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minoanmiss...and the person I reported it to didn’t seem too concerned Content advisory: ableism, and also sexual harassment. ( Read more... )
minoanmissMore for the letter than the answer
Jul. 10th, 2025 12:45 pmysobelDear Eric: I am 40 and physically disabled. I need a powered wheelchair to get around both outside and inside my apartment. Recently, my tires were popped by some broken glass from a bottle thrown out of a passing car onto the sidewalk. It has been a week since I have been able to use my wheelchair, and I have another 20 days before my new tires arrive.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be infuriated that someone’s litter caused me to spend $200 on replacement tires.
My caregiver disagrees. He says that it’s my fault for continuing and not turning around. He also said that I am overreacting, when the most I have done is complain a little bit for maybe an hour total and make a joking “whoever threw the bottle on the sidewalk owes me $200” comment once.
Am I being too sensitive about this? I think being upset about having to spend $200 that I don’t have to replace something necessary for my continued function in and outside of my apartment due to litter is understandable, but I would like to ask for your thoughts on the matter to be sure.
— Tire’d
Tire’d: Let me get this straight. Your caregiver, who understands the challenges you face navigating a world that is often not accommodating, thinks that you don’t have the right to be peeved about this? Litter, particularly broken glass, is a problem for everyone and any one of us could and should be upset about having to navigate a sidewalk strewn with jagged pieces, even if it didn’t cost us $200 or a temporary restriction in mobility.
What happened wasn’t fair and it had a greater impact on you than it would on someone who could just step to the side or crunch the glass under a boot. Your caregiver needs to acknowledge that some things in the world affect you differently. This is what empathy is. One doesn’t need firsthand experience to be empathetic, but in this case he has to be able to see how hard this one battle has made your life.
I hope that this is an isolated incident in your relationship and he’s able to be supportive in other ways. Because care is about more than physical assistance. It’s also about being willing to say, “I see you. I hear you. What you’re feeling is valid.”
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be infuriated that someone’s litter caused me to spend $200 on replacement tires.
My caregiver disagrees. He says that it’s my fault for continuing and not turning around. He also said that I am overreacting, when the most I have done is complain a little bit for maybe an hour total and make a joking “whoever threw the bottle on the sidewalk owes me $200” comment once.
Am I being too sensitive about this? I think being upset about having to spend $200 that I don’t have to replace something necessary for my continued function in and outside of my apartment due to litter is understandable, but I would like to ask for your thoughts on the matter to be sure.
— Tire’d
Tire’d: Let me get this straight. Your caregiver, who understands the challenges you face navigating a world that is often not accommodating, thinks that you don’t have the right to be peeved about this? Litter, particularly broken glass, is a problem for everyone and any one of us could and should be upset about having to navigate a sidewalk strewn with jagged pieces, even if it didn’t cost us $200 or a temporary restriction in mobility.
What happened wasn’t fair and it had a greater impact on you than it would on someone who could just step to the side or crunch the glass under a boot. Your caregiver needs to acknowledge that some things in the world affect you differently. This is what empathy is. One doesn’t need firsthand experience to be empathetic, but in this case he has to be able to see how hard this one battle has made your life.
I hope that this is an isolated incident in your relationship and he’s able to be supportive in other ways. Because care is about more than physical assistance. It’s also about being willing to say, “I see you. I hear you. What you’re feeling is valid.”
minoanmiss(The lede is 6 feet down here. Contains: volunteering, sexism in practice regardless of what is in anyone's heart, autism.)
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WTF did I just read?
Jul. 13th, 2024 03:49 amconulyDear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.
They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous
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They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous
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(no subject)
Dec. 30th, 2023 10:39 pmconulyDear Care and Feeding,
What’s the best way to handle “parenting” other people’s children? My kids are very close with a pair of siblings (all 9 and 6). The son, “Trent,” is my son’s best friend and likely has ADHD (they are awaiting formal diagnosis) As a result, he struggles with managing emotions and has frequent meltdowns over seemingly small issues, so it can be hard to tell how to address some of his behaviors versus how I would with my own kids.
