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Dear Prudence: The Beta Reader Problem
Oct. 18th, 2024 09:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minoanmiss Help! I’ve Finally Written My First Novel. When I Sent It to My Friend, She Was Appalled.
She had a lot of ideas for what I should change.
( Read more... )
She had a lot of ideas for what I should change.
( Read more... )
minoanmissDear Amy: “Liz” and I have been best friends since high school. We’re now in our 30s. We’ve been there for each other through breakups and divorces and childbirth and her coming out as a lesbian.
We have always told each other everything, so when she started telling me things via text about her new girlfriend that sounded like emotional abuse, I told her I worried that’s what it was. There have been many, many red flags throughout their relationship that pointed to emotional abuse and I had in the past mentioned that it sounded as such.
She said she wanted to meet in person to explain why she didn’t feel it was emotional abuse. I explained that if the meeting was to convince me of her girlfriend’s virtues it was a waste of time. After that I didn’t hear from her for months, despite my texts and phone calls. She finally reached out to me six months ago to say that they were probably breaking up. I kept my mouth shut this time, having learned my lesson.
That was the last I’ve heard from her in months. I’ve reached out many, many times and have received no response.
I don’t understand what is happening or how to resolve it if she won’t respond. I’d hate to think that a 20-year friendship is destroyed because of what, exactly? What should I do?
Concerned
Concerned: One theory is that "Liz" did not in fact break up with her girlfriend, and because she has remained in the relationship and she knows how you feel about it, she has decided to keep her girlfriend, and let you go.
It is a devastating reality that when you have a loved-one you believe to be in an abusive relationship, you sometimes have to willingly relinquish your own influence, to continue to stay in the relationship.
Reach out to her in a neutral attitude of support. Do not raise the issue of her relationship, and don’t pressure her to be in touch. Simply tell her, “I was thinking about you today and hope you are doing well.” Share a bit of news from your own life, and then hope that eventually she will gradually work with you to restore your friendship.
We have always told each other everything, so when she started telling me things via text about her new girlfriend that sounded like emotional abuse, I told her I worried that’s what it was. There have been many, many red flags throughout their relationship that pointed to emotional abuse and I had in the past mentioned that it sounded as such.
She said she wanted to meet in person to explain why she didn’t feel it was emotional abuse. I explained that if the meeting was to convince me of her girlfriend’s virtues it was a waste of time. After that I didn’t hear from her for months, despite my texts and phone calls. She finally reached out to me six months ago to say that they were probably breaking up. I kept my mouth shut this time, having learned my lesson.
That was the last I’ve heard from her in months. I’ve reached out many, many times and have received no response.
I don’t understand what is happening or how to resolve it if she won’t respond. I’d hate to think that a 20-year friendship is destroyed because of what, exactly? What should I do?
Concerned
Concerned: One theory is that "Liz" did not in fact break up with her girlfriend, and because she has remained in the relationship and she knows how you feel about it, she has decided to keep her girlfriend, and let you go.
It is a devastating reality that when you have a loved-one you believe to be in an abusive relationship, you sometimes have to willingly relinquish your own influence, to continue to stay in the relationship.
Reach out to her in a neutral attitude of support. Do not raise the issue of her relationship, and don’t pressure her to be in touch. Simply tell her, “I was thinking about you today and hope you are doing well.” Share a bit of news from your own life, and then hope that eventually she will gradually work with you to restore your friendship.
minoanmissA reader is left wondering how to patch things up with irked neighbors after an understandably preoccupied friend left the reader’s dog alone to bark all night.
By Philip Galanes
Jan. 3, 2024
I visited my family overseas for three weeks. It was our first Christmas together in 10 years. A close friend offered to take my dog while I was away. During the first week, my friend’s mother died. I offered to make other arrangements for my dog, but she said it wasn’t necessary. By the second week, she was struggling. She asked if she could return the dog to my house and visit twice a day. I asked another person to help her so my dog would get more visits and my friend could deal with her loss. Then, my neighbors complained that my dog was barking all night. I asked my close friend to spend one night at my house. She declined and insinuated that I was to blame for the situation. Her inability to commit has caused a rift with my neighbors. How can I remedy the problem with the neighbors? (I’m OK just moving on with my friend and not accepting offers of help from her again.)
