cereta: Two young women kissing. (Rosemary and Anjesa)
[personal profile] cereta
Link.

Dear Care and Feeding,

What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? For my heterosexual kid, the rule is “no opposite-sex sleepovers,” and if I had a gay child, the rule would be “no same-sex sleepovers.” It seems very unfair to prohibit my bisexual teen from having sleepovers just because they happen to be attracted to both genders, but it also doesn’t seem fair that my other teens have to abide by these “no sleepovers with people whom you might want to have sex with” rules while the bisexual teen doesn’t. Help!

—Proud Parent of Bi Teen

Dear PPoBT,

I want to first affirm your desire to support your child’s identity and your desire to be equitable in how household rules are created and enforced. Alas, equity is often elusive in a world that will present challenges to your bisexual teen that their siblings simply won’t have to face. This may be the rare occasion that this particular child experiences what seems like an advantage on the basis of their sexual orientation, but ultimately, it’s simply a heightened expectation of responsible behavior and honesty.

Sleepovers for kids and teens are typically same-gendered. I wouldn’t recommend denying this experience to a bisexual or gay young person just because they are known to be attracted to members of their own gender. These gatherings are typically more about bonding over gossip, games, junk food, and Netflix than they are about getting physical. And anyway, hetero kids and queer/bi ones that haven’t come out to their families are also quite capable of engaging in sexual activity with peers of their own gender when the door is closed and the adults have gone to bed for the evening. (Gender non-conforming kids also deserve sleepover invites, by the way.)

The most reasonable thing to do would be to either hold all of your kids to the single-gendered sleepover rule or allow them all to attend multi-gendered sleepovers. As it is (understandably) important to you that they aren’t engaging in sexual activity during these festivities, they should only be able to sleep over in homes when you are clear that the adults present are capable of and invested in preventing any fooling around. Also, you may also want to prohibit them from attending sleepovers where their boyfriend or girlfriend is present.

There is a lot of other stuff to be fearful of when teens are under close quarters with potentially limited supervision—drug use, drinking, bullying, listening to really shitty music, etc.—and as is the case with messing around, they find opportunities to do these things during the schoolday, when you drop them off at the YMCA on Saturdays for “basketball,” and whenever they aren’t being closely watched. The only way to truly ensure that a sleepover is sex-free is to have them at your own house and watch those little horndogs like a hawk.

Ultimately, if you are letting teens go to sleepovers, there’s a risk that they’ll do some shit you don’t like while they’re there. But there’s a good chance your kids would prefer not to risk humiliation by getting it on while someone’s parents are home anyway. Talk to your not-so-little ones and explain to them what your expectations are for when they spend the night out—and make sure they are clear on how to practice safe sex regardless of the gender of their partners, and that they won’t allow an STD to remain dormant out of fear of disappointing you for breaking a sleepover rule.
minoanmiss: Baby in stand (Greek Baby)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
In We’re Prudence, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped.

Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Friend of the Devil, Marzipan Shepherdess, JHD, We’re Here, Nanana, Clergy Person, Becky, and Camel for their ideas! Read more... )
minoanmiss: Baby in stand (Greek Baby)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
Having MSN as my work launch page is bad for my soul but it delivers several advice columns. Content advisory: LW is extremely apprehensive about pregnancy. Read more... )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Carolyn: Is being truthful always the way forward? For the first 10 years of our committed relationship, my wife’s family disowned her and us because we are two women. We became parents through kin adoption, and the in-laws slowly forged a relationship with us and our kids. Our kids have deep, meaningful relationships with their grandparents.

We sent out a save-the-date for our 30th anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our marriage, and we want to do it with friends and family near and far. My in-laws informed us they have never believed in our marriage, because marriage is only between a man and a woman. They will not be coming. They told our kids (older teens, young adults) they won’t be coming because they have a long-planned trip across the globe.

In-laws have warned us that we will destroy the family if we tell the kids the real reason the in-laws aren’t coming. They aren’t wrong. Our kids would be devastated to know.

