk or high or had sex.

I look back on my own college years and have fond memories of the freedom of student life. I’m sad that James might not have those same experiences. I’m also slightly worried, because it’s normal and healthy for kids his age to rebel. It makes me wonder if there’s something I should be concerned about. Could he be depressed? Have we not done enough as parents to ensure that it is safe and encouraged for him to rebel? Is he just a late bloomer?

— Too Good to Be True?

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conuly

Dear Carolyn: For years, my oldest son and his girlfriend said they would never get married; she was against it. Then, five years ago, she relented and they got married, by all accounts happily.

They are financially secure: well-paying jobs, no debt on their advanced degrees, a rental property they own outright, a manageable mortgage on their home, late-model cars.

Indeed, my son and his wife have worked hard, but we and the in-laws have also provided our ongoing support.

But there is a rub: Our daughter-in-law steadfastly refuses to consider having children — and our son stands by her decision.

Her reason — or the reason they are standing behind — is climate change. In her opinion, it would be the height of cruelty to bring a child into a world that faces such an apocalyptic and nihilistic future.

I will grant you that our country has this and other major problems. But there is an existential question here: What have my and my wife’s lives amounted to, if we have not inculcated a basic will to survive to the next generation?

To make matters more complicated, they channel all their time and energy into biking, hiking, rock-climbing, kayaking, etc. We despair that our younger children will make the same lifestyle choices — especially under the influence of their older sibling.

To many observers, it would seem our kids have been spoiled. And on some level, that is true. But the urge to face an uncertain future and procreate in the face of adversity is supposed to be part of the human condition.

Every generation faces some dire threat. My father’s generation was told to go shoot Hitler. My generation learned to “duck and cover” to avoid nuclear annihilation. How can climate change be worse? Any advice?

— Despairing

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conuly

Dear Therapist,

When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.

We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.

Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?

My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.

Thank you for any advice you have to offer.

Anonymous

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swingandswirl

Carolyn Hax: Brother has limited involvement with family. Can they make him change?

(Originally posted in 2008 and recently republished.)

Dear Carolyn: From late high school on, my younger brother has chosen to distance himself from family. My parents are Cuban, and we’re a pretty close family, with its share of Hispanic-mom guilt trips, manipulations, etc. My brother is supersmart, high school valedictorian, etc., so I think he felt marginalized at school. In college he really seemed to come out of his shell, and after graduating, he moved to Utah with his girlfriend. My mom was devastated that he moved so far from home (Texas). A couple of years later, they got married and moved to San Diego — more devastation for Mom.

I vacation with my parents at least every other year; my brother hasn't been on vacation with us in 12-plus years. He spends Christmas at his in-laws' house, Thanksgiving in San Diego and comes home maybe five days a year. He buys us expensive gifts, sends flowers for all the funerals, etc., but doesn't attend. My mom talks to him every Sunday. This is pretty much his level of involvement with the family. My mom lies to her friends because she doesn't want them to think badly of my bro.

After all that one-sided history, here’s the problem. My brother and his wife are having a baby soon. My mom, being one who has trouble holding in her opinions, already has expressed dismay that they’re having a natural birth with a midwife/doula, using cloth diapers, etc. I’ve calmed her worries, and expressed this to my brother, BUT he won’t let my mom come see the new baby for a month. This is killing my mom (she was at the hospital for both of my kids). Should there be a point where my brother just once allows the level of “family togetherness” that the rest of us expect?

— V.

( In which CH responds MUCH more diplomatically than I would have... )

conuly

Dear Amy: I’m responding to the letter from “Totally Confused Mom,” who has two adult daughters who won’t speak to her, claiming that they had terrible childhoods, and that one had suffered “trauma.”

You totally sided with these faux-victims. There is an epidemic of young people who, facing any challenge or adversity, claim they were “traumatized,” and blame the parents.

I can’t believe you fell for this.

– Outraged

Dear Outraged: If parents don’t expose and prepare younger children for struggle, setbacks, and failure, then as young adults they might perceive challenges as trauma.

On the other hand, any parent who believes they’ve provided their children with an ideal childhood needs to dig a little deeper.

HomeTribune Premium ContentAdviceAsk Amy: Advice for the real worldAsk Amy: Doctor suspects child has autism
Ask Amy: Doctor suspects child has autism
Ask Amy: Advice for the real world December 9, 2021Child with autism. (Dreamstime)

Dear Amy: I am a physician and live far away from my family.

My niece has a 3-year-old daughter.

Between distance and COVID, I have seen my grandniece only rarely.

About six months ago, while I was visiting, my family united at my sister’s house. Our cousin is a speech pathologist and is familiar with signs of autism.