Recently when the kids were over, the four of them decided to start a band. They all chose instruments, happily practiced for half an hour, and then called us in for a performance. At this point, Trent decided he wanted to play either the instrument my son had or the one his older sister had. I kindly explained that it wouldn’t be fair to switch as they’d all agreed earlier and been practicing, but he could choose a different instrument no one was using, be the second piano player alongside his sister, or they could do a second set afterwards where they swapped instruments and he could have the one he wanted. But he wasn’t interested in any of these and got upset.
I held firm on the fairness issue—with my kids, they don’t get their way just because they’re upset. Trent started crying and saying he wanted to go home, and I was a bit at a loss for what I should do. In the end, both his sister (who is used to these scenarios) and my son offered to swap with him, and he took my son’s instrument. I don’t know whether this was an emotional dysregulation thing or more typical 6-year-old who isn’t getting his way behavior. I told my son later it was kind of him to switch but that he shouldn’t feel he needs to do something he thinks is unfair just because someone else is upset. (My son was visibly annoyed when Trent didn’t thank him for swapping and was much less interested in the band after.)
What was the best way to handle a crying 6-year-old at my house when his parents aren’t there to step in? Should I have encouraged someone to swap with him when I saw he was getting upset to try to keep the peace, or was I right to hold the line?
—My House, Whose Rules?
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What’s the best way to handle “parenting” other people’s children? My kids are very close with a pair of siblings (all 9 and 6). The son, “Trent,” is my son’s best friend and likely has ADHD (they are awaiting formal diagnosis) As a result, he struggles with managing emotions and has frequent meltdowns over seemingly small issues, so it can be hard to tell how to address some of his behaviors versus how I would with my own kids.
Recently when the kids were over, the four of them decided to start a band. They all chose instruments, happily practiced for half an hour, and then called us in for a performance. At this point, Trent decided he wanted to play either the instrument my son had or the one his older sister had. I kindly explained that it wouldn’t be fair to switch as they’d all agreed earlier and been practicing, but he could choose a different instrument no one was using, be the second piano player alongside his sister, or they could do a second set afterwards where they swapped instruments and he could have the one he wanted. But he wasn’t interested in any of these and got upset.
I held firm on the fairness issue—with my kids, they don’t get their way just because they’re upset. Trent started crying and saying he wanted to go home, and I was a bit at a loss for what I should do. In the end, both his sister (who is used to these scenarios) and my son offered to swap with him, and he took my son’s instrument. I don’t know whether this was an emotional dysregulation thing or more typical 6-year-old who isn’t getting his way behavior. I told my son later it was kind of him to switch but that he shouldn’t feel he needs to do something he thinks is unfair just because someone else is upset. (My son was visibly annoyed when Trent didn’t thank him for swapping and was much less interested in the band after.)
What was the best way to handle a crying 6-year-old at my house when his parents aren’t there to step in? Should I have encouraged someone to swap with him when I saw he was getting upset to try to keep the peace, or was I right to hold the line?
—My House, Whose Rules?
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azurelunaticFirst letter:
HR won’t do anything about a coworker who’s angry about my weight loss
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/02/hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
& original community discussion https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/594086.html
Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/update-hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
( OP lawyers up, high-up HR's response, and Aubrey's lawn tantrum )
HR won’t do anything about a coworker who’s angry about my weight loss
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/02/hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
& original community discussion https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/594086.html
( Dramatic clothing size drop due to removal of dangerously large )
What on earth. ( More of Alison's response )
Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/update-hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
( OP lawyers up, high-up HR's response, and Aubrey's lawn tantrum )
ysobel(original title "by kids of son’s girlfriend")
Letter cut because the description of the kids infuriates me. One crime? They use HANDS to eat PIZZA, the absolute horror.
( no favoritism here, nosireebob )
Letter cut because the description of the kids infuriates me. One crime? They use HANDS to eat PIZZA, the absolute horror.
( no favoritism here, nosireebob )
minoanmiss(n.b. this doesn't have comments as of the last time I looked at it. I look forward to watching both conversations unfold together) ( Read more... )
conulyDEAR HARRIETTE: My co-worker is in a wheelchair. During quarantine, our general manager sent a memo for all employees to use a back entrance to our store in order to do proper check-in before our shifts. This entrance is not handicap accessible. My co-worker asked to use an alternative entrance where he can get inside without help.