With the adoption and messy extended family, we have built a family based on truth and transparency. My kids would also be devastated if they knew we lied to them. Kids are pressuring us to change the date so grandparents can come. I really have no idea what I’m supposed to say or not say.

— To Tell or Not to Tell


Read more... )
petrea_mitchell: (Default)
[personal profile] petrea_mitchell
Actual headline: Why Tho? Starbucks Pride display leads to a complicated conversation with a 7-year-old

Dear Lizzy,

I’ve loved Starbucks for years but today I was bothered to the point of not wanting to patronize the company anymore if this is indeed something that will become a new norm. I don’t mean to sound like a “Karen” here... but rather a mom who is looking to protect childhood innocence.

By the register were three cups with a different flag in each one. One labeled “bisexual” one labeled “gay” and one labeled “lesbian.” (For the record, heterosexual would have been nice to include if it provokes a conversation with a child who doesn’t know about this topic.) Flags are one thing...it’s just a pretty flag but this is just too much.

[photo of display provided in original article]

I myself am politically middle of the road/socially aware/supportive of all genders and sexual preferences and believe people can do what they want as long as they’re not hurting others.

I’m equally dedicated to preserving childhood. I have a 7-year-old son who hasn’t even asked what sex is nor does he know anything about preferences because at 7 it’s too early to be discussing sexuality. All he cares about is Spider-Man and dinosaurs.

I was really disappointed and honestly disgusted to see anything with a sexual reference by the register where he can read it and then ask questions that are not age-appropriate.

My point here is that when we go into a coffee shop to get a drink, I’d like to not have to get into talks about sexuality with my 7-year-old. It’s wrong and I’ve asked the company not to display anything with sexual references in view and to be sensitive to what children read standing there.

What do you think I should have done?

Concerned Mom


Read more... )
minoanmiss: Nubian girl with dubious facial expression (dubious Nubian girl)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
[slightly misleading title -- LW has also gotten comments on, for instance, the fit of her jeans]

Read more... )
minoanmiss: Pink Minoan lily from a fresco (Minoan Lily)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
[n.b. I can't title this because I can't take it seriously.] Read more... )
lemonsharks: (Default)
[personal profile] lemonsharks
Ask Amy: She’s not my girlfriend and I don’t want them thinking she is

Dear Amy: I am very upset. “Lizzie” and I have been best friends since we attended daycare together, and now we are juniors in high school.

Lizzie has always been bossy. She wants things to be her way. Lately, it has gotten bad.

Lizzie only hangs out with me and gets mad if I hang with other people. So now it’s always just the two of us.

But that’s not the worst part. She has been trying to “jokingly” hold my hand and cuddle.

I don’t want this. I don’t know what to say to her. I just walk away and make up an excuse to go somewhere else.

We’re both girls, which is fine, but this is not me. I am into guys. I don’t want everyone at school thinking I don’t like guys when they see us together.

She also gets mad when I am interested in anyone else.

I don’t know what’s going on. Is she really just joking? Is she controlling?

Uncomfortable


Dear Uncomfortable: If Lizzie is isolating you and gets angry and jealous when you hang out with anyone else then yes, this is controlling behavior. This dynamic is not healthy for either of you.

It sounds as if Lizzie has always been the “alpha” of the two of you, meaning that she dominates the friendship. Now that you’re older, this behavior is getting more extreme, perhaps because she senses or is afraid that she is losing control over you.

No one should touch or try to “cuddle” you if you don’t want them to. You must speak up. Be real and honest: “I don’t want to hold hands.”

You could ask Lizzie, “Are you joking when you do stuff like that, or do you have romantic feelings for me?”

If she says she is joking, accept that as her answer. You can add, “I definitely want to stay in the friend zone, like we’ve always been.”

You should also try to talk about your friendship. Tell her that she is really important to you, but that you also want to branch out and bring new people into your circle. Encourage her to do the same.

I hope you will be able to be honest and respectful toward Lizzie, but if her behavior intensifies and you’re worried about yourself — or her — you must go to an adult for help.

