Agony Aunt

Source.

Dear Prudence,

I am the president of a local community organization founded originally by immigrants of a certain ethnic group (think: the Something-American Society). I have been involved with the organization for many years and it is a central component of my social life. We host a number of events annually that draw people from all backgrounds and bring a lot of joy to the community. While there is not an explicit rule that members of the board of directors are from this ethnic background, currently everyone (myself included) is fully or partially of that descent. Or so I thought.

My elderly father, curious to learn more about our ancestry, recently purchased a popular DNA testing kit. I didn’t think that anything would come as a surprise since for my entire life my family has passed down recipes and heirlooms from the aforementioned ethnic group, so I was shocked to receive a phone call from him that we are actually from a different background entirely. Complicating matters, these two groups have a longstanding history of animosity toward each other, with members of their U.S. diaspora having wildly different experiences in regard to treatment and discrimination. Not only has my identity been shaken, as this element of it was very personally significant to me, but I am torn as to how to approach it in regard to the position I hold in this local organization.

Nothing about me or my ability to lead and participate in the group has changed, but I worry that not disclosing this discovery is dishonest. If I do disclose, however, I worry that my standing in the group could be, at worst, compromised, or, at best, confusing to others who may be interested in convening with those who share a similar background. I have not shared this with anyone yet other than my husband, because while there are individuals in this organization I have known for years and do trust, our town is relatively small and gossip is inevitable. Do I have an ethical obligation to disclose these findings? I want to handle this with integrity, but this group means a lot to me, and the thought of my relationship to it changing because of this is painful. How should I proceed?

—Problematic President

Dear President,

What a shock! I think you should choose one or two especially trusted members of this organization—ideally who also hold leadership roles—and disclose your discovery to them in private. This is a delicate matter, and not something that will be well-served to be litigated out in a public arena immediately. It’s definitely the ethical choice to disclose, but I also think that keeping this under wraps will be personally torturous for you (and will impede your own journey toward processing the news). Your sense of self has been shattered—it’s not the time to keep secrets.

Talk with these trusted colleagues and take their guidance on how to approach your role with the organization moving forward (or communicating the discovery to a wider audience). Then I would recommend that you find a therapist—ideally someone with experience with patients working through their racial and ethnic identity—to figure out how to reassemble your sense of self. This is a life-changing paradigm shift, and even if you’re no longer to serve in this organization in the exact same professional capacity, I have faith that the personal relationships you’ve cultivated with your colleagues can still be a source of support as you embark down this unfamiliar road. It’s a chance for them to walk the walk about supporting people from all backgrounds and the wider world; maybe you’re no longer part of the “tribe,” but you are still a part of the community.

I would also encourage you to spend some time researching your family tree on your own, if it’s possible. This DNA test has raised major questions about your lineage, but it can’t tell you the whole story, and I think more information will help you rebuild a new sense of identity. It seems odd that your family would pass down recipes or heirlooms with absolutely no direct association with the ethnic group in question; perhaps there are cultural similarities or even more nuanced ties between both groups that can give you a clearer understanding of what it means to be who you are.

Dear Amy: My daughter and son-in-law are expecting their first child. My husband has a granddaughter, but this will be MY first grandchild. My husband and I have been together for more than 16 years and have helped raise each other’s children.

I love his granddaughter and I don’t want her feelings to be hurt by announcing on social media that I am expecting my first grandchild. She is 8 years old and knows that I am her father’s stepmother, but I still don’t want to hurt her. Whenever she comes over, my husband and I both spoil her (like grandparents should), but she has always favored her “Papa.”

The problem for me is that I am much younger than my husband, and I didn’t want my social media friends to think that I was old enough to have an 8-year-old grandchild.

How can I say that I am expecting my first grandchild without making her feel like she doesn’t count?

— Grandma to Be

Dear Grandma: I appreciate your sensitivity about this situation, but I have news for you — you are already a “Grandma.” You have been one for the past eight years, and for you to try to find a way to deny this now that you are about to have a “real” grandchild in your life is all about your own vanity.

Your young granddaughter wouldn’t be the only person surprised (and possibly hurt) by the revelation that she isn’t your grandchild. Her parents, especially the parent you “helped to raise,” would likely be quite wounded.

I could also venture a guess that the reason your granddaughter has always favored her “Papa” is because you are signaling to her in a variety of ways that she is a placeholder for the real grandchild who will someday come along and claim your heart.

I became a grandmother quite young — at least it seemed so at the time, because I wasn’t prepared for this life stage. But family comes to you in different ways and at different times, whether or not you’re ready (or “old enough”) for it.

And so now the thing to do is to take to social media to announce your joy at the birth of your second grandchild.