( Read more... )
By Philip Galanes
Jan. 3, 2024
I visited my family overseas for three weeks. It was our first Christmas together in 10 years. A close friend offered to take my dog while I was away. During the first week, my friend’s mother died. I offered to make other arrangements for my dog, but she said it wasn’t necessary. By the second week, she was struggling. She asked if she could return the dog to my house and visit twice a day. I asked another person to help her so my dog would get more visits and my friend could deal with her loss. Then, my neighbors complained that my dog was barking all night. I asked my close friend to spend one night at my house. She declined and insinuated that I was to blame for the situation. Her inability to commit has caused a rift with my neighbors. How can I remedy the problem with the neighbors? (I’m OK just moving on with my friend and not accepting offers of help from her again.)
( Read more... )
diss tracks
Oct. 21st, 2023 02:45 pmjadelennoxDear Bintel,
During summer 2021, a friend I grew up with released a mean-spirited song about me. We were at separate colleges, only sparingly in touch, but until the song’s release, I’d thought of this person fondly. We’d commuted to and from school and participated in community theater together. A few times he led me to doubt myself and made me self-conscious, but other than that, I thought we were good friends.
After the song’s release, I was manipulated into having a conversation with him where he reinforced the message of the song: that I am an unkind person who is careless about my impact on people. The song is focused on our high school days, but he said its message still applies. I tried to express the ways this hurt me and thought I’d gotten through to him. Then he blocked me on social media. The whole ordeal was crushing and gave way to weeks of anxiety and self-loathing.
I’ve learned that another song is being released, about the ways in which I hurt him in the conversation he forced us to have. Despite my better judgment, I know I’ll end up listening to it. I want to say something or advocate for myself, but I haven’t been in touch with him since that conversation.
I also worry that doing so will damage my reputation in the eyes of our mutual friends. I’m a senior in college, and I wish I could stop dredging up these old feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Do I reach out to him? Try to move on with my life? Thanks in advance for your guidance.
Signed, Unwilling Muse
( Read more... )
source
Dear Prudence: I cannot even.
Aug. 18th, 2022 05:38 pmminoanmiss(Not the original title. Contents include: busy wife and jealous husband. also small children. Yes, you've seen this before.)
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
minoanmiss(That's the setup to the real issue. I'm not good at summarizing these.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. ( Read more... )
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. ( Read more... )
minoanmissQ. Can’t support a pagan friend: I’m a thirtysomething who lives in a midsize West Coast city with very liberal sensibilities that I share. There’s a reason I moved here! ( Read more... )
minoanmissDear Care and Feeding,
I’m a middle-aged woman who has very little experience with children. ( Read more... )
I’m a middle-aged woman who has very little experience with children. ( Read more... )
lilyseaDear Prudence,
Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?
—She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway
A: I certainly hope your dislike for Mary is rooted in something other than “she can’t afford to spend as much money on appetizers as I can,” because the only sin she appears to have committed is being less rich than the rest of your friends. While you’re certainly within your rights not to invite Mary to an event you’re hosting, sending dinner-party invitations with further instructions about who someone can invite as a plus one should be reserved for more extreme cases than this one.
I think your best option is to include Amy on the invitation and find a way to enjoy yourself despite Mary’s presence—surely at a dinner party full of guests you’ll find someone you want to talk to. It would be awkward and, I think, an overexertion of your rights as a host, to send Amy an invitation “plus one,” then add, “but not the one you’d like to bring.” It would be one thing if Mary had said something rude or offensive the last time you’d had her as a guest in your home. In that case you might say something like, “I would love for you to come but I have to ask you not to bring Mary, because she was so rude to Scorinthians last time she visited/monopolized the conversation/stole my dishwasher.” That said, if you simply can’t stand the thought of Mary as a guest in your home, then you should ask Amy not to bring her. If Amy decides not to attend, or is angry with you for asking, then that’s a risk you’re simply going to have to run.
Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?
—She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway
A: I certainly hope your dislike for Mary is rooted in something other than “she can’t afford to spend as much money on appetizers as I can,” because the only sin she appears to have committed is being less rich than the rest of your friends. While you’re certainly within your rights not to invite Mary to an event you’re hosting, sending dinner-party invitations with further instructions about who someone can invite as a plus one should be reserved for more extreme cases than this one.
I think your best option is to include Amy on the invitation and find a way to enjoy yourself despite Mary’s presence—surely at a dinner party full of guests you’ll find someone you want to talk to. It would be awkward and, I think, an overexertion of your rights as a host, to send Amy an invitation “plus one,” then add, “but not the one you’d like to bring.” It would be one thing if Mary had said something rude or offensive the last time you’d had her as a guest in your home. In that case you might say something like, “I would love for you to come but I have to ask you not to bring Mary, because she was so rude to Scorinthians last time she visited/monopolized the conversation/stole my dishwasher.” That said, if you simply can’t stand the thought of Mary as a guest in your home, then you should ask Amy not to bring her. If Amy decides not to attend, or is angry with you for asking, then that’s a risk you’re simply going to have to run.
lilyseaDear Jane,
I have a friend that I’ve known since high school who was always obsessed with having children. She got married young and was basically begging her husband to get her pregnant as soon as possible. They had some trouble, but she finally had a little girl a couple years ago.
