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agonyaunt2020-09-04 11:07 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-09-04 11:07 am
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Dear Care & Feeding: My ex slept with the mother of my kid's best friend
(That's the setup to the real issue. I'm not good at summarizing these.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. Dee had been struggling since her husband left, and I was a naive fool and thought my ex was actually helping her with household repairs instead of banging her. I am trying to be strong for my daughter. She is struggling with why Daddy left and why she doesn’t see her friend anymore. I don’t know what to tell her other than “Mommy and Daddy love you but can’t live together anymore.”
I have explained that Dee and her daughter are just “busy.” We ran into Dee and her daughter in the park. Ally was excited and asked when she could come over. Dee said they would love to have her over, but it “depends on your mama.” She looked me in the eye and smiled. If my daughter hadn’t been there, I would have thrown my iced coffee in her face. I made some excuses, but since then Ally has been asking about going to see her friend. I don’t know how to handle this. I am trying just to get through the day without breaking down. Help me.
—Do I Need to Get Over This?
Dear DINtGOT,
I would have waited until my kid was out of earshot and thoroughly kicked Dee’s ass, so I think you handled yourself quite well indeed. Listen to some Loretta Lynn songs (the expert on lovin’ some utter loser of a man but not wanting another woman to steal him) and make a nice drink while we continue troubleshooting this.
You need to call your ain’t-shit ex. I’m very sorry. I want you to ask him if he is serious about Dee. Is Dee moving in? Does he see this as a serious relationship? Or, having stripped her drywall, is he off to the next damsel in distress?
This is important because you proceed very differently based on whether Dee is going to continue to be in her dad’s life. If Dee is here to stay, you’re going to have to see her and practice a very bland face and coordinate play dates (ideally not in your home) and say absolutely nothing that isn’t incredibly necessary, like “Your child is about to fall into a nest of vipers, Dee.”
If you instead get the read that Dee is already on her way out, I think it’s OK to prioritize your emotional health in the wake of a personal tragedy over a 6-year-old’s friendship (but, of course, this 6-year-old has just gone through her parents’ separation, and it’s very hard for everyone). I asked for my husband’s read on this one, and he said a mature 6-year-old could handle “Dee did something that hurt Mommy very badly, so we can’t play together anymore,” but I was worried that your daughter would waltz into school and disseminate this information. I think you can start with “They’re very busy” and also, get more busy yourselves. Find a new park, make some new little friends, and I wish you the very best of luck.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. Dee had been struggling since her husband left, and I was a naive fool and thought my ex was actually helping her with household repairs instead of banging her. I am trying to be strong for my daughter. She is struggling with why Daddy left and why she doesn’t see her friend anymore. I don’t know what to tell her other than “Mommy and Daddy love you but can’t live together anymore.”
I have explained that Dee and her daughter are just “busy.” We ran into Dee and her daughter in the park. Ally was excited and asked when she could come over. Dee said they would love to have her over, but it “depends on your mama.” She looked me in the eye and smiled. If my daughter hadn’t been there, I would have thrown my iced coffee in her face. I made some excuses, but since then Ally has been asking about going to see her friend. I don’t know how to handle this. I am trying just to get through the day without breaking down. Help me.
—Do I Need to Get Over This?
Dear DINtGOT,
I would have waited until my kid was out of earshot and thoroughly kicked Dee’s ass, so I think you handled yourself quite well indeed. Listen to some Loretta Lynn songs (the expert on lovin’ some utter loser of a man but not wanting another woman to steal him) and make a nice drink while we continue troubleshooting this.
You need to call your ain’t-shit ex. I’m very sorry. I want you to ask him if he is serious about Dee. Is Dee moving in? Does he see this as a serious relationship? Or, having stripped her drywall, is he off to the next damsel in distress?
This is important because you proceed very differently based on whether Dee is going to continue to be in her dad’s life. If Dee is here to stay, you’re going to have to see her and practice a very bland face and coordinate play dates (ideally not in your home) and say absolutely nothing that isn’t incredibly necessary, like “Your child is about to fall into a nest of vipers, Dee.”
If you instead get the read that Dee is already on her way out, I think it’s OK to prioritize your emotional health in the wake of a personal tragedy over a 6-year-old’s friendship (but, of course, this 6-year-old has just gone through her parents’ separation, and it’s very hard for everyone). I asked for my husband’s read on this one, and he said a mature 6-year-old could handle “Dee did something that hurt Mommy very badly, so we can’t play together anymore,” but I was worried that your daughter would waltz into school and disseminate this information. I think you can start with “They’re very busy” and also, get more busy yourselves. Find a new park, make some new little friends, and I wish you the very best of luck.