Ask Amy: Her obsession with our grandson is taking over our life

[lemonsharks]

Dear Amy: My wife and I married a little later in life and only had one child, a daughter.

Our wish for a grandchild came true when our daughter had a baby boy a little over a year ago.

We are very excited and love spending as much time with him as we can, and fortunately for us, we see him often.

They will also occasionally ask us to babysit, and we always say yes.

I’m good with that. However, over the past six to nine months, my wife has become increasingly irritated when she doesn’t see our grandson as much as she would like.

She wants pictures/videos of him sent to her on a daily basis. She wants to go to their house two to three times a week (unannounced), and then wants them to come to our house at least once during the week and at least once on the weekends.

I tried to explain that they have their own lives to lead, but she says I obviously don’t understand or love our grandson the way she does.

I know she is hurting, but I’m not sure how to make her understand that this baby isn’t our son and that the kids aren’t trying to withhold him from us. They just want to live their lives and raise their son the same way we were allowed to raise our daughter.

What do you make of this?

Proud Grampa


Dear Proud: You don’t say that your wife was an obsessive or overwhelming parent to your daughter when she was young, so I’m assuming that this is new for her.

I agree with her that “you don’t love your grandson the way she does,” but in my opinion, loving the way she loves is not the healthy or balanced standard for a grandparent relationship.

Her demands and possessiveness regarding this baby seem less about love and more about control.

Her expectations, as well as her overly emotional response when she is disappointed, show a lack of perspective and are not respectful of this child’s actual parents.

Unless your wife adopts a more balanced attitude, she could end up creating a highly charged and toxic dynamic that will damage her relationships — and will not be good for your grandson.

Once he reaches toddler stage, he might instinctively back away from such an overwhelming presence.

You sound like a very understanding and patient person, but I believe that your wife could use some professional help to recognize and learn to regulate her own emotions. I hope you will encourage her to see a counselor

Comments

[lemonsharks]

How can Amy give such terrible advice one day and such reasonable advice the next?

Also...*counts*... holy crap five days a week is too many days a week to see ANYONE I don't cohabitate with. I don't want to see my *best friend,* whom I adore, 5 days a week if we're not living together. Bless you Grampa, for recognizing the problem and seeking help in dealing with it.)

[perspi]

Exactly this -- and goodness, that grandma is well on her way to ending up no-contact with both her daughter AND her grandson, geez.

[sporky_rat]

Go Grandfather for being reasonable!

[laurajv]

I would have appreciated it if Amy could've given even more specific advice.

Like Grandpa calling his daughter and saying "Your mother is being unreasonable, and you don't have to give in to her demands to try to keep the peace. I will support you." it's very likely his daughter needs the support, AND can offer support in return in helping get her mother into counseling. I mean. Come on, Amy.

[purlewe]

yeah, this is missing in the response. The daughter likely is feeling overwhelmed. I am glad grandpa is seeing it, but he needs more guidance here than just "get your wife to a professional"

[cimorene]

Same. The letter makes clear that he already gets that it's bad; what he wanted was more specific advice about what to do... 'get therapy' doesn't really cut it. That's gonna leave him a lot of little steps in terms of getting her to therapy and dealing with everything else about the situation in the meantime.

[heavenscalyx]

Ooooo, maybe get Grandma a cognitive checkup? Because if this is sudden-onset and very out of character -- and it kinda sounds like Grampa is surprised by this? -- maybe there is Something Going On.

[melannen]

Oh, good point! Could be that Grandma is just feeling very entitled to the grandkid, but something like "needing to hear from them every day" or "wanting to constantly drop by without notice" (or changes in emotional regulation) could also be early attempts at dealing badly with cognitive changes.

[ayebydan]

I wonder if the 'I know she is hurting' could perhaps refer to something more?