My co-worker came to me concerned for his job after being shot down by our general manager and was told he needs to use the same entrance as everyone else. I could not believe this! He is in a protected class and should be treated as such. Now I want to take action. Where do I start? -- Supportive Co-Worker
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My co-worker came to me concerned for his job after being shot down by our general manager and was told he needs to use the same entrance as everyone else. I could not believe this! He is in a protected class and should be treated as such. Now I want to take action. Where do I start? -- Supportive Co-Worker
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minoanmiss[brief background: company had already hired Jane. Company moved to dog-friendly building and thus announced to employees that dogs could come in. Jane has a dog phobia.]
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(Also, remember the haunted hotel letter? There's an update to that one in the same post.
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(Also, remember the haunted hotel letter? There's an update to that one in the same post.
Dear Prudence: Office perfume etiquette
Dec. 11th, 2018 08:17 amdorinda Q. Office perfume etiquette: I work in a small office with about 12 other people, all women except one man. It’s a small space and as the front desk admin, I have to interact with everyone throughout the day. I unfortunately get frequent migraines (averaging 2 per week), which are very painful and challenging to deal with. They happen so often that I can’t use my sick days to get through them, so I’m regularly in pain at work. Over the past two years I’ve tried working with a doctor to lessen these attacks, to no avail.
My problem is that my migraines are sometimes triggered, and certainly aggravated, by perfume and other chemical scents. About five of the women in my office wear strong and heavy perfume every day. I can’t avoid my co-workers and am not able to close a door to cut myself off from the parade of competing floral and powder scents that waft past me every few minutes. What can I do to deal with this in a respectful, effective way? I’ve explained my problem to a few of the women and asked, very kindly and apologetically, if they could wear less perfume to the office, but none of them have made the effort to do so. One woman started wearing more instead! I feel like a jerk for dictating such a personal habit to people I have to get along with every day. But I’m in agony, and it’s driving me insane. Please help!
A: How awful that one of your co-workers responded to your request by wearing more perfume than before—that’s baffling, unnecessary, and cruel. I feel like there’s been a cultural tipping point over the last few years, and most people are at least aware that sensitivity to perfumes and colognes can be a pretty common migraine trigger. I’m sorry that asking individuals politely hasn’t helped. I think your next move needs to be talking to your boss and HR, if you have an HR department. Framing this as a medical issue (and a workplace productivity issue—you can’t be useful as a front desk admin if you’re at home or on the verge of passing out) will hopefully get some weight behind your request.
Has anyone had luck getting co-workers hooked on perfume to cut down? Do signs help? Air purifiers tucked behind the desk? Let us know.
My problem is that my migraines are sometimes triggered, and certainly aggravated, by perfume and other chemical scents. About five of the women in my office wear strong and heavy perfume every day. I can’t avoid my co-workers and am not able to close a door to cut myself off from the parade of competing floral and powder scents that waft past me every few minutes. What can I do to deal with this in a respectful, effective way? I’ve explained my problem to a few of the women and asked, very kindly and apologetically, if they could wear less perfume to the office, but none of them have made the effort to do so. One woman started wearing more instead! I feel like a jerk for dictating such a personal habit to people I have to get along with every day. But I’m in agony, and it’s driving me insane. Please help!
A: How awful that one of your co-workers responded to your request by wearing more perfume than before—that’s baffling, unnecessary, and cruel. I feel like there’s been a cultural tipping point over the last few years, and most people are at least aware that sensitivity to perfumes and colognes can be a pretty common migraine trigger. I’m sorry that asking individuals politely hasn’t helped. I think your next move needs to be talking to your boss and HR, if you have an HR department. Framing this as a medical issue (and a workplace productivity issue—you can’t be useful as a front desk admin if you’re at home or on the verge of passing out) will hopefully get some weight behind your request.
Has anyone had luck getting co-workers hooked on perfume to cut down? Do signs help? Air purifiers tucked behind the desk? Let us know.
lilyseaQ: I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid in a very conservative wedding. I said yes a while ago to a friend that I’ve always “agreed to disagree” with. But since then I’ve come out as bi/pan to most people in my life and I have a girlfriend. The bride doesn’t know because it seemed safer to tell her after the wedding because I’ve heard her say homophobic things about sin and hell.
