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[personal profile] conuly
This is weirdly similar to this other letter, which makes me wonder if one or both might be fake

DEAR ABBY: My niece "Alyssa," an only child, is on the kidney transplant list. When I had my DNA tested, I learned that my brother had fathered another child. The information and facts this woman ("Bree") has provided ring true and are very believable. I have no doubt Bree is his daughter.

Unfortunately, my irresponsible brother turned his back on this daughter. Bree does not want to pursue a relationship with him or with me. She did have some questions related to health issues because she has children of her own. My brother and I haven't spoken for 10 years, mainly because of how poorly he treated our late parents. Should I continue to honor Bree's request, or tell her about her half-sister who needs the transplant? -- INVOLVED AUNT IN FLORIDA


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cereta: Dark Tower landscape (DT landscape)
[personal profile] cereta
Source.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Twenty-four years ago, I cheated on my husband when we were going through a rough patch in our marriage. It was brief; I ultimately broke it off and reconciled with my husband. Not long after, I realized I was pregnant. My husband forgave me and said it didn’t matter who the baby’s father was. When I had my daughter, “Marigold,” we decided never to say anything to her or our other two kids, who were 3 and 5 at the time.

This Christmas, my older daughter gave Marigold and her brother each one of those AncestryDNA testing kits as gifts. My husband passed away two years ago, and he was the only father Marigold has ever known; my older children have never learned about the affair.

I am at a crossroads here: I honestly have no idea whether Marigold’s biological father was my husband or the man I had an affair with. If I keep quiet and the test shows that my husband wasn’t Marigold’s father, it will send shock waves through the family, but if I tell Marigold about my affair and it turns out my husband was her father after all, I’m afraid it will tear the family apart all the same. Do I say nothing and keep my fingers crossed that the test will show that my husband was Marigold’s father, or should I tell her the truth before the kids get their results back? Please help!

—Regretting My Past

Dear Regretting,

I understand your dilemma—what a tense moment around the tree that must have been for you!—but I assure you there is no possible justification for saying anything to your kids, unless the DNA test shows that your husband wasn’t Marigold’s biological father. No good can come from telling them about this complicated chapter in your marriage if you don’t have to. While his willingness to raise her was a testament to his commitment to you, there’s no need for Marigold to know that her father never knew for sure if she was his biological child. If you need to talk to someone while you wait in agony for the results, pick one of your friends. Hopefully, you’ll be able to let sleeping dogs lie.

If the test reveals that Marigold has another father, you’ll need to be fully transparent with her and her siblings about the past. Be sure that they know that your husband willingly made the decision to stay in your marriage and love Marigold as his own. Apologize to them for the pain you’ve caused. Be honest about the challenges in your relationship that led to your infidelity; do not attempt to sanitize your husband’s part in the estrangement in the telling of this story. Support Marigold if she chooses to seek out your affair partner, and brace yourself for how he might react if he didn’t know that he may have fathered your child. If things go this way, it will be tumultuous, to say the least, but I believe that with patience and love, your family will make it through.

—Jamilah
cereta: Classic silhouette of Nancy Drew (Nancy silhouette)
[personal profile] cereta
Source.

Dear Prudence,

I am the president of a local community organization founded originally by immigrants of a certain ethnic group (think: the Something-American Society). I have been involved with the organization for many years and it is a central component of my social life. We host a number of events annually that draw people from all backgrounds and bring a lot of joy to the community. While there is not an explicit rule that members of the board of directors are from this ethnic background, currently everyone (myself included) is fully or partially of that descent. Or so I thought.

My elderly father, curious to learn more about our ancestry, recently purchased a popular DNA testing kit. I didn’t think that anything would come as a surprise since for my entire life my family has passed down recipes and heirlooms from the aforementioned ethnic group, so I was shocked to receive a phone call from him that we are actually from a different background entirely. Complicating matters, these two groups have a longstanding history of animosity toward each other, with members of their U.S. diaspora having wildly different experiences in regard to treatment and discrimination. Not only has my identity been shaken, as this element of it was very personally significant to me, but I am torn as to how to approach it in regard to the position I hold in this local organization.

Nothing about me or my ability to lead and participate in the group has changed, but I worry that not disclosing this discovery is dishonest. If I do disclose, however, I worry that my standing in the group could be, at worst, compromised, or, at best, confusing to others who may be interested in convening with those who share a similar background. I have not shared this with anyone yet other than my husband, because while there are individuals in this organization I have known for years and do trust, our town is relatively small and gossip is inevitable. Do I have an ethical obligation to disclose these findings? I want to handle this with integrity, but this group means a lot to me, and the thought of my relationship to it changing because of this is painful. How should I proceed?

—Problematic President

Dear President,

What a shock! I think you should choose one or two especially trusted members of this organization—ideally who also hold leadership roles—and disclose your discovery to them in private. This is a delicate matter, and not something that will be well-served to be litigated out in a public arena immediately. It’s definitely the ethical choice to disclose, but I also think that keeping this under wraps will be personally torturous for you (and will impede your own journey toward processing the news). Your sense of self has been shattered—it’s not the time to keep secrets.