Since then, I basically haven’t been able to have any sort of conversation with her that doesn’t involve her bringing up her kid. In text conversations, she has to send pictures of her daughter, no matter what we’re discussing. If she FaceTimes me, the camera is generally pointed at her kid for most of the conversation. It’s to the point where I rarely answer her phone calls or FaceTime requests, and will wait hours before I respond to texts.
I was recently hospitalized with bilateral pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in my lungs) and even while I’m laying in my hospital bed, dealing with some of the worst pain of my life (not to mention this being an incredibly terrifying moment for me, as someone who has always been healthy), she still sends pictures of her daughter and steers the conversation towards her.
I’m at the end of my rope. Am I being unreasonable because I’m a single woman with no children (and no real desire to have any for a while), or is she being really rude?
Please help.
Answer: She’s kind of being rude, but she’s also being herself. If she’s been obsessed with this goal since high school (yeesh!) you must’ve seen this coming, no? I mean, maybe not this version of this—which is pretty extreme—but it’s not really a surprise that she’s one of these sorts of moms.
People take to motherhood in a million ways and one of those ways is to derive all of your joy and self worth from it. Or to become obsessed with your child. Which is fine, if you don’t care about being tolerable to the adults in your life. She’s going to have to keep making babies for a long time because eventually they will all grow up and have medical emergencies and this woman doesn’t sound like she’s super into showing up during those times. But when they’re cute little babies and toddlers? Man, they’re so cute!
You also mentioned that she’s young, so I’m guessing you’re young—like in your 20s. One of the hardest lessons we get taught whether we like it or not in our 20s is that friends sometimes aren’t always your friends. Especially during major life events like marriage, births, deaths, moves, new jobs, etc. It sucks to be on your side of it because you’ve put in the emotional labor of being there for her and she’s just giving all she has to her kid right now. You must feel really lonely for her. Maybe she’ll come back around, give it time. In the meantime, since you’re not super into the kid stuff, give her a break and lean on your friends who aren’t so insufferable.
I have a friend that I’ve known since high school who was always obsessed with having children. She got married young and was basically begging her husband to get her pregnant as soon as possible. They had some trouble, but she finally had a little girl a couple years ago.
Since then, I basically haven’t been able to have any sort of conversation with her that doesn’t involve her bringing up her kid. In text conversations, she has to send pictures of her daughter, no matter what we’re discussing. If she FaceTimes me, the camera is generally pointed at her kid for most of the conversation. It’s to the point where I rarely answer her phone calls or FaceTime requests, and will wait hours before I respond to texts.
I was recently hospitalized with bilateral pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in my lungs) and even while I’m laying in my hospital bed, dealing with some of the worst pain of my life (not to mention this being an incredibly terrifying moment for me, as someone who has always been healthy), she still sends pictures of her daughter and steers the conversation towards her.
I’m at the end of my rope. Am I being unreasonable because I’m a single woman with no children (and no real desire to have any for a while), or is she being really rude?
Please help.
Answer: She’s kind of being rude, but she’s also being herself. If she’s been obsessed with this goal since high school (yeesh!) you must’ve seen this coming, no? I mean, maybe not this version of this—which is pretty extreme—but it’s not really a surprise that she’s one of these sorts of moms.
People take to motherhood in a million ways and one of those ways is to derive all of your joy and self worth from it. Or to become obsessed with your child. Which is fine, if you don’t care about being tolerable to the adults in your life. She’s going to have to keep making babies for a long time because eventually they will all grow up and have medical emergencies and this woman doesn’t sound like she’s super into showing up during those times. But when they’re cute little babies and toddlers? Man, they’re so cute!
You also mentioned that she’s young, so I’m guessing you’re young—like in your 20s. One of the hardest lessons we get taught whether we like it or not in our 20s is that friends sometimes aren’t always your friends. Especially during major life events like marriage, births, deaths, moves, new jobs, etc. It sucks to be on your side of it because you’ve put in the emotional labor of being there for her and she’s just giving all she has to her kid right now. You must feel really lonely for her. Maybe she’ll come back around, give it time. In the meantime, since you’re not super into the kid stuff, give her a break and lean on your friends who aren’t so insufferable.