She recognized specific signs in my grandniece, but she refused to share that with my niece because of a lack of intimacy between them.

My family debated whether we should bring this up with my niece, and ultimately her mother (my sister, “Annie”), told her about our concerns.

It did not go well: it was viewed as an invasion of privacy and as ill-intentioned negativity.

Since then, we understand the child is in speech therapy (with a very young therapist who we fear may not have enough experience to recognize the broader issues).

Otherwise, we are not aware that there is any effort being made to address the issue, and both parents contribute to the denial and wall of privacy.

In family gatherings, when my grandniece doesn’t engage, it is brushed off as “She likes to be in her own world” or “she wasn’t interested in what you were doing.”

Since I am a physician (but not with relevant experience), I struggle with whether I should discuss this with my niece and her husband, and if so, how to approach them.

We are all concerned that the window of opportunity to intervene in a meaningful way in the child’s development may be closing.

– Concerned Uncle

Dear Concerned: Your family’s concern – and your sister’s choice to convey it to her daughter – has not backfired. The parents may have reacted poorly and defensively, but the child is seeing a speech therapist and that is a positive first step.

However, you family members should not put these parents in a defensive crouch by judging their child’s behavior and diagnosing her during brief holiday visits.

As a physician and the child’s great-uncle, you are in an ideal position to continue to express interest in this young girl’s development.

You can do this through gentle and supportive questions posed to the parents. You start by noting positive aspects: “Look at how well she’s growing. Six months makes such a big difference!”

Then you can consider taking it further: “My sister said she’s seeing a speech therapist. What’s that like? How do you think it’s going?” You might then add, “Have you ever run this past cousin Rachel? You know that she is a speech pathologist. She might be helpful if you have questions.”

You can also say, “We doctors don’t always communicate so well; is your pediatrician good at answering your questions?”

If you present yourself as a supportive, interested and objective family member, these parents might lighten up and utilize you as a sounding board and resource.

Dear Amy: My husband has been involved with a former college classmate (female) who he reconnected with at a reunion a couple of years ago.

They are in touch every weekend, sometimes texting back and forth for hours.

When I have expressed alarm about this, he offers to show me their text exchanges, but I don’t want to start a fight.

Then he accuses me of not trusting him.

Can you help me find a way out?

– Upset

Dear Upset: Spontaneously take your husband up on his offer to view his text exchanges.

Also, because you don’t seem to trust him, his accusation is correct.

You should be brave enough to risk discovering whatever answers emerge from discussing this with your husband.

Dear Amy: Responding to the letter from “Totally Confused Mom,” whose adult daughters have turned on her, people today in their 20s and 30s all seem to have mental stress, trauma, anxiety, other issues with fancy names – and, of course, the source of their problems is always their parents!

Well blame has to be assigned somewhere and who better than the people who gave them all they could and would do anything for them?

How about we look at the other possible source for all the problems: too much screen time, less human interaction, almost no physical work except the fancy expensive gyms, more time to invent various problems and then, of course, blame parents.

Parents are not wrong all the time.

How about we sometimes ask the young people in their 20s and 30s to grow up and act like adults, and stop blaming others?

Now I dare you to blame the parents!

– Very Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Who raised all of these tender softies?

https://tribunecontentagency.com/article/ask-amy-homemakers-devotion-is-waste-of-a-good-career/

https://tribunecontentagency.com/article/ask-amy-doctor-suspects-child-has-autism/

Original letter: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/ask-amy-daughters-say-their-childhood-was-traumatic-their-mother-is-devastated/2021/11/19/6719a2b8-471c-11ec-b8d9-232f4afe4d9b_story.html

conuly

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 40 years.

We have two daughters in their 30s.

I happily was a stay-at-home mom, and my husband was a busy physician. Although busy, he and I never missed a sporting or school event that our daughters participated in.

We traveled, gave them every opportunity in life, and they had a wonderful childhood.

Or so we thought.

My youngest informed me last night that she had some “childhood trauma” (she couldn’t give me an example) that she is going into therapy for.

She also informed me that her older sister told her that she had a horrible childhood.

My oldest has in the past been very disrespectful and dismissive of both my husband and me. She has never provided a reason for her attitude.

She is mother to our only grandchildren, whom we adore.

Could her father and I have gotten it so wrong?

I’m beyond devastated. Thoughts?