Talk with these trusted colleagues and take their guidance on how to approach your role with the organization moving forward (or communicating the discovery to a wider audience). Then I would recommend that you find a therapist—ideally someone with experience with patients working through their racial and ethnic identity—to figure out how to reassemble your sense of self. This is a life-changing paradigm shift, and even if you’re no longer to serve in this organization in the exact same professional capacity, I have faith that the personal relationships you’ve cultivated with your colleagues can still be a source of support as you embark down this unfamiliar road. It’s a chance for them to walk the walk about supporting people from all backgrounds and the wider world; maybe you’re no longer part of the “tribe,” but you are still a part of the community.

I would also encourage you to spend some time researching your family tree on your own, if it’s possible. This DNA test has raised major questions about your lineage, but it can’t tell you the whole story, and I think more information will help you rebuild a new sense of identity. It seems odd that your family would pass down recipes or heirlooms with absolutely no direct association with the ethnic group in question; perhaps there are cultural similarities or even more nuanced ties between both groups that can give you a clearer understanding of what it means to be who you are.
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
The first is under a cut because it's awful, the second is under a cut for solidarity.

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**************************


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conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Therapist,

When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born—too long ago to get the procedure reversed.

We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.

Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?

My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.

Thank you for any advice you have to offer.

Anonymous


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cereta: antique pen on paper (Anjesa-pen and paper)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Amy: I am one of the many who have found a half-sibling through DNA testing. The birth mother never told my father that she was pregnant, and the child was put up for adoption over 50 years ago.

I told my dad about this and he reacted by getting angry and stopping the conversation by telling me to not have contact with the new half-sibling. I gave it a few months and gently brought it up again, only to be shut down right away. He does not wish to discuss it. I was going to ask him to tell my sibling that we have a newly discovered half-sibling out there, but I know that is out of the question.

I am excited about my new relative and would like to meet and get to know them. I wish my dad would be open to discussing this. Before moving forward, I would like to tell my other sibling about our new half-sibling. I am not sure if they will share my excitement but then they can decide if they'd like to pursue a relationship as well. I worry that I am going behind my dad's back and he'll be furious that I have shared his secret. The cat is already out of the bag; all it would take is another relative to take a DNA test for someone else to tell my sibling.

I am feeling quite anxious about having to keep this a secret. How do I tell my sibling that we have a half-sibling if our father is not open to discussing this? I'd like to move forward. I am feeling quite anxious about having to keep this a secret. How do I tell my sibling that we have a half-sibling if our father is not open to discussing this? I'd like to move forward.

-- Reluctant Secret Holder

Dear Reluctant: Your father had no knowledge of this child he fathered, so the existence of your half-sibling has not been a long-held secret. Don't hold this as a secret now.

Your father's response to this is completely understandable. He feels betrayed and, of course, he is unhappy about it. He does not want to face the imponderable complications of this possible relationship. He assumes it will upend your family, but, if anecdotal evidence I've collected on DNA discoveries is accurate, the toughest part of the experience is the anticipation. Your father will not give you permission to pursue this. Understand it and forgive him for his own reaction.

I suggest you take this in discreet stages. Keep your own expectations modest. After you make some initial contact with your half-sibling, tell your father that you are going to inform your other sibling. Reassure your father every step of the way, and if he refuses to discuss it, proceed on your own.
cereta: Laura Cereta (cereta)
[personal profile] cereta
Dear Amy: My daughter and son-in-law are expecting their first child. My husband has a granddaughter, but this will be MY first grandchild. My husband and I have been together for more than 16 years and have helped raise each other’s children.

I love his granddaughter and I don’t want her feelings to be hurt by announcing on social media that I am expecting my first grandchild. She is 8 years old and knows that I am her father’s stepmother, but I still don’t want to hurt her. Whenever she comes over, my husband and I both spoil her (like grandparents should), but she has always favored her “Papa.”

The problem for me is that I am much younger than my husband, and I didn’t want my social media friends to think that I was old enough to have an 8-year-old grandchild.

How can I say that I am expecting my first grandchild without making her feel like she doesn’t count?

— Grandma to Be

Dear Grandma: I appreciate your sensitivity about this situation, but I have news for you — you are already a “Grandma.” You have been one for the past eight years, and for you to try to find a way to deny this now that you are about to have a “real” grandchild in your life is all about your own vanity.

Your young granddaughter wouldn’t be the only person surprised (and possibly hurt) by the revelation that she isn’t your grandchild. Her parents, especially the parent you “helped to raise,” would likely be quite wounded.

I could also venture a guess that the reason your granddaughter has always favored her “Papa” is because you are signaling to her in a variety of ways that she is a placeholder for the real grandchild who will someday come along and claim your heart.

I became a grandmother quite young — at least it seemed so at the time, because I wasn’t prepared for this life stage. But family comes to you in different ways and at different times, whether or not you’re ready (or “old enough”) for it.

And so now the thing to do is to take to social media to announce your joy at the birth of your second grandchild.

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