But things have gotten more complicated. I injured my leg and when I told her about it and asked if I could sit for the several hour long ceremony she told me I shouldn’t be a bridesmaid anymore. I’m hurt that she would kick me out of her wedding because I’m injured and I’ve already spent a lot on her gift, a flight there, etc. I’m not sure I can change my flight either (I had to be there several days early as a bridesmaid and I’m supposed to share a hotel room with her, I don’t think I can afford a room myself). My friends said if I don’t go to her wedding at all now I’m probably throwing away the friendship. I feel like she’s the one doing that by kicking me out over something I can’t control.
More than that, I’m afraid that if I go as a guest or try to suck up the pain to stand during the ceremony as a bridesmaid, that she will ultimately reject my friendship anyway when I do come out to her and I don’t want to put in all this time for nothing. If she rejects me for an injury it seems easy enough to reject me for being queer too since I know she thinks that’s a sin. I don’t know what to do.
A: Ayyyyy. I humbly submit that your first order of business is calling about your flight. Just see what the deal is there.
And wow yeah, she does sound like the kind of person who would reject you because of your queerness! What do you want to do? Like what feels like a decision you could live with. If I were in your position, I would slap a shipping label on that gift and take myself out for a milkshake. If I were in your position and feeling especially obligated for some reason, I’d change my flight to arrive closer to the actual wedding date, get my own hotel room, and be the cutest happiest friendliest son of a bitch at that party, where I would talk openly about my darling girlfriend and share my thoughts on a single-payer system and how abortion bans are class warfare, then leave with an air of smug superiority the likes of which that town had never seen.
Do what makes you feel like the best version of yourself, whether that’s protecting your feelings by not attending, or taking one on the chin to avoid a fallout. Make the decision you can live with, but above all else please know that you deserve friends who care more about your injured leg than the optics of a wedding party. Also, you know who has ceremonies that last for several hours when that shit can easily be handled in 45 minutes or less? Showboating assholes, that’s who. THERE I SAID IT.
https://www.autostraddle.com/yall-need-help-12-the-straight-girl-is-back-3985543/
But things have gotten more complicated. I injured my leg and when I told her about it and asked if I could sit for the several hour long ceremony she told me I shouldn’t be a bridesmaid anymore. I’m hurt that she would kick me out of her wedding because I’m injured and I’ve already spent a lot on her gift, a flight there, etc. I’m not sure I can change my flight either (I had to be there several days early as a bridesmaid and I’m supposed to share a hotel room with her, I don’t think I can afford a room myself). My friends said if I don’t go to her wedding at all now I’m probably throwing away the friendship. I feel like she’s the one doing that by kicking me out over something I can’t control.
More than that, I’m afraid that if I go as a guest or try to suck up the pain to stand during the ceremony as a bridesmaid, that she will ultimately reject my friendship anyway when I do come out to her and I don’t want to put in all this time for nothing. If she rejects me for an injury it seems easy enough to reject me for being queer too since I know she thinks that’s a sin. I don’t know what to do.
A: Ayyyyy. I humbly submit that your first order of business is calling about your flight. Just see what the deal is there.
And wow yeah, she does sound like the kind of person who would reject you because of your queerness! What do you want to do? Like what feels like a decision you could live with. If I were in your position, I would slap a shipping label on that gift and take myself out for a milkshake. If I were in your position and feeling especially obligated for some reason, I’d change my flight to arrive closer to the actual wedding date, get my own hotel room, and be the cutest happiest friendliest son of a bitch at that party, where I would talk openly about my darling girlfriend and share my thoughts on a single-payer system and how abortion bans are class warfare, then leave with an air of smug superiority the likes of which that town had never seen.
Do what makes you feel like the best version of yourself, whether that’s protecting your feelings by not attending, or taking one on the chin to avoid a fallout. Make the decision you can live with, but above all else please know that you deserve friends who care more about your injured leg than the optics of a wedding party. Also, you know who has ceremonies that last for several hours when that shit can easily be handled in 45 minutes or less? Showboating assholes, that’s who. THERE I SAID IT.
https://www.autostraddle.com/yall-need-help-12-the-straight-girl-is-back-3985543/
lilyseaDEAR ABBY: Yesterday I was in a retail store with my service dog. The clerk asked me what kind of service dog she was and I replied, "She's my service dog." She kept pressing me as to exactly why I have one, so I asked her if she was inquiring about my disability. When she said, "Yes," I politely informed her that federal HIPAA laws protect my right to privacy. She then said -- loud enough for everyone in the store to hear -- "I don't know what the big deal is. I just want to know what the dog does for you."