– Totally Confused Mom

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purlewe

( Longing for time alone on Dear Prudie )

minoanmiss

Prudie's Crowdsourced Answer to yesterday's parenting question. ( Read more... )

conuly

Q. Stuck in the middle: My father has always been a smart aleck who loves practical jokes and discreetly needling people. My husband has been one of his favorite targets for stupid pranks and comments about his choice in clothing, hairstyle, shoes, or whatever else stands out. For many years, I’ve warned my father that my husband disliked him and that his behavior was causing real animus.

It never registered for him until recently, when my husband—whom I had never previously seen angry—lost it completely. One moment we were saying hello, then my dad said something, and then my husband got in his face, shoved him up against a wall, and put a fist straight through the brick work, all while roaring death threats. My father was absolutely terrified and is now deeply upset and demanding an apology. My husband, meanwhile, is completely unrepentant, blames me for not managing my parents, and is refusing to ever speak to or see that side of my family again. He has also said that he does not want our children exposed to them again and inferred that should I wish to contest, that we can discuss it in a custody hearing.

I am angry with both of them. My father sort of had it coming, but my husband has no business threatening to kill a 76-year-old man, which he does every time I mention his name. That divorce is starting to look pretty damn tempting, as is never seeing my father again, but I love everybody involved and really want to resolve this. What can I do? Am I in the wrong here for asking my husband to deal with my dad? Does my dad actually deserve an apology? Is there a universe where I get to knock both their heads together repeatedly?

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: I am getting married, and my fiance's daughters, 19 and 21, are in the wedding party. I have purchased the dresses they are wearing, which are light and flowing. I have told the girls that on the day of the wedding I do not want them wearing thong underwear. The older one then went to her dad and said she didn't want to wear regular underwear. He told her she could wear whatever she wants. I have tried telling them that as young ladies there are times you don't wear thongs, and under a flowing dress is one of them. It's ONE DAY of their lives. How can I get my point across? -- WISE BRIDE IN PHOENIX

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conuly

Hi, Carolyn: I have been estranged from my son for about 12 years; he refuses to have any contact with me. It was his decision soon after I divorced his mother.

Ironically, a few years after that, my son was divorced from his first wife. He is now remarried. I learned recently he and his second wife just had a baby, my granddaughter.

I am thinking of corresponding with his wife to convince her that I should be able to see my granddaughter. Such attempts could create friction in my son's marriage.

Should I try to convince my daughter-in-law that I should be able to see my granddaughter or just wait for a time my son might seek reconciliation?

— L.

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conuly

Dear Prudence,

My stepmother spent my childhood cutting me down to build her daughter up. Any accomplishment of mine was nothing, and anything my stepsister did was celebrated. I would get straight A’s, and I got lectured. My stepsister managed not to completely fail her honor classes, and she got a party. I dropped out of college to pursue a career in a technical field; my stepsister failed out completely. She currently works in retail but plans on pursuing a master’s degree.

I got a promotion at work and threw a small gathering to celebrate. My stepmother started to belittle me, saying any “idiot” could work at my company and that it was all busywork. I told her that at least I wasn’t stupid enough to have over $75,000 in college loans and working for minimum wage. I left school with a 3.8 GPA, and my company was offering to pay for me to finish it. I told her to leave—I wasn’t going to listen to her while she ate my cake. My father told me I couldn’t speak to his wife like that. I told him to leave too. My stepsister was in the next room. I wasn’t thinking about her; I just wanted to stand up to my stepmother. My stepsister announced to the room that what I had said was 100 percent true, and she congratulated me. Then she left. I haven’t spoken to anyone in my family. My parents can go rot for all I care, but I know I owe my stepsister an apology. We aren’t close, but she did not deserve that. Every time I try to get the right words out, they get tangled up in resentment and regret.

—Constant Comparison

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I received a worrisome email from our 20-something-year-old son, a graduate student some distance away. He wrote that he is recovering from wounds of his childhood. (We thought we were loving, supportive parents.) He indicated he will come home for visits only if we comply with his demands -- about 10 were listed -- and accused us of some things we never did.

On the advice of my counselor -- I have a history of depression, which is in remission -- I wrote agreeing to his demands in order to keep the lines of communication open. My husband refuses to do this. He is overwhelmingly hurt, angry and frustrated. He says he will not walk on eggshells in his own home. Our son is our only child. What can or should we do? -- HEARTBROKEN IN OHIO

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conuly

Dear Annie: It seems impossible for me to mend my relationship with my son. He is 38, and I am 68. Back when he was 22, he came out of the closet and told us he was gay. It took me nearly two years to accept that, and two years of hardly talking. Finally, I accepted it -- with a few years of counseling. My son and I got along for a while. But a few years ago, Ohio passed legislation legalizing same-sex marriage. To me that was a big no-no, because men don't marry men. I let him know, big-time, that I was against it. But he found someone to officiate the marriage and marry him and his partner. He even got the marriage license. But he didn't get married through a traditional church.