Crisis Text Line is a great resource for support: Text the word HOME to 741-741 any time and you will connect with someone who will do their best to help.
minoanmiss: Nubian girl with dubious facial expression (dubious Nubian girl)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
Content advisory: transphobia, terrible family. Read more... )
minoanmiss: Nubian girl with dubious facial expression (dubious Nubian girl)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/09/dan-savage-advice-savage-love-criticism-interview.html

In addition to discussing Dan Savage in all his problematic, snarktastic, nuanced glory, this touches on being an advice columnist in general, which is why I thought it belongs here. It's long though, so I'm not copying it over.
minoanmiss: Nubian girl with dubious facial expression (dubious Nubian girl)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
Context in the first comment. Read more... )
minoanmiss: Girl holding a rainbow-colored oval, because one needs a rainbow icon (Rainbow)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
I’ve been with my employer for over 10 years and in that time my personal identity has shifted significantly from the professional identity I projected at my hiring. I allowed my colleagues to assume I was a straight, cisgender woman in a monogamous relationship. That was never true but when I was younger I was willing to hide key parts of my identity for a significant career opportunity.

Something about having my colleagues “in” my home via Zoom has made the separation between my personal and professional life more upsetting. Addintally we have an active team working to deepen our diversity and I struggle with the exclusion of LGBTQIA+ identities from that work. The reality is I am a non-binary, bisexual human in a polyamorous relationship. How can I redefine myself as a queer person at work?
minoanmiss: Minoan women talking amongst themselves (Ladies Chatting)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
I had a close friend who was also my on-and-off partner for over a decade. We lived with each other for a while, mostly at the beginning of our relationship. Much later on, they came out as nonbinary and changed their name. They also have since moved across the country, and we are no longer in contact for unrelated reasons.Read more... )
minoanmiss: A detail of the Ladies in Blue fresco (Lady in Blue)
[personal profile] minoanmiss
[my title, not theirs]. Content advisory: family being homophobic and transphobic to LW. Read more... )
lemonsharks: (Default)
[personal profile] lemonsharks
Q. #Ownvoices vs. privacy: I’ve wanted to publish a book for a long time, and I’ve recently signed with an agent. I’m queer, and so is the main character in my YA novel. However, as I prepare to go submit to publishers, I’m dreading the inevitable question of whether the character is #ownvoices. I know it’s important that editors make sure they’re publishing writers who are speaking from their own experiences when it comes to marginalized identities, but this isn’t something I especially want to tell them about myself. I’m out to my friends and family but don’t consider it anyone’s business in my professional life. I also don’t want to put queerness at the center of my “brand” as an author; I want my future books to have queer representation, but I want people to read them because the writing is good, not because the writer is queer. That said, I know it’s a privilege to be able to choose whether or not to come out. I also don’t want to hide my identity. I certainly don’t want to lie or push away potential readers—especially young readers—who are actively seeking out queer novels by queer writers. In the near future, I’m expecting to be asked outright about this. I’ve already been asked by an agent, although not the one I signed with; I told the truth but didn’t feel comfortable with the conversation. I know this will become even more of a thing after I’m published (if that happens). How can I balance #ownvoices with privacy?

Read more... )
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
DEAR ABBY: I am a teenage girl in an average family. I started getting interested in LGBTQ+ and other social justice topics when I was in fifth grade.

Since then, I have realized that, among other things, I'm a lesbian, a liberal and an atheist. This wouldn't be a problem, but my father hates many of the things I am or stand for. He's an extremely conservative, Christian, gun-rights person, and he wants me and my brothers to join the military. He constantly pushes me to be the best that I can be, and I try, but his idea of best is very different from mine.

I have several mental problems, which resulted in me getting special privileges in school. I use them whenever I can, but it is never enough for him. He keeps searching through my grade book until he finds something new for me to do, regardless of the date it was assigned or whether it can be graded anymore.

I have various restrictions on my use of technology, so I can barely contact my friends. It has gotten to the point that I am worried about when I come out and looking forward to college just so I can get away. Please tell me what to do in the meantime because college is five years away. -- WAITING IN VIRGINIA


Read more... )

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