Please let your readers know how to be around a person and their service animal:
1. You do not have the right to ask about the person's disability. To do so is rude. Most people prefer strangers not know their medical condition. The dog may be for PTSD, a hearing or seeing dog, or to alert the person to a medical emergency.
2. Children (and adults) need to understand that when service animals' jackets go on, the dogs know it's time to go to "work," and they take their job seriously. At that point, they are not pets and should not be treated as such. If a child rushes a service dog, the animal may react badly because it is there to protect its person.
3. You may ask to pet the dog, but don't assume it will be allowed. If given permission, the dog should be scratched under the chin only.
Service animals know their place. It's a shame that most people are not as polite. -- NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
DEAR N.O.Y.B.: Thank you for sharing this information. According to the Americans With Disabilities Act website (ada.gov): "Businesses may ask if an animal is a service animal or ask what tasks the animal has been trained to perform, but cannot require special ID cards for the animal or ask about the person's disability."
lilyseaDEAR ABBY: I am a bridesmaid for my brother's upcoming wedding. However, his fiancee is throwing out some crazy mandates for the big day.
1. All family members must wear contact lenses. Glasses will not be allowed because they look ugly in pictures. (Both her mom and my parents wear glasses.)
2. She made my father get dental work to "improve his smile."
3. I recently tore my ACL, and she says I can't bring crutches to the ceremony because she doesn't want them in the pictures.
How much more of this should our family put up with? I love her as my niece's mother, but not as my future sister-in-law. Would it be better to tell them I won't be a bridesmaid? I am afraid to speak up because I want a relationship with my niece. -- AFRAID OF BRIDEZILLA
DEAR AFRAID: Your brother's fiancee appears to have gone off the deep end. Weddings are supposed to be about love, commitment and the joining together of two families, not the photo album.
While I sympathize with her desire for a "perfect" wedding, the idea that your parents and her mother must invest in contact lenses or miss seeing the ceremony and reception because glasses aren't "allowed" is ludicrous. And the suggestion that you leave your crutches and risk further damaging your ACL is off the charts.
Talk to your brother. Perhaps he can make his ladylove see the light. If not, I wouldn't blame you -- and your parents and her mother, by the way -- if you decided to skip the "show."
Mods: can I have an ableism tag?
lilyseaDEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepfather’s grandson’s wedding is black-tie optional, and my stepfather’s children are renting him a tux. My mom, who is 90, thought she would wear a nice pants outfit with a dressy jacket, and is resistant to buying something new. She has been through a lot this year (treatment for lymphoma, cancer surgery, and she recently fell and broke her pelvis, so she is in a lot of pain).
I and my three sisters (my mom’s only children) live on the opposite coast, but we are now being pressured by the mother of the groom (my stepfather’s daughter) and my stepfather to see that she is outfitted appropriately -- not just for the wedding, but also for the rehearsal dinner (cocktail attire) and the wedding breakfast to be held the day after the wedding.
They have also expressed concerns about the shoes my mother prefers (very safe, comfortable, but not at all dressy). My sister even heard my stepfather tell her that if she doesn’t get something new to wear, she can stay home and not attend the wedding or other events.
My mother doesn’t stand up for herself, unfortunately. Two of us will be traveling to see her soon, and plan to take her shopping. My sister is even purchasing a few things for my mom that she will bring with her, in the hopes that maybe something will fit and work for this event.
Personally, I think it is extremely superficial of them to dictate what she wears (especially since the wedding is six months from now!). If it were me, I would just be thrilled they are both well enough to attend, regardless of how they are dressed.
Is my mother wrong to resist the request to buy something more formal? Or should the step-family back off?
GENTLE READER: What happened to the “optional” part?
While Miss Manners always advocates dressing properly for the occasion -- and generally abhors “optional,” as it just invites chaos -- the particulars of your mother’s dress seem to be unduly fixated upon here. There is certainly a lot of undue angst being put into this poor woman’s wardrobe that seemingly requires three separate outfits and uncomfortable, possibly dangerous, shoes.
If your mother can reasonably be jollied into the shopping expedition or accepts one of your sister’s choices for one new outfit, fine. But if not, please talk to your stepfather about “backing off.” Surely this cannot really be worth all of this fuss.