I told him I would never accept it, and that I hoped his marriage fails. Of course, he didn't like that at all. Even after my counseling and apologizing, and being sorry for my beliefs, still I cannot change how I feel; nor will he change his beliefs. I want him to put this one thought aside and agree to disagree. For two years, he and his husband have wanted nothing to do with me at all! He still talks to his mom and his brother, but only because they want no animosity between them. -- Frustrated Dad

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lilysea

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a woman for the last 30 years. Our children are the same age. My daughter, who is in her late 20s, has a number of tattoos on her arm that she can cover with clothing if she chooses. However, she doesn't cover them often because she likes them and they mean something to her.

Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.

I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS

DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.

minoanmiss

Dear Carolyn: In my childhood, criticism from my parents was the constant theme. My grades were never good enough, my room was never clean enough, whatever. As a result, I feel little to no affection for my parents now that I’m an adult, and I don’t spend much time with them or talk to them much. I just don’t like them very much.

However, some people who know this say I’m going to regret distancing myself from them when they’re gone. Do you think that’s true? Should I make more of an effort to spend more time with them now so I don’t regret it later?

— Criticized

Criticized: Your friends would regret distancing themselves, if they were in your position. That doesn’t mean you will.

So, no, I don’t think that is universally true that distance equals regrets.

However, I do believe that seeing parents as people, instead of just as parents, is a more useful way to determine how to adapt your relationship with them over time.

What you describe of your parents is a child’s view of people who, apparently, thought that being a parent meant being strict and teachy all the time. I agree with you that it’s a cold way to go, and tough to forgive, but there are other aspects of parenthood that could provide a fuller and fairer picture. Were their parents that way with them? Was the culture around them one of “seen and not heard” and “spare the rod” orthodoxy? Did they tend not to question things about life in general, their parenting views among them? Was one of them softer but not strong enough to counteract the other?

And: What did they become after their active child-rearing years were over? Did they remain locked in a cold orthodoxy, or did they bloom a little when the weight of responsibility was removed? Are they trying to get to know you now, or are you still 12 to them?

Do you know them all that well as people, or did you distance yourself effectively enough that your last real impression of them was formed as you fled their home after high school?

I ask these questions entirely without judgment. People have their natural, even reflexive ways of looking out for their own health, and kids of unhappy childhoods can even have this need as their central motivation. It makes sense.

But when you get to the point where you’re asking whether this is the right way to go, my inclination is to suggest that you keep asking questions and see where your inquiry leads you. If you don’t feel up to digging all that out, that’s reasonable. Your prerogative. It might also make sense to spend a few sessions with a skilled therapist.

And it might be liberating just to try, once or twice, with no great expectations, to talk to your parents with a different image of them in mind as you do it.

They’re people. Possibly kind of stunted people who meant no harm but had no clue. People who might have interesting things to say if you asked them different questions, and/or with a different objective in mind. Not “I want them to say they’re sorry” or “I want just once for them to be warm and welcoming,” but maybe “I want to see them how their friends do,” or one of my favorite suggestions from a long-ago chatter, “I want to approach them as an anthropologist would and see what I find out.”

kaberett

( Massive, massive dysfunction. )

cereta

DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old daughter suffers from Peter Pan Syndrome. Three years out of college, she wants to live an "extended dorm" lifestyle with other young men/women (and their girlfriends/boyfriends), instead of settling down and moving out with her boyfriend of two years.

She says she has "a high need for affiliation" (she needs a lot of people around 24/7). But she also has a high need for change/variety and rotates roommates every two to three years. Looking for a "mini commune" in a crowded city like San Francisco is very difficult. What makes matters worse is that she also has hobbies like sewing that require a lot of space.

Is there something wrong with this lifestyle preference? And if so, how do I help her break out of it? -- WORRIED DAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DAD: At 25, your daughter is an adult. Many people her age live communally because it's less costly than living independently, and San Francisco has become so expensive that it's often their only option.

If she's already living in an "extended dorm" situation, it's her life to live and she'll learn lessons. If you feel compelled to offer her advice, suggest they relocate to a less expensive and crowded area, which may entail a longer commute, but with fewer roommates she will have more room for her hobbies.

cereta

( Patriarchy like whoa, and some arguably creepy behavior )

cereta

( Pretty much what it says in the subject )

cereta

Note: I tried for five minutes to come up with a neutral way to phrase this trigger warning, and it's just not there. This was the best I could do.

( Unwanted Parenthood/Parental Absence )