Freakin' Doyin, guys....

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two boys, aged 8 and 5, who have recently been introduced to nerf guns. My husband and I are not gun people, and I personally have a lot of anxiety about school shootings and sending my kids out into a world with guns. It’s important to me that they understand that guns are not toys, and I hate the idea of them having pretend wars with their friends. My cousin died by suicide when I was a teenager, and even though I know nerf guns are pretend and lots of kids have them, I can’t help but hate everything they represent. We don’t allow them in the house, but it seems like every friend of theirs has them and when we go over to play they inevitably gravitate towards them. I’m not sure what to do. It seems unreasonable to not allow them to play with certain toys at a friend’s house and I don’t know if this is a personal hang up of mine or if I have cause to be concerned. Is this something I should try to let go of, or is this something I should draw stricter boundaries around and ask their friends’ parents to put them away before we come over?

—Can’t they just play with LEGOs?

Dear LEGOs,

I’ve made no secret in this column that I’m the biggest anti-gun person you’ll find. But even I think your fears about toy guns could be overblown.

Growing up, I had all types of toy guns in my house and played “Cops and Robbers” on a daily basis with my brothers and other buddies. On top of that, as a teenager, I played a ton of violent video games that included gunning down humans, zombies, aliens, and animals with semi-automatic weapons. But guess what? There was never a moment in my life where I felt like I wanted to turn the pretend world into real life because my parents did an amazing job of teaching me right from wrong. Not to mention, as a grown man, I occasionally dabble in violent video games and I still despise guns with a passion.

Yes, America has a big gun problem. But I definitely don’t recommend you ask other parents to put away their toy guns. Your son will be OK if he plays with them. If you teach your sons about the dangers of real guns, they will get the picture. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. Talking to parents about putting their real guns away is a different story entirely, of course. Take a deep breath and let your kids be kids.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/how-to-manage-parents-expectations-parenting-advice.html

Comments

[conuly]

So, last week it was "Don't ever dare let your child call you a name in jest, even if both of you are playing around, because it won't be cute later when she's a bigot and it's all your fault" and this week it's "Oh, c'mon, there's no way playing with toy guns could possibly lead your kids to think real guns are also toys, and even though you've got a Tragic Gun Backstory you definitely shouldn't ask other parents to respect that when your kids are playing with theirs. C'mon, kids are smart!"

Does he not realize he's being massively inconsistent? Like, just pick an argument and stick with it!

[cimorene]

Aside from the fact that he's almost comically far in both directions, I find the contrast amusing.

How many times have I heard "Sticks and stones..." as a child when I complained about bullying or name-calling? Yet Doyin is like "Epithets and words may break people's bones, but desensitization to depictions of gun violence and being taught to expect to play with things that look like guns have definitely never hurt anyone".

[feast_of_regrets]

One of the joys of this group is growing to pay more attention to who is writing which advice so I can appreciate these fine moments of hypocrisy.

Doyin's whole deal seems to be that he checks in with his own experience, and if it works out in his case, everyone else must also be fine. Kind of a hilariously bad way to give advice.

[sporky_rat]

I'm going to be that weirdo here who grew up with guns and appropriate gun safety and hunting and all the stereotypical Rural South that you get.

A Nerf gun, a BB gun, an airsoft gun, those are all ways to teach children age appropriate gun safety. If you live in a place where guns are a part of life, this is something you teach. Means they'll be less likely to pick up a gun someone irresponsible leaves around and decides to play with it because you used toys to teach safety.

LW, I understand you've got past trauma. I understand that you're worried about your children. Forbidding something is only going to make it more alluring. Take the time to teach them, with as little of your trauma and bias as you can, and you'll end up with a much better result.

[castiron]

I routinely annoy my kids by saying "so, what's the rules for handling a *real* gun?" (1. Don't; go get an adult. When you're older, don't unless you've had thorough training in firearm handling. 2. Always assume it's loaded. 3. Do not point it at anyone you don't want to kill/anything you don't want to destroy.) We are not gunowners, but we live in a state that's gun-happy even by US standards, and one of my kids is extremely fascinated by firearms.

With Nerf, our house rule is that it's fine to shoot Nerf at people who are playing the game, but not people who aren't.

[conuly]

I suppose that's more useful than the way I annoy the kids....

[minoanmiss]

Doyin is being ridiculously inconsistent, but I think it's more that he was really wrong before. I think this is an aspect of life LW will need to guide her kids in experiencing since I don't think she can practically keep them from it. And I think first she should talk to someone sympathetic and professional about her very understandable anxiety, rather than just keep trying to swallow it.

[kindkit]

It's going to be impossible for her to raise kids who are never exposed to gun culture. Toy guns, guns on TV and movies, all the video games where you shoot enemies--it's everywhere.

But plenty of kids grow up in American gun culture without becoming gun lovers. (I grew up in a house with real guns for hunting. I played with BB guns as a kid, and I've shot a real gun at a target a couple of times. I don't own a gun as an adult, never want to, and support strict gun control.) Basic parenting stuff like reality vs. fantasy, and the rights ways to solve problems and conflicts, will go a long way.

Right now, by forbidding play with toy guns, she's just making them more appealing for her sons. Let them be toys like any other toy, and teach them that real guns are not toys.

ETA: I can understand why her cousin's suicide makes this very hard for her. But, like any parent's trauma, that's something she needs to work out (with therapy or whatever she needs) without imposing it on